At a tipping point
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 83
At a tipping point
Hi all.
This is my first post and I am new here. I feel like I am at a tipping point in my life. My drinking has become such an impediment to normality that if I dont stop I feel like I could lose everything. I am 30, married to the greatest woman anyone could ask for, a father to the most loving one year old, and I am a complete wreck.
I am horribly depressed, I went to a doctor and got antidepressants and they don't work. They dont work because I am ruining my brain with alcohol. I know this but I refused to do anything about it. I feel like I am off the rails, my emotions swing wildly.
I can't have a drink like a normal person. As soon as I have one beer my self control goes out the wIndow. I start hiding how much I drink when I go to get another beer. I know i'm not fooling anyone, but I still lie.
I don't know exactly what I expect to accomplish by postin here, but I woke up this morning and its another morning with a hangover and regret and I know I have to do something. This is at least something I suppose.
This is my first post and I am new here. I feel like I am at a tipping point in my life. My drinking has become such an impediment to normality that if I dont stop I feel like I could lose everything. I am 30, married to the greatest woman anyone could ask for, a father to the most loving one year old, and I am a complete wreck.
I am horribly depressed, I went to a doctor and got antidepressants and they don't work. They dont work because I am ruining my brain with alcohol. I know this but I refused to do anything about it. I feel like I am off the rails, my emotions swing wildly.
I can't have a drink like a normal person. As soon as I have one beer my self control goes out the wIndow. I start hiding how much I drink when I go to get another beer. I know i'm not fooling anyone, but I still lie.
I don't know exactly what I expect to accomplish by postin here, but I woke up this morning and its another morning with a hangover and regret and I know I have to do something. This is at least something I suppose.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Clinton, MT
Posts: 255
I was where you are 18 days ago....hopeless...full of guilt, panic, anxiety....pretty much feeling like crap.
There are some things you might consider doing today. Maybe, just for today, don't drink anything between right now and the time you go to bed. It's Saturday and many areas have open speaker meetings this evening...maybe check one out. Read a lot on this forum and ask questions regarding how others are doing it Put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing that you see needs to be done. These, and many more, can occupy your day and tomorrow should be much better.
Prayers you way....you sound like you are in the proper position to get this done....the first few days are pretty rocky but, you will find, well worth it.
All the best...keep us informed....
There are some things you might consider doing today. Maybe, just for today, don't drink anything between right now and the time you go to bed. It's Saturday and many areas have open speaker meetings this evening...maybe check one out. Read a lot on this forum and ask questions regarding how others are doing it Put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing that you see needs to be done. These, and many more, can occupy your day and tomorrow should be much better.
Prayers you way....you sound like you are in the proper position to get this done....the first few days are pretty rocky but, you will find, well worth it.
All the best...keep us informed....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Welcome to SR, outdoors. It's good to have you here. I'm sure you'll find much support and understanding here. We've all been where you are now.
Five months ago I was a depressed mess. My life was completely out of control and I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, or how I was supposed to carry on. I thought of alcohol as my only escape... something that cheered me up when I was down, etc - I didn't for one minute think that alcohol was the reason I was depressed in the first place. It's glaringly obvious now that the only thing standing between me then and the me now was my alcohol consumption. I've been sober almost five months and I am a different person. I'm in control and I am settled, secure.
I promise that giving up alcohol will do wonders for your mental health. There are so many benefits to sobriety and whatever we think alcohol gave us, those benefits far outweigh it.
You can be sober if you want to be sober. You don't have to drink. You can be whoever you want to be and make your life however you want to make it.
Wishing you all the best, outdoors. I hope you find all that I have here. x
Five months ago I was a depressed mess. My life was completely out of control and I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, or how I was supposed to carry on. I thought of alcohol as my only escape... something that cheered me up when I was down, etc - I didn't for one minute think that alcohol was the reason I was depressed in the first place. It's glaringly obvious now that the only thing standing between me then and the me now was my alcohol consumption. I've been sober almost five months and I am a different person. I'm in control and I am settled, secure.
I promise that giving up alcohol will do wonders for your mental health. There are so many benefits to sobriety and whatever we think alcohol gave us, those benefits far outweigh it.
You can be sober if you want to be sober. You don't have to drink. You can be whoever you want to be and make your life however you want to make it.
Wishing you all the best, outdoors. I hope you find all that I have here. x
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Maricopa, AZ
Posts: 99
It's a self-perpetuating cycle. Alcohol >> anxiety >> meds >> no anxiety >> alcohol >> [etc].
I found it helpful to look at my situation as a third-party observer. That way I could see the cycle "he" was trapped in and watch "his" actions throughout the day. I would often treat it like watching a reality show and root for my guy to make it through the day without a drink. I still do this on my dry-drunk days which, considering the entertainment value, are just like watching a sitcom.
I found it helpful to look at my situation as a third-party observer. That way I could see the cycle "he" was trapped in and watch "his" actions throughout the day. I would often treat it like watching a reality show and root for my guy to make it through the day without a drink. I still do this on my dry-drunk days which, considering the entertainment value, are just like watching a sitcom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 83
Thank you for replying to my post.
