Does sobriety = divorce?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1
Does sobriety = divorce?
My husband of almost 14 years has recently gotten sober. He spent 7 weeks in rehab and is now 53 days sober. During our marriage he has done some pretty awful things when drinking like wrecking our car and having multiple affairs, but I still hoped that someday he would be better. I never gave up on the hope of that happy ending. When he went to rehab, I thought maybe finally I would get the husband I had waited so long for. Even though I didn't know how I would ever get past all the hurt he had caused, I felt sure as long as he got healthy, we could get past it. The problem is, when he came back he told me that he felt like we were toxic to each other and that for his own sobriety, he wanted to just be "friends" and co-parents and to not work on our marriage. I feel like alcohol stole my past and now sobriety is stealing my future. I don't want to be angry and resentful because I really am glad he got help and is so committed to his sobriety. But how do I get over that after everything we have been through and all the crap that I have taken from him over the years, that his commitment to sobriety doesn't include a commitment to me? Any words of wisdom from anyone who has been through something similar would be much appreciated.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome...It sounds like you have done all you can do....And he doesn't seem to be interested in doing much to work on the relationship....I would hope you would do what's best for you. That's a rough one.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
I'm sorry for your situation.
Alcoholism is rarely as simple as stopping drinking. Many of us have to change ourselves from the inside out. I hope that you and your husband can find some peace in your lives.
Alcoholism is rarely as simple as stopping drinking. Many of us have to change ourselves from the inside out. I hope that you and your husband can find some peace in your lives.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
he seems to be making some big life decisions for someone so early in sobriety. i think he's moving very fast right now and may not even be sure of what he wants. all you can do is what is right for you. take care of yourself and your children and let him sort himself out. maybe a trial separation would be a good compromise.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome beautiffleigh -
wow......That would be pretty hard to hear, especially if he hasn't talked like this in the past. Do you think he might be open to counseling? If not, I think I'd get some for myself. I'd want to know what happened, too, - it just sounds like it's more than just him getting sober(?)
You might want to check out the family/friends section - there are a lot of people going through similar things and you'll find a lot of support there, too:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
wow......That would be pretty hard to hear, especially if he hasn't talked like this in the past. Do you think he might be open to counseling? If not, I think I'd get some for myself. I'd want to know what happened, too, - it just sounds like it's more than just him getting sober(?)
You might want to check out the family/friends section - there are a lot of people going through similar things and you'll find a lot of support there, too:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
beautiffleigh...As a male married alcoholic, I can attest that he is feeling some pretty heavy guilt right now that he doesn't want to face, and isn't yet ready to sort out. He wants to deny to himself that he was as bad as he was in your marriage. It's easier to do that by breaking ties, than facing reality.
My suggestion is to keep giving him time and space, but not without letting him know honestly how hurt you are, and how patient you were in waiting for the real him to emerge. (BTW, he is probably not yet the real him). For your own good, and that of your marriage, I think you have every right to lay some ground rules, and definitely always have the right to say your piece; i.e., that you want to allow time to make it work.
My marriage was toxic when I was drinking. At that time, I thought I was less than half at fault. When I quit, I accepted 50/50. Now, a year sober, I can see that its not an equation like that, it's more 100/100. I can only control my contribution and participation in the relationship. But, I wasn't ready to relinquish blame and accept my part for quite some time. If he's working AA, the steps may help him come this realization.
Prayers for both of you. I feel your pain.
My suggestion is to keep giving him time and space, but not without letting him know honestly how hurt you are, and how patient you were in waiting for the real him to emerge. (BTW, he is probably not yet the real him). For your own good, and that of your marriage, I think you have every right to lay some ground rules, and definitely always have the right to say your piece; i.e., that you want to allow time to make it work.
My marriage was toxic when I was drinking. At that time, I thought I was less than half at fault. When I quit, I accepted 50/50. Now, a year sober, I can see that its not an equation like that, it's more 100/100. I can only control my contribution and participation in the relationship. But, I wasn't ready to relinquish blame and accept my part for quite some time. If he's working AA, the steps may help him come this realization.
Prayers for both of you. I feel your pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Utah
Posts: 21
Question...
Hi Beautiffleigh, I am on the potential forefront of a similar situation, the difference being that I am the man and also the alcoholic.
I am trying to quit now; in fact, today is day 1. I have been married for 10 years, together for 12 years. I have never been unfaithful to my wife, nor has she to me. I have never laid a finger on my wife, nor she on me. That is not to say that I have not hurt my wife. The pain I inflicted over the years was mental and emotional. There were times that I would get black out drunk and would say such hurtful things to her, things that literally have brought me to tears the following day when I sobered up. Things I often wouldn't remember.
