ashbyee

Hi all. I am on day three. I am reading, posting and have a therapist appointment tomorrow. I have been consumed with the AVRT program and it seems to be helping me- I can only speak for myself. All in all - I am good - so far........ I am able to quit for weeks at a time and moderate for months at a time and then BAM I get messed up and it starts to pick up speed..... I hate it....

Here is the problem: my H keeps offering me drinks!?!?!?!? I have not stood on the roof tops and declared sobriety, but I am not drinking. I have told him I want to get healthy again and the booze is getting in the way. He approached me four different times last night offering me a cup of vodka??? WTH?!?!?!? Do you think he wants me to keep drinking so he can control me? I don't drink during the day and have been very high functioning. It is the evening wine problem. I get buzzed and passout. I hate it -so I am stopping it. I feel bad in the am- cannot take another hangover. Done.

Has anyone had a spouse that has done this to them?? I am really mad!

IndaMiricale

I just can say I think not drinking for a couple weeks then "moderately" would be awfully confusing to me if I were him.

Seems to me you have some decisions to make..

TorontoGuy28

Does he have a problem too ?
If so, perhaps your decision to quit will make him look in the mirror and question his habits ?

Jeni26

What are his drinking habits?
I had this too in the first few months, but it was him rebelling as he saw my sobriety as a threat x

doggonecarl

I've not encountered this problem. Must be tough.

Maybe it's time to do that.

Not just for him, but for yourself. Fully commit and remove any wiggle room for "moderation" or a return to drinking.

And tell your spouse what you expect in the form of support from him.

Anna

It must be confusing for your husband if you drink sometimes and not others. Maybe it's time for you to make a decision to stop drinking permanently and to explain that to him. He may or may not be supportive, but as long as you know you're doing the right thing, you'll be fine.

Lost3000

I agree with doggonecarl and Anna.

My husband didn't get it at first either. He didn't hand me a glass of vodka, but 3-4 years ago we had this talk about my drinking. He said, I don't think you are an alcoholic, you just need to cut back. Perfect for my alcoholic brain. So instead of cutting back, I just learned to hide things better from him. That resulted in total confusion in him when I did quit this Jan.

What I had to do was get frank and honest with him. He deserves that much right? After all I did. I told him exactly how much I was consuming, no sugar coating. And then he got it. Why I was doing what I was doing - AA, sponsors, etc.

And now he supports me, completely. He doesn't question me, and he goes overboard to support me sometimes when we are out and around booze.

Good luck. I think being honest with him had a type of accountability for me, and in the long run it was a good choice.

Auvers

Maybe your husband has become accustomed to your usual pattern of behavior and has not gotten the message that you are not drinking anymore. When you are ready to make that commitment, it would be best to tell him and ask him to help you by not offering drinks. And try to remember that it is about you and your decision and not what he thinks of your decision. Lots of partners feel threatened by lifestyle changes that might not include them.

freshstart57

Congratulations on your decision to get sober, Ashbyee, it is the best thing that you can possibly do for yourself.

Watch that AV there. Of course you are good, you have full confidence in your ability to quit, I am sure. I know that you can do it.

As for your husband, I would simply tell him that you no longer drink, and you would like his support and understanding. That oughta do 'er.

jaz06

Hi ashbyee,

Welcome. I just joined this month myself. Already finding this site sooo ubelievably helpful.

My husband also drinks. Certainly enjoys his scotch in the evenings. Although he seems to have much more control than I do. When I realized that I really have a problem with it (like you, sick of the horrible hangovers & the very scary blackouts I've had). I had to sit him down & have a 1 on 1. I had to be honest & tell him that I have a problem with drinking. I agree with Inda saying that maybe he's a little confused as to how serious you are. We made it clear that when I say I don't want any, or the times I've decided to have 1 or 2, don't enable me by offering more. It makes it so much harder. I promised him I wouldn't give him a hard time if he wants to drink. I'm the one with the problem, not him, but I need his support.

Although I haven't accomplished quitting yet, I only have had 2 the last 2 nights which is huge for me. He noticed & congratualted me. Thank God I don't like scotch, hate the stuff, so it doesn't seem to bother me when he drinks.

