ughh

Hi, I've never posted on anything like this before, but I've come to a point where I need to put this out there, and there might be a better message board around, I just don't know where.

My mother-in-law has been an alcoholic for many years, and has been in and out of rehab several times. Right now, she has been living with my husband and me for about a year (we just got married a couple months ago) and we can't take it anymore. She got out of a 40 day rehab program yesterday, and was drunk within 6 hours of being back. She denied it, as she always does, and went to bed.

We need to force her out of our house, I know that, and I am coming to terms with it as of today. I feel amazingly guilty because I don't know where she will go, and I know as soon as we bring it up she will flip out and blame my husband and I for everything. I know that the only thing I can control is whether or not I am near her/talking to her, but I am totally scared of the actual event of kicking her out (and I'm pretty sure it will end in us calling the police to remove her).

I am sure that somewhere deep down, she feels horrible about the pain she has caused her family, but I still know that she will blame me and my husband for making her "homeless" and we will have to suffer the wrath of her drunken outbursts--although maybe only over the phone?

I just don't know how to face the facts that my husband and I have to be the ones to officially cause a huge rift in the family (even though she herself has actually caused it, and most of her family is on my side anyway), and I don't know how to actually start that conversation/argument with her. I just feel guilty.

Thanks for listening.

least

You and your husband are not responsible for her sobriety. And if her presence in your home is causing stress then she needs to live elsewhere. If she blames you as is likely you'll just have to realize that she's not being honest with anyone, least of all herself.

Welcome to SR!

freshstart57

I suggest you look at Rational Recovery's advice for families of alcoholics. It involves telling your MiL that her drinking won't be tolerated now. She has the choice of drinking or not drinking, and she also bears the responsibility for that choice. She has one chance and one chance only to remain sober in your house, because if she drinks again, then you will call the police to remove her. You will no longer give her your home so that she can continue to drink there.

It is her choice, drinking, or continuing to live with you and your husband. Give her 30 minutes to think about it, then get her answer. Be prepared to follow through, and let her know that this will indeed happen - out. Her choice, her responsibility.

Here is one SR member's experience of doing this.

ughh

Thanks for the advice, I'm checking out Rational Recovery right now.

My husband and I have discussed offering her that choice before (either stop drinking or move out), but we really don't know how to enforce it. She lives in a separate part of the house and can very easily avoid us, and we both work full time while she stays home on disability and sleeps a lot, and my husband ends up feeling like we would need to constantly babysit her in order to know if she had been drinking. Any ideas for enforcing the rule without a full-time babysitter for a 60 yr old woman?

artsoul

Welcome, ughh - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but I agree with freshstart and the others that you need to establish firm boundaries - no drinking or she's out. You can always give her a certain period of time (a week?) to find other arrangements.

If need be, you can get test strips and do an alcohol urine test if you believe she has been drinking. Let her know that this is a part of the deal and if she doesn't comply, you have to assume she's been drinking.

Another thing: you need support for yourself, too. I hope you'll check out the section for Family and Friends, if you haven't already:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Sapling

Welcome to SR....I was in a position not unlike your MIL is in right now....Alcoholic all my life....Pretty much given one more chance as my family was giving up on me. I had lost everything and I was too sick to even get a job. I can tell you the one emotion I had over any other emotion...Was sheer terror. Complete helplessness and hopelessness. If I had been given the ultimatum to stop on my own or leave....I'd probably be dead right now. I was helped out to detox medically and go to rehab and get in a program and committ myself to it. That meant going to 90 AA meetings in 90 days....I went to more than that....But that is a good start. Not all alcoholics can quit on their own...Some can...I wasn't one of them...I imagine that's why Alcoholic's Anonymous has been around as long as it has and is located all around the world....It's saved the lives of millions...Mine included. I have 14 months sober now because these people took me in...Saw the desperstion in my face...And helped me. I just want to throw that out there....As maybe a possibility of giving this lady some hope...Because that's all I needed...Was a little hope. If she doesn't want to committ to something like that....Or anything else...I guess there is nothing you can do...But maybe you can throw that out there....You never know.

ughh

Hi Sapling, thank you for your reply and your recovery story, it really does give me some hope for my MIL.

