Am I doing the right thing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spanaway,wa
Posts: 111
Am I doing the right thing?
So after my husband has expressed to me that he wants a divorce and doesnt want to try. I decided to print out and fill out divorce papers.
I know my mind is all over the place. Especially when my main battle is just staying sober. My emotions are a mess. Im sad, angry, resentful. When I talked to him...he even tried to make it clear that it had nothing to do with my alcoholism but he just wasnt happy and doesnt see us ever getting there. So why bother. BUT... were not in a position for a divorce. Financially. When he doesnt want to be with me anymore he treats me bad. gives the the silent treatment or just responses of yes, no, uh huh. He wants out but wants me to wait until hes ready?
Am I letting my emotions come over me too quick? Were the papers too much too soon? Im on a complete emotional roller coaster (as I know you all understand) just dealing with my sobriety so adding this to the mix....Im unsure if im just acting too quick off of emotion.
I dont want my marriage to end. I dont want my family to be torn apart. We have a 3 and 4 year old. I feel like they deserve for us to give our best effort (which we never have)
I never knew not drinking would play such a huge role on my emotions and actions
I know my mind is all over the place. Especially when my main battle is just staying sober. My emotions are a mess. Im sad, angry, resentful. When I talked to him...he even tried to make it clear that it had nothing to do with my alcoholism but he just wasnt happy and doesnt see us ever getting there. So why bother. BUT... were not in a position for a divorce. Financially. When he doesnt want to be with me anymore he treats me bad. gives the the silent treatment or just responses of yes, no, uh huh. He wants out but wants me to wait until hes ready?
Am I letting my emotions come over me too quick? Were the papers too much too soon? Im on a complete emotional roller coaster (as I know you all understand) just dealing with my sobriety so adding this to the mix....Im unsure if im just acting too quick off of emotion.
I dont want my marriage to end. I dont want my family to be torn apart. We have a 3 and 4 year old. I feel like they deserve for us to give our best effort (which we never have)
I never knew not drinking would play such a huge role on my emotions and actions
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
If you don't want a divorce, why are you filling out the paperwork for one? Let him get the forms and fill them out. Make him file. You will probably want to see a attorney and see where you stand. Initial consultations are often free.
Saying you want a divorce is easy. It takes a surprizing amount of effort to really get one.
And whatever you do... Don't allow this to be an excuse to drink.
Saying you want a divorce is easy. It takes a surprizing amount of effort to really get one.
And whatever you do... Don't allow this to be an excuse to drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spanaway,wa
Posts: 111
Im NOT going to drink. Im aware it doesnt help and will just make matters worse.
I filled out the papers cause I was upset. WHY should I set here and let him disrespect me and make me feel worthless and just wait until hes ready? So I have a problem, and Im giving my all to fix it. But I dont feel I deserve to sit in misery because of my mistakes.
I filled out the papers cause I was upset. WHY should I set here and let him disrespect me and make me feel worthless and just wait until hes ready? So I have a problem, and Im giving my all to fix it. But I dont feel I deserve to sit in misery because of my mistakes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spanaway,wa
Posts: 111
Hes not willing to go. He said he "doesnt want to make it work".
Its not my alcoholism that has completley caused this. Though I take full responsability for my wrong doings.
Im having a million emotions. which I would usually mask with alcohol. I hate that I cant even be sure that my choices are right because Its been so long since Ive allowed myself to feel.
Its not my alcoholism that has completley caused this. Though I take full responsability for my wrong doings.
Im having a million emotions. which I would usually mask with alcohol. I hate that I cant even be sure that my choices are right because Its been so long since Ive allowed myself to feel.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Let him move out and let him fill out the papers. Focus on your sobriety. Are you going to AA meetings? The support there is incredible.
If hubby doesn't want to work on the marriage, let him work on the divorce. Seems to me you have a win-win situation with this guy who wants YOU to do everything. Did he ever do laundry? clean the house? cook dinner? participate in the marriage? I don't want to be harsh, but there are many spouses who take advantage of their wife/husband and let them do all of the work.
