"Freelapse"?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Carolinas
Posts: 2
"Freelapse"?
The question is: by completely and accidentally taking one sip of a spiked cider, did I actually "relapse?" Or was it just a "freelapse?"
Last Sunday, I finally decided to plunge into sobriety and took my last drink that evening. Simply put, I was sick and tired of being tired. I reached out to family and friends for support and they pledged to assist me in any way possible.
Though my alcoholism probably was/isn't truly, truly advanced, I'd been on one hell of a three-week bender with a diet of mainly booze, Xanax and amphetamines, with cocaine, opiates and sleeping pills sprinkled on my toxic cupcake. I ate McDonalds only when I had to eat. Kick-ass way to live, huh?
Miraculously, I even managed to keep up with work through this haze. I'm truly not sure how, but just I know I couldn't sustain that sort of pace without some sort of providence ... or at least the maximum allotted amount of luck. I was killing myself. If not sooner, then later.
Hence to say, Monday and Tuesday were miserable -- tremors, sweats, chills, vomiting, etc.
For three days, I had been trying to find a bed at a local detox center and finally found space at a facility last Wednesday. I checked in that afternoon and all went as planned. The withdrawal symptoms slowly subsided and I was weaned (sic?) off my main vices.
I value the experience I had at detox and I feel relieved to be cleaner and ready to embrace sobriety. This afternoon, I checked out. I played some disc golf with a sober friend and we went to his home group meeting. Met some great guys and we all went out to eat afterward. Good times, rah rah. I left thinking, "This sobriety thing is totally doable in the real world."
Later in the evening, I was texting my friend Jen, who is married to my childhood friend Stephen. As it turned out, we were all in the neighborhood in which we grew up, all hanging out with our parents at their respective houses. Jen and I decided to take a walk to talk about our lives, our addictions, depressions and family afflictions.
When we met, she brought me a cup of sober cider and we set a while at the neighborhood park to chat. Stephen was still doing some late-night cooking for his family, so he planned be along shortly.
We talked for a while until our cider ran out and Stephen showed up. They both know I'd been in treatment, though initially they weren't entirely sure it was for both depression and addiction. (I'd mainly been expressing depressive symptoms and as far as the substance abuse, I was outwardly composed, if albeit very tenuously.) By the time Stephen showed up, Jen was fully apprised of my situation, but he was still not fully aware.
The weather tonight was unseasonably chilly for the South, so Jen and I both finished our cider pretty quickly. When Stephen walked up, he held a big mug of cider, noticed us shivering a bit and asked, "Need something to warm you up?"
I said, "Sure, is this the cider you made?" (Stephen is a chef who has worked at Michelin-rated restaurants. I'm always keen to taste his food and drink.) He said, "Yeah."
I took one sip, and the nose of the drink was pleasantly overwhelming with cinnamon, apple and other assorted culinary accoutrements, just like the cider in the mugs we'd just drank. But as it slipped down my throat, I could tell there was booze in the brew.
It was unintentional on both of our parts. As I mentioned, he didn't fully know the extent of my struggle with drink and drugs, and I incorrectly assumed he was bringing the same non-spiked cider to meet us.
I immediately felt overwhelming pangs of guilt. The taste of the hooch left me longing for more and even worse, I only have one week of sobriety under my belt ... did I somehow manage to violate my sobriety on the same day I left detox?
I have been to seven meetings, but haven't had the time to pick a home group or sponsor quite yet. I committed to my sobriety enough to go through inpatient treatment and I fully intend on following through -- 90 meetings in 90 days.
The question is, does this "freelapse" merit me telling folks in group? Does this offset the week of sobriety I've accrued? Is this somewhat common? Am I just being completely neurotic about this?
Sorry for the long post, but any thoughts?
Last Sunday, I finally decided to plunge into sobriety and took my last drink that evening. Simply put, I was sick and tired of being tired. I reached out to family and friends for support and they pledged to assist me in any way possible.
Though my alcoholism probably was/isn't truly, truly advanced, I'd been on one hell of a three-week bender with a diet of mainly booze, Xanax and amphetamines, with cocaine, opiates and sleeping pills sprinkled on my toxic cupcake. I ate McDonalds only when I had to eat. Kick-ass way to live, huh?