Hang in there & good luck to you!

ready4change12

Hi. I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband has been infamous for bringing home a bottle of vodka, even on nights I ask him not to. He even went as far as to start telling me when i don't drink, I am "boring". It took me getting back questionable blood tests involving my liver that made him quit pushing the issue. Even after that though, after I had been sober 6 weeks and wanted to drink again, we started right back where we had left off. He finally realized that I cannot drink and has been really encouraging this time around as far as supporting my efforts to quit. But, I had to have a very long talk with him about my reasons, and why this is whats best for ME. It turns out he was afraid that if i quit permanently, I would not want him in my life anymore, or I would expect him to quit also. After explaining that I love him, and he is not the one with the problem, I am, he discovered that our relationship is not gonna change because of my sobriety. I am still the same woman who loves him, I'm just around to love him more instead of passed out all the time. Maybe it is time that you talk with your husband. Maybe he too is worried that your sobriety will alter your relationship.

hrich1122

My husband has also done this and I have screamed from the roof top that I don't want to drink. I've told him I'm an alcoholic, he agrees that I am one.

To be honest, people that don't have a drinking problem really don't fully understand it. I agree, its confusing when you sometimes drink but then profess that you aren't any more...and over..and over...and over. They don't understand that "just one" or an "occassional" drink doesn't work. In my marriage, we've always had alcohol around and would drink together at night or on the weekend. Its kind of a habit that he may find hard to break.

Tell him that you're seeking sobriety and that you would like his support.

justhadenough

This is an interesting point. My hubby is supportive BUT he genuinely doesn't think I have a problem.We had a long chat last night. the problem is-he voices his doubts whihc makes me doubt myself. When I quit he is so supportive but I lapse and he tells me not to beat myself up,then couple of glasses here and there isn't a problem

I genuinely think sobriety must be easier when single

hrich1122

Once mine sees that I am no longer binge drinking or have went a while without one...I think he believes I'm "cured" and can go back to my days of "normal" drinking.

Pigtails

My boyfriend did this all the time. I think he wanted me to continue drinking with him like he was used to, he didn't want to have to look at his own drinking, and he was just USED to me drinking, and not taking me seriously when I said I was going to stop.

I finally learned that this is way more about ME than him. If I consistently turned down his offers of drinks and ACTED upon that by not giving in and drinking, he got the message and stopped his offers of drinks, or at least they tapered way off. And finally, based on some advice from fellow SR members, I had a heart to heart with him and explained that it is important for me to not drink, even if I sometimes feel like having a drink, and it makes it harder when he offers me drinks because I could be feeling weak or it would pique my temptation etc. So I asked him not to offer me drinks, which was honestly hard because a part of me liked that he offered them to me-- it was an easy way to go back to drinking any time if I wanted to. I had to be convinced inside that I do not want to go back to drinking no matter what, and start cutting off all channels for alcohol to be able to intrude into my life.

That being said, I remain convinced that the biggest change came not by what I said to him but by my actions and my own inner conviction. Because if I were to go up to him this moment and say, "I really need a drink, let's go get drunk!" he would say "Okay great!!!", notwithstanding the number of times I have explained to him why drinking is bad for me and I shouldn't do it and don't want to do it etc. He hears all that and I even think he agrees with it but he still likes to drink and would prefer if I drank with him, so, WORDS only go so far, it's ACTIONS that count.

Best wishes.

Pigtails

BTW, it's not entirely on topic but this description you just provided is a perfect description of what alcoholism is. No matter your resolve or desire to not drink, alcohol takes over and eventually gets back in and BAM you're right back to where you were, except worse, because it's progressive.

If AVRT does not help you recover from alcoholism consistently, perhaps you should try a different way... I'm glad you are starting therapy, and perhaps you are not doing AVRT correctly or something? (I don't know much about it so can't help in that department... just saying that if what you have tried isn't working, keep trying other things because eventually you need to beat this or it will beat you, unfortunately.)

smacked

He's not psychic.. if you haven't expressed that you're never drinking again, how's he supposed to know what to do? Based on your behavior so far, you have kept returning to drink. Sometimes people who love us don't want to admit that we have a problem, no matter how much we scream it at him.. so even if you do, it's not his job to understand alcoholism or treat it..

ReadyAndAble

I don't think you need to shout from rooftops. But at the same time, you do need to be clear. This seemed to pretty much do the job:

If you say that, and he persists, well then it's time to ask him what's going on from his perspective... Just like if you told him you hate tuna, and he kept offering you tuna, you'd naturally have cause to ask him what's up. I don't think anyone needs to be an expert in alcoholism (or tuna-hating) to get that.

AVRT has been of enormous benefit to me. Glad to hear it's helping you as well.