Focus on you, let him do what he needs if he's that unhappy.
You stay strong and stay stopped! Sobriety--you are so worth it and you are worth letting go of things that aren't supportive of your choice(s).
Love & hugs,
If hubby doesn't want to work on the marriage, let him work on the divorce. Seems to me you have a win-win situation with this guy who wants YOU to do everything. Did he ever do laundry? clean the house? cook dinner? participate in the marriage? I don't want to be harsh, but there are many spouses who take advantage of their wife/husband and let them do all of the work.
Focus on you, let him do what he needs if he's that unhappy.
You stay strong and stay stopped! Sobriety--you are so worth it and you are worth letting go of things that aren't supportive of your choice(s).
Love & hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 217
Hitch,
I don’t think its fair if he wants out but wants you to wait until he is ready. If he will not attend counselling with you, you at least need to try and arrange some counselling for yourself - ask your doctor if he can refer you.
My mother put up with all kinds of crap for “the sake of the children”, when she finally spoke to a woman’s refuge she was on her way to hospital for a supposed routine 2 night stop to clear fluid on the lungs (she was battling breast cancer) - she never came out of that hospital alive. It was a long time before I realised she never stayed with him for our sake, she stayed because she didn’t have the confidence to leave, she was terrified of going it alone. I am sorry to lay my rubbish at your door but I say this because you are not doing your kids any favours by bringing them up in an environment where mom is constantly crying and dad is slamming doors on the way to the bar. They deserve better than that, you deserve better than that.
Please try and speak to a counsellor and work out what you want and what your options are. You don’t have to sit around crying waiting for him to play his hand.
Take care, stay safe and stay sober,
x
I don’t think its fair if he wants out but wants you to wait until he is ready. If he will not attend counselling with you, you at least need to try and arrange some counselling for yourself - ask your doctor if he can refer you.
My mother put up with all kinds of crap for “the sake of the children”, when she finally spoke to a woman’s refuge she was on her way to hospital for a supposed routine 2 night stop to clear fluid on the lungs (she was battling breast cancer) - she never came out of that hospital alive. It was a long time before I realised she never stayed with him for our sake, she stayed because she didn’t have the confidence to leave, she was terrified of going it alone. I am sorry to lay my rubbish at your door but I say this because you are not doing your kids any favours by bringing them up in an environment where mom is constantly crying and dad is slamming doors on the way to the bar. They deserve better than that, you deserve better than that.
Please try and speak to a counsellor and work out what you want and what your options are. You don’t have to sit around crying waiting for him to play his hand.
Take care, stay safe and stay sober,
x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
Hiya 
... here's my $0.02 worth....
1. Stay sober.
2. Let him file for divorce if thats what he wants, why should you waste time, effort and printer ink.
3. Try to be strong for your kids. If anything happens, you will always have them.
4. Stay sober.
5. Im amazed that he is outraged by your drinking but has been in the bar for at least the last 2 nights, wow!
6. Write a list about all the rubbish you have done to him and also all the rubbish he has done to you. Do a comparison (and have ammunition
) It will also give you something to keep your brain occupied.
7. Take a nice hot bath and take care of YOU! I wish you all the best x
8. Stay sober
... here's my $0.02 worth....1. Stay sober.
2. Let him file for divorce if thats what he wants, why should you waste time, effort and printer ink.
3. Try to be strong for your kids. If anything happens, you will always have them.
4. Stay sober.
5. Im amazed that he is outraged by your drinking but has been in the bar for at least the last 2 nights, wow!
6. Write a list about all the rubbish you have done to him and also all the rubbish he has done to you. Do a comparison (and have ammunition
) It will also give you something to keep your brain occupied.7. Take a nice hot bath and take care of YOU! I wish you all the best
x8. Stay sober
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
I agree with Sugarbear1
A while ago, maybe even the first thread as I read your story it didn't seem like it was alcohol that makes him want to leave, and now we find out it wasn't. The guy for some reason or another is tired of being in your marriage. He seems selfish and not worth wanting to keep; especially if he already has another women. As others have pointed out, however, you focus on you!
