Redroadking

Hi, I am entering in to a relationship with a recovering alcoholic/addict. We knew each other 35 years ago and about 3 years ago we reconnected and now it has moved to something much stronger. First let me say I know that I love this woman VERY much and I DO NOT want to lose her again. That is why I am here. I asked her what I could do to gain a better understanding of addiction, she has referred me to Al-Anon so I will go there and search out answers.

But I wanted to ask someone what I need to do to make sure I help enrich her life, not become a problem. First thing I told her is that I am a very patient man and it has taken me 35 years to get to this point so I am not in any hurry to mess it up... I guess what I am asking for is some guidance from those of you that are living with recovering individuals and also input from those of you that are in recovery.

Please understand I am not totally out of touch with these types of situations, but she is very important to me and I want to get this right!!!

least

I'm curently single so can't share experience but want to welcome you to SR.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Go to Al Anon and get a sponsor and work those steps. Focus on you. Love her, but focus on you.

You have a great chance at being with a woman you love.

I wish you both the best!

suki44883

How long has she been in recovery? Is she working a strong program? She is right about directing you to al-anon. As sugarbear said, focus on your own program and let her focus on hers.

I hope everything works out for the two of you. Good luck!

Anna

You can also check out the Friends & Families forums on this message board.

ACT10Npack

Its really up in the air on what you can do about this. How stable is your girlfriend? How often does she relapses? Do you love her because you knew her 35 years ago and now this is your chance to date her. For me if I knew my girlfriend is an alcoholic and relapses often in a really bad way I would move on. I just don't have time in my life with those people. Ut that's me.

Just remember that if you enjoy the bar life and drinking then you will have to minimize it a lot. Good luck on what you do.

Redroadking

Thank you very much for your advice Suki.... She will celebrate her 13th year of sobriety on September 24th... I will contact Al-Anon and get more information on how I can be the best partner for her!!!

Redroadking

Thank you for your response Act10Pack.... Fortunately, I do not enjoy the bar scene and I could live the rest of my life with or without alcohol.. I love this woman because she is a wonderful woman, not because of some past unresolved issues. She has been in my heart for a very long time. As far as I know she has not relapsed, but I have not asked her if that is the case. What I am trying to accomplish is learning how I can be a supporting partner, not trying to "Fix" anything. Just trying to get an education, this is a new experience for me... Thank you for your valued input...

silly

Good for you, Red!
There are a lot of books out there that might help you understand what it's like from the perspective of an alcoholic/addict.

Going to Al-Anon doesn't hurt, either. You can go to a few meetings just to check it out without having to make any sort of commitment.

Db1105

I met my wife when I was 3 years into recovery. She is a social drinker. I told her right from the start that my recovery was the most important thing in my life. Without thati will just be bad news. She didn't like it at first but came around to see that it was really one of my strengths. She's never gone to Al-Anon, only to a few open meetings and events. We just celebrated 28 years of marriage a few weeks ago.

Redroadking

DB, thank you very much for your insight. The more time I spend with her the more we talk about what is important for both of us. We have had the conversation about me and the fact that I do sometimes drink socially and that it is not that important to me. I have told her that I can live without it. I am beginning to understand that she is the in control of her recovery and that I am not responsible for anything she does. I also know that I am truly in love with her and I am willing to take this journey with her.

I am trying to learn how to live one day at a time and not press our relationship. She is too important to me to mess it up!

onlythetruth

Nothing wrong with checking out an Al-anon meeting, of course, but first you might want to check out the Al-anon website....here are some questions geared toward deciding if Al-anon might be helpful to you:

Is Al-Anon for you?

Vall

Dear Redroadking,

I loved reading your post. Full of commitment and love for your very special lady.

Can I hear wedding bells in the distance :>?

I wish you both the very best and well done for joining SR as you will get plenty of tips and good practice ideas here.

Redroadking

Sugarbear, thank you very much!! I truly love this woman and I want it all now, but I am really trying to learn to be very patient with her... for her... I am going to check out an Al-Anon meeting and get a plan to make sure I don't foul this up. One of the things I really want to make clear to her regards her son. She has a young son and is very protective of him and naturally is keeping me at a distance from him. I perfectly understand this and respect it. She does not want him exposed to a man that may not be in his life forever. But what I want to tell her is that I want to be a dad again and I believe I was a good one!!! One day at a time is what she keeps telling me.... I am trying to learn to do that... Thank you for your advice, it is very important to me!!

Seminolewinds

I wish you all the best! And I wish I had some insight for you.

Redroadking

Hi Vall, thank you for the very touching response! I can not tell you how much I love this woman!!!! When we are together it is the most intense feelings I have ever felt. I was married for 20 years and then in a 10 year committed relationship after that, however I never felt completely fulfilled like I do when I am with her. They say you know from the very first kiss, and I know that I know!!! She's the one!!! My prayer is that there will be wedding bells in our future.... I just need to be patient and aware of her feelings. What makes her happy and what scares her. I pray every day that she will choose me to be "That Man"!! The one she can trust explicitly!!!