Etta

I feel like a hypocrite for being here. I have not made a commitment to stop drinking, at least not a serious one. Since joining here I have stopped many times for a few days but usually give up after day 3 or so.

Even though I know I have a problem, and it's making me miserable, I don't have the will or whatever it is that it takes to make a lasting change.

I read all these posts by people who have suffered serious consequences due to drinking -- DUIs, losing jobs, losing spouses, health issues, etc., and I can't relate. Nothing like that has ever happened to me.

What I can relate to is the feeling of self loathing and disgust I have with myself for continuing to do this despite knowing it's wrong. I am starting to really dislike who I am becoming.

Anyway, I wish I had the sense to read all the posts by people who have suffered these serious consequences and use them as motivation to stop before that happens to me, but it never works for me. It's not even that I feel different from people who have had to deal with all that. I really don't feel different on the inside at all. I often feel like I'm probably more messed up than some of the people who have had those things happen, I am just better at hiding it or avoiding those types of consequences. Or maybe I've just been lucky.

Can people give me some advice on how they came to finally stop drinking before anything like that happened? If it wasn't getting arrested or losing a job or something like that, what was it that finally got you to stop? Thanks.

Jitterbugg

Unfortunately for me Etta, it did take a DUI, job-loss, eviction, jail visits, hospital visits, losing gf, and having no dignity left before I got help. I would say I did it the hard way...
I actually consider my self lucky since I didn't hurt/kill anyone with my recklessness. I did the damage to myself, but it will take years to rebuild my life.

Reach out to someone and ask for help! You will save yourself a lot of anguish because things only get worse the longer you drink.

wellwisher

I know what you are saying. I saw some terrible things that happened to other drinkers (friends and families) and while I felt terrible for them, it didn't scare me straight.

What I found in my own recovery was that fear did play a big part in what I was doing, though. I was afraid to quit. I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol, yet I couldn't stand my life with alcohol in it.

I'm not asking you for an answer but what do you think is stopping you? Maybe spend a little time with pen and paper and jot your thoughts down - see what comes up.

Glad to see you have brought it up here, though

pipparina

Etta,

I had what you would call a "soft" bottom. Everything on the outside looked ok. But I was in bad relationships. My personality changed when I drank, mostly for the worse. Tried sluiced twice while drinking (even that didn't stop me).

Just one time, it wasn't a worse drunk than before, I somehow was able to admit I was an alcoholic. I knew I could not control how much I drink once I started, and never new who I would become that evening.

What may have saved me was that I went to AA for weeks before I realized it was about not drinking. I hadn't been drinking for those weeks anyway, but I never started AA to stop drinking, just to get help,. That should give you some indication as to how foggy my brain was.

What also helped was in those meetings I heard worse stories, and I knew they were just "yets" waiting to happen. That scared me a lot.

Tippingpoint

None of that bad stuff happened to me. My drinking never even became a big problem with my wife and family.

Just like you though, it was a problem for me. Self loathing, anxiety, guilt, fear...it was with me every day.

I quit on June 13 of last year and I couldn't be happier about it. Freedom from all that crap that I used to carry around with me! I can look anyone in the eye and stand my own ground, proud of who I am.

One of the things I'm proudest of is that I did it before I got a DUI. Before I lost my job. Before my wife left me. Before my kids were old enough to notice. And, I did it while I'm still young enough to really enjoy the second act.

BruceJ

Well...your question was "what is it going to take?"

IMHO...honesty with yourself.

A pen and paper work wonders. Write down any negative consequences drinking has caused. If you find that you have none.....Why would you want to quit?

drunkyjules

I think that has been one of my problems as well in relation to quitting. On the outside I am considered successful. Have a house, job, car etc. Never lost any of that. And I was trying to explain to a friend once that if I had had those major negatives happen than it "may" be easier for me to accept. If you've lost multiple jobs or been to rehab a couple times or are living under a bridge etc. then it just screams "problem".

I guess what I've heard in AA are those are the "yets". They haven't happened "yet" but with progression of the disease very likely could.

I've even told people very close to me I think I'm an alcoholic and they didn't believe me, well I have progressed even since then. I think the thing is....this disease takes a piece of you. It is a total joy killer. It made me disgusted with the person I was, it made me not want to live a full life. I can say today that I am proud to be 2 weeks sober and am enjoying living a sober life and not feeling like I have to drink to enjoy it.

Why don't you just try it for a little bit. Instead of focusing on not being "allowed" to drink, focus on all the things you can do sober. Its really a trip, I feel like I haven't been this "awake" in a long long time.

Etta

Drunkyjules, yes if I told people I know I am an alcoholic they would not believe me either.

I think my problem is that I am not accountable to anyone but me. I live alone and far from family. No one sees what I am doing because I do my heaviest drinking alone.

Even though my biggest fear is "getting caught", I sometimes wish someone would call me on it, but no one ever does.

This has just been my pattern in life. My father was a violent alcoholic and abused my mom. My brother was a mess on the outside, always in trouble in school, etc. I was a mess on the inside, but I was also an honor student and never got in trouble. My mother treated me like her personal therapist even when I was a child, always coming to me with very adult problems and I always appeared very stoic on the outside. She still talks about how strong I am and it makes me so angry to hear that, because she dumped very adult problems on me at a very young age.

I'm just repeating this pattern and it's really hard for me to ask for help because part of me feels like I don't deserve it. I witnessed a lot of violence as a kid and none of it was directed at me. It left me feeling very guilty, witnessing that happen to my mom and brother. My mom always made me feel like I was partly to blame. Like because he didn't hit me it meant I was somehow aligned with him in some way.

