bender2

Hi guys,

I've been here before after being hospitalized due to my panic attacks from alcohol withdrawal and lack of eating after a 10 day bender. I was attending AA meetings and got a sponsor, and got on antidepressants. Really wanted to quit. Told my friends and family about it and they were supportive, but then I guess I got lazy and decided to "test myself." I thought, I can drink like a normal person. I was moving apartments and starting a new job and thought I didn't have the time to be jumping into this 12 step program. Well they say alcoholism progresses. I have yet to go to the hospital again, but I've been starting to play with fire. I was "good" for a while, barely going out and when I did I wouldn't drink too much. But believe me there were a few blackouts in there. I won't lie. I thought, okay I can just stop drinking THAT much. We've been going out on Thursdays at work and I got blackout drunk with the CEO of my company and all of the Executives and I don't know what I said. I don't think anything bad. Then this past Thursday I went out with a coworker and got blackout drunk and the next morning was still so drunk and saw wine on the counter and thought I need to have that so I'm not anxious at work. I knew the panic I was in store for and I wanted to avoid it. So I drank while at work out of a water bottle. I don't think anyone noticed, but how pathetic is that? Then I went out again that night. I was counting the hours until I could drink and then I blacked out again that night. Then woke up Saturday morning. I knew my roommate would be gone for the weekend so I could do what I wanted. I drank all day Saturday, passing out here and there, then couldn't sleep so was up from 3am on still drinking. I was actually watching Intervention episodes and crying and thinking, that's me. I'm going to be like them. I am like them. I was worried about when my roommate was going to come home and see that I was drunk on Sunday. I hadn't showered and wasn't eating or drinking much water. She ended up coming home late Sunday night and I was passed out on the couch. Then Monday morning after barely sleeping, I knew I was in trouble to go to work. I knew I'd have a panic attack so I drank some wine and showered and got ready and pretended I was going so my roommate wouldn't be suspicious and then went back to bed and called in saying I had a stomach flu. I have only been working here for one month and already missed 2 days my first week for severe strep throat. Now I'm sitting at work completely anxious and barely able to function. I know this isn't even THAT dramatic of a story compared to others, but I am full of shame and guilt. If anyone saw me drinking at 8am after calling into work what would they think? No one I know would ever do something like that. It's completely irresponsible and just makes me so depressed. Do I want to go back to the hospital? Do I want to be fired? I threw up twice yesterday and still drank. WHY??? I have no hobbies, no love interests. No one wants to be with me. I go on dates all of the time and I won't even drink at all on some of them and still no one ever wants to be with me. I have no self confidence. I miss physical human contact. I have empty wine bottles hidden all over my room. I am so tired of sneaking around and lying to people. My roommate saw my mess of a room and said why didn't you do anything all weekend? Why didn't you work on your room? Did you do your laundry? Do you want to go to the gym with me? I had no answers for her. Just sat there feeling anxious. I couldn't sleep a wink last night and it took all of my strength to come and face work today. I'm here now and trying to do my best, but I'm so scared. My drinking is killing my brain cells and I can barely function at work. And I'm supposed to go out drinking Thursday and Friday with coworkers. I'm afraid I'll feel "better" by then after not drink today and tomorrow and think I'll be fine and then start this hell all over again. I know what I have to do. I know I have to go to AA and actually put forth effort into saving my life, but I still don't know if I can admit I'm an alcoholic. Why can't I just be normal? I feel like I will never be happy and I'm an untalented piece of garbage that's a waste of a human being and a disappointment to everyone. My stomach hurts and I have no appetite. I know that I need to sober up and love myself before anyone could ever love me, but sometimes I think if I had a boyfriend I would be different. I wouldn't want to drink that much and we would do activities together. Sorry for babbling. Thank you to anyone who is listening. I tried to use the chat room function for immediate support, but it wouldn't let me for some reason. I was up all night on this reading people's stories.

Meg

VibrantQueen

Bender, my heart aches when I read your story as I see so much of myself in it. You shared that you were in recovery and attending meetings and were doing well for a time. Well, what says you can't go back to that?!

You've only been at your job for a month and you have already set the expectation with your co-works that weekly drinking binges are your thing. Are you willing to change that?

What is your game plan for getting back on track? You are solely responsible for your sobriety.

Jeni26

Hi Meg. Thankyou for posting. I can feel the desperation in your words. I understand. It all seems impossible for you. The answer doesn't lie in finding someone to be with, it can only come from you, you know that.
Why not call your sponsor now. You can't deal with this on your own any more. Then go and see your doctor. With the amount you've been drinking, I really think you need some medical help. Don't drink any more, you're taking such risks to be having these blackouts and being so ill.
You deserve to be well. You can do this. Reach out to your AA support, they will understand.
I'm sending a big hug your way. Please keep posting and let us know how you are xx

Hexipuff

Meg what a brave and honest post - THANK YOU
I see so much of me in what you have written.

