Michelle76

I am new, so it says to start here, right? Well I am going to be 36 this month & All I have ever known in life is drugs & alcohol. I was born addicted & raised by either my dope head parents or my Mamaw (enabler). My mom died when I was 16 & my dad was in prison, so thats when I started drinking & doing drugs(pot, benzos & on occasion coke, lsd) Honestly, looking back now, I dont think I have ever been "sober" except when I was pregnant. I would just switch substances. Currently, I am once again trying to taper off the alcohol so I dont have to get anywhere near benzos (fav drug of choice for me) My life & my head is so messed up at this point.. People who know me think I have it all together, beautiful home, wonderful family, cool job.. I am the "Go to" Gal & can do anything. On the outside I look like a cast iron, cool as a cucumber, happy go lucky lady. Many ppl depend on me. Everyone knows I drink, but no one thinks I have a problem. I guess I have gotten so used to playing this roll, no one knows the real me... Heck, I dont even know who I am, all I know is I am hurting & I am tired.
My bf of 12 years, the father of my children had a similar upbringing. & both were committed to each other & our kids & making sure our kids never would have to experience what we did as kids. He too has substance issues. Well here is my big old hypocritical dilemma.. I stumbled upon this site looking for answers for what kind of dope he is on this time (he will lie & hide it from me until I actually bust him) I know he takes pain pills. The Percs are Rx. But he will spend money we dont have to buy more of what ever. I have found random viles around the house & in barn, he said they are bath salts, but he isnt doing them now. His behavior has changed & I found a gummy dark substance on his ID & on papers in his wallet & his drawers. I am scared its heroin. I also found an 80 mg oxy just laying on his dresser, where the kids could have gotten it.
I am so confused & alone. I dont know what to do or where to turn for answers. I am an alcoholic/addict who is trying to get clean & sober for the first time in my life, while trying to appear some what normal, while dealing with being codependent & insanely in love with a lying dope head. My kids are my reason for even breathing, they have seen me drink, but never seen me drunk. I have tried to shelter them, but they are 15, 8 & 7 & they arent stupid. I am quitting because I want a better life for them. I have got to go tuck the little ones in now, thank you for letting me vent & get this off my chest.

WantToHeal

Welcome, Michelle! You have stumbled upon a really great community full of hope and support. You might want to check out the Class of September 2012 thread and consider working with a group of really great people who are facing the same challenges you are.

I hope you'll stick around and keep reading and posting. It helps! Together we can do this!

least

Welcome to the family! You might want to post this in this forum for people who are in similar situations.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Have you seen a doctor about your detoxing?

Please keep those drugs away from the children!!!!!!!

Glad you are staying stopped! Try to focus on your recovery first and keep those children safe!

Love & hugs,

Anna

I think many of us, me included, get caught up in doing what we think we should, keeping up appearances, nurturing others and neglecting ourselves. You need to take care of yourself and your recovery or you will have nothing left to give your children who need you. Your children need you to be there for them and in order to do that, you must take care of yourself.

You might start by talking to your dr about detoxing.

I hope that your boyfriend gets the help he needs.

2granddaughters

Hi Michelle:

I found recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I wish you the best on your road to recovery.

Bob R

Michelle76

Due to my past struggles with benzos, I have chosen to go to a clinic that will not prescribe controlled substances. I an thinking that I am going to have to see a shrink to help me get through this & help with the detoxing. I am feeling better now that I am taking vitamins & not drinking to get drunk, its just sad that I am having to drink to stay well. 1 month ago I could drink a 12 pack a day (I had at least 2 beers in my lunch box) 2 more before the kids got off the bus. The other 8 would be drank over the next 7 hours.. Now I am down to 3 a day. I can say, it sure is nice to wake up & not be drunk from the night before. I am looking forward to being able to be unchained from this for good!! Thank you all so much for the kind welcome & encouraging words!!!

Mizzuno

Welcome! You've come to the right place. Thank you for sharing your story. ThereS a ton of info, good people, helpful advice and support here. I'm glad you posted.

artsoul

Welcome Michelle -

Thanks for sharing with us (wow - you've definitely dealt with a lot in your life). That makes it even more fantastic that you've decided you deserve better and that you're going to break the pattern of your past. Your children are going to benefit SO much. I was a much better mom after getting sober..... it was like being connected again - also calmer and a lot more positive.

I hope your boyfriend comes to the same decision you have. For now, though, do what you need to do for you. Things really will get better.....