Michelle76

Today I am on day 7 & am working hard for day 8. My problems right now are how to handle stress & grief with staying sober.
In my intro post here, I had laid out some of my issues with my longtime boyfriend. I knew he was taking pain pills & suspected more & even went snooping & worst yet, I had turned on the surveillance system to watch him one day. Well the more clear headed I get, the more obvious it all is. I even found what I believe is heroin. I want to cry right now!! I am so stressed out but am hanging in there with the stress part.
I want to know how do you handle stress & grief at the same time. I am grieving my old drinking self, its only fitting that old hag receive a proper fair well.
Also I know unless he gets help, he is going to die. I dont think I can stick around while he does that in front of the kids. So either way, I am going to be grieving the end of my relationship soon & would like to have any & all tools /coping skills to help. I do love him more than words can say, but I am finally starting to love myself again. I am remembering who I used to be. I cant save him from his self. I dont want to go back to drinking & put on the clown suit & keep pretending that its all ok, cause its not. He has been into some pretty heavy stuff in the past, I stuck with my booze (it doesnt make it any better or justify my actions) I am not trying to blame him for me drinking.

I probably sound like the biggest hypocrite on the planet. so please feel free to call it like you see it. I really need some brutal honesty right now.

SoberForMySon

I don't know how to handle that all, while trying to stay sober, that's a ton girl!!! But you have to work on yourself, you said it, you can't fix him. He has to want to change. You know that more than anyone, as do we all here. If he isn't ready to change, the best thing may be to move on from a toxic situation. I realize that makes it no easier. So sorry for all your pain!

Sapling

I think you should make your sobriety...Your only priority...Let that relationship go...Drag yourself to an AA meeting...Surround yourself with people that will support you and love you till you can love yourself...You need to change your life...AA can do that for you.....I know that.

artsoul

It sounds to me like you're doing a pretty good job of being honest already.....

I don't have a lot of experience with grief (nothing major, anyway), but I understand that the only way out of it is through it. I think our typical response to bad feelings is to want to get rid of them and I'm learning it's actually better to let ourselves have feelings and let them run their course. It's not easy, but I think it's the only way we learn that we CAN get through the tough times.

As far as stress, I have to talk myself into letting things go all the time. Staying in the moment helps, too.

Hang in there - you're really doing great, even if it doesn't feel that way right now!

Michelle76

Thank you all so much!! I guess you are right, Me & my sobriety comes first & being honest is the only way I am going to get & stay there. I have never handled grief well before & am scared of falling off the wagon, I am terrorfied of detoxing again & more so of being a drunk.

Sapling

Two words Michelle...Support and Support! There are people that have been where you are that WANT to help you.

Impurrfect

((Michelle)) when I chose recovery over using (my DOC was crack), I also had to leave the man I loved as we shared the addiction and he had no intention of stopping.

I had to focus on MY life and MY recovery. Yes, I felt grief, yes I was stressed out but I kept focusing on what I wanted from my life.

I'm now 5-1/2 years into recovery and the man I loved did die from our addiction a few years ago. Yes, I grieved again but I also knew there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. Had I stayed with him, I probably wouldn't be on this earth.

I was lucky to have "normal" people in my life that dealt with stress, grief and other feelings. THEY didn't reach for something to numb them (like I had) and I've strived to be like them.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, but you CAN get through it. I'd recommend just focusing on you, what you want from life, and working toward that goal. What he does is his problem and we can't fix it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Michelle76

Thank you so much Amy, Its nice to get advice from someone who has been there & done that. & yes Sapling, right now I need all the support I can get. Thats why I am on here a LOT!! lol **{Big Hugs}} to all, I am happy that I will be going to bed sober tonight & waking up to a bright new day with my children & all of you!!!

zanzibar

Hi Michelle, I live with piles of stress guilt and anxiety to the point that at times I cannot function or think straight. It's difficult to stay off the booze under these circumstances for sure. But it is possible.

I cope with mine through therapy, if you feel yours may get the better of you them perhaps it's time to seek out help for yourself as well.

As for the booze part I live on the premis that there's no problem bad enough that feeding your addiction can't make worse. (I didn't make that up I heard it somewhere and thought that's absolutely right) I tried to drink away my stress and anxiety, but it made it so bad that I'm most definately paying for that mistake now.

SR has also helped me a lot whenever I forget how to live and handle life situations, they've never steered me wrong yet.

And no I don't think you are hypocritical. You've woken up to your life, and want to help him. But unfortunatly it is his decision, the most you can do is show how alive you become and hope he follows.

Only you can decide if the relationship is salvageable, but at this point it's my opinion your sobriety must be the priority at this time.

Michelle76

Thank You Zanzibar! I am looking into therapy right now.. I have more issues than you can shake a stick at & I need all the help I can get to iron them out!