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Girlfriend of 4 years is an alcoholic

Old 08-30-2012, 08:50 PM
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Girlfriend of 4 years is an alcoholic

Hello, I'm new here. Just need someone to vent to. I've been seeing my girlfriend off and on for about 4 years. We usually always break up due to alcohol related incidents. Recently it has been her going out drinking and does not bother to call me. All I've wanted was a quick call but she will not. She has lied in the past and has done.drugs, then comes home after 3 day benders and apologizes, says she misses me and will never do that to me again. This seems to be happening weekly now. I don't know what to do because i love her. But I have no trust in her words anymore, and I'm just confused and upset. I said i would be there for her to support in her getting sober. Any comments or suggestions would be helpful..
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Old 08-30-2012, 09:26 PM
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Hi William and welcome to the forum -

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Considering this has been a pattern, it's possible your girlfriend is prone to alcoholism/addiction and if so, she will put her drinking first (at least until it too painful for her to do so).

Have you ever looked at AlAnon material or been to a meeting? (AlAnon, as opposed to AA is for people who care about the alcoholics in their life - it teaches them coping skills, how to detach, etc.)

There also a family/friends forum here - you may want to take a look there as well:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I wish you all the best.....
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Old 08-30-2012, 09:34 PM
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I appreciate the reply, ill take a look. Thank you
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:23 PM
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Seem like she has some issues to deal with. Unless she is ready to change her ways then she will keep doing the same thing over and over again. Your not married to her so it's really up to you if you want to go through this an other 4 years.
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Old 08-30-2012, 11:06 PM
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I agree with her having issues, am I holding on to false hope or can people really change? I've put so much love into this relationship and just keep getting dissed it seems. The thing is that she claims she loves me and cares about me so much but admits she has a drinking problem and needs help. Feelin pretty sad about the whole thing although, I've been here before with her. So I'm not truly shocked that she has done this again. She says she wants to get sober and wants to go to aa, and asked me if I would go with her..I of course said I would, and be her support definately..I feel like a pushover tho cause I've always taken her back after these dramatic scenarios that develop from her drinking. I'm scared she may only stay sober for a short time just to relapse once I've forgive and forget .....AGain.
I know its my choice if I want to go another 4years dealing with this type of stuff, I just feel torn because of my heart. My head says run, and my heart keeps fighting.
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Old 08-30-2012, 11:32 PM
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I agree with her having issues, am I holding on to false hope or can people really change? I've put so much love into this relationship and just keep getting dissed it seems. The thing is that she claims she loves me and cares about me so much but admits she has a drinking problem and needs help. Feelin pretty sad about the whole thing although, I've been here before with her. So I'm not truly shocked that she has done this again. She says she wants to get sober and wants to go to aa, and asked me if I would go with her..I of course said I would, and be her support definately..I feel like a pushover tho cause I've always taken her back after these dramatic scenarios that develop from her drinking. I'm scared she may only stay sober for a short time just to relapse once I've forgive and forget .....AGain.
I know its my choice if I want to go another 4years dealing with this type of stuff, I just feel torn because of my heart. My head says run, and my heart keeps fighting.
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Old 08-31-2012, 04:31 AM
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I must say you are a patient man. I have gf who has been patient with me for many years, BUT I never got to the point where it became a weekly incident. This last incident she said it was her last time, and that she was going to leave me. She still may, but it was also my last straw with alcohol. I cause harm under the influence that I don't want to do it to anyone, especially not put her through it.

She has to really want to stop! I really want to stop I have stopped and I don't see myself coming back for a long time, and most likely not ever! I chose to rid everyone of that person, but it was my choice. If she is serious she will do it without your help.

Honestly though, she knows you will take her back so she can get away with "murder" and it would be okay with you. Don't let her do that, and if she really loves you I promise she will stop in a heart beat! But don't give in so easy, and you probably don't want to spend the rest of your life dealing with someone like her... I should probably do my gf the favor and break up with her; she deserves better than I have been. You seem like a good man, you can find anyone, don't waste it on someone that will bring you hardship.

I wish you the very best. Although I have given you a recommendation, you will do exactly what you will do, but I do hope its a right choice.
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Old 08-31-2012, 04:39 AM
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it sounds like she has problems much deeper than alcoholism. if you continue to stay with her and let her keep coming back, you are enabling her to continue the same behavior, which indicates there is also a problem with you.
let her keep doin it and love her to death or let her go, let her seek help, then love her to life.
it didnt matter who tried to help me stop drinking when i was drinking. i had to have the help from people that had been in my shoes and the best move anyone who was around me when i was drinking made was to walk away from me.
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:05 AM
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Fixing the drinking problem requires acceptance of responsibility, and that goes for our drinking, or someone else's. You require that your GF accept responsibility for her drinking behavior, and responsibility for fixing it. You will support her in any way she chooses as she finds her way, but drinking is no longer acceptable. AA, rehab, detox, counselling, therapy, it doesn't matter, but it is her responsibility to fix this.

