773niki

Hi all,
Happy Sunday! I've posted something similar before, asking for advice, and there's been a new development and I really need to share. My sobriety isn't necessarily in jeopardy now, but I know in situations of the past, this type of conflict has almost always led to a fall off the wagon, so I promised myself I'd get it out there instead of internalizing it all.

Since I got sober again a few weeks ago, everything has turned around and meen great. The relationship with my boyfriend, work has been awesome (I'm actually productive!) and my bank account isn't dwindling down through my own stupid expenditures.

But, there's a rift between myself and my sister and mom. Before all this, I confronted my mom and my sister (who are like ridiculously close) about some things my dad told me about my mom before they had gotten divorced (mind you, that was like 20 years ago). Anyway, I drank and called my mom and I guess you can say I opened a can of worms about stuff that my mother, who is a firm believer of not confronting any situation that might paint her in a bad light...I asked her about what my dad was saying (i'm very close to my dad).

I know my mom cheated on my dad alot. I know my mom got the house my dad built...I know my dad got the short end of the stick. HOwever, my dad was an alcoholic and he didn't pay child support, so I guess it evens out...but my dad was saying stuff about a company my mom owned and lied about in court - basically all this ****. It was a he said/she said thing.

I asked my mom to tell me the truth...and apparently, this was the wrong move. My sister accused me of being greedy and dillusional...my mom wouldn't answer of of my questions...they believe ignorance is bliss but I want to know!

Anyway, according to a text my sister left my boyfriend, this is the worst thing I've ever done. She told me she's done with me forever and that she doesn't want me around her son and choosing me for a godmother was a mitake. Mind you, this is all because I asked QUESTIONS. I sinply asked...I told my mom I don't think my dad is a saint here...I just wanted to know what the truth was and I got nothing...and now no one will talk to me.

I hate fighting with them. I know they know I was drinking when i talked about this, which sucks on my part, but it wasn't black0out drinking - it was asking questions about demons I've had for years.

The truth hurts...I get it, but I'm 30 and my mom still can't talk to me like a human adult woman.

Bottom line -what should I do? everything is going so well in my life and I don't want this to bring me down but it is. I can't sleep at night because I keep going over and over what I would say to them if I write them a letter. I hate it...should I leave them alone for some time? I honestly not think I'm wrong...perhaps my delivery was wrong, but the questions still remain.

ANy advice?

fallingtogether

Hi Niki. In my opinion, this is a sticky situation. Remove the fact that your father divulged his side of the story to you. Remove the fact that he has chosen to expose the past wrong doings of your mother to you. She is your mother. The fact that she may or may not have owned a business and may have or have not lied in court doesn't change that she is your mother. The statement that she cheated on your father doesn't chage the fact that she is your mother either. Does the fact that your dad is an alcoholic change how you love him? Having lost my parents at early ages ( mom when I was 4 dad when I was 25), I realize that it doesn't matter if my parents were going to get divorced before I was born, or if my dad had multiple affairs. I still love them with all my heart. Being un faithful to your spouse doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you a bad spouse. Maybe mom isn't ready to talk about these things your dad alledges, because there was hurt and she carries guilt and shame. I would simply apologize to her and simply suggest that right now isn't the time to worry about it. And at the same time, ask our father not to try to push his hatred for her onto you. You only get one mom and one dad, and you love them for who they have been to you, not to each other.

mecanix

Other people are out of my control . I make sure my own side of the street is tidy so i can stay sober .
Sounds like there is a lot of resentment here, would'nt it just be better to move on and let it go . consign it to the trashcan of history. You're the one whos allowing this to effect you, why not let it go ?

bestwishes, M

Jeni26

I've just had to learn to let family stuff go now. I've accepted that I can't fix people or make them behave in a certain way. Your Mum is unable/reluctant to talk to you about anything. You can't force the issue. Families are so difficult to deal with, sometimes because the roles are so entrenched we fall into playing the child.
In my case, my family can drive me to the point where only a drink will ease the pain, and that's suicide for me. So I just take care of me and my sobriety as a top priority.
Maybe it's time for you to accept you may never know the full truth about this? It is in the past. Time moves on. Don't let it stop you growing x

Taking5

What is your motivation? What would you do with this info if you knew the truth?

Are you in AA? The Serenity Prayer seems to fit in unusually well here - this might be a perfect application for it.

artsoul

I agree with the others - find a way to let it go. This happened between your parents 20 years ago and they don't have to share it with anyone if they don't want to. Unless your mom wants to talk about it, it doesn't seem to be helpful to bring it up. Forgive your parents for being human and get back to you!

773niki

Thanks everyone. While I completely understand where you guys are coming from and agree with you -- the past is the past and my parents are my parents, no matter what, and I do love them. However, because I had the "nerve" to question my mom, both her and my sister are not talking to me. They also, I know, will not reach out to me. I will get "beat up" for this for a long, long time by them ignoring me, by feeling further like an outsider when I'm around them and for even having flirted with the idea that my dad was telling the truth.

