Mygreatdebate

Good morning Forum. I need to post to stay strong as I have to go to work and can't hit a meeting until the evening.

I relapsed after 9 months for the first time in my life of staying clean. It has been a fun ride and I was feeling great! and then bamn! that sneaky thing called addiction came knocking on my door.

It showed up so innocently, and yes, the first weekend I did just "have a few" but by this last weekend, I downed an entire fifth of vodka with diet cranberry juice over an 8 hr. as if I had never been gone.

I was so ashamed yesterday and hung over, so I got my shakey self to a meeting. I don't usually go to the a.m. mtgs, so I knew no one and had to admit to a room full of strangers what I had done.

They were supportive of me and I remember holding hands at the end thinking how my hands were shaking from being so upset and hung over.

Well, today I woke up in celebration. Ah.... that new feeling of being clean. You know how free it feels, how refreshing it feels, how happy I get. Why would I ever want to give this up?

So I am on my second stint of getting clean, day two; first year in recovery. I am excited to see where this all takes me one day.

Because I know where the alternative takes me - jail, institution or death. I didn't believe that when I was 28 and had got popped for my 2nd DUI. And then 12 years later, it happened again.

The evidence speaks for itself. I need only to accept that I simply cannot drink. It's scary, but that i why I am reaching out to like-minded people who understand.

Have a great day everyone and I'll be checking back. I like to get on here and see the responses, to know that there are real people who understand and have been there!!!!

Sapling

You know what's going on....You know what you have to do....Use the support you have and keep moving forward. Sending prayers for strength and willingness your way. Have a great day!!

VibrantQueen

Mygreatdebate, thank God that you made it back! I'm happy that you didn't give up and pressed on and didn't let that temporary roadblock stop you. I can certainly testify to how amazing it feels to be clean and free. I never want to give this up.

I'm supporting you 100% on your journey..day 2..one day at a time!

artsoul

Welcome, mygreatdebate!

I had a relapse that lasted 7 years and after getting sober I asked myself the same thing. It really is "cunning, baffling and powerful" as they say. I'd been to treatment and AA and stayed sober for 4 years - how was it possible that alcohol took over my life again?

The one positive in my relapsing is that I have a new respect for my disease now. I know you can use your experience to make you stronger, too. Put your whole being into it and you'll be fine, but remember to take it one day at a time (it makes it less scary that way!)

Auvers

Good that you know how to get sober, you had 9 months and enough resolve to do that. Good that you are getting back to your alcohol free life right away and not letting more time drinking increase its hold on you. Your post is a reminder to me here in early months of recovery that it takes a commitment to embrace the word "NEVER" and to do whatever it takes to keep that commitment. Best wishes to you.

Mygreatdebate

Thank you everyone, I knew you would understand! One of you spoke of "cunning, baffling and powerful" and I hope it becomes more and more clear to me just how true that really is. Because after 20+ years of drinking I seemed to rationalize it somehow.

These last 9 months of being sober made me think see, I quit! I am not alcoholic. I hear the stuff they said in treatment and in the rooms, but somehow just thought that I was a glutton in all that I do, I love to feel good. It only made sense to me that I would drink until I could drink no more. I simply wanted to be happy!!!

Another pointed out after 4 years of sobriety they had a 7 year relapse and that is scary as **** to me! I may never come back if I don't get real about what this is, what it has done to me and how bad it really was.

I am starting to realize how BIG a part denial has played in my life to support continued drinking.

It is the best feeling to know that people truly understand where I am and what I am going through. This forum gives me that, and for that, I am grateful.

I do go to meetings, but with only so much time to share, I get snipets and sentences from people as feedback to what I have shared about and that is good. But I also like to balance it here in the forums so that I can come back and see in writing that others understand.

Here's to my new day 3 of starting over. May God stay by my side and keep me sober. Last night after work, I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin since the alcohol was back in my mind, out of my system, but my brain new what place it visited this weekend and it wanted to go back there - badly.

I took my butt to a meeting and with God's grace, made it through the night. I pray for us all that we can make it again today.

Grace2

Hi and welcome back.

I'm a returning member too ( day 11) and as I keep sayin to everyone, including myself, 'falling down isn't failing, staying down is failing'. At least you've come back and I bet you've learnt a lot along the way.

Stick with it, you can do it and you know where we all are.

big hugs

GXX

Sapling

For me...AA is all about the steps...You'll hear meeting makers make it....I can tell you step takers stay sober and happy. It's great that you made it back...I'd suggest getting a sponsor....And working the steps. These two sentences rang a bell for me when I read the Big Book.....

The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death..........bb pg 30

You have to get it firmly planted in your mind....It's an illusion.