Its taken over my life
 

I thought I was doing well not drinking and smoking... I have had trouble with alcohol addiction for a long time but the past two years it has been really bad and every time I go to get help or manage to quit for a while I end up binging again. I met a wonderful guy online the past two weeks. I moved a few hours from home for work last spring and don't really know anybody here, I decided to try online dating. I met the greatest guy ever, like a dream come true... I completely screwed it up with my drinking. I lost him because of it. Went over to his house and had dinner with him, I decided "a bit" of whiskey wouldn't hurt. Well I drank the whole bottle in front of him, acted like an idiot... Puked in front of him. I lost the man of my dreams and I'll never forgive myself. I was so stupid to think I had a chance with a guy like that? Out of my league... I hate this addiction so much, its ruining everything, I lost him and I don't want to lose my job too because then I have nothing. I need help. I haven't slept for 3 days, I feel too guilty to call in sick to work even though my nerves are shot and I can't sleep even a little bit without a few drinks. My emotions keep changing from angry to depressed. I feel so unstable and I have nobody here with me to talk to. That guy will not see me at all he wants nothing to do with me, I feel worthless and wish I could disappear. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I need a hug so bad like a real one :(

Well, sometimes this disease beats us up to the point that we become capable of doing something about it.
Seeing a doctor would probably be a great idea.
Desperation sucks but it seems like the only effective wake-up call for most of us.

The good news is that you can get to the other side of this and look back as a happy person.

Prayers your way.

There will be other guys, and how well can you really get to know someone in 2 weeks ? Don't worry too much about that, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Now - sounds like you really had enough ? Alcoholism is progressive, and things only get worse - never better. That has been my experience.

Please get out to an AA meeting and/or seek counseling, lot's of options out there.

I've been where you are, paranoia, anxiety from drinking... Things will get better, much better actually - but you need to do the work... Please take care of yourself, as you deserve better...

Welcome to the site. Sounds like you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Time to make some changes for the better. I quit drinking over two years ago and no longer hate myself. I don't wake up wishing I were dead. I am happy with my life and participate in it instead of just drinking myself numb all the time.

I hope you can find the strength to quit drinking. It take some work and some time but it's worth the effort.:hug:

Hi Feta...Welcome to SR. Glad you posted. You are at a low point. Alcohol brings out the worst in us. I wish I had more comforting words for you. It will get better. Lots of support here. Keep going one foot in front of the other.

Please see a doctor.

Jim

Welcome to SR FetaCheese :)

Hugs!

Whatever you do, please get some help to quit drinking. I was not the type to seek support but who knew that things were actually possible if you just asked for help when you needed it. Going to AA might help you meet some people in your area too. Or have a look into some other recovery methods. Whatever you do, don't try to drink your way through the hard times. It never ends well. And on the other side so much is possible :) Please forgive yourself and move on from this situation. Things will get better x

Feta, I can feel the pain in your post.

Do try to forgive yourself because I know from experience, if you beat yourself up too much, then you risk turning back to alcohol. Learn from what happened, forgive yourself and work on staying sober.

Thanks everyone for your responses I had to leave work early today from a horrible migraine, I neverwanted to take a sick day... I always pride myself on being reliable... But I just couldn't do it today. I am a weak person. I would like to go back to AA but how can I when I have no energy really to get up and get out of my place... I can't even eat or get any sleep when I lie down. I am having constant panic attacks, my nerves are shot.. Don't even have the energy to go sit in a doctors office and wait. I am also so scared to do it. I am literally dying of panic attacks here. I dont have any alcohol around and don't plan on getting any right now. I can't relax and it is just killing me. I want to be around people because I feel so alone but at the same time I don't want to be near anybody.

Call the AA number in the phone book and talk to someone... get back to AA.

I'm near Windsor, where are you ? PM me if you want.

All the best.

Bob R

Hi, Feta. Welcome. It sounds like you are going through some major withdrawals and that really sux. I'm sorry. :-( I can promise you that it does get better. I'm 10 days sober and each and every day is a blessing, trust me. Soon you will be able to sleep and the panic attacks should disappear without the alcohol poisoning your system. Keep posting. This place is very supportive!

