A metaphor that hit me
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 440
A metaphor that hit me
Quote: Baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up...
It was a comment to a YouTube video from a Simpson's scene where Homer said: "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to... all of life's problems."
I haven't been drinking in 5 days, which is a lie, close to my record of 6 days since I started drinking on a daily basis, almost 3 years ago.
Sometimes I feel depressed as all hell... it feels like it's on par with a panic attack... emotionally-wise. I have immense cravings, but now those cravings are facing some obstacles.
I started a new job on Monday... a Mon-Fri job. I haven't been drinking since (okay, barely...), for two reasons; 1) I won't go to work intoxicated. I just won't. 2) If I drink my self into oblivion the night before a workday, I'll just feel like a paralyzed wreck in the morning and will not feel up for going to work. I'm not a functioning alcoholic.
The weekends though... I can already feel those are going to be the challenges... My head keeps making all sorts of excuses ("you're off tomorrow, so it's fine", "you deserve a break after a stressful week, have a few", etc.)
If you were puzzled by the "which is a lie" statement above, I'll just admit I've had two beers today. Two beers. But... why? That doesn't really do much, my tolerance has grown over the years, but I seem to have conditioned myself to associate alcohol with "calm". I weren't chugging them, just kinda sipping for half an hour for each beer. It feels like there's something comforting about having an alcoholic drink at hand... it's sort of like a placebo effect.
The cravings are killing me... it's been such a long time since I've had a real buzz... I don't know, I really, really don't want to mess this job up like I've done before.
It was a comment to a YouTube video from a Simpson's scene where Homer said: "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to... all of life's problems."
I haven't been drinking in 5 days, which is a lie, close to my record of 6 days since I started drinking on a daily basis, almost 3 years ago.
Sometimes I feel depressed as all hell... it feels like it's on par with a panic attack... emotionally-wise. I have immense cravings, but now those cravings are facing some obstacles.
I started a new job on Monday... a Mon-Fri job. I haven't been drinking since (okay, barely...), for two reasons; 1) I won't go to work intoxicated. I just won't. 2) If I drink my self into oblivion the night before a workday, I'll just feel like a paralyzed wreck in the morning and will not feel up for going to work. I'm not a functioning alcoholic.
The weekends though... I can already feel those are going to be the challenges... My head keeps making all sorts of excuses ("you're off tomorrow, so it's fine", "you deserve a break after a stressful week, have a few", etc.)
If you were puzzled by the "which is a lie" statement above, I'll just admit I've had two beers today. Two beers. But... why? That doesn't really do much, my tolerance has grown over the years, but I seem to have conditioned myself to associate alcohol with "calm". I weren't chugging them, just kinda sipping for half an hour for each beer. It feels like there's something comforting about having an alcoholic drink at hand... it's sort of like a placebo effect.
The cravings are killing me... it's been such a long time since I've had a real buzz... I don't know, I really, really don't want to mess this job up like I've done before.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
So, stop drinking right now so you don't mess up the new job. You may not be getting a buzz, but your body is still feeling the effects of alcohol. Give yourself a chance to be free of the alcohol and see how you feel.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
What's your support like Polaroid? Are you going to AA or seeing a counsellor?
It's great that you have a new job
For me working was the only time I wasn't drinking. I was glad I managed to hold on to my job though because even though I wasn't drinking on the job I certainly wasn't functioning at my best. I also had times where out of sheer necessity I cut my drinking way back... it didn't last long. Truth was even at those times when I was drinking very little, alcohol still controlled me. It was one of those times where I really didn't want to drink but couldn't seem to do without it. I was amazed how much even a little bit of alcohol warped my thinking patterns. Getting rid of it completely was so freeing. I suppose the good news is that if you have cut down that much then stopping completely will be safer... might be worth having a chat with your doctor though.
I hope it all goes well for you at your new job x
It's great that you have a new job
For me working was the only time I wasn't drinking. I was glad I managed to hold on to my job though because even though I wasn't drinking on the job I certainly wasn't functioning at my best. I also had times where out of sheer necessity I cut my drinking way back... it didn't last long. Truth was even at those times when I was drinking very little, alcohol still controlled me. It was one of those times where I really didn't want to drink but couldn't seem to do without it. I was amazed how much even a little bit of alcohol warped my thinking patterns. Getting rid of it completely was so freeing. I suppose the good news is that if you have cut down that much then stopping completely will be safer... might be worth having a chat with your doctor though.I hope it all goes well for you at your new job x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
It feels like there's something comforting about having an alcoholic drink at hand... it's sort of like a placebo effect.
so I kept on trying to drink 'medicinally'...
You don't need me to tell you what happened.
More catastrophes, more loss, more illness, more shame.
Back to square one.
The only way out of the cycle is to actively break it.
Take that leap of faith and actively embrace recovery, Polaroid.
Find the support you need, and use it.
However scary it seems now, I guarantee you won't regret it
D
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
two beers is like drinking two non-alcoholic beers to me. Just not enough.
Stop now, stay stopped now. It isn't worth the consequences if you choose to drink more.
Embrace your job. You have an amazing start.
Have you looked into Rational Recovery, AVRT, SMART, SOS, or AA? Something can help you stay stopped!
Spend your free time in a productive manner! You'll enjoy life a bit more, maybe.
Love & hugs,
Stop now, stay stopped now. It isn't worth the consequences if you choose to drink more.
Embrace your job. You have an amazing start.
Have you looked into Rational Recovery, AVRT, SMART, SOS, or AA? Something can help you stay stopped!
Spend your free time in a productive manner! You'll enjoy life a bit more, maybe.
Love & hugs,
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
I totally hear your Polaroid. I am not a functional alcoholic either. I would wake up before work with no time to shower or shave and wearing the clothes I passed out in. I told my boss that I had Diabetes, so if when I was 30 mins late everyday, hungover, it was due to my medical condition. I have been fired before because of my tardiness and lack of effort. I was just a miserable employee and I am sure they must have secretly suspected me of having a substance abuse problem. I would get a new job and be exemplary for a while, but always went back to guzzling vodka all night. Rinse and repeat.
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