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Wanting a Change

Old 09-02-2012, 10:27 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 44
Just got done reading all 3 pages of your posts on this thread. I don't know if you have seen it yet, but in my thread I do make mention that i cant get this site figured out, lol. I have sat here and cried three separate times reading your posts. I know you have had it so much harder than me. I don't know what the hell happened that I got by so light on the physical WD. But what is amazing is that you say some of the same things i thought on the same days! The isolated fleeting thought of "where's my stuff" on the same morning - and then the disappointment. The learning to live again all over. The grocery store. The looking in the mirror. The being skinny. The eating whole meals.
I have found so much comfort and joy in reading this, and realizing someone else, somewhere else is going through the same things. Thank you so much!
Sometimes it feels like such a blessing when your feelings come back and you just rejoice that you are not numb. And sometimes it is so scary because you know you have been using to hide what you would really feel once you got clean. The guilt. The guilt as a mother. The guilt as a provider (financially). The anxiety and the horror. But on day 4 I was playing on my laptop and I found a word document i had (apparently, lol) written to myself one night when i was using and it was a list of everything that was either destroyed, or in the process of being destroyed because of my using. I think it had been a preemptive attempt at trying to convince myself it was time for this to stop. It was heartbreaking to read, sober, and i had a good cry. but at the end, after about 5 blank sentances, i apparently took the liberty of writing a note to myself, that i am assuming was for me to read once i had quit. and it said
" You are Done. Congratulations you are free! Everything you have done in the past is forgiven. Because you have just fixed everything. You have just accomplished the damn near impossible and you get to be so glad!! You have given your children back their mother. You have given your husband back his wife, you have given him the gift of a life that is no longer a nightmare, and his blessed innocent sleep. When, God sees fit that you make it here, don’t ever be foolish enough to waste this miracle by going back.
I love you."
it was insane finding it. But it did make me realize that, maybe back when i was using, i had every reason to hate myself or feel guilty. And i did, kind of. But now, I have every reason to be proud, and the guilty is not going to help me move on. Time to move on and live!
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