Hi Feta

Welcome to S.R.

I know things seem really bad right now, but you can turn your life round.

I'm new at this, day 12 and it gets better with each day.

I do think you need to see a doctor. Get as much support as you can.

Be strong, if I can do this then so can you. We are all in this together.

Big hugs

Gxx

Welcome back Feta :)

You can turn your life around - it's entirely possible, if you want it :)
It takes a little work and commitment but many of us have worked away back from the bottom - I know you can too :)


If you're really ill please do make the effort to see a Dr.

D

Welcome,

I am very much aware of similar experiences such as yours, age does not seem to matter where alcohol is concerned.

My drinking from 16 yrs old for 35 more years cost me everything, not the monetary costs, but the costs money cannot buy.

I do not understand "addicted to alcohol", as I was not a daily drinker, it's whenever I drank alcohol be it daily or every now and then, I would drink to black-out and the next day I probably drink again despite the calamity from the binge the day before.

The money would run out, I isolate and it got worse and worse, vowing , " I will never drink like that again"....
So why did I keep trying to drink ?
I learnt that the greatest obsession of the real alcoholic is to one day hope he/she can drink like others.
So I was not addicted, I was obsessed, in other words it was in my thoughts, my mind that I thought one day, I'll get it right!

Then I discovered I will never be able to safely drink, due to the way my body deals with alcohol, and only I can tell that inner experience of my drinking if I am truly honest.
The honest truth is, I can never safely drink alcohol at all, due to the way my body has always dealt with alcohol. Always I mean from the days my mom took me to church for a spoon full of church wine, I wanted more right there and then, I was 8 years old and I do not have a problem drinking family, in fact the entire clan never seem to have a problem with alcohol, just me.
So I believe I was born alcoholic in the medical sense of the word.

You may need to consider, that once you take alcohol and find you cannot stop at one drink, and only want more, and that "change" in personality, to consider that there may never ever be a time where you may drink "normally".

If that is the case, then chances are you are alcoholic but only you can admit that to yourself....

All this stuff I learnt in the BB of AA with most meetings of AA and 12 step work.

Thank you everybody... I hate this so much. I have to head back to work soon. Why am I feeling like I want to go buy a bottle of wine after work and drown in my sorrows even after I know that drinking is a big part of the reason why I lost that guy. I feel so pathetic and I feel like I am trapped. I don't know if I should try the walk in clinic or what. Its so hard to fight the urge to go buy more alcohol and smokes and do what I always do every night. Drink and smoke my life away. I need help I need somebody to talk to. With my work schedule how am I supposed to see anybody? I work until 5 every day. I am trapped in this hell world of alcoholism. I don't know how to stop because this is all I know.

I find someone to talk to who understands completely at the AA meetings. Just call the number in the phone book and you'll be on your way.

If I really want a job , I'll find one..... If I really want to get sober I can get to a meeting.

All the best.

Bob R

Your anguish and despair is so familar. But there is a way out. Drinking is easy; recovery is difficult to even consider when you are trapped in your addiction. But if you expend half the energy you use to maintain your drinking on recovery efforts, you'll get there.

If you can find the time to drink, you can find the time to get help, seek out support, read about recovery from alcoholism, post to SR.

But it's on you. No one can carry you across the finish line except you. We can cheer you on, but you have to run the race.

Feta, I drank daily for 35 years. For years I told myself I needed to quit. But I was playing lip service to my addiction. Finally, I saw with utter clarity where I was headed if I didn't stop. Call it a miracle, call it pulling on my big-boy pants and getting serious about recovery. But I quit.

I'm a couple days shy of two years sober.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Sounds to me like alcohol is doing to you what it was doing to me. Robbing you of your self esteem. The great news is that it can be reversed if you quit. I haven't tried AA yet, but it may work for you. Keep us posted.

Sorry and feel your pain of what happened , but you can be free.

5 pm is a perfect time to get ready for the nite life of AA . Here thats when all the meetings start 6pm till midnight. :)

And just thought I would let you know there is no league's of people. He wasn't out of your league , were all on the same team.. :)

I hope you try some meeting your life can change right before you eyes. :)