Fallow

I keep coming to this website everyday. I read and I understand and sympathize with all the posts. Keep tellin myself now is my time to finally get clean for good. It just doesnt happen.

Ive never been so frustrated in my life.

A drink here a drink there. I tell myself Im moderating but who moderates by having a couple everyday then getting blitzed on the weekend? Alcoholics?

Nothing bad has happened I keep telling myself. Wife is happy. I got a higher pay job through hard work. So why do I feel so bad?

I still even go to meetings. Listen to speaker tapes. I love the message! When I get home I crack a beer. Without a second thought.

Its sad to come here and keep posting fake day 1s.
So I dont even bother to say Im gonna stop anymore. Though somewhere inside I know I should and I want too. Then the other side of me concedes and says 'youll probably drink till the day you die". I dont recall ever giving up on a dream but starting to think this is what it feels like.

I wonder is my a ha moment ever gonna arrive..

HFA

Sounds so familiar. Home life was ok. High technical well paying job. Not late for work, health not to bad. Go days without drinking, then shttt faced blitzed. I ran like that for many many many years. But then it go worse, drank more. Still got that job, wife...not so much so. I dont think you have to hit rock bottom to find a place to stop. But once you get to a point when you know the beer is not where you want to be, you will know its time to stop. Life is better sober

Dee74

I used to think I'd drink til the day I died too Fallow.

Trouble was I very nearly did...and I lost a lot from my life before I even got to that nearly dying point.

You say life is going ok...but is it really?

I thought life was going ok too but what I was really doing was lowering standards of what OK was so I could drink some more.

and this thing really is progressive...it will get worse, in terms not only of health, but relationships, careers and a lot of other things too....

I really hated who I was by the end...I knew I could do better....but I was paralysed by fear...who would sober me be?

I think I know you well enough to know that's the kind of stuff that keeps bringing you back here too, Fallow?

there's another way to live your life - don;t let your addiction talk you out of giving it a go - you deserve it, and your loved ones do too.
D

Sapling

I heard a lady say this in a meeting and I really liked it.

When the fear of the known was greater than the fear of the unknown....I was ready to get sober.

Maybe you just need to get to that point.

Fallow

who would sober me be?

its unfortunate to say i dont know.

blueshades

Yes to all of your post, Dee, but this part especially. I didn't lose my job, my wife, etc., thank goodness, but inside I felt so hollow, so pathetic. Add to that the anxiety that came with living a lie...

My new sober life is so much richer than my old life. I have appreciated the fact that I did not have to wait for years to see the benefits.

Stay with us here, and give it an honest try! You've everything to gain.

discTosser

I was a "functioning alcoholic/addict" for a long time. It took a progression of nearly losing everything (literally a whisker) for me to wake up and take my sobriety seriously.

Suppose we all have our different breaking points. I wish mine had been the first 3 times I attempted recovery.

mecanix

I didn't get it untill i admited :-

I'm an alcoholic and i can't change that fact,

my life and drinking was out of control,

Admitted to myself i needed help to deal with it,

untill i'd done those , not just read about them , i was in the slow sink of an alcoholic decline .

Bestwishes, M

Dee74

noone does Fallow - until we try.
That's the leap of faith bit.

Noone would still be here if we felt we'd lost out on the sobriety deal tho

D

ReadyAndAble

You'd be a happier version of you. You'd be posting here about all the rewards that had come your way. You'd be talking about how life's not perfect, but it's infinitely better than it was. You'd say your only regret was you didn't quit sooner.

Think about it — that's what we all say. Have you ever heard anyone say they regretted getting sober? What does that tell you?

It tells me sobriety isn't a gamble. It's the surest bet I've ever seen.

Spinach

Might not happen first time but keep going . Go for it this weekend. See how you feel being able to drive any time and then there's Sat morning clear headed.
If you get anxious during the evening then you also know its time and the battle lines have been drawn.
Feel pride with each day your proving you are back in control of your life.
Regards John.

DayTrader

I did that too, for 6 months. I mistakenly thought that would be enough......

Meetings were like group therapy for me (once I started to like them, I didn't like them at first). I figured this is cool, go to free therapy, hear some good stuff and life will get better......and I'll get sober. I didn't get sober though.

Meetings were not created to get/keep people sober. For someone with serious alcoholism, they'll maybe work for a little while; days...maybe weeks...maybe more. I've even seen some ppl stretch it out longer with massive amounts of willpower but you hang out with them for 10 minutes and you sure don't want what they've got. Me, I never made it more than a week or two tops.

One reason meetings won't work for long for an alcoholic......because meetings were meant to help keep you dry, only dry, and only for a little while. They're like buckets of water on a forest fire. Effective, but not enough so.