Please reach out again to AA. Go back to a meeting today. Call your sponsor. Do any of those things and you will get support.

Keep us posted. Believe me we all care and wish you the best.

ladybug77

Meagan,
I see myself a few years back in the words you have so bravely shared, right down to the Thursday office outings. I agree you should see a doctor for help with this. I also agree you should call your sponsor and reach out to your AA group. You are not a piece of garbage, merely a human who has lost her way. There is lots of support and information to be found here and the chat room is always open, looking forwad to meeting you there again. (big hug)

BruceJ

Meg...prayers your way.
Many of us have been there and are now reasonablly happy....you can be too.
As others have said....see a doctor....be honest with him/her.

Reach out to the good folks at AA....be honest with them as well.

You can/will be fine....Try not to worry too much about the job...if you don't stop the drinking, you probably won't have a job very long anyway....put your sobriety as number one today and things will work out. It's pretty amazing.

All the best.

Sapling

Hey Meg...I could totally relate to your post....I just gave up wishing I could be normal....That wasn't going to happen...I've lost every job I've had because of my drinking....I drank just like you.....What's it's going to take? How would you honestly say this applies to you?

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.

bb pg 44

That was a no brainer for me....Once I could honestly admit to myself I was alcoholic....I could start working on how to live happily without it.

Hevyn

Welcome Meg! I saw myself, too, in your post. I'm sorry you're hurting and miserable. It doesn't have to stay that way - you can turn this whole thing around.

Everything will get better once you get some sober time behind you. You can heal and feel hopeful again. I drank almost all my life. In the end, I drank all day. I woke up and started with beer to calm my shaking. Then I took it to work, because I'd start shaking if I didn't have it in my system. It was a living hell. I don't know why I convinced myself I needed it so badly. Once I was off it, the relief was amazing.

You can have a whole new life, Meg. One where you are proud of yourself and wake up looking forward to the new day rather than being filled with dread. Drinking killed my spirit for many years - but I got it back. You can, too. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Live2Run25

Meg,
thanks for coming here and posting. You really need to get yourself some help. Drinking before work, is not normal, and a sign you have problems with alcohol. You sound like you REALLY want to quit in this post, and I think you should. Don't be concerned with the "alcoholic" label. If you feel like it's doing anything bad for you, then you should stop. Tell your coworkers you aren't going out. You have to give up that stuff, or the cycle will never end.

best of luck to you!! ((((hugs))))

Dee74

Hi Meg

I can remember wishing I was normal and not wanting to even think the word alcoholic too...and yet I couldn't stop drinking...and once I'd gotten away with drinking at work once, or drinking first thing, or maintaining that buzz all day, I did it again and again and again...(and I didn't think anyone knew? they did, I'm afraid)

It gets worse, a lot worse Meg - whether we accept the term Alcoholic or not, all of us who drink like this really need to stop drinking.

We need to get help and we need to make changes to our lives.

Do what you need to to stop the slide now...the earlier the better and the less difficult it will be.

You'll find a lot of support here too - you're not alone

welcome
D

Sasha4

Hi Meg

You sound desperate right now and I hope you decided to get help - be it doctors, hospital or/and AA.

Just try and think about what you are doing.

My work life involved some get to togthers where drinking was top of the agenda. I blacked out at a lot of them. In front of CEO's, colleagues, senior management.
Don't do it.
My actions still haunt me.
Work people are often not as kind as friends and like to gossip and judge. Then that does really make you paranoid. Co-workers can have a habit of bringing stuff up again and again and never et you forget.
I work in a small industry and people jump to different companies, so there is no getting away from it unless I change career which right now is impossible.


Don't get your yurselfinto any situations where work and drink are together. They do not mix at all.
If you have to go out and be a team player, have soft drinks, stay an hour then leave.

It's not worth it, really it is not.

sugarbear1

That kind of life only gets worse and worse.

You can change it, though!

Start small and begin to clean your room before your roomies complain of the stench! one piece at a time!

I got my place looking so much better and now it's about maintaining that "better" and I feel like I've done something!

You can do this! Then (or now) get back to a meeting...

Love & hugs,

Dovie0212

Hi Meg~

I used to beat myself up to about why can't I just be a "normal" drinker. I have had a very hard time with Step 1!!! I don't like being powerless!!!

I would agree with what everyone else has mentioned above

Hang in there!!! If I can do this, you can do this!!!!!

Sending prayers your way tonight

Pondlady

Meg,
I can feel your pain. Please call your doctor and your sponsor....you don't have to do this alone. We all understand feeling shame and guilt - we've been there - it just eats at you.

Do not drink with your co - workers! Don't mistake professional colleagues for friends - never wise to mix business with personal .

Please let us know how you are doing.

fgo

meg,
The only thing you hve to admit to is you cant drink.
Neither can I or almost everyone on this site.