schizogir

I'm trying AGAIN to get clean, and having a very hard time. I just feel....like total ****, and I can't stand it. I feel very little hope for ever feeling "normal" again. Not very long ago, I googled "How to live without heroin" and I came upon this site. I really don't feel like I have anyone in the real world that I can talk to right now, and so I will talk to you, internet people, and hope that it will help somehow, even just a little.

I guess I will tell you a little about what brought me to this point, incase you would like to know. If not, go ahead and skip this paragraph. (yes, I am just going to make it one looooong paragraph, just so you can skip it if you wish, and know where to start reading again.) I don't want to bore you. I am a 23 year old female. I have struggled with my emotions for a long time now, been on and off meds, seen different shrinks and all that jazz since I was 13. I have picked up different methods of "self medicating" to give myself some momentary relief from the pain inside of me along the years. I don't really know why I feel this bad. I had a good childhood, raised in a very religious home. I guess my parents weren't the best at being parents, but they never did anything really that bad. I was never abused or molested or anything like that. (atleast not that I can recall...some doctors have told me that I must have repressed memories, some have even badgered and badgered me to tell "the truth"...sometimes I wonder, but don't really want to find out) I moved out of my parents home at 17 and started trying a few things. Drinking mostly, this was back when I was a "fun and happy" drunk. I smoked pot every once in awhile, did mushrooms a few times, loved exctasy but only did it on a few occassions. I used to think I was "immune to getting addicted" to anything. I even TRIED getting addicted to cigarettes, but couldn't. After a relationship of almost 5 years ended, with someone who I was once very very happy with, but became an alcoholic and a crazy person and dangerously abusive, I began drinking a lot. At first I was "crazy and fun", and then I would always always become a very sad and angry person when I drank. I would drink to the point of blackout. I would break things and hurt myself. I knew I was getting out of control, but I hated the way I felt when I was sober, and I kept hoping that "THIS time when I drink, it will make me happy, not angry!" I finally got a handle on that and quit drinking, but then I discovered the pills. The first perscription drug I abused was on a dare. Someone asked me if I wanted to do some vicodin, and I was like, "What the hell for???" I was talked into snorting some, I was kind of scared about what would happen. It wasn't an amazing high, but I felt pretty good. My apartment had kind of turned into a "party house" at the time, because I hated being alone. And this one guy started always bringing over lortabs and giving them to me for free, and I began to love that high. Next pill I tried was adderall. Oh man I LOVED that adderal! When I first started the pills, I still had the idea in my head that "I will NEVER EVER to any "hard" drugs, I will NEVER EVER use coke, meth, or heroin. ESPECIALLY HEROIN!!!" I knew what drugs did to people. I had watched friends go down that path and seen the awful things it did to them. I had many friends who were recovering addicts. Well....that didn't last. I tried coke for my first time. Snorted it. Loved it. Spent all my money on it. Went back to the painkillers because they were cheaper. Mostly tabs, I lived in a town where it was hard to find much. (and everything cost twice as much as anywhere else because of it) But I would grab anything I could find. If I had a chance at getting something really good, oxys, roxys, methadone, opanas, I would jump on it. I never really became totally dependant on the pills. I didn't have to have them every day. I never went thru withdrawls. The first few times I was asked about heroin by the people who were selling me the pills, saying to me "It's the exact same thing, but cheaper and better" I said "HELLLLL NO!" I was finally talked into it somehow. Tried smoking it a couple of times, and honestly what I thought was, "This is stupid. I don't even feel that high. Just hella tired." I did not get what all the hype was. That is until snorting it was introduced to me. I lived in an area with the black tar, I would make it up pretty much like you would for IV, in water with heat, but then I would let it cool down and suck it up my nose. And then it was like "OOOOHHHH, so THIS is what being high on heroin feels like?!" I went awhile with being able to just do it on the weekends or my day off. I could do it early and be high all day. Now I think about it, and the question rises, "What the **** was I thinking? I KNEW BETTER!" The first time I shot up, I was just curious to know what it felt like. I remember saying to the person showing me how, "I know I won't become addicted or anything. I have too much I care about. I love my job so much and would never do anything that would put me in risk of losing it." He said to me something about heroin becoming the thing that matters most over everything else. I just didn't believe that could happen to me. After that, I continued to snort it, but it just wasn't the same as banging it. It wasn't good enough. And then I was like, "Oh ****....what have I gotten myself into?" But I let myself start shooting up, and doing it more and more. Until I couldn't function without it anymore. I had to have it to get well. I started selling to support my habit, and business was so well that I could do as much as I wanted. A zombie all day long. I tried to quit a handful of times, but it would only last for a couple of weeks, and I was never really "clean", because I was taking dones and suboxone instead. As for a time frame, I started doing the pills the summer of 2010, heroin the summer of 2011, and so I have been on the opiates for a little over two years now.

