Sick & tired of being sick & tired
 

Hello Everyone.

Day 1...again. With high hopes, but along with fear of just another day of being disappointed in myself. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about quitting. It's exhausting. Here's a little of my story, thanking anyone in advance who takes the time to read it, letting me vent & possibly offer some support.

Like most, I've always enjoyed a good party, having a great time with family & friends. Of course, drinking always goes hand in hand with that (or at least in my case it does). Throughout my 20's, I was only a social drinker. I didn't need a drink everyday, but it seems that when I did drink, it was always in excess. Never considered that a problem, because afterall, like I said, I didn't need one everyday. In my late 20's, I went through a divorce, which honestly wasn't a bad thing, I was getting out of a very stale & lonely marriage. Had much excitement for where life was going to take me. Had no idea that the next 2 years of my life were going to be 2 of the worst.

I met and unfortunately entered into a relationship with a very abusive man. Although there was physical abuse, it was most definitely more emotional & mental abuse. This is when my drinking started to get out of control. It was my escape, and I started drinking daily. When I was a social drinker, I was the girl that had a blast. Laughed constantly...I was the fun 'drunk'. Not after this. For a woman who used to be confident, outgoing, intelligent, this man had me feeling like I was no good to anyone. I wasn't a good girlfriend, I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, wasn't a good mother, sister, daughter, couldn't cook, clean or didn't bring in enough money (get this, he was unemployed...I was a single mom that supported him...go figure), but when you have that beat in your head everyday, all day, you start to believe it. The fun drunk now became the sad & depressed drunk. But beer was my friend, it helped me cope by numbing everything in me. At the time, I still functioned everyday...did what I had to do, so I still didn't think I had a problem. On top of all this, I distanced myself from everyone. He never wanted me around any of my friends or family. It was easier to do that than to fight with him over it. I was so alone. Blamed myself, I was embarrassed & ashamed of who I was becoming.

I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. Although he was a horrible man, some good things came from me knowing him. I met several acquantances, but more importantly a very dear friend that I'm still close to today. Through her, I met a wonderful, amazing man who, at the time I didn't realize, would become my husband. He helped me in so many ways (and still does). He pulled me from that hell, & helped me grow and find myself again. On a sad note though, the person I had become was already an alcoholic. But I was still blind to that, refusing to see it as a problem. Afterall, my life is looking up now. So I'll be able to quit in the future, right? Thinking I'd save on calories (what a joke), I went from being a beer drinker, to martinis (thank God that didn't last long), then onto wine.

That's where I'm at now. Wine, everyday. Sometimes I want to be that happy drunk again, I enjoyed that. But what scares me is that more times than not, I get sad, depressed, angry, anxious...shall I go on? What I used to think was my friend, is now my enemy. I hate it. I keep trying to fool myself by saying I can cut back, but I don't think that's going to happen. If I could just have a couple, that would be fine. But a couple always leads to many.

I'll be 40 next year. I want to be happy & healthy. It's time to make some changes...I have to. I'm seeing differences in my looks, my skin is dry, I look bloated all the time, which does wonders to my confidence. I almost always feel guilty about something I said or did while being drunk. Even if it was a long time ago, I just can't seem to let go of the guilt.

Ok, so what was going to be a 'little' of my story, kind of drug out a bit. Sorry. I could probably go on, but that can be another day. I used to think losing weight was hard! Hell, that has nothing over this! With much hope, if I can manage to quit drinking, some of this bloat & weight will go along with it. Certainly won't be missed.

Thank you for letting me vent, and any advice would be much appreciated. Like I said in my title, I'm so sick & tired of being sick & tired.

Welcome ,
we've all had a day 1, some of us several times . pull up a chair, read, learn, ask questions or just share if thats useful to you,

Bestwishes, M

Welcome to SR. This is a great place. Seeing your doc is a good starttoo

Nothing changes if nothing changes. There is no one "fix-all" method for this disease. Myself, I use AA, SMART, and therapy to work through my issues. I've had several day 1's over the past two years. That doesn't mean I failed, just means I figured out what doesn't work for me. If I can do this, you can do this...and I'm as logical and hard headed as they come.

Welcome jaz!

I found that I never could get back to the "fun days," and I worked pretty hard at it. After repeating the same day over and over again for months, if not years, I finally gave up trying to make it work. Alcohol made me more and more depressed and anxious.

