WalkInMyShoes

Hi,
I'm not new to recovery, but maybe this time will be a new experience. The truth is that I am not sure I even want to be me, the clean and sober version that is.

I'm now 31 and the last 18 years have been out of control: everything has been about booze, drugs, strip clubs, and gambling. Every once in a while I end up getting disgusted about my addictions and end them, but my mind starts hunting for the way back to them quickly.

About 12 years ago I had my own business. I convinced my family to loan me money to start it and it just took off. I was a 19-year-old who had no business being in the position I got to. I had more money than I knew what to do with, but my addictions knew what to do with it. I ended up running it for 3 years before I blew every cent.

I ended up bouncing from job to job for a while after I lost my business: Addiction was my real full time job and I had to maintain it. I so job that helped me make enough money to stay all sorts of messed up: selling cars. I worked for the same dealer for about 7 years, with major on and offs (I quit and went back about 13 times). They only kept taking me back because I was actually skilled at sales, I'm still surprised I was any good.

I finally hit rock bottom when they told me I couldn't come back again. The worst thing is that I quit the last time to kick heroin, but it is an incredible fight that I keep losing. I can't really get a job at another dealer because I am on my second DWI/DUI and have no license. I absolutely wrecked my life, there is so much more to this story, but I am not writing a book here.

Sapling

Welcome to SR....I don't think there are many of us here with glorious pasts....The big question...Is what are you going to do now?....I dragged my ass out of the gutter with AA....There are ways out.

JWS

WalkInMyShoes, welcome. I do know that certain organizations like the Salvation Army help people in your position find jobs. Also, see if your local county has a workforce development agency. It may not be at a car dealer, but at least it can help you in the interim. Both options will only cost you time to investigate.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

You are young. You have a lot of life left in you if you choose. Why not get to Salvation Army or a rehab and start to build a real life for yourself today? If I can start over at 50, you can certainly start over at 31.

A year+ ago I didn't have a cent left to my name, no job, and problems galore. Fifteen months later there's not much I can't get through and I am employed and building a future for myself.

Amazing what we can accomplish when we want it badly enough.

I wish you well on your sober journey in recovery! Lots of AA and NA meetings in NJ!

Glad you are here!

Love & hugs,

Sapling

I think your priority right now should be getting clean and sober...Or you'll never hold a job....Maybe see about finding a way you can get into a rehab.

Dee74

Hi walkinmyshoes - welcome

I think for a lot of us, the priority needs to be to get sober and stay that way - everything else - even careers - has to fall in line behind that, because without recovery, everything else in our lives is at risk anyway.

Focus on recovery and everything else will come together, eventually.

Don't confuse the debris of your addiction with your new life either - all of us have messes to clean up, but it's not forever...we can and do build great new lives.

I don;t know who sober you is either - but I do think you deserve the chance to find out and give him a run.

I know it can take longer than we like - but you're not alone here. There's a ton of support

D

WalkInMyShoes

I wish I had the answer for what I am going to do now. I've been through AA/NA countless times. I go for a long while and then I just don't feel like I even fit in there. What I mean is that I feel like no one in the room wants me there. My mind plays games with me every chance it gets...

WalkInMyShoes

Thanks for the input. I do have a job, just wanted a different one because the money I make is nonsense. It is strange for someone in my position to think this way, but I demand more and more and more from myself. I cannot accept what I am earning now, it makes me cringe. I made more money when I was 17. I don't want to come off as the type of person who thinks they are better than other people, just someone in competition with his expectations.

2granddaughters

I didn't go through AA, I didn't get involved either. I committed to AA and it has kept me clean and sober for over 23 yrs. It saved my life.

WIMS, I wish you the best.

Bob R

candi7

Do you think you may have an underlying mental health issue.. I did and in dealing with it, it's helped me to remain sober and gain some sanity..

NoFireWater

"Don't confuse the debris of your addiction with your new life either - all of us have messes to clean up, but it's not forever...we can and do build great new lives"

Dee, what a fabulous line! Addiction does scatter debris in its wake, and we all have messes to take care of.

WIMS your life isn't screwed up beyond repair. Take it a step at a time and sort it all out. Being good at sales is a talent that you can apply to many fields.
Maybe your job will take you back if you're in a rehab type program and can show them you'll work hard to regain their trust. Do it for your health and well being, have some faith in yourself that you can kick these habits!

WalkInMyShoes

Yes, I have bipolar disorder and ocd. I have been on so many combinations of medications that it has often just made things worse. Also, I have dealt with 6 different doctors and finally found one that actually cares. The major issue is that medications are like a paradox with me: they do the opposite. Drugs actually make me normal and able to function. I know every addict says that...