I last used heroin August 31st, after about a three week battle of trying to stay clean for a few days, relapsing, and doing it all over again. What's different this time is that I have left the state I was living in in order to get clean. (and some other things that I wanted to leave behind) I have literally traveled across the country in order to escape that drug. I tapered off the black, had some dones for a few days, went from that to subutex, and from that to suboxone, and now nothing for the past few days. The physical withdrawlas right now are mostly mild, I try to keep my mind off it, but a lot of the time I really hurt. That constant ache, feeling so cold and then so sweaty and hot, always so annoyingly uncomfortable, and so so emotionally distraught....these things all in a way that only someone who has gone thru heroin withdrawal understands the hell of it. The emotional part is the worst. GOD I ******* HATE BEING SOBER!!! HATEITHATEITHATEIT!!! I am so unbearably sad. I really miss being high, and I am so afraid that I will never be able to feel okay being sober ever again, because I know how great it feels to not be sober.

Ugh....I've tired myself out from writing so much. Maybe I'll write some more later, but that is all for now.

schizogir

Oh, one more thing. I am sure that going to meetings will be suggested to me, so I just wanted to say that I was going to meetings back home, and was not finding them helpful. I am not totally dismissing the idea, but the thing I have the biggest problem with is that I don't believe in "God" or "religion", and so I have a tough time accepting that "higher power" stuff. I've had people tell me, "Your higher power doesn't have to be God." but I don't really get what else it would be? I just don't see how I can do step work without being comfortable with that. If anyone could help me out with that it would be very much appreciated.

Jakkolantern

I remember that from my cocaine days 12 years ago. Nothing was worth doing unless I was high. I didn't have the depression you're clearly experiencing, and opiate withdrawal is a whole different ball game, but when I was facing sobriety it seemed I'd never feel "normal" - that normal wasn't good enough any more.

As it turns out, that sensation went away pretty quickly once the drug use stopped. As my brain chemistry straightened itself out, the lights came back up in the world.

I have no experience with opiates, and have little to contribute. I arrived here today as well, so I don't even know my way around yet.

I was immediately welcomed, though, and in turn I welcome you.

Dee74

Hi schizogir

I don't know much about the drugs you mention...pot and booze was pretty much my limit.

I have lots of experience with trying to escape myself with various self medication of drugs tho.

Getting clean and sober was the first step for me to try and discover what I was trying to self medicate for, and trying to escape from.

I'm glad you've made the decision to be clean and sober too. You'll find a lot of support here.

You might also want to check out our substance abuse forum
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I also recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach to recovery

good to have you here - welcome

D

Fallow

Cant say I know how you feel. Ive never been addicted to opiates.

I will say I hope you are careful and seek medical help.

One of my best friends was addicted to heroin. He got sober after moving away for awhile.
He ended up relapsing after 2 or 3 months clean OD'D and died. 29 years old.

Im sure you have plenty of family and others out there who love you.
Itd be a shame to put them through that.

I still think about my boy every day. So sad. I knew him and his family since we were 13.

