Need advice on how to not repeat past behaviors...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Need advice on how to not repeat past behaviors...
So, in my very first post on SR a couple weeks ago, I explained that in March 2011 I quit drinking and that lasted 9 months. Thinking I had it under control, I started drinking again in December 2011 and didn't quit until August 20th. It's so true when people say it's a progressive disease. I drank so much more this time around than BEFORE I got sober the first time.
ANYWAY...I have also previously mentioned that my husband and I bought a new home in April. The entire process took about one month to close on. During that month, my husband went back and forth...couldn't decide if he wanted to go through with it or not. Everytime he had reservations, I would blow up at him, bite his head off, saying I deserved this new house, blah, blah, blah. Of course, every time we had that conversation I had been drinking and was emotional. I remember one time he was standing by the home stereo and mentioned something about having misgivings about buying this house. I recall getting physical and pushing him out of the way to turn down the stereo so we could "talk" (which consisted mostly of me just screaming and crying).
The point of my story is that I am regretful. I think that if I wouldn't have been drunk all the time, I might have listened to my husband and not bought the house. Don't get me wrong, we DO like the new home, but we have over extended ourselves and we are arguing all the time now because we are so stressed. Since buying the home in April, we have taken maybe 5 days off from remodeling it and moving. Every weekend has been dedicated to getting it ready to move into. We are finally moved, but now need to get our old home ready to sell.
My husband is a very strong willed person (as am I) and he recently told me he felt like he HAD to go through with buying the house because I kept pushing and pushing to get my way (I do remember yelling and tears on my part if he even hinted of changing his mind about the house). My come back has always been that he couldn't blame me for this because he signed the papers, too. Now that I'm not drinking I'm started to look a little closer at my past behavior. He says I'm pushy and that I always have to get my way. I'm thinking he may be right.
What do I do about this? I used to think that alcohol made me more relaxed and easy going , but now I'm starting to realize that it only amplified my worst attributes. I am remorseful and sad about the situation. I know my husband is resentful and I'm hoping he won't hold a grudge for long. I even told him we would have to separate if we continued to fight like this. Now I'm thinking THAT was a stupid statement. Because my past behavior has resulted in these crappy consequences, I'm ready to throw in the towel with my husband because I can't deal with the stress? Why can't I just face the music for once in my life???
ANYWAY...I have also previously mentioned that my husband and I bought a new home in April. The entire process took about one month to close on. During that month, my husband went back and forth...couldn't decide if he wanted to go through with it or not. Everytime he had reservations, I would blow up at him, bite his head off, saying I deserved this new house, blah, blah, blah. Of course, every time we had that conversation I had been drinking and was emotional. I remember one time he was standing by the home stereo and mentioned something about having misgivings about buying this house. I recall getting physical and pushing him out of the way to turn down the stereo so we could "talk" (which consisted mostly of me just screaming and crying).
The point of my story is that I am regretful. I think that if I wouldn't have been drunk all the time, I might have listened to my husband and not bought the house. Don't get me wrong, we DO like the new home, but we have over extended ourselves and we are arguing all the time now because we are so stressed. Since buying the home in April, we have taken maybe 5 days off from remodeling it and moving. Every weekend has been dedicated to getting it ready to move into. We are finally moved, but now need to get our old home ready to sell.
My husband is a very strong willed person (as am I) and he recently told me he felt like he HAD to go through with buying the house because I kept pushing and pushing to get my way (I do remember yelling and tears on my part if he even hinted of changing his mind about the house). My come back has always been that he couldn't blame me for this because he signed the papers, too. Now that I'm not drinking I'm started to look a little closer at my past behavior. He says I'm pushy and that I always have to get my way. I'm thinking he may be right.
What do I do about this? I used to think that alcohol made me more relaxed and easy going , but now I'm starting to realize that it only amplified my worst attributes. I am remorseful and sad about the situation. I know my husband is resentful and I'm hoping he won't hold a grudge for long. I even told him we would have to separate if we continued to fight like this. Now I'm thinking THAT was a stupid statement. Because my past behavior has resulted in these crappy consequences, I'm ready to throw in the towel with my husband because I can't deal with the stress? Why can't I just face the music for once in my life???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
If I only had a dime for every time I thought back on an argument, event or comment-made while drunk--and winced as I felt that sick feeling in my gut. Although we can never take those things back, we can be honest about them, apologize and move forward in a more positive light.