I feel like I just adopted the role of the overachieving daughter in order to survive. It served me well as a child because it kept me safe from violence. It's not serving me well anymore because I have some very real problems and I need help but I'm terrified of letting people know that.

wellwisher

Actually, that's a pretty astute observation, Etta, and I don't doubt you for a minute.

Have you ever read about the roles each member of the family plays when growing up in an alcoholic home.

Search "family roles in alcoholic families". I first heard of it when I went to rehab, and I found it pretty astonishing in its accuracy when I compared it to my family.

It was eye opening for me.

Jakkolantern

That's my story, too. I'm a single guy who has been able to continue to self-destruct in secrecy because nobody is looking.

But it's starting to catch up with me...

Etta

Thank you so much, wellwisher.

I did read a lot about that as a kid. I stopped as an adult because the older I got, the more angry I became.

It just made me so angry that an adult (my mother) would put me in this situation of making me listen to her tell me how she was raped by my father when I was 10 years old. That really screwed me up, hearing that, as a kid. And then all the nonsense of how I was so strong, etc. Really?

I just kept it all inside. It had nothing to do with being strong. I was a kid, for crying out loud! I just found a way to survive that, which involved never telling anyone about it.
It's not working anymore. I've become the person I detested the most. An alcoholic.

Fallow

I dont think any of us wanted to be an alcoholic when we grew up Etta.

I surely know that I didnt!

Now that we are here though we either make the necessary changes to live the lives we want, or fall further into our addictions.

Amazingly that is a tough choice...

blueshades

Etta, your story sounds quite familiar to mine. I can say that my decision to quit looked like what tippingpoint described. I have seen family members, co-workers, too many people in my life lose so much to alcohol. I became determined not to do the same.

What will it take, you ask? I think the answer is up to you! I wish you the best.

Guyinkorea

It's good you recognize your progression.

I started out a social drinker, then became a social alcoholic, then lived alone, went to work, came home everyday and drank until I passed out.

No one really knew how bad my disease was at that point.

Eventually, I married my first wife and all my "mess" wass put out in the open.

Not really liking the spot light and drama, I left. I left the country.

After stint of "moderate drinking" my alcoholism blossomed out of control for the last 6 years. So, here I sit, 2 days sober.

Anyway, I was once a private alcoholic, but it didn't/ couldn't stay private with me.

I have little or no contact with my family in the states and my family here is fed up with me. My alcoholism pushes people away. Somewhere deep down, the alcoholic in me wants isolation. For me, that will lead to insanity.

Good luck! We can all do this.

MrsKing

Hi Etta

Everybody is different on this. I've never had any of those serious consequences (DUI, etc), probably because I don't drive. I never lost a job through drinking but I left a few due to the depression I was going through and the hatred I felt towards myself because of the drinking. My 'bottom' came about because I did something that totally opened my eyes and from that moment on I just couldn't pretend any more - I was an alcoholic. I'm lucky, I guess, because after I realised that, I knew there was only one solution and if I wanted to enjoy my life and become the person who I thought I was deep down, I had to quit drinking and quit for good.

I don't think people need serious consequences to stop drinking. I think all it takes is a realisation and an understanding of where they are heading if they don't stop. I know that many people don't stop regardless of whether they know they are an alcoholic or not, but I think convincing ourselves that drinking is NOT an option is the most important thing in quitting drinking, whether we've lost our jobs, our marriage, etc, or whether we've just realised we have a drinking problem.

You don't have to wait for anything and you don't have to drink any longer. I am sorry that you've had such a hard upbringing. I think many people here can relate that. I would say that now is the time to push your past to one side and focus on this very moment. You can be sober, if you want to be. All you have to do is believe in yourself and do everything you can to ensure you don't put alcohol inside you.

Best wishes x

llastchance8

Etta, Most of our SR friends have already given very useful information and support regarding this subject. All of us are in the same boat. This is due to very cunning, baffling and powerful nature of alcohol. From , most of person's experience , it seems that a real Rock Bottom is hit before one really tries seriously to quit . As one of the SR member suggested, you could try to list all negative and harmful incidents , happened due to our drinking. I am trying to do the same. I have not reached rock bottom yet , I know , I will reach eventually, if I do not stop. I am also reading Big Book for AA and trying to do some steps with help of SR Friends. You might want to try this out. I am no authority on this subject and I am messed up myself. I am just sharing my situation with you.

ACT10Npack

Once your ready to quit or change your drinking habits then you will continue doing the same thing over and over again. To me ROCK BOTTOM is death and I have no desire to hit that will alcohol. I hope things will change for the better for you.

Amazon

Etta,

I've never suffered serious consequences - I work in a restaurant, which means being an alcoholic is practically a plus. I just started to feel really lame having to go to the store every day to buy one, then two, then even more bottles... I loved the feeling when the alcohol kicked in and I started to feel better, but it took more and more to do so. My brain was happy for the buzz, but my body felt it more and more the next day. I'm only on Day 3 alcohol-free, and I don't care about the taste of wine but I sure want that warm feeling somehow!

Calculating how many calories I was drinking also helped... Ouch!

least

My 'serious consequence' was waking up every damn day hating myself and wishing i were dead. I hated who I was and was so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I had to give living sober a good try. It took me many tries but I finally got it right and now have been happily sober over two years.

IndaMiricale

I only have one word for you Yet all the things that happended to me are waiting for you if you dont surrender..

You can be free.