Letting go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: los angeles
Posts: 14
Letting go.
Hey everyone. I've been around here for a little bit, I have 53 days sober now, but still feel like a newcomer. I'll cut to the point.
My ex has been the biggest obstacle with staying sober. I broke up with him in January and it took me a while to finally realize i needed AA and get sober, but I did. We have a 2 yr old child together so I am forced to see him on a regular basis. When he first heard I was sober, he called and asked to come over and watch one of our fave tv shows together. I'm trying really hard to have a good relationship for our child's sake, so I agreed. he brought beer and i drank with him. I lost the 16 days sober I had but saw that he didn't and doesn't have my best intentions at heart at all. and that he wants to downright bring me down.
fast forward, he's been calling a lot more, wants to spend more time together, txts me a lot. has said he's going to stop drinking for 30 days, just to do it. almost like he's bragging! he doesn't want me back, and has said so..he knows that i've had lingering feelings for him. i'm so confused as to why he's in such contact with me??? who does that with an ex? he had a MINOR fender bender and called me first to tell me how upset he was...no one was hurt, he didn't have my son with him, and his car is fine, so why the flip are you calling ME???
someone outside of my bubble, please help me figure out what this all means. I feel like this is the one aspect that i'm going to have to figure out. If i could just cut all contact with him I would have a long time ago, but i have to figure out how to balance this "relationship" in a healthy way. after working my first step i see how toxic we are for each other so there's no going back...
thank you for listening and any suggestions, i feel so helpless when it comes to this part of my life. i need to learn how to let him go, and how to set boundaries or something...
My ex has been the biggest obstacle with staying sober. I broke up with him in January and it took me a while to finally realize i needed AA and get sober, but I did. We have a 2 yr old child together so I am forced to see him on a regular basis. When he first heard I was sober, he called and asked to come over and watch one of our fave tv shows together. I'm trying really hard to have a good relationship for our child's sake, so I agreed. he brought beer and i drank with him. I lost the 16 days sober I had but saw that he didn't and doesn't have my best intentions at heart at all. and that he wants to downright bring me down.
fast forward, he's been calling a lot more, wants to spend more time together, txts me a lot. has said he's going to stop drinking for 30 days, just to do it. almost like he's bragging! he doesn't want me back, and has said so..he knows that i've had lingering feelings for him. i'm so confused as to why he's in such contact with me??? who does that with an ex? he had a MINOR fender bender and called me first to tell me how upset he was...no one was hurt, he didn't have my son with him, and his car is fine, so why the flip are you calling ME???
someone outside of my bubble, please help me figure out what this all means. I feel like this is the one aspect that i'm going to have to figure out. If i could just cut all contact with him I would have a long time ago, but i have to figure out how to balance this "relationship" in a healthy way. after working my first step i see how toxic we are for each other so there's no going back...
thank you for listening and any suggestions, i feel so helpless when it comes to this part of my life. i need to learn how to let him go, and how to set boundaries or something...
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Congrats on 53 days 
I had 7 months before I slipped and I am still a newcomer..
I dont have children so I dont talk about what I have never lived thru.. but I would say a great thing to talk to your sponosor about ... You have one right
I had 7 months before I slipped and I am still a newcomer..
I dont have children so I dont talk about what I have never lived thru.. but I would say a great thing to talk to your sponosor about ... You have one right
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: los angeles
Posts: 14
thank you yes, I have a sponsor and I've told her about the different things that have been going on but it wasn't until today that i really realized how much this is affecting me. I left her a message. I still feel like i'm having a panic attack though haha UGH!!!
yes, I have a sponsor and I've told her about the different things that have been going on but it wasn't until today that i really realized how much this is affecting me. I left her a message. I still feel like i'm having a panic attack though haha UGH!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 78
sounds like he's slightly jealous that your doing so well to me... but i'm certainly no relationship expert!
maybe even tho he doesn't want to get back with you he doesn't necessarily want to see you moving forward either...
like you say he clearly doesn't have your best intentions at heart otherwise he wouldn't have brought alcohol into your house when you were trying to stay sober...
i think it's great that your trying to make it work for your childs sake.. but maybe have a really frank conversation with him and set some clear boundaries about when he can contact you etc?
sorry if i've talked rubbish.. goodluck xx
maybe even tho he doesn't want to get back with you he doesn't necessarily want to see you moving forward either...
like you say he clearly doesn't have your best intentions at heart otherwise he wouldn't have brought alcohol into your house when you were trying to stay sober...
i think it's great that your trying to make it work for your childs sake.. but maybe have a really frank conversation with him and set some clear boundaries about when he can contact you etc?
sorry if i've talked rubbish.. goodluck xx
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
Congrats on 53 days.