Unfortunately, the whole family and I have done everything we can at this point to try to help her over the last 10 years, but she doesn't seem to want to stop drinking. She has been arrested and court ordered to counseling and rehab several times, but it doesn't make a difference at all. She was actually released yesterday after 39 days in a treatment center and was drunk within 6 hours of being home. She used to go to AA sporadically, but now doesn't want to. We have tried to be so supportive and hopeful and get her any and all help that we can, but she breaks our hearts every time.

With her in my house, not only am I beyond stressed and worried all the time about finding her somewhere after one of her falls, I am also scared she is going to burn my house down because she leaves the stove on sometimes.

I just don't think I can keep having any hope and having her crush it until she voluntarily gets help on her own, or at least reaches out to us for help. I can't force my help on her anymore because it's clearly not helping her or me. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Sapling

Give her the option...You go to a meeting everyday...90 days...The day you miss one...You're done.....Maybe something will click....If she doesn't want to stop...There is nothing you can do....Put her on the street....That was the choice that was given to me. For myself...Something clicked....I wish you the best....I know how bad that situation sucks...Firsthand.

wow04

The best thing my mom did for me was tell me at the age of 14 to either go back to rehab or get out of her house. I left. What it did was make me face the consequences of my drinking and using drugs. It took me a while, but I knew where to go when I wanted help. Your MIL has been to rehab, she knows where to go if she wants to get sober.

freshstart57

I was not suggesting this, Sapling, far from it. I don't think ughhh cares in the slightest whether her MiL stops on her own or not. I was suggesting that the responsibility be placed squarely on the drinker to change, that it is no longer acceptable to say, 'I tried this and that, I really did, but it just didn't work because I am still drinking'. Not good enough.

Here is the ultimatum that was given to me: Do whatever you need to do to stop drinking: rehab, leave my home and family to stay with my folks for a month, self committal to the addiction wing of CAMH, AA, all and any options were open to me. I was promised support for any choice I made. The choice was mine, but the boundary was clear. You may not continue to drink and live here. So you must now make this choice: what is your plan for continuing to use alcohol?

I chose to stop drinking that morning, and I took ultimate responsibility for that choice. That meant it was up to me to make it work. I made it work.

Live2Run25

I have to agree with the majority of people who have responded. It is not worth the stress and upset in your life. She is choosing to be drunk. She was drunk the day she got out of rehab.. she clearly isn't going to change. She didn't even try to live in the real world. In a way, letting her live there almost seems like enabling. I would tell her "Sorry. we can't have you anymore" and kindly send her on her way. You and your husband don't deserve that kind of trouble. Just my opinion!

Dee74

Hi Ughh

I think we all have the right to set boundaries in our own home and to expect our houseguests to follow those boundaries.

You've done the right thing - provided shelter and care for someone - but now that is costing you and your husband in terms of peace of mind, and probably other ways too.

The solution, as you say, is inevitable. I don't see you have anything to feel guilty for.

I expect you will face some reaction but, having joined us, you're not alone

As you can see you'll find a lot of support here - I can also recommend the Family and Friends forum - you'll find a lot of support wisdom and experience down there as well.

Welcome
D

ughh

Thanks again everyone. Today was the first time I've ever reached out to people who aren't personal friends or family, and it's been really eye opening. I may even have the guts to go to an al anon meeting or something sometime soon.

I really appreciate all your support and opinions, and my husband and I have a plan to sit down with his mom tomorrow night (hoping that she is somewhat sober when we get home from work) and tell her she has to go if she is going to drink. I really agree with those of you who have said that if she wants to stop, she needs to make that decision herself, and she clearly hasn't decided that yet. I also agree that us letting her live here in enabling her to drink and have no responsibilities. She is an adult, and knows where to find help if and when she wants it, so I'm going to try my best to not feel guilty about whatever happens and remember that she made these choices herself.

Sapling

Sending prayers your way...For all of you....You have to take care of yourself first.