Miraculously, I even managed to keep up with work through this haze. I'm truly not sure how, but just I know I couldn't sustain that sort of pace without some sort of providence ... or at least the maximum allotted amount of luck. I was killing myself. If not sooner, then later.
Hence to say, Monday and Tuesday were miserable -- tremors, sweats, chills, vomiting, etc.
For three days, I had been trying to find a bed at a local detox center and finally found space at a facility last Wednesday. I checked in that afternoon and all went as planned. The withdrawal symptoms slowly subsided and I was weaned (sic?) off my main vices.
I value the experience I had at detox and I feel relieved to be cleaner and ready to embrace sobriety. This afternoon, I checked out. I played some disc golf with a sober friend and we went to his home group meeting. Met some great guys and we all went out to eat afterward. Good times, rah rah. I left thinking, "This sobriety thing is totally doable in the real world."
Later in the evening, I was texting my friend Jen, who is married to my childhood friend Stephen. As it turned out, we were all in the neighborhood in which we grew up, all hanging out with our parents at their respective houses. Jen and I decided to take a walk to talk about our lives, our addictions, depressions and family afflictions.
When we met, she brought me a cup of sober cider and we set a while at the neighborhood park to chat. Stephen was still doing some late-night cooking for his family, so he planned be along shortly.
We talked for a while until our cider ran out and Stephen showed up. They both know I'd been in treatment, though initially they weren't entirely sure it was for both depression and addiction. (I'd mainly been expressing depressive symptoms and as far as the substance abuse, I was outwardly composed, if albeit very tenuously.) By the time Stephen showed up, Jen was fully apprised of my situation, but he was still not fully aware.
The weather tonight was unseasonably chilly for the South, so Jen and I both finished our cider pretty quickly. When Stephen walked up, he held a big mug of cider, noticed us shivering a bit and asked, "Need something to warm you up?"
I said, "Sure, is this the cider you made?" (Stephen is a chef who has worked at Michelin-rated restaurants. I'm always keen to taste his food and drink.) He said, "Yeah."
I took one sip, and the nose of the drink was pleasantly overwhelming with cinnamon, apple and other assorted culinary accoutrements, just like the cider in the mugs we'd just drank. But as it slipped down my throat, I could tell there was booze in the brew.
It was unintentional on both of our parts. As I mentioned, he didn't fully know the extent of my struggle with drink and drugs, and I incorrectly assumed he was bringing the same non-spiked cider to meet us.
I immediately felt overwhelming pangs of guilt. The taste of the hooch left me longing for more and even worse, I only have one week of sobriety under my belt ... did I somehow manage to violate my sobriety on the same day I left detox?
I have been to seven meetings, but haven't had the time to pick a home group or sponsor quite yet. I committed to my sobriety enough to go through inpatient treatment and I fully intend on following through -- 90 meetings in 90 days.
The question is, does this "freelapse" merit me telling folks in group? Does this offset the week of sobriety I've accrued? Is this somewhat common? Am I just being completely neurotic about this?
Sorry for the long post, but any thoughts?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Welcome to SR 
Only you can decide that iii320.
It sounds to me like it was a mistake, and you stopped drinking it as soon as you realised.
I've always considered a mistake is a mistake.
Probably a good lesson in being vigilant tho?
D
Only you can decide that iii320.
It sounds to me like it was a mistake, and you stopped drinking it as soon as you realised.
I've always considered a mistake is a mistake.
Probably a good lesson in being vigilant tho?
D
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
What do you think is the right thing to do? Congrats on your week! That is great. Your description of the nose and that your friend made it, and you asked if it was his before you drank, all add up to a tale that sounds very much like what we do the next morning trying to rationalize our behaviors of the night before. You did not mention if you stopped at that first taste, or drank the whole drink.
Fact, you drank an alcoholic drink. You asked if you should tell the group. And you asked if that ingestion of alcohol offsets the week of sobriety.
The idea is to avoid alcohol not put ourselves in positions where we can ask half of what we need to know, in this case if it was alcoholic. It sounds like you knew or pretended not to know and niw realize you blew it. Great. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and press on if you learned from this.
I had a close call after a few months of sobriety where I was with my wife and was going to taste the wine they had, to give my opinion. My wife said stop! What are you doing? I realized that for a moment I had almost on auto pilot drank and blew months of sobriety.