I am afraid that I have done irreversible damage to our marriage because some things can't be undone, forgiven, or forgotten. When I am sober we get along great, so long as my wife walks on egg shells and does not say the wrong thing to set me off when I get to drunk...that is no way for her to have to live.
Anyway, enough about me, this is about you. I just wanted to give you some background so you know where I am coming from. My question is, why does your husband feel you two are toxic for one another? Has he given you more details supporting his decision?
I sincerely hope that things work out for the best, whatever that may entail...sometimes the best thing for us is not the thing we want, but rather what we need.
I am trying to quit now; in fact, today is day 1. I have been married for 10 years, together for 12 years. I have never been unfaithful to my wife, nor has she to me. I have never laid a finger on my wife, nor she on me. That is not to say that I have not hurt my wife. The pain I inflicted over the years was mental and emotional. There were times that I would get black out drunk and would say such hurtful things to her, things that literally have brought me to tears the following day when I sobered up. Things I often wouldn't remember.
I am afraid that I have done irreversible damage to our marriage because some things can't be undone, forgiven, or forgotten. When I am sober we get along great, so long as my wife walks on egg shells and does not say the wrong thing to set me off when I get to drunk...that is no way for her to have to live.
Anyway, enough about me, this is about you. I just wanted to give you some background so you know where I am coming from. My question is, why does your husband feel you two are toxic for one another? Has he given you more details supporting his decision?
I sincerely hope that things work out for the best, whatever that may entail...sometimes the best thing for us is not the thing we want, but rather what we need.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
53 days?
Early sobriety is a freaking hot mess of a time. God, I never, ever want to go back there. It took months and months, maybe even a year or two, to get mine and my wife's relationship back to some kind of predictability and understanding... Now mind you, we had no issues like infidelity or abuse or any of that... we love each other deeply and are true soul mates... But for me, recovery was an epic adventure and lots of soul searching and work... lot's of work.
Frankly, we went through a "friends" stage... it wasn't some kind of verbally agreed upon arrangement or anything, it was just that, well... I needed some space, I guess... she resented it pretty well.
Look, every couple is different, every recovering alcoholic is different... but please... it's only been 53 days!!! Give him the space he needs, and you, take some time to get used to your recovering husband, and your new relationship... maybe do some work on yourself, step back... It's a wild ride and you cannot always know how and where it's gonna go.
But I will tell you this, Sobriety does NOT always equal divorce. It didn't for me.
Easy does it...
Early sobriety is a freaking hot mess of a time. God, I never, ever want to go back there. It took months and months, maybe even a year or two, to get mine and my wife's relationship back to some kind of predictability and understanding... Now mind you, we had no issues like infidelity or abuse or any of that... we love each other deeply and are true soul mates... But for me, recovery was an epic adventure and lots of soul searching and work... lot's of work.
Frankly, we went through a "friends" stage... it wasn't some kind of verbally agreed upon arrangement or anything, it was just that, well... I needed some space, I guess... she resented it pretty well.
Look, every couple is different, every recovering alcoholic is different... but please... it's only been 53 days!!! Give him the space he needs, and you, take some time to get used to your recovering husband, and your new relationship... maybe do some work on yourself, step back... It's a wild ride and you cannot always know how and where it's gonna go.
But I will tell you this, Sobriety does NOT always equal divorce. It didn't for me.
Easy does it...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
As I read your post, a couple of things jumped out at me......:
1) During our marriage he has done some pretty awful things when drinking like wrecking our car and having multiple affairs...
2) how do I get over that after everything we have been through and all the crap that I have taken from him over the years, that his commitment to sobriety doesn't include a commitment to me?
I believe the answer to your question in #2 can be found in your statement in #1. It doesn't appear that he ever really had much of a commitment to you. Although alcohol can make actions easier, it does NOT cause bad behavior (ie: it does NOT cause affairs).
(o:
NoelleR
1) During our marriage he has done some pretty awful things when drinking like wrecking our car and having multiple affairs...
2) how do I get over that after everything we have been through and all the crap that I have taken from him over the years, that his commitment to sobriety doesn't include a commitment to me?
I believe the answer to your question in #2 can be found in your statement in #1. It doesn't appear that he ever really had much of a commitment to you. Although alcohol can make actions easier, it does NOT cause bad behavior (ie: it does NOT cause affairs).
(o:
NoelleR
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