Discostu

I was first prescribed tramadol 3 months ago. I was a fit and healthy male. I ran 4 miles every morning and swam 3 miles a week, I used the gym daily. I was an eager employee and I really loved life. One morning, after a run, I noticed a swelling in my elbow. Three hours later my arm was huge and I went to the doctors surgery. The dr swiftly sent me to hospital where I was put on IV antibiotics for a week. The diagnosis was sceptic olecranon bursitis and cellulitis. I was signed off work for 3 months. My employers were great, coming to see me, checking everything was ok, full pay, flowers for my wife for having to put up with me as I was bound to go stir crazy stuck at home. I'm due to return to work next week. I'd noticed a change in myself, I'd become lazier, I was more dependant on my wonderful wife. I wasn't giving my two kids the attention they deserved. I was living in a dream where work and money didn't matter. Only now does it make sense. Two weeks ago I stopped the tramadol and started exercising. I was fine in the morning but in the afternoons I felt lethargic and sore. I put this down to the change in routine and, perhaps, a flu coming on. A few tramadol (2 doses of 200mg) seemed to do the trick. Only now do I know that the "flu" was the start of the withdrawal.

4 days ago I quit. I want ME back. 4 days ago was the start of my hell.
Days 1-3 have been a blur. I'm in agony. I'm a failure. My family deserve better. I'm trying to kick the ceiling whilst I'm in bed. When no one is around I cry for everything I've ever done wrong. I cry for my family being mixed up with such a loser. I hate myself. I hate my house. My friends are better of without me. If someone walked in to kill me I would offer no resistance. I'm sweating, I'm shaking. I've forced myself to go for a walk, whilst praying no one sees me. I've ripped the phone from the wall. I have bills to pay, I've put it off. I can't face the teller looking at me. *I want to die. It would be the best for everyone - my wife could find someone good, someone who would give the kids the childhood they deserve. My parents could forget about me and give all their attentions to my sibling who needs them more than I ever have. It makes perfect sense. If I had a 'delete all' button I would press it and make everyone happy.
Day 4 (as I type) Damn these sneezes, damn these pains, damn this vomit and burning diarrhoea, damn this ringing and this headache. I never realised what a headache is until now. *Damn it all to damnation and take me with it. I'm sick, I keep being sick. I'm fed up drinking water. I can see no end. Does this get better? I've over 200 pills in the cupboard. Just 1, just 1 to help the pain. That's how weak I am. I'm actually contemplating that after all the support my amazing wife has given me. I want to go on Facebook and post " I'm sorry, I don't deserve friends. You've been too good to me. Goodbye". I want to jump off a bridge. I look at those Paralympics and I look at myself. I'm pathetic. I wish I could tell someone. I won't though. I keep things to myself.

This drug needs banned. I'm not one for addictions. I'm a straight kinda guy. I like a beer, sometimes and an odd whisky. Now look at me. I'm done for. My life has changed forever. It's run away and left me. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. Weak minded fool. I'm begging to God and Jesus to help me.

Please avoid this drug. Please please please never ever take it.

Discostu

I've probably put this in the wrong forum. Idiot. I'm sorry

Purplecatlover

Can you go to your original Dr & tell him how bad the withdrawal is affecting you? How to taper off?

Just know its the medication making you think like that, not you!!!
It will pass & you will get through this. Call your doc. ASAP.

Threshold

Hang in there. I know withdrawl is hell, but it will end, and you will be free. Hang in there. The things your mind is telling you are not true. It's that the drugs are still messing with you.

Does your dr know that you have stopped taking the pills? I do not know, other than the horrible withdrawal, if cold turkey is dangerous. Please speak to your dr.

You are not a bad person or failure to have your body react physically to a chemical. That is what is happening. Tramadol is a powerful drug.

It is good that you posted here, this is a busy part of these forums and more people will see your post and be able to reach out to you, and more people who need to see your post for their own well being will be helped by it.

Please post as well in the Substance abuse forum, as there will be people there with direct experience who can offer support.

We do recover. you are not alone. Please speak to your dr, and HANG in there.

Discostu

I could, but it wasn't his fault. I've abused the pills. I liked the well being. It was an extra tablet once or twice a day, then three or four. I'm ashamed. I liked it, it made things that were bad better. The dr gave me them in good faith. It's not his problem.

freshstart57

Discostu, first have a welcome to the team at SR, glad you found us because there is help for you.