If I remember correctly you said you didn't have a job, it is the perfect time to look for one. Consider being healthy as a means to being sober: join a gym/health club facility, or simply walk around your neighborhood. Your mind will think clearly when your out walking Pick up some hobby: painting, reading, exercise, etc. Get your mind off things; it's his divorce after all. Life doesn't always workout the way we want it to so expect the worse and prepare for these things.
All the best to you and your children.
If I remember correctly you said you didn't have a job, it is the perfect time to look for one. Consider being healthy as a means to being sober: join a gym/health club facility, or simply walk around your neighborhood. Your mind will think clearly when your out walking
Pick up some hobby: painting, reading, exercise, etc. Get your mind off things; it's his divorce after all. Life doesn't always workout the way we want it to so expect the worse and prepare for these things. All the best to you and your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spanaway,wa
Posts: 111
We go to Church together. Sit there together and He still doesnt understand that message. I believe in everything the bible says. When I decided to stop drinking. I told the Lord I give my entire being to him. Yet, here I am. Being forced to make a choice that I know is not right by him.
Ive gotten job offers. I was supposed to be at a job on friday at 1. and he took my keys. its the same thing...all the time. Im HONESTLEY trying to help myself, my marriage and my kids life. and hes doing everything to ruin it. yet blame it on me.
I cant get it together to even go to church today. PLUS my eyes are so puffy tht I wouldnt dare go in public. HE couldve atleast taken them. yet he slept in and blames me for not waking him. Well... going to the bar didnt help.
Ive gotten job offers. I was supposed to be at a job on friday at 1. and he took my keys. its the same thing...all the time. Im HONESTLEY trying to help myself, my marriage and my kids life. and hes doing everything to ruin it. yet blame it on me.
I cant get it together to even go to church today. PLUS my eyes are so puffy tht I wouldnt dare go in public. HE couldve atleast taken them. yet he slept in and blames me for not waking him. Well... going to the bar didnt help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by hrich1122 
We go to Church together. Sit there together and He still doesnt understand that message. I believe in everything the bible says. When I decided to stop drinking. I told the Lord I give my entire being to him. Yet, here I am. Being forced to make a choice that I know is not right by him.
Ive gotten job offers. I was supposed to be at a job on friday at 1. and he took my keys. its the same thing...all the time. Im HONESTLEY trying to help myself, my marriage and my kids life. and hes doing everything to ruin it. yet blame it on me.
I cant get it together to even go to church today. PLUS my eyes are so puffy tht I wouldnt dare go in public. HE couldve atleast taken them. yet he slept in and blames me for not waking him. Well... going to the bar didnt help.
Ive gotten job offers. I was supposed to be at a job on friday at 1. and he took my keys. its the same thing...all the time. Im HONESTLEY trying to help myself, my marriage and my kids life. and hes doing everything to ruin it. yet blame it on me.
I cant get it together to even go to church today. PLUS my eyes are so puffy tht I wouldnt dare go in public. HE couldve atleast taken them. yet he slept in and blames me for not waking him. Well... going to the bar didnt help.
If the answer is yes. Talk to the pastor at the church or call the police officer and tell them he is taking away the keys to your car. In all honesty I don't believe you are doing everything in your power to get to where you need to be. Maybe you are afraid of him for some reason, but he should not be taking you keys because you can hide them. Even if he took your keys you could take the bus. I find it ironic that he likes going to church and wanting a divorce; but that is a topic for another forum.
Hide the keys under the bed, in a shoe, in your kids shoe. You could be doing more, and I am not sure you are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
I'm really confused on what is happening here on so many levels.