If you're at the end of your rope, that's a good thing. Getting sober is scary, I know, but it's the best thing I ever did. Stick around - this is a great place!:wavey:

Welcome, Jaz! I turned 40 in April, so we have something in common besides the drink! ;-)

Hi Jaz :)

I wanted to go backwards too - back to when drinking 'worked' and was fun...but this thing really is progressive...the only way off the merry go round is to get off the ride.

It is hard - but you're not alone here. You can do it :)

Welcome aboard :)

D

Hi - I know how you feel because I ended a relationship with someone who was verbally abusive. Now that he is gone I have been focused on getting my self esteem back and not drinking. You're right that alcohol numbs you but also causes depression and anxiety. If you can afford it, I would try to get some sessions with a therapist and be Healthy!!!

Welcome Jaz. I, too, clung to the days when drinking was still fun & somewhat manageable. Trouble was, they were 20 yrs. ago. I had progressed into being totally dependent on it. There was no more fun - just misery & danger. In the end, it was a necessity - so I wouldn't shake.

We know you can do this, Jaz. Keep posting with your progress & thoughts. You aren't alone.

Hey Jaz~

I am new to this forum as well and drinking is a little bit like mine. I didn't drink everyday, but when I did drink it wasn't just one bottle of wine!! Anyway, I have been in and out of AA since 2009 and just never faced the fact that I was an alcoholic. Step 1 is brutal for me!!! I hate being powerless. Well, I had 30 days AGAIN a few weeks ago and well I drank on Aug 18th. I too am sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was brutal!! AND embarrassing.

I don't know if you have been to any AA meetings but I would suggest it :)

Anyway, hang in there. Don't take the first drink. We only have today. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Find your higher power!!!

Big Hugs!!!

Hi Jaz,
Welcome to the forum. To really quit I needed a program for ongoing support, I chose AA and SR.
Nearly 14 months sober, feeling good and looking good. It sounds like you have a lot going for you in your life, you can improve that one hundred fold by getting sober.
I hope you find the strength, the program to achieve that.

Love
CaiHong

Hello jaz06:

I found renewal from my sickness in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wish you the best in your chosen program of recovery

Bob R

Welcome to the family! :hug: Sounds like you're ready to make some huge changes in your life. Sobriety takes some effort but is so worth it. With the help of my counselor and this site I've been happily sober over two years now.:)

Dovie, thank you so much for reaching out. I'm still getting used to this forum. I tried to reply to your message, but apparently I have to have 5 posts before I can. I will definitely be in touch! Thanks again.

Thank you Least! I wanted to thank everyone for commenting on my post, but for some reason it didn't show on your's. So a quick msg to say "Thanks!"

LOL!!! I am getting used to the site to and had the same thing happen to me!!! I was wondering about you.

How are you doing???

LOL! I mean CaiHong...told you I'm getting used to this.

Ugh! Insomnia!! I just posted another msg. (so I can get my 5 to be able to msg you) Take a look if you get the chance. Can't consider the 27th my sobriety date. :( BTW...when's your b-day?

Jaz, My story is very similar to yours. What was once fun, social drinking has become drinking alone and to escape my feelings or something that's going on in my life. I am technically only on my day one but didn't drink for almost a month back in April, and it was the best, strongest, most freeing time I have had in probably ten years. And I want it back! Oh...and, like you, all those years of trying to lose weight seems like a party in comparison to this struggle.

Alcohol plays mind games with us..and once we start feeling good again, we think we can handle it. This website has amazing support, it's a great place to turn when you are craving or just feeling blah. It's like a constant reminder that sobriety is just SO Worth it.

I used to look back on my drinking as fun, stress free and enjoyment.
Then when I realised I had a problem, I also realised I looked back on my drinking with rose tinted spectables.

For the most I don't think my drinking was fun or laughter filled.
I got black out drunk quite a few times when I was in my teens.
I never drank to enjoy, I drank like a teenager to get drunk.
It caused problems with my parents. Especially when they had to sit up with me in the night to make sure I did not vomit in my sleep.
It made me paranoid.

Maybe it's not all my fault - does anyone ever teach you the right way to drink?

I had a very immature attitude to drinking - I did it to get sloshed.

I had more fun when I could remember and join in the conversation.
As the years went on, drinking fustrated me more. Could I trust myself and just have two or three?
Had I drunk to much and was I drinking like others was a constant worry.
What I said and did while drinking always weighed on my mind.
I turned to drink after bad things happened - to brood over being dumped by a boyfriend, an argument at home or a bad day at work. How in anyway shape or form was that happy care free drinking?

Just have a look back and see is all occasions were really happy and carefree?
Just an observation from my past.