I did not but felt like an idiot.
We are addicts. We have severe self deluding habits. To get sober we have to leave the delusions behind, and thus be free to interact with the real world. Sometimes it is tough.
But we have to own it. In this case you have to own it to move forward. Saying you haven't had alcohol since a week ago is simply a lie. Not answering when asked is lieing by omission.
You had a weeks sobriety. You now have today only. You lost it, no one twisted your arm. You made it happen and now have a revisionist version you are constructing. Stop, relax, learn, and move forward. The only time someone in recovery needs to fabricate stories is if they drink. You drank, get over it, and move forward with this fresh start.
So don't beat yourself up over this, and don't do it again if you want to say how long you have been sober. Start over with day one. Earn your sober time, it can't be invented because the most important judgment isn't mine, it is you being able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror in the wee hours of the morning when we can't fool ourselves.
It is all about self respect after all isn't it?
Fact, you drank an alcoholic drink. You asked if you should tell the group. And you asked if that ingestion of alcohol offsets the week of sobriety.
The idea is to avoid alcohol not put ourselves in positions where we can ask half of what we need to know, in this case if it was alcoholic. It sounds like you knew or pretended not to know and niw realize you blew it. Great. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and press on if you learned from this.
I had a close call after a few months of sobriety where I was with my wife and was going to taste the wine they had, to give my opinion. My wife said stop! What are you doing? I realized that for a moment I had almost on auto pilot drank and blew months of sobriety.
I did not but felt like an idiot.
We are addicts. We have severe self deluding habits. To get sober we have to leave the delusions behind, and thus be free to interact with the real world. Sometimes it is tough.
But we have to own it. In this case you have to own it to move forward. Saying you haven't had alcohol since a week ago is simply a lie. Not answering when asked is lieing by omission.
You had a weeks sobriety. You now have today only. You lost it, no one twisted your arm. You made it happen and now have a revisionist version you are constructing. Stop, relax, learn, and move forward. The only time someone in recovery needs to fabricate stories is if they drink. You drank, get over it, and move forward with this fresh start.
So don't beat yourself up over this, and don't do it again if you want to say how long you have been sober. Start over with day one. Earn your sober time, it can't be invented because the most important judgment isn't mine, it is you being able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror in the wee hours of the morning when we can't fool ourselves.
It is all about self respect after all isn't it?
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Like others have said it's only you who can decide. I have never once heard of the term 'freelapse'. It just sounds like something we can use to pick up and start and a reservation. I have always wondered if we have ever genuinely unknowingly drunk some alcohol whether it would count as a relapse if the intention wasn't there and you were unaware though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 516
If it was genuinely a mistake, I don't think you have to 'start again'. My dad was several years sober, picked up a wrong glass one day at a family event and had a mouthful of wine. He didn't drink the rest, didn't start again and was just annoyed that it had happened.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
iii, this is an awesome question. what it tells me is you are serious about recovery. it reads like a situation to remember how just a sip of alcohol can bring on the craving for more.
IMO, yer motives werent to "test the waters" and you were genuinely unaware. let it go and use it as a reminder of just how careful ya gotta be.
IMO, yer motives werent to "test the waters" and you were genuinely unaware. let it go and use it as a reminder of just how careful ya gotta be.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
It's just a learning opportunity..a lot of us have been handed an accidental alcoholic drink. The huge difference to me is that you didn't continue drinking it. Just a 'woops', and move on, and in the future I bet you'll be super vigilant to ask about the possibility of alcohol, smell your drinks first, etc. The same thing happened to me when I was on a trip in Mexico back in February. I had ordered a virgin pina colada (normally I'm NOT a fan of 'mocktails', but the lady next to me was pregnant so she was ordering them, they looked GOOD!), the second one they brought me was insanely strong with rum, and I only noticed it after I took a hefty gulp from it. Even though it was a true mistake on all accounts, it did mess with my head quite a bit as I hadn't had so much as a sip of alcohol for over 3 years at that point. Just learn, smell your drinks and enjoy your new found sober life!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 181
Sounds like you subconsciously did it on purpose
Who the hell just assumes there's no booze in a friends cider when he implies it will warm you up? In your first week no less
Addictive brain is pretty powerful
Good luck in recovery
Who the hell just assumes there's no booze in a friends cider when he implies it will warm you up? In your first week no less
Addictive brain is pretty powerful
Good luck in recovery
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: philadelphia, pa
Posts: 25
I wouldn't say that you have to start over. It seems like it was an accident. Though you porbably do want to talk about it with your friends in AA, as I'm sure it was a huge trigger for you. They can give you advice on how to prevent it from happening again and how to continue forward in your sobriety while this is stinging the back of your mind. Best of luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Carolinas
Posts: 2
All,
Thanks much for the valuable input. I could've posted more about the various contexts of the situation, but it was already turning into a monster post.