Stick around here! Its really helpful.

jennikate

Not an opiate addict either but....I am an athiest who is an aa member. I use the rooms as my higher power. At first, I didn't understand that concept at all. The last time I came in someone pointed out that obviously, for me, alcohol was more powerful than I was. And when in the rooms, there were many people who had overcome alcohol (at least for that day) and so I rely on the the greater wisdom and experience of the people in the rooms. I also decided to try to not overintellecutalize it. It didn't matter if I understood it all in the begining. Since June, I have been working the steps with a sponsor and am making much progress. I work hard to stay willing to learn and change and try to have an open mind.

laurenleigh

Just wondering if anyone has any success stories for me. Have been an opiate addict for about 3years now, started with oxys and opanas, the last year i found heroin and became an IV user. Was arrested on June 3rd, detoxed on my parents couch and have been here since due to the fact that i have entirely exhausted all my other resources, i no longer have a license, a job, or anywhere else to stay other than here so essentially i became sober by default not by choice. Part of me still wants to walk to Philly and get high (ill find a way to get money), and the other part of me keeps thinking, "then what..." im conflicted. Im over the worst of the withdrawls thank god, ive been in 4 treatment centers in the last year and this is the first time ive detoxed cold turkey. I was wondering if anyone has advice as to what to do to occupy my time and my head. My parents will not take me to meetings (seeing as i lied in the past about being at meetings when i was in the city) and im 23 with really no other outlets anymore. I want the obession to use to go away, please i need a success story!
-L

trikyriky

From the forums menu go to " Stories of Recovery " lots of success stories there , lauren

Living

Time heals all wounds (if your sober).

loveeb

I was both addicted to opiates and benzos. The reason I started using was because I couldn't sleep. I never had a problem sleeping before, and all of the sudden one day I got my first panic attack and I couldn't fall asleep to save my life. I stayed up for 3 days one time and didn't feel tired. So I went to my doctor who said I was having panic attacks. He prescribed me xanax and I was on my way. That was where I went on a downhill spiral. Xanax worked for me. I fell asleep and was getting the necessary sleep that I needed and wanted. So of course, I didn't want to stop using it. Then I went back to my doctor for more. He gave me more, about 3 more refills, and then he was done filling my prescription and said that I needed to find something else to cope with my symptoms. And I was willing to try. He gave me trazadone, mirtazapine, and told me to try melatonin. Trazadone would work for about 4 hours for me, mirtazapine turned me into a zombie and I never wanted to leave bed, and melatonin worked for a short amount of time. So of course naturally I wanted to go back to Xanax. I knew he wouldn't prescribe me Xanax so I had to find it somewhere else, and I did. I went doctor shopping, but eventually that stopped working as well. So I started buying Xanax from friends, ect. It got out of control but eventually led me to taking perc 30s, oxycontin, and fetanol. I used for about a year. Getting off of both Benzos and Opiates was the worst thing I have ever experienced (I am about to give birth any day now, so that answer may change but as of now THE WORST!). Opiate and Benzos have similar withdrawals. But, benzos by far are the worst withdrawal...Benzos and alcohol are the only withdrawals that you can die from. Not only do you get your normal; diarrhea, sweats, sore muscles, wanting to sleep but cannot fall asleep, headaches, dizziness, flu-like symptoms. But you get panic symptoms as well. You feel become incredibly paranoid and panicked (because benzos tranquilize your panic symptoms they become even more intense coming off), shaky, a lot of people experience seizure, your heart races, your muscles uncontrollably twitch. Opiate withdrawals only last for 4-5 days, benzos can last for weeks. And having a mindset like I had, where I felt I couldn't sleep with out the drugs, made coming off of these drugs almost impossible. I didn't think I'd ever sleep again.

There is recovery and you will feel normal eventually. It can take up to 2 years for your brain to fully recover and function properly again. Do NOT give up or feel hopeless as you are not alone. A lot of people think that after their initial withdrawals the effects of the drug are over and this is how they are going to feel forever. NOT TRUE. Opiates change a lot of your chemical processing in your brain by giving you an essential overdose of dopamine. They also play with your neurotransmitters and hormones giving you an abundance of various side effects. Depending on how long you were using is going to be the variable that determines how long your full recovery will take. You have to give your body time to recover from the damage it withheld. But being sober, you will teach your brain and body yourself how to get what it needs eventually. It does take a lot of time but it will slowly begin to function properly again after experiencing life sober for awhile. You taught yourself how to live on the drugs, now you have to teach yourself how to live with out them. It is incredibly hard, and it takes a lot of patience, but it can be done. Do not give up on yourself, and ask for help. You would be surprised who has dealt with addiction. It's called recovery because it can be like broken bones or having surgery, it can take a couple years for your body to mend itself. And 2 years is a VERY LONG TIME, it doesn't sound like it, but it is an incredibly long time. So it is very easy to give up when you don't get instant gratification like humans desire. You will not succeed if you have any sort of expectations. You need to allow yourself the time and do not give up when it feels like its been forever and you are still not feeling 100%. That's why support groups are great, because you can deal with this excruciating time in your life, with other people who are dealing with it, and not feel alone. You have people who will make you feel normal and you have people who will help you through the bumps.