Obviously you are an alcoholic. You admit that. You say you keep trying and why can't your husband see that your are SO committed, but you you fall off every 7-10 days. Doesn't sound sincere to me. And hey....I'm an alkie too so I understand.
You don't want a divorce, but if you get mad you print out divorce papers. It really seems like you two just go back and forth and argue and try and one up each other. Sad sad situation. He doesn't really seem to like you much and whether this has to do with the alcoholism or something else you won't really know until you STOP drinking for good. If he behaves this way after 120+ days of not drinking and you start going to AA or use another program, well I gotta say you gave it your best shot.
I wish you the best, but I see a lot of I'm not to blame in this because I am TRYING. That's not enough.
And is he hiding your keys because he doesn't want you to buy alcohol? Drive drunk? Drive with your kids. He must have reasons. Just my opinion on this.
Obviously you are an alcoholic. You admit that. You say you keep trying and why can't your husband see that your are SO committed, but you you fall off every 7-10 days. Doesn't sound sincere to me. And hey....I'm an alkie too so I understand.
You don't want a divorce, but if you get mad you print out divorce papers. It really seems like you two just go back and forth and argue and try and one up each other. Sad sad situation. He doesn't really seem to like you much and whether this has to do with the alcoholism or something else you won't really know until you STOP drinking for good. If he behaves this way after 120+ days of not drinking and you start going to AA or use another program, well I gotta say you gave it your best shot.
I wish you the best, but I see a lot of I'm not to blame in this because I am TRYING. That's not enough.
And is he hiding your keys because he doesn't want you to buy alcohol? Drive drunk? Drive with your kids. He must have reasons. Just my opinion on this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spanaway,wa
Posts: 111
I'm not trying my hardest. I convince myself I am. If I was trying my hardest and wanted my family to stay together I wouldn't fall off so often.
I totally understand where he's coming from. Why would he want to commit for time or energy when it seems I'm not committed to stopping? I'm sure he feels he's left with no other option. My only option is to stay sober. Throw my entire being into this. Prove to not only him but myself that things can and will get better.
I totally understand where he's coming from. Why would he want to commit for time or energy when it seems I'm not committed to stopping? I'm sure he feels he's left with no other option. My only option is to stay sober. Throw my entire being into this. Prove to not only him but myself that things can and will get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by hrich1122
My only option is to stay sober. Throw my entire being into this.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Put your kids first.
My marriage ended suddenly about 3 years ago. My kids were 5 and 8 at the time.
I told my counsellor that I wasn't going to drink and he said "Well, I should bloody well hope not...your kids need at least one sane parent."
My marriage ended suddenly about 3 years ago. My kids were 5 and 8 at the time.
I told my counsellor that I wasn't going to drink and he said "Well, I should bloody well hope not...your kids need at least one sane parent."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spanaway,wa
Posts: 111
I will make sure that my kids are always first.
I called my pastor and set up to meet with him tomorrow. It was supposed to be for the two of us but it looks like Ill be going alone.
I called my pastor and set up to meet with him tomorrow. It was supposed to be for the two of us but it looks like Ill be going alone.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
How much and how often are you drinking right now?
Are your keys taken away when you are drinking?
I'm saying this out of love, what are you not telling us? There is often more in what isn't said than in what is said. Why not start a thread about you. Only you. What's going on with you? We can really help you, we've been there, too.
Hugs & love,
Are your keys taken away when you are drinking?
I'm saying this out of love, what are you not telling us? There is often more in what isn't said than in what is said. Why not start a thread about you. Only you. What's going on with you? We can really help you, we've been there, too.
Hugs & love,
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
I agree, focus on getting and staying sober.
Focus on taking care of your children.
The marriage/divorce can wait until later.
If you have spare time, think about the fact that you may need to take care of your children financially in the future and work on that.
Focus on taking care of your children.
The marriage/divorce can wait until later.
If you have spare time, think about the fact that you may need to take care of your children financially in the future and work on that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