It's easy to lay blame on ourselves and others, but a joint decision is a joint decision, regardless of how much more influence one of the parties might seem to have had.
Now that you are not drinking, maybe it's time for you to have a crucial conversation about some of those things that have happened, discuss openly and honestly about how they have made you both feel, then move on together.
That may sound easier said than done, but it is doable. My husband and I--at a very shaky time in our marriage, after 25 years--went through a combo business and personal bankruptcy. It was very difficult on every level imaginable, but we came out on the other side with new found respect for each other and a more authentic relationship.
Financial struggles are draining on a relationship, but it is important to remember that no matter what, the house stands stronger with 2 columns holding it up than with one.
I wish you peace.
It's easy to lay blame on ourselves and others, but a joint decision is a joint decision, regardless of how much more influence one of the parties might seem to have had.
Now that you are not drinking, maybe it's time for you to have a crucial conversation about some of those things that have happened, discuss openly and honestly about how they have made you both feel, then move on together.
That may sound easier said than done, but it is doable. My husband and I--at a very shaky time in our marriage, after 25 years--went through a combo business and personal bankruptcy. It was very difficult on every level imaginable, but we came out on the other side with new found respect for each other and a more authentic relationship.
Financial struggles are draining on a relationship, but it is important to remember that no matter what, the house stands stronger with 2 columns holding it up than with one.
I wish you peace.
Last edited by soulgypsy; 09-05-2012 at 04:01 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Thanks, gypsy. That's great advice. We have had the crucial conversation about this very thing, and it ended with my husband asking what the next step was. He wants to move and I claim that I do, too. I really think that I am just having a problem forgiving myself for the drinking. Does that even make sense?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 48
Forgive...forgive...forgive...yourself
My husband and I are going through this journey together.
we are totally having to re-learn each other and life.
It gets easier.
Stay strong...keep going....and come here when you need support!
Blessings and hugs.
My husband and I are going through this journey together.
we are totally having to re-learn each other and life.
It gets easier.
Stay strong...keep going....and come here when you need support!
Blessings and hugs.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Pippo
I get feeling guilty and remorseful - especially when this house thing is stressful and your husband has some resentment about it.
I don't see any other way to go but forward tho..we can't erase the past or change it.
I think the very fact you're thinking about this stuff is a pretty good indicator that you don't want to repeat past mistakes
I understand it's hard to forgive yourself. I think it's a process tho, not an event. Try to focus on the now, perhaps?
I hope the renovating goes smoothly, the house sale is quick, and that the stresses subside and things can relax on all fronts soon.
In the meantime - remember balance. Try to listen to what you need and try not to be overwhelmed. The house is important but your sobriety is a priority.
D
I get feeling guilty and remorseful - especially when this house thing is stressful and your husband has some resentment about it.
I don't see any other way to go but forward tho..we can't erase the past or change it.
I think the very fact you're thinking about this stuff is a pretty good indicator that you don't want to repeat past mistakes
I understand it's hard to forgive yourself. I think it's a process tho, not an event. Try to focus on the now, perhaps?
I hope the renovating goes smoothly, the house sale is quick, and that the stresses subside and things can relax on all fronts soon.
In the meantime - remember balance. Try to listen to what you need and try not to be overwhelmed. The house is important but your sobriety is a priority.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 1,225
Pippo,
I don't know what advice to give you specifically with your husband, but the past is the past. We take responsibility for our actions, even if while drunk. So you can at least express that you acknowledge you pushed for the house and would like the two of you to work together in making it a happy household.
As SG said, we can all think back on our words and actions and wince from the regret, but the only solution to it is to live a sober life now. As I've heard so many times in AA, all you can do is keep your side of the street clean. It may take time for some healing.
I don't know what advice to give you specifically with your husband, but the past is the past. We take responsibility for our actions, even if while drunk. So you can at least express that you acknowledge you pushed for the house and would like the two of you to work together in making it a happy household.
As SG said, we can all think back on our words and actions and wince from the regret, but the only solution to it is to live a sober life now. As I've heard so many times in AA, all you can do is keep your side of the street clean. It may take time for some healing.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
Pippo,
First of all, I think it's so good that you now have perspective to see the real issues that you have and the problems with the relationship. This is what recovery is about. I know it's hard to take that long look at yourself and realize that you weren't the person you thought you were. That happened to me, too, and it was difficult.