Honestly, a support group is definitely in your best interest. You don't need to talk in the support group, but I go out on smoke breaks and hang out with people(now friends) who can relate to the experiences I had. You need to hear positive answers about your recovery. This forum has given you no hope for your recovery at all. None of these answers are going to help an actual addict like you or I. They are half-assed responses. There is a recovery for EVERYONE. No matter how far down you have gotten you can have a turn around and feel normal. But you do need to be around people you can talk to. Another thing would be to remove every drug addict you know from your life. And that means 100% off your phone, facebook, instagram, everything. You will never feel normal if you keep relapsing. You will never give your body enough time to recover. Addicts of any sort have this thing about instant gratification, needing things right then and there, and if its not perfect, its not working, GOODBYE. Patience is a virtue in many aspects in life and getting sober takes A LOT of it.

LexieCat

loveeb, this is a very old thread (the op from 2012 and then another post from someone else in 2013).

Welcome to SR, hope you will post a new thread and introduce yourself!

blublu

hi, i saw your blog here about trying to stay clean - w/out heroin - yea **** hurts -bad - i have rhumetoid arthritis AND iritis ( made of of my eyes ******* blind bro) - & **** hurts in general - i haven't shot up in 3 days, i had some black left & jus started to make a last shot, when i decided to come online ( like i had so many times in the past on different forums for oxycontin pill withdrawls and addiction/home detox). i don't know what to do –its easy enough for me to get scripts for oxy... & yes the last few days i just got some and have used them in lew of hitting... i don't have any veins left... my legs and arms look like i was in a ******* explosion- i don't know if they will ever heal or be normal - my story is too long to tell and I'm tired of thinking about it - the punchline to my story is this -i don't want to die - i want to get out of this - and even though i know i have scars that will surly last the rest of my life... i don't want to die.
i just wanted to spill my guts to the web - i detoxed from oxy pills a few years ago at home and the people who responded online helped a lot -= I'm sure i will hear " start you're own thread" i don't know how! and maybe this rant will help the kid who's story i just read on this thread!

Dee74

Hi BluBlu - welcome!

It's really easy to start your own thread and maybe more people will see your post that way.

how to post a new thread:

On the main page of this and every forum...e.g.:

Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

you'll see a big blue button at the top left of the page



Find the forum you want to post in, click that big blue button...and ..you're away

Iphone instructions from member Ornithology

Hope that helps, blublu

I don't have any experience at all with heroin but others will. I think no matter what you do it's not going to be pleasant so maybe getting it over with & not stringing it out is the way to go?

D

IvanMike

The bad news is that you're going to be dopesick, and after that you won't feel "right" for a while.

The good news is that you never have to feel this way again. Ever.

I did not want to go to NA and join their "zombie mind control god cult". Best thing I ever did. I'm still an atheist, and I have come to believe that the power of my understanding can and does restore me to sanity. "god" is just a convenient word for that power that helps me stay clean and helps me to recover.

My experience is that in NA I found some people who scared me because they were so comfortable in their own skin, but who had been where I was and who had found a way out. They weren't just clean, they didn't feel like killing themselves, they had made peace with their past, and they lived their lives with integrity. They figured out how to handle life and to deal with what I called "that feeling" - the thing that made me use in the first place. I asked them to help me, and they did. I'm no longer in the prison that I created for myself. Life is pretty darned good these days.

So yeah, I'm going to direct you to go to Narcotic Anonymous. Atheists recover too.

Hang in there.

edit - wow this is an old thread!

oh well, my answer is the same...

madgirl

IvanMike, your response helped me. Thanks. I get the concept of "that feeling". "That feeling" makes me feel isolated, sub-par, out of step and defective. It is a horrible thing.