There's a scarier truth though and it's reason #2..... for an alcoholic - someone with alcoholism.... DRINKING IS NOT THE PROBLEM. It's a symptom....an obvious one...one that does a lot of damage.....but it's just a symptom - an outward manifestation of something bigger. Meetings might help keep you dry for a little while but they're in NO WAY going to nor intended to solve my or your real problem.

And for an alcoholic like me, with alcoholism like I have alcoholism, not drinking is NOT the solution. Obviously it isn't. Every time I'd quit.......I'd start slowly feeling like crap again until the obsession got so strong I couldn't contain it......and I'd drink again. If drinking were the problem then stopping would be the solution and I'd be good to go once I stop. I was farrrr from good-to-go when I was dry.

I think from the beginning I knew I had a drinking "problem" but I had this gut-level belief that there was reeeeeeally something more, something deeper than just the drinking.

I do so love it when I'm right.....and I was right. There most certainly was something deeper and I've recovered from it......as can anyone who's willing to.

hypochondriac

I could be wrong Fallow, but I'm not sure there is an 'A Ha' moment... I never had one anyway. I had to force myself through the early days... I felt like it was a bit of a 'now or never moment' though (purely on the basis that I was going to have to cut out work to either drink or recover, but that's another story). Maybe you need to 'fake it til you make it'. Once I started to see some positives from not drinking it made me want to hold on to see what else might happen Your sober self isn't going to emerge on the other side like an entirely different person either. I was quite relieved to realise that I was the same person I just didn't drink anymore. But sober I was able to make positive changes to my life if I wanted to x

Weasel1966

Fallow...

Ah ha moments are over rated. Save them for Oprah and other talk show hosts. We in the real world don't need them to know better.

You know better.... If it is needed than consider this an ah ha moment. When people all around the world respond to a message posted on some server and all tell you the same thing.

Ah ha! You can do this. Being sober and staying sober is not something others do. It's something we do. You can do. I do.

I here a lot of sadness in your post. I have been depressed for a long time. Was I depressed so I drank or was I depressed because I drank. Either way... You may want to consider addressing that.

There is nothing fake about posting on SR. Day 1s or day anything. Keep posting.

But bottom line is desire.

Consequence is not a requirement for sobriety.

Desire is.

Don't let consequence be the only reason... There are plenty here to testify that its not worth it.

All my best to you! I want to see you do it. I believe in you.

Sapling

That's the fear of the unknown.

Fallow

Yes thats fear of the unknown.

Sucks to say I havent been sober for more than 3-4 months in 22 years. So there is definitely that fear of the unknown.

Thanks for the encouragement everybody. I decided to give this thing another go. I had some drinks thursday and friday. Had fun with my wife at a nice dinner. Im tired of waiting for something bad to happen in order to have it be a get sober catalyst. I know its ass backward that I think that way.

Today is day 2. Im gonna give myself a month to develop a plan of action here.

In the meantime Im staying home, cleaning, working my new job, playing with my daughter, continuing to treat my wife great, and not making plans with any drinking friends.

Not making plans with myself either
Once I get some sobriety under my feet I will commit to whatever plan of action necessary to do this. Most likely AA, SR, volunteering, and a health plan.

Wish me luck!

Weasel1966

Fallow.... Everyone has to do this there own way.... But I get concerned for you with what you said.

A month in an alcoholics life is like dog years. We need to do things like make plans in the now... This moment. Maybe refine them over time but put that an down to paper today. sounds like your wife is wonderful. Maybe sit with her and lay out a plan together. It can only help not hurt. That may be hard for someone on the fence. If I had to sit down and share with a sober person what I need to do then I could not get away with getting around the plan. So I would let things be lossy goosey so to speak.

And do make plans with yourself. I find it helps. And you already are. You listed a bunch in your post.

You sound great today. Strong and happy.

Enjoy the day!

Ken

youbetcha

I read a quote somewhere, "when eating an elephant take one bite at a time." It's easy to get overwhelmed thinking that this sobriety stuff is for the rest of your life. One Day at a Time, as they say.

Fallow

I appreciate what you are sayin Ken. And I will listen and act on it.

My wife and I had that conversation last night.

I just expect not to make a 'scene' out of my expected changes. Ive done it so many times before only to be at the liquor store the next week.

Right now I know I wont drink today. I know Ill make 30 days.
Long term I need more action, different action than Ive taken before and I will keep looking for and developing that.

youbetcha

It always scares me when I hear an addict say I know I'll never do this again or that again. Take it slow, turn it over, you're right where you're supposed to be, God Bless.