My suggestion is to talk to your husband and explain how you feel and that you regret some of your words and actions. Try to work together with your husband to make the best of the situation with the new house, and as Dee said, move forward. You've learned a valuable lesson and you can strengthen your marriage.
First of all, I think it's so good that you now have perspective to see the real issues that you have and the problems with the relationship. This is what recovery is about. I know it's hard to take that long look at yourself and realize that you weren't the person you thought you were. That happened to me, too, and it was difficult.
My suggestion is to talk to your husband and explain how you feel and that you regret some of your words and actions. Try to work together with your husband to make the best of the situation with the new house, and as Dee said, move forward. You've learned a valuable lesson and you can strengthen your marriage.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
In my response to gypsy, above, i made a typo. It should read: "He wants to move on and I claim that I do, too. I really think that I am just having a problem forgiving myself for the drinking. Does that even make sense?"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
Of course it makes sense and I am glad your husband wants to move on.
We are almost always our own worst critic and so self-forgiveness is often the hardest to offer. Consider forgiveness a gift you give yourself--not something earned or even deserved--but a simple gift. Each time you sink back into remorse (the past) or worry (the future) bring yourself back to the present moment and offer yourself forgiveness.
Remember, there is an infinite amount of forgiveness in the universe so you will never, ever have to worry about how many presents you give yourself!
We are almost always our own worst critic and so self-forgiveness is often the hardest to offer. Consider forgiveness a gift you give yourself--not something earned or even deserved--but a simple gift. Each time you sink back into remorse (the past) or worry (the future) bring yourself back to the present moment and offer yourself forgiveness.
Remember, there is an infinite amount of forgiveness in the universe so you will never, ever have to worry about how many presents you give yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by Butterfly74 
Forgive...forgive...forgive...yourself
My husband and I are going through this journey together.
we are totally having to re-learn each other and life.
It gets easier.
Stay strong...keep going....and come here when you need support!
Blessings and hugs.
My husband and I are going through this journey together.
we are totally having to re-learn each other and life.
It gets easier.
Stay strong...keep going....and come here when you need support!
Blessings and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Pippo
I get feeling guilty and remorseful - especially when this house thing is stressful and your husband has some resentment about it.
I don't see any other way to go but forward tho..we can't erase the past or change it.
I think the very fact you're thinking about this stuff is a pretty good indicator that you don't want to repeat past mistakes
I understand it's hard to forgive yourself. I think it's a process tho, not an event. Try to focus on the now, perhaps?
I hope the renovating goes smoothly, the house sale is quick, and that the stresses subside and things can relax on all fronts soon.
In the meantime - remember balance. Try to listen to what you need and try not to be overwhelmed. The house is important but your sobriety is a priority.
D
I get feeling guilty and remorseful - especially when this house thing is stressful and your husband has some resentment about it.
I don't see any other way to go but forward tho..we can't erase the past or change it.
I think the very fact you're thinking about this stuff is a pretty good indicator that you don't want to repeat past mistakes
I understand it's hard to forgive yourself. I think it's a process tho, not an event. Try to focus on the now, perhaps?
I hope the renovating goes smoothly, the house sale is quick, and that the stresses subside and things can relax on all fronts soon.
In the meantime - remember balance. Try to listen to what you need and try not to be overwhelmed. The house is important but your sobriety is a priority.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by Anna
Pippo,
First of all, I think it's so good that you now have perspective to see the real issues that you have and the problems with the relationship. This is what recovery is about. I know it's hard to take that long look at yourself and realize that you weren't the person you thought you were. That happened to me, too, and it was difficult.
My suggestion is to talk to your husband and explain how you feel and that you regret some of your words and actions. Try to work together with your husband to make the best of the situation with the new house, and as Dee said, move forward. You've learned a valuable lesson and you can strengthen your marriage.
First of all, I think it's so good that you now have perspective to see the real issues that you have and the problems with the relationship. This is what recovery is about. I know it's hard to take that long look at yourself and realize that you weren't the person you thought you were. That happened to me, too, and it was difficult.
My suggestion is to talk to your husband and explain how you feel and that you regret some of your words and actions. Try to work together with your husband to make the best of the situation with the new house, and as Dee said, move forward. You've learned a valuable lesson and you can strengthen your marriage.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