While I was reading your post, I had this growing sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, how things have changed in your life, and how quickly. In three months! There seems to be nothing really seriously wrong with you or your situation in life, except for this soul-crushing, body wracking addiction to Tramadol that has you ready to check out.

You were able to make this coherent post, so you are able also to make some phone calls. Your suicidal ideation is a result of the tramadol withdrawal of course, but no less real than any other cause. Please do this now, stu:
*call the Samaritans support service on 08457 90 90 90.
*go to your nearest accident and emergency (A&E) department and tell the staff how you are feeling
*contact NHS Direct on 0845 4647
Please do not mess with this, it is very serious and needs immediate action from you.

The nice folks here will give you support and immediate service about the drugs issue:
Drugs Information and Support: Frank Helpline 0800 776600 24/7

There is something good about your situation, and it's this. You have access to NHS, it is no further away than your telephone. You have no concerns about health insurance or ability to pay, the only limitation is you.

The only other thing I can offer is my knowledge that you will come out of this. You will survive these withdrawals, this horrible depression you are experiencing and the physical agony will both disappear. That first Stu you described is still in there, I know it.

Get some help now, Stu, it is there waiting for you, just like SR. Please post here again soon, after you have made some calls, and let us know what has happened. I am most concerned for you. I will be watching this thread throughout the day, and until you have some more information. Go!

Purplecatlover

It doesn't matter who's fault it is, you need to get help & stop the suicidal ideas.
Your family needs you. You are a good man who just got addicted to very addictive pain meds.
But it is best to stop now & get better before it escalates into years of destruction.

I'm praying for you. Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.
God give you strength & peace.

Mark75

Yea, tramadol is very evil, it is a trojan horse of addiction.

Like Freshstart said, I am very hopeful you. You see it for what it is. You will come back from this, you just have to fight a battle you never signed up for.

Good luck... You can do this.

Discostu

Freshstart, I know you're right. I just can't talk to anyone just yet. I promise the suicidal thoughts will be nothing more than thoughts. I've had 3 episodes of depression in 16 years, I know I can keep them at the thought stage. It's just being in a place like this makes me say strange things. Sorry for causing any concern. The "coherent" post took hours to write!
It's funny how a few kind words from strangers help. This is the first time I've been online in days

Threshold

Discostu,

this isn't an issue of fault on anyone's part. Tramadol is a VERY powerful drug. your body reacted to it. It is a mind altering substance. It causes your own mind to want more of it. That is what the chemical does, it is NOT your fault that your body and mind responded exactly as the drug has been designed to do.

Dr's are there to help us address health issues and this is a health issue, no more, no less.

Please take advantage of ALL the help available to you. There is not one good reason to not get help for this situation. you will be doing yourself and your loved ones and employer a huge favor by getting this sorted out right now.

I am so glad you are here. We DO understand because we've been there. Even if the substances that we were entangled with were different. Our hell was the same.

keep posting!

freshstart57

Stu, you need to work with your prescribing doctor to put a plan together to manage your withdrawal symptoms. First item of business is the bottle of agony sitting in your cupboard. You need to decide what you are going to do with 200 tramadol tabs. Sooner is better, and now is best. You are dealing right now with your immediate psychological and physical symptoms, but you are also looking at the imminent danger that stuff represents to you. I will give you my personal guarantee that you will start to feel so much better when this stuff is out of your home. How far is the nearest chemist?

Discostu

You're right. It's not far. I can't go out. I'll give them to my wife the minute she gets home. She'll do the right thing. She's the only one who knows apart from you folks. Although she doesn't understand how it can be so bad. I hate to see them go. But you're right

freshstart57

That is the most excellent news, Discostu. When these are gone, you know that this ordeal will have an end to it, and it will be something that you can handle. The prospect of you using for a couple more months and the hell that entails is a burden that you can shed the moment you put that bottle in her hands and watch the door close behind her. Your outlook will change at that moment.

Taking another one before that happens will be a mistake, Stu. Don't do it. It will do nothing but prolong this misery and make you feel like garbage. It will give you nothing but regret.

Please consider involving your primary care physician too. He needs to know what you are doing here. Keep posting please, OK?