When I came to sobriety, I had to put my sobriety ahead of absolutely everything. I had to remove any threats to it and my serenity. If I couldn't change myself to accept the issues happening around me, I had to remove myself from the issues before they dragged me down.
My sponsor, also told me to stay away from any relationships for 2 years. It was easier for me, since at the time I wasn't involved with anyone. Relationships, especially bad ones tug the emotions, and work havoc with serenity unless you have the emotional tools to deal with them, which I didn't at that time.
If you lose your sobriety, what will be the consequences and is a relationship with this questionable person worth chancing? IMHO sobriety comes first and anything that even vaguely threatens it I need to back away from ... in a hurry.
When I came to sobriety, I had to put my sobriety ahead of absolutely everything. I had to remove any threats to it and my serenity. If I couldn't change myself to accept the issues happening around me, I had to remove myself from the issues before they dragged me down.
My sponsor, also told me to stay away from any relationships for 2 years. It was easier for me, since at the time I wasn't involved with anyone. Relationships, especially bad ones tug the emotions, and work havoc with serenity unless you have the emotional tools to deal with them, which I didn't at that time.
If you lose your sobriety, what will be the consequences and is a relationship with this questionable person worth chancing? IMHO sobriety comes first and anything that even vaguely threatens it I need to back away from ... in a hurry.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 141
I don't have children but I will say this...there are people who like to watch other people be miserable or fall back down to the bad places in their life that they were in.
My current situation is that I have certain people attempting to crawl their way back into my life after letting them go 4 years ago (friends not ex's) that have no business trying to be in my life. The relationships were toxic. We had fun in the beginning but then eventually it lead to a large downward spiral in my life. I sometimes think my "low time" was entertainment for them. I think they want to know when I will fall again. I could be completely wrong but I don't see any reason for the contact at this point.
Anyway, my point to that was some people are just toxic to each other. You can be civil for the child's sake, but he's already expressed that he doesn't want the relationship. I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish if that has already been made known.
If he's someone who can't support your sobriety and wants to play games, it's best that he isn't to remain as a friend other than what you have to deal with for the child.
As an outsider's point of view and from what you said, it sounds like he just wants to keep you hanging by a thread for some reason. Cut the cord -- it will be best for you and your child. I've always said my ex's are an ex for a reason. There are very few I allow back into my life as a friend -- usually it's only because we were good friends before the relationship happened, and I can trust them to be a friend. BUT I can count the number of those on less than 1 hand.
I hope you figure it out and good luck with your sobriety.
My current situation is that I have certain people attempting to crawl their way back into my life after letting them go 4 years ago (friends not ex's) that have no business trying to be in my life. The relationships were toxic. We had fun in the beginning but then eventually it lead to a large downward spiral in my life. I sometimes think my "low time" was entertainment for them. I think they want to know when I will fall again. I could be completely wrong but I don't see any reason for the contact at this point.
Anyway, my point to that was some people are just toxic to each other. You can be civil for the child's sake, but he's already expressed that he doesn't want the relationship. I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish if that has already been made known.
If he's someone who can't support your sobriety and wants to play games, it's best that he isn't to remain as a friend other than what you have to deal with for the child.
As an outsider's point of view and from what you said, it sounds like he just wants to keep you hanging by a thread for some reason. Cut the cord -- it will be best for you and your child. I've always said my ex's are an ex for a reason. There are very few I allow back into my life as a friend -- usually it's only because we were good friends before the relationship happened, and I can trust them to be a friend. BUT I can count the number of those on less than 1 hand.
I hope you figure it out and good luck with your sobriety.
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