Basically, I've currently decided not to count this slip as a "relapse" or "freelapse" or what have you. I'm one of those jerks who work in advertising, so I work with words and terms. And to credit Natom, if used in the wrong context without knowledge, the term "freelapse" could semantically be interpreted as some sort of "free pass" to relapse. I'd seen it on other boards before and there's probably a better term out there. It's simply catchier than "accidental relapse" and I'm sure I could work on it. ;]
I think it's just part of the learning process. I'd never had to handle this situation before and per Flutter's thoughts, will work to be vigilant and aware in these sorts of situations. Like elihoping's father's experience, it was more of an annoyance than anything.
Basically, I'm not one to be babied. I want people to shoot me straight in recovery, because nobody does when I'm using. That said, the weight of self-flagellation this early in the process is one that I feel could lead to guilt and relapse. One full drink could send me back into that helpless, lost feeling and completely erode any strength I've gained by admitting I'm powerless and then seeking help. I know I have the power within me and am working to sharpen these tools to abstain.
Soberbrah: I very well may have subconsciously had the urge; it's quite a distinct possibility. Very good thought. Stephen later admitted he knew I was struggling and knew I'd just gotten out of detox, and I guess I thought he wouldn't have brought it around. Sure, it's stupid of me to assume anything in this world, but he didn't have that mischievous grin that suggested, "I got the hooch, let's get to work." I was just cold and Jen and I had placed our mugs beside the bench. It was dark and he didn't know we'd had any cider in the first place. He'd apparently made a new batch while cooking.
Itchy: I agree re: rationalization. That mind is still very much at work. As for the nose of the drink and whatnot -- old habits die hard. I worked in fine dining for years and dealt in tasting notes every night. The initial taste on my tongue truly didn't contain the hint of alcohol and I only realized as I swallowed. (I believe that's what separates a good chef from a great one: their complex methods of using gastronomy to create a kinetic effect in consuming food and drink.) And you're right in stating that by I'm lying by saying I haven't had any alcohol. As you said, sober time is earned. And I don't intend to be deceptive in my recovery. I was already tired of living a lie. That's just one reason I chose to get better. But I do feel stronger for having resisted the temptation to take more than that one sip and feel that I earned a bit of self-respect by not drinking any more or heading home and hitting the liquor cabinet. As I alluded to above, it's simply a despairing feeling to know so early in recovery that your intentions could be pure but that you could still wreck everything with an unintentional slip.
My mother talked with Stephen's mother this morning and she said that Stephen and Jen went home last night and said, "After talking with iii320, he just seems like the old iii320." As jarring as it is to realize that you were different, it's reassuring to know that people desire the sober, healthier and happier you.
Today I went to a 12 p.m. meeting and things were good. I didn't say anything. If it comes out, it comes out. I'll just consider that moving forward. And I'll be at group again at 8 p.m. tonight. At the end of the day, the choice to stay clean is one that's made by ourselves and on our own terms. Whether or not I take a 30-day chip within three weeks or four -- or not at all -- I feel proud to know that I AM working toward a commitment.
As Steve Earle says, "I feel alright tonight." Thanks again and keep it up, y'all.
Thanks much for the valuable input. I could've posted more about the various contexts of the situation, but it was already turning into a monster post.
Basically, I've currently decided not to count this slip as a "relapse" or "freelapse" or what have you. I'm one of those jerks who work in advertising, so I work with words and terms. And to credit Natom, if used in the wrong context without knowledge, the term "freelapse" could semantically be interpreted as some sort of "free pass" to relapse. I'd seen it on other boards before and there's probably a better term out there. It's simply catchier than "accidental relapse" and I'm sure I could work on it. ;]
I think it's just part of the learning process. I'd never had to handle this situation before and per Flutter's thoughts, will work to be vigilant and aware in these sorts of situations. Like elihoping's father's experience, it was more of an annoyance than anything.
