Dating someone who isn't sober
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 22
Dating someone who isn't sober
I went on a date last night with a nice guy who, from first impressions, has a lot of great qualities. He's handsome, educated, financially secure and we have many similar interests. Since he's pretty well-to-do, he has traveled a lot and would like to do more in the future. We connect on this point because once I am more financially secure, my dream is to travel, too.
Well, anytime he mentions what he's done in the past or what he'd like to do (whether it's lying on the beach or going to a fancy new restaurant), he consistently alluded to having a cocktail/glass of wine/or a good bottle of scotch at his side. I politely ignored this but after it was mentioned a handful of times, it began to make me uncomfortable. Over dinner when I ordered tonic water, I explained to him that I'm in recovery and that sobriety is important to me.
It's so early that I don't want to write him off just yet, all I can think of is if we continue to date, that I really need him to understand how important sobriety is to my life and that if his idea of the good life is always drinking, that I may not fit into that picture. Is that a good way to approach this? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Thoughts appreciated!
Well, anytime he mentions what he's done in the past or what he'd like to do (whether it's lying on the beach or going to a fancy new restaurant), he consistently alluded to having a cocktail/glass of wine/or a good bottle of scotch at his side. I politely ignored this but after it was mentioned a handful of times, it began to make me uncomfortable. Over dinner when I ordered tonic water, I explained to him that I'm in recovery and that sobriety is important to me.
It's so early that I don't want to write him off just yet, all I can think of is if we continue to date, that I really need him to understand how important sobriety is to my life and that if his idea of the good life is always drinking, that I may not fit into that picture. Is that a good way to approach this? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Thoughts appreciated!
One Foot in Front of the Other
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
My wife is a social drinker, and it hasn't gotten in our way that I can tell. My addiction is mine, not hers. That said, she was the one who went through the house and got rid of all the booze, saying that she supports me and doesn't want to lay down any obstacles in my path. It was a kind gesture on her part.
I'd say give it a shot and see where it leads. If he respects you and values you in a larger sense (that's what love is!), then he will respect and value your sobriety as well. Seems to me you should know soon enough whether that's the case.
I'm far from a relationship expert, but I hope this helps!
I'd say give it a shot and see where it leads. If he respects you and values you in a larger sense (that's what love is!), then he will respect and value your sobriety as well. Seems to me you should know soon enough whether that's the case.
I'm far from a relationship expert, but I hope this helps!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 141
My boyfriend drinks. He can stop anytime he wants. He is not an alcoholic. He's one of those people that can have one beer after work and that's it. I can't.
He was with me before I quit drinking, and at the beginning of my sobriety it was very, VERY hard to be around any drinkers. At the beginning, we had a major fight (or I should say I blew up at him) because every time I was around him, he maybe would have 1 or 2 drinks and I could smell it coming through his pores or on his breath which made me nauseated and mad at the same time. (Mad because I couldn't have a drink). Out of respect for me, he quit drinking for almost my entire first year of sobriety because he knew how hard it was for me. That, I believe, is rare.
Now that you are sober, you are going to notice alcohol a lot and you are going to notice how much everyone drinks. You are going to try to pick out the alcoholics or try to find the ones that are "worse off" than you were.
If what you want in a partner is someone who doesn't drink at all, then that is what you will have to wait for. If this guy is not a true alcoholic, you have to realize that it's you with the issue & figure out how to handle when someone else drinks. I'm almost 2 years sober and STILL to this day I cringe when he's at home and has just one beer after work. I know that it's because I can't have it is why it annoys me so much, but I also know that he knows how to control and stop. He's not powerless with alcohol and he doesn't have the problem.
I won't say write him off yet, but you have told him about your sobriety so either he will respect that or not, and that's where you are going to have to make your decision. Also, if he is an alcoholic himself, I can see maybe that presenting a problem. I know I couldn't be with an alcoholic - I'd fall off the wagon in a heartbeat!
He was with me before I quit drinking, and at the beginning of my sobriety it was very, VERY hard to be around any drinkers. At the beginning, we had a major fight (or I should say I blew up at him) because every time I was around him, he maybe would have 1 or 2 drinks and I could smell it coming through his pores or on his breath which made me nauseated and mad at the same time. (Mad because I couldn't have a drink). Out of respect for me, he quit drinking for almost my entire first year of sobriety because he knew how hard it was for me. That, I believe, is rare.
Now that you are sober, you are going to notice alcohol a lot and you are going to notice how much everyone drinks. You are going to try to pick out the alcoholics or try to find the ones that are "worse off" than you were.
If what you want in a partner is someone who doesn't drink at all, then that is what you will have to wait for. If this guy is not a true alcoholic, you have to realize that it's you with the issue & figure out how to handle when someone else drinks. I'm almost 2 years sober and STILL to this day I cringe when he's at home and has just one beer after work. I know that it's because I can't have it is why it annoys me so much, but I also know that he knows how to control and stop. He's not powerless with alcohol and he doesn't have the problem.
I won't say write him off yet, but you have told him about your sobriety so either he will respect that or not, and that's where you are going to have to make your decision. Also, if he is an alcoholic himself, I can see maybe that presenting a problem. I know I couldn't be with an alcoholic - I'd fall off the wagon in a heartbeat!
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Now that I got sober and single.. I dont believe I will ever date someone that drinks. I just dont relate to that life anymore. I am sure I will miss out on great people but thats okay. There are many great sober women out there also..
This one I think is all about to each is own...
This one I think is all about to each is own...
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
This is an individual decision. My wife still has a couple of glasses of wine only about once a week. If I am totally honest with myself, I'd prefer that she not drink at all. However, she enjoys it, she doesn't have a problem and we have 18 happy years together so I am ok with it.
If I were dating then my preference would be someone that doesn't drink. I think that is just one more thing to help minimize the risk of me relapsing. Also, I think there are cases of people who can drink responsibly for years. However, sometimes the problem is progressive and normal drinkers can indeed end up becoming problem drinkers at a later date. Knowing my personal experience and spending a little time in the "Friends and Family" forum makes that a scary proposition to me.
Just seems safer to me for all involved if both partners can be on the same page. To each their own though. I realize that life sometimes has risks and we may miss out on great things and great relationships if we live in fear of potential future problems so I can see both sides of the discussion.
Wishing you the best with your decision.
If I were dating then my preference would be someone that doesn't drink. I think that is just one more thing to help minimize the risk of me relapsing. Also, I think there are cases of people who can drink responsibly for years. However, sometimes the problem is progressive and normal drinkers can indeed end up becoming problem drinkers at a later date. Knowing my personal experience and spending a little time in the "Friends and Family" forum makes that a scary proposition to me.
Just seems safer to me for all involved if both partners can be on the same page. To each their own though. I realize that life sometimes has risks and we may miss out on great things and great relationships if we live in fear of potential future problems so I can see both sides of the discussion.
Wishing you the best with your decision.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
In my opinion, it is better to start a relationship out with someone who shares similar values. Dating someone sober was very important to me, especially in earlier sobriety. I do not want a partner who is going to be drinking all the time, smelling like alcohol and partying. It is just not something I am looking for. Can it work? Perhaps, but I would not want to chance being around someone I am getting serious with who is drinking. It will cause me to be tempted to doing something I know would not be good for me (drinking).
Thanks for letting me share.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Maybe it depends on how early into sobriety you are and how much of a trigger it might be for you. My husband drinks -it doesn't bother me,in the sense it's not deal breaker for me.but if I was single and starting out again, I would probably avoid drinkers.good luck
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