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I actually have a really serious question, I know, me?

Old 09-06-2012, 07:38 PM
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I actually have a really serious question, I know, me?

I'm getting involved with someone. What do I tell her, how do I tell her about my addiction or don't I? I am serious, I'm confused. I would really like some feedback. Love is blind but don't be driving the car when it stikes you. PS, she's cute.
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:42 PM
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Is this a new relationship?
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:44 PM
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I wouldn't say anything on the first date but soon after.
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:44 PM
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I don't think there's one right answer here Fitz.

My gut instinct is to be honest, right up front...but then I'm not really a casual dater.
My relationships all tend to be long term.

I hope you'll get some more experienced shared here

D
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Old 09-06-2012, 08:03 PM
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I think it depends on how your addiction is relevant to the relationship and also what her experiences and views about addiction/alcoholism are. And Dee is right about there not really being one answer.
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Old 09-07-2012, 03:03 AM
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I think if you're getting seriously involved with someone, you should have a discussion about it. Some people have certain preconceptions about alcoholism though. I have a few psychological conditions, I usually don't reveal them until the other person has had enough time to get to know me as a person first, because I don't want to be judged or defined by those conditions.

I'm okay with what I have, I have accepted it, but it's sometimes difficult for others to understand.
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Old 09-07-2012, 03:15 AM
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I tend to tell people right out that i don't drink ( i doubt if i'd admit right out i'm an alcoholic though) . If they have a problem with me being a non-drinker then it is their problem and i'd be afraid for my health getting any furthur involved with them .

Bestwishes, M
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Old 09-07-2012, 03:59 AM
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I'm not one for big announcements. I wouldn't say anything unless I truly get the sense that this could develop into something long term.

That doesn't usually take me long to determine if the relationship has real potential.

This is really a case by case issue. No one of us can know ourselves well enough to, after the third date, lay our "inventory" out for the inspection of another. We all have some significant issues, and they come out as things evolve.

That being said, alcoholism is a pretty dang big issue. I am pretty early in my recovery, so I can't honestly feel I can come into a relationship and pretend that substance abuse and recovery are some casual thing that is in my past.

On the other hand, it's becoming clear to me that I am in no shape to be in a relationship now, for MY own well being, let alone that of another.
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Old 09-07-2012, 04:02 AM
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Personal I would not talking about it for sometime. The only thing you could bring up that you quit drinking and that's okay. Now, if your a person that is still going on benders often then you may not be ready to date anyone just yet.

If I didn't have a drinking problem and I went on a date with someone that does then I would not go on a date with them again. Seem bad but don't want to deal with someone that does not have there sh#t together.
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Old 09-07-2012, 05:10 AM
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I agree that there is no right or wrong answer on this one, except that (IMHO) it does have to be revealed at some point--assuming it's a serious relationship.

The question is timing. In my view the discussion should take place early in the relationship, but not too soon--at least, not until you have the clear sense that the relationship is going somewhere.

The interesting thing, though, is that sometimes it is obvious that relationships are going somewhere right from the first date. That is what happened with me and my husband: our first date was a smashing success, we were obviously compatible and we knew it. So I told him that very day.
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Old 09-07-2012, 11:01 AM
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Hey Fitz, thank you for starting this thread! I'm kind of in the same boat as you.

For myself, I am still too ashamed to reveal it. I'm with Threshold - not one for big announcements. I'm hoping I can get the drinking under control so a) he doesn't find out, and b) I don't have to tell him. Right now, I've told him I'm avoiding alcohol to cut calories to lose weight/get healthy (this is plausible - I've gained 30 lbs recently :P).

It may be cowardice, but he no longer offers me a beer after yardwork, or wine with dinner. It's working for now. I realize this is a discussion we will probably have to have, but, barring some disastrous relapse, it will be when I'm comfortable talking about it.

What I'm trying to say is: I think you have to do what's best for you right now. If it helps your recovery to be up front and you think she will respond by being supportive and encouraging, go for it. If what you're doing right now is working and you want to stick with that, do so. You can reveal as much (or as little) as you feel comfortable with right now.

(hugs)!
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Old 09-07-2012, 11:25 AM
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It's important for me to be honest right off the bat. When I started dating after I got sober this time I said right up front that I don't drink. No need for nitty gritty details. Some people asked about it, some didn't, and one guy even told me he drank too much! Oh, one guy even told me to be careful about taking cold medicine .... he was lecturing me on addiction. I didn't call him back.

Some people even asked straight out if I'm an alcoholic. I said yes.

I figured if it was a deal breaker for them I needed to give them the choice of getting involved or not. It also gave me a chance to see more of their personality and to be honest, it sometimes led to some great, deep conversation.

My personal opinion is that it's not right to omit that part about myself. Some people have been through hell watching friends and family members kill themselves or abuse etc..... and have no interest in getting involved with someone that is an alcoholic, sober or not. It's their right just as it is mine.

Go with your gut.
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Old 09-07-2012, 11:51 AM
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I am one for being honest. I have advised sponsee's to tell them that they don't drink. If it turns into a serious relationship the other person needs to know that recovery will always come first.
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:05 PM
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If the first and second dates go well, i'd discuss it on the third. She'll either embrace the lunacy of active addiction, or head for the hills. For her sake, hopefully the latter.
I wish my ex had run from me 3 years before she did. I emotionally destroyed her.
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:12 PM
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Great answers here! Fitz, that sounds wonderful - I hope she's worthy.

For me, not being honest cost me dearly. I had been sober for 3 years. I hadn't dated much, and when I went out with a new person he asked me if I liked wine. I sort of froze, but said yes - & decided I'd just sip on 'one' glass. (As if.) Believe it or not, that glass of wine led me back to 7 yrs. of drinking. I know you'd never be that weak, Fitz - I'm just saying what happened to me. So - I do think it needs to be mentioned. Just not sure of the best way to say it.

Let us know what happens, Fitz.
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