Working through the steps is the action which transformed you on the inside?

IvanMike

The steps sure have helped. And it takes time.

All my life I felt as if I must have missed that day in school where they handed out the instruction manual on how to handle life. Everyone else seemed to know what they were doing and I just didn't. I felt different, and I was convinced that everyone else knew that I was.

I could put on a front of arrogance and false bravado, but that voice that told me that I was defective, worthless, incompetent, and no good just never shut up.

Then I found drugs, and it shut up. For a while. Then everything I had to do to get loaded, and everything I did that hurt other people and myself, all of that made the voice louder. I had to use more and use constantly because I was now producing evidence of what a horrible person I was.

Then of course, I got to that point where I just couldn't use enough, and I felt "that feeling" all the time.

The steps aren't magical, and you can't just read them and think "gee that's profound". They've required work and a lot of guidance and direction from a sponsor with a lot of experience. The more I practice them, the more sense they make, and the more "human" i feel.

I've come to grips with my addiction and I've learned to trust something rather than just my own emotionally driven thinking when it comes to navigating life. The steps have allowed me to figure out who I am, faults and assets, and have allowed me to change for the better.

I remember asking my sponsor - "what if i do all of this inventory and find out that I'm just an A-hole?" - He said "I don't think that will be the case, but if it is, I have good news. We can fix that too."

Slowly the steps have allowed me to change, to clean up my messes, and most importantly, they've provided me with a volume knob. When that voice shows up and tells me what a terrible and worthless person I am, I can tell it to shut the hell up, and I can shut it off. Not all the way off all of the time, but it is night and day from the way it used to be.

My life is full of evidence that the feelings of inadequacy and loathsomeness that I have are wrong. I still get those feelings or thoughts, but they don't last as long.

I still remember the day that the voice showed up and told me that I was worthless, and I replied "that's not true"....and I believed that it wasn't.

madgirl

Thank you.

I am so incredibly tired of being me. I don't think I feel things like others around me seem to, and to be honest, because I sense my own glitches/disconnect, I feel like an alien trying desperately to be the same as the humans.

If I start really opening up about my perceptions, the responses directing me to "be grateful" will start flooding in. I understand things intellectually but comprehension doesn't change feelings.

Currently, the primary drivers for my life appear to be fear, obligation (sense of duty) and guilt/shame. When I drank, at least at first I would feel sparkly, pretty, funny, happy, excited.

I will end up destroying myself if I keep chasing that mirage, and anyway the "real me" would show up later on in the drinks in furious, horrifically sad force.

I do not feel connected to spouse, I feel pity and obligation to parents, I don't really have any friends, etc. This is not a pity party - this is honestly how it is in my head.

LadyBlue0527

I apologize for stepping into the conversation but I had to because of the above part of your post.

You have to find what works for you. I have been through AA before many times. The most I devoted myself was the last time through and I made it to the fourth step. Idiot complacency turned me back to drinking. However, I soon realized that what I had learned stayed with me as far as life. Questioning why certain things bothered me. Being accountable for situations and owning them. Handling sadness and anger. Sure, I was drinking but I never lost what I learned. I just wasn't willing to abstain. I began to feel the changes in my life and that's when I backed away but what I learned was never erased. I just wanted to drink more than I wanted to be sober.

Working through the steps was the beginning of the transformation of me and my life but apparently I wasn't ready to listen. I am fully ready now. Working on the steps stops the grinding and gives me peace much like coming here.

It's worth a shot.

madgirl

Thanks. I am on day 70 today - just clarifying that I am not actively drinking.

IvanMike

congrats. you feel normal (for us anyhow), and for how long you have been clean.

Gratitude made no sense to me at the gut level. Now it does. fear and shame were all I had. Things change.

The toughest part of recovery is persevering even when it feels like nothing is happening, and when it feels like there is no hope. Both feelings are false. (But they sure don't feel that way).

One day you realize that you've changed. Slowly, but you have. Gratitude makes sense all of a sudden. You start to feel like a real person. You have real connections and it hits you that these people actually like and accept you for who you are. Oddly enough, so do you. It just takes time.

Hang in there.