There is no anger here, just a simple statement of fact, some new information that she needs to hear. Give her some time to think this over carefully, say an hour or two, and then she needs to give you her answer. She gets one shot at this.

This can work, and I am speaking from my experience. I wish you the best, William.
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:24 AM
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Hi William,

I am a recovering addict with a sometimes sober alcoholic boyfriend.

I also suggest you check out the family and friends of alcoholics section of this website. you will meet many people who totally understand what you are going through. A great place for support.

You can't save her. She will stop or not stop but you can't stop her drinking. You can only take care of yourself.

I've learned that lesson from both sides. I desperately wanted my ex husband to save me, fix me, make my life so amazing that I wouldn't need to drink and drug anymore. But he was not able to do that. That was something I had to address with my heart and soul.

The same is true for my boyfriend. Even though I know the hell of addiction and the road of recovery, I can't give it to him. Believe me, I've tried.

As you are already experiencing, no matter how much you love her, try to create a safe haven for her and a loving relationship, alcohol comes first and she puts herself in dangerous situations. That will only get worse as time goes on.

I encourage you to take care of yourself and your own recovery, you will understand what that mean after visiting the family and friends forum. Because people in long term relationships with addicts DO have to recover themselves.

None of us here can ensure that things will get better for those we love, everyone has their own issues. But by working on our own recoveries, we can insure that things get better for us. And that is one more happy productive person in the world! Well worth the effort!
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:58 AM
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Threshold, That is some powerful stuff. Growing up I always said I never wanted to be like my dad, an alcoholic himself putting my mom and us, his kids, through so much pain. Here I am. I have caused the one I love pain, and if she or I leave her, I hope the road of recovery will be well for her. But really, I just want to repay her ten times over for what she has done for me... actually even if we did breakup I would still send her checks in the mail as the least I could do for her Thank you for your input, although its not my thread I learned from it, and from you.
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by William86 View Post
Hello, I'm new here. Just need someone to vent to. I've been seeing my girlfriend off and on for about 4 years. We usually always break up due to alcohol related incidents. Recently it has been her going out drinking and does not bother to call me. All I've wanted was a quick call but she will not. She has lied in the past and has done.drugs, then comes home after 3 day benders and apologizes, says she misses me and will never do that to me again. This seems to be happening weekly now. I don't know what to do because i love her. But I have no trust in her words anymore, and I'm just confused and upset. I said i would be there for her to support in her getting sober. Any comments or suggestions would be helpful..
I'd leave and get myself another girlfriend.

If you try to fix this you are asking for a world of hurt. Just my $0.02 Canadian.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 08-31-2012, 04:30 PM
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Man, I appreciate all the comments and helpful insight. Today was day one of her really commiting and atleast communicating that she loves me and wants to stop not only for us, but herself. I hope this is true. Here's the kicker though. She is a waitress/bartender and works late evening hours, so this is what has concerned me aaaalways. It's so easy to just stay after work with co workers and get tossed up. I'll know when I don't recieve that phone call when I know she's off work. I'm counting on her, this maybe my last real push to save my relationship. Hoping for the best.
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Old 09-07-2012, 11:30 AM
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So yesterday I ended our relationship. This person had taken a toll on MY well being. Not only after all we discussed 2 nights later she came over w alcohol on her breath. Unreal. I also have not been able to trust her in other aspects of life too. She is a very flirty person and thinks she does no wrong. She gets way too personal with complete strangers and it just confuses me and makes think, geese I wonder how she is when I'm not around. And I know she's gotta be 10X worse. Anyways I need to look out for me, not babysit and worrie about what someone else is doing. She will fall on her face sion enough. I mean 2 dui's and she still continues to drink and drive. Sucks but I no longer and stress about someone who just will not change. So I will live the sinhle life for now, and I'm kinda excited about that.
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:38 PM
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Hey William, glad to hear you're taking care of YOU! I believe there is someone out there for everyone, and no one deserves a toxic relationship. No one.

All the best!
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:53 PM
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I think you made the right decision. Sounded like a lot of turmoil for a relationship that is supposed to be grounded in love.

Stay strong, don't get sucked back in.
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