Basically, I'm not one to be babied. I want people to shoot me straight in recovery, because nobody does when I'm using. That said, the weight of self-flagellation this early in the process is one that I feel could lead to guilt and relapse. One full drink could send me back into that helpless, lost feeling and completely erode any strength I've gained by admitting I'm powerless and then seeking help. I know I have the power within me and am working to sharpen these tools to abstain.
Soberbrah: I very well may have subconsciously had the urge; it's quite a distinct possibility. Very good thought. Stephen later admitted he knew I was struggling and knew I'd just gotten out of detox, and I guess I thought he wouldn't have brought it around. Sure, it's stupid of me to assume anything in this world, but he didn't have that mischievous grin that suggested, "I got the hooch, let's get to work." I was just cold and Jen and I had placed our mugs beside the bench. It was dark and he didn't know we'd had any cider in the first place. He'd apparently made a new batch while cooking.
Itchy: I agree re: rationalization. That mind is still very much at work. As for the nose of the drink and whatnot -- old habits die hard. I worked in fine dining for years and dealt in tasting notes every night. The initial taste on my tongue truly didn't contain the hint of alcohol and I only realized as I swallowed. (I believe that's what separates a good chef from a great one: their complex methods of using gastronomy to create a kinetic effect in consuming food and drink.) And you're right in stating that by I'm lying by saying I haven't had any alcohol. As you said, sober time is earned. And I don't intend to be deceptive in my recovery. I was already tired of living a lie. That's just one reason I chose to get better. But I do feel stronger for having resisted the temptation to take more than that one sip and feel that I earned a bit of self-respect by not drinking any more or heading home and hitting the liquor cabinet. As I alluded to above, it's simply a despairing feeling to know so early in recovery that your intentions could be pure but that you could still wreck everything with an unintentional slip.
My mother talked with Stephen's mother this morning and she said that Stephen and Jen went home last night and said, "After talking with iii320, he just seems like the old iii320." As jarring as it is to realize that you were different, it's reassuring to know that people desire the sober, healthier and happier you.
Today I went to a 12 p.m. meeting and things were good. I didn't say anything. If it comes out, it comes out. I'll just consider that moving forward. And I'll be at group again at 8 p.m. tonight. At the end of the day, the choice to stay clean is one that's made by ourselves and on our own terms. Whether or not I take a 30-day chip within three weeks or four -- or not at all -- I feel proud to know that I AM working toward a commitment.
As Steve Earle says, "I feel alright tonight." Thanks again and keep it up, y'all.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
320,
You clarified that you did not drink the whole drink after an accident. From your first post I wasn't sure if you drank the whole thing or stopped after the first sip. In that case, it is not a conscious relapse but you drank. However we are quibbling terms. Whatever you decide to call it, or decide to ignore, is entirely your choice. If it leads you to continued sobriety, great!
We have a lot of every type here and I was unsure if your "Oenophile" description were a pose or just your way of being accurate. Glad you clarified. But my opinion and about 3 bucks will get you a cuppa right? The day I stopped I had to be very careful what I put in my mouth. My wife still drinks and I picked her glass up several times in the last two years but caught it by the smell. Scotch is hard to miss!
You didn't ruin anything, enjoy your meetings. Don't make a big deal out of a small slip. Two years from now, sober, it won't mean a thing.
Once again welcome to SR!
You clarified that you did not drink the whole drink after an accident. From your first post I wasn't sure if you drank the whole thing or stopped after the first sip. In that case, it is not a conscious relapse but you drank. However we are quibbling terms. Whatever you decide to call it, or decide to ignore, is entirely your choice. If it leads you to continued sobriety, great!
We have a lot of every type here and I was unsure if your "Oenophile" description were a pose or just your way of being accurate. Glad you clarified. But my opinion and about 3 bucks will get you a cuppa right? The day I stopped I had to be very careful what I put in my mouth. My wife still drinks and I picked her glass up several times in the last two years but caught it by the smell. Scotch is hard to miss!
You didn't ruin anything, enjoy your meetings. Don't make a big deal out of a small slip. Two years from now, sober, it won't mean a thing.
Once again welcome to SR!
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