To be honest, I do not care what happened. I do not know what I would do with the truth. I think, deep down, I'm angry with my mom. She always has negative things to say about me, about this disease, about how I thrive on conflict, about how I have to grow up, etc. -- she paints this horrible picture of me quite often -- and I guess I kind of wanted to bring her downfalls to attention for once! I know this sounds bad, revengeful, full of hate - but she always has so much to say about how I mess up that I wanted her to perhaps take some accountability for her actions as well.

I know this is like poison, holding on to this, but I can't help but feel this way. Now, I do think I can move on, put this in the past and let it go - but I'm still in the predicament where I'm not talking to them, we're all stubborn, and if I don't make the first move to reconnect, they will not. And I don't know how long it should go without talking! (normally, we have sunday family dinners and that obviously has been happening without me the past few weeks.

I can reach out, again, and then my sister will make me feel like a peice of crap. I will just get yelled at, reprimanded - and no one of them has enough of an open mind to at least SEE my point...where I may be coming from. It's all very black and white to them and I see alot of grays in everything.

I know we don't see eye to eye - but I don't want to concede, again just to get a backlash that I feel I don't deserve. I just don't know what to do. It all sucks and it weighs on me and the minute I try to talk to my mom about it - she'll put me on hold and three way call my sister or if I email her, shell forward it on. Nothing is between us. Ever. And I CAN SEE their point of view, which I've said over and over - but they can never, ever see mine and it's more than infuriating.

If I didn't have a 6 month old nephew that I am dying to see, I would let myself get distance, as I think that will help me stay sober and keep drama out, but I feel terrible about that. I don't know. Just at a loss.

I always am the one to reconnect. My little sister, mind you, has never said the word sorry in her life. I dont' want to, again, let her feel like she is right when I don't believe she is. She may not agree with me or what I said/questioned - but that doesn't mean she ahs to talk down to me and disown me!

Sorry for the vent. I'm just really frustrated with this situation and want it to be done.

jennikate

I'm just really frustrated with this situation and want it to be done.

Well, you are pretty much the only one who can end the situation. It sounds like you have a lot of history here and that the disagreement was about more than this one issue. It sounds as if you have a lot of anger, jealousy, and resentment over your relationship with your mom and sister.
Does your father typically put you between your mom and himself? This sounds like really old history and I can't imagine he thought any of this would be helpful to you. If it was possible, it might have been better for your father to not share all of this information with you. Going back to your original post, I wonder why you think it's ok for your dad to have vented all of this irrelevent material to you. Especially knowing that your relationship with your mom and sister is already tenous and knowing you have an alcohol problem(?).
So then, you drink too much, call your mom, and want her to discuss an allegation from her ex-husband about something that happened twenty years ago. This is probably water under the bridge for her. And it never really involved you in the first place, at least IMHO. I do think there is a line, at least in my family, as to what is my kid's business and what is between my husband and I.
That being said, she also did not need to rush out to your sister to discuss this. I can see how you would feel ganged up on. It would be nice if your sister could see that this argument is between you and your mom. I'm sure your mom is capable of defending herself.
What to do now? Well...you're probably right in that they are not going to iniate an apology. But then again your mom did not iniate the discussion. So you could let it lie. Probably will result in pattern repeating itself over time. Next, you could apologize for your part in the argument. You must accept some responsibility in this, yes? I would keep it simple and absolutely refuse to engage in any bs. Make it simple and clean. You will feel better and will know that you have done what you could to resolve the situation.
In my life now, I am working on identifying and accepting my part in a conflict or situation. So far, I've found some aspect of every situation to be on me. I'm not suggesting beating yourself up with negativity, just that doing this can help you grow as a person and can keep the negative cycles from perpetuating themselves in your life.
Hopefully, you don't find this too harsh and can take something good from this post.

773niki

Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I agree with everything you said. It has been a long battle...there is definitely resentment and I would love to let it lie. I just know when I do apologize for my part in this, my sister (who said some very harsh things) and my mom will not apologize back or even accept it graciously. It will simply be a "Whatever" type of response, which will anger me more. I don't know, I would love to settle this, but my mom and my sister are very difficult people to talk to. I feel like they are very close minded and more stubborn than I am, which says alot.

I'm going to focus on my sobriety. Perhaps write a quick (non-novel length) apology and see where it takes me. Thanks again for your response. Definitely made me think.

fgo

773nikki,
I have been in the same situation for over 30 years. Simple answer, Let it go its none of your business what happened between your parents. I actually say that when they talk about each other. My relationship with my dad, mom, siblings extended family, friends ect, is just that my relationship. Not theirs. If they want to poison let them. I love them all.

Anna

I think you should step away and focus on your recovery. It doesn't seem healthy to me to be trying to get back at your mother because of her judgements of you. Step away.

And, yes, you CAN help but feel this way. Our feelings are not us. They don't control us. You can feel them and let them go. You can allow peace to come into your life.

Anna

I will add that you can't control how your mother and sister will react. You can't make them say what you want to hear. The only thing you can control is yourself.