For whatever reason it actually feels good to just be able to say, with some anonymity, what a mess I am. I am not going to drink today. I feel like every time I have tried to kick this that I have tried to make a sweeping change in my life based on a bad night. When I was younger I smoked and had a bit of a drug issue and I just kicked them as soon as I really wanted to, but every one of those vices I gave up seems to have compounded my alcohol issue. It was easy for me to stop buying blow, it was such a hassle anyway. But beer is in the grocery, I have to go to the store a couple times a week anyway to buy milk and food for my son and I always have bought beer when I went. Last month, I said I wouldn't buy beer again. but I ran out and needed more. Every day around 5pm I start to get the itch to have a beer. I don't know if thats normal for an alcoholic, but its like clockwork for me.
Not to sound like a self absorbed person, but I am a good looking, tall, athletic built guy. I chose to go to a large college on an academic scholarship instead of going to a smaller school on an athletic scholarship. This shouldn't be an issue for me, but I feel like a child. Like I don't have control of my life right now. I am trying to live the best life possible for my wife and son right now, but I have to get over this hump. I just don't understand why I do this to myself.
For whatever reason it actually feels good to just be able to say, with some anonymity, what a mess I am. I am not going to drink today. I feel like every time I have tried to kick this that I have tried to make a sweeping change in my life based on a bad night. When I was younger I smoked and had a bit of a drug issue and I just kicked them as soon as I really wanted to, but every one of those vices I gave up seems to have compounded my alcohol issue. It was easy for me to stop buying blow, it was such a hassle anyway. But beer is in the grocery, I have to go to the store a couple times a week anyway to buy milk and food for my son and I always have bought beer when I went. Last month, I said I wouldn't buy beer again. but I ran out and needed more. Every day around 5pm I start to get the itch to have a beer. I don't know if thats normal for an alcoholic, but its like clockwork for me.
Not to sound like a self absorbed person, but I am a good looking, tall, athletic built guy. I chose to go to a large college on an academic scholarship instead of going to a smaller school on an athletic scholarship. This shouldn't be an issue for me, but I feel like a child. Like I don't have control of my life right now. I am trying to live the best life possible for my wife and son right now, but I have to get over this hump. I just don't understand why I do this to myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
That 'itch' is something that I definitely do not miss. Argh! It's making me ache just thinking about it.
The only way that itch will stop pestering you is if you stop giving in to it. You are more powerful than that itch... it's definitely uncomfortable and tries to make you believe that you need the beer, but it's all lies - you do not need the beer and you can ride that itch out and let it pass. In (sober) time you'll find that you rarely get that itch.
The only way that itch will stop pestering you is if you stop giving in to it. You are more powerful than that itch... it's definitely uncomfortable and tries to make you believe that you need the beer, but it's all lies - you do not need the beer and you can ride that itch out and let it pass. In (sober) time you'll find that you rarely get that itch.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I can't drink like a normal person either. I am now reading the Big Book every morning and saying the morning prayers. I use to be able to go to a meeting everyday, but now I can only go to about 3 or 4 a week, because of a job that i just got. I have 8 months doing it their way, I had to get over trying to do it MY way, I became teachable again. I use to think "I know everything", now I think, What can you teach me?" It has been the best thing I ever did for myself!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Clinton, MT
Posts: 255
What they said...and...
It's great that you are good-looking, athletic, intelligent, etc. Unfortunately, while you may get great self-respect and respect from others for these traits and accomplishments
...alcoholism could care less. It does not discriminate.
Read up a little and I think you'll find the ugly truth regarding this disorder.
Fortunately, there is a better life waiting on the other side. All the best......
It's great that you are good-looking, athletic, intelligent, etc. Unfortunately, while you may get great self-respect and respect from others for these traits and accomplishments
...alcoholism could care less. It does not discriminate.
Read up a little and I think you'll find the ugly truth regarding this disorder.
Fortunately, there is a better life waiting on the other side. All the best......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 83
Thanks for your replies.
I wasn't meaning to sound self absorbed. Quite the opposite actually. I feel like with all the blessings in my life its absurd that I have allowed something to have so much control over my life.
I am just sitting with my boy right now enjoying him napping on my chest and reflecting.
I wasn't meaning to sound self absorbed. Quite the opposite actually. I feel like with all the blessings in my life its absurd that I have allowed something to have so much control over my life.
I am just sitting with my boy right now enjoying him napping on my chest and reflecting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome to SR outdoors 
I spent a lot of years not being able to look at myself in the mirror, I was that ashamed...recovery gavce me my self respect back.
It's a great gift to become the man you always wanted to be
If I can do it, you can too
D
I spent a lot of years not being able to look at myself in the mirror, I was that ashamed...recovery gavce me my self respect back.
It's a great gift to become the man you always wanted to be
If I can do it, you can too
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
outdoors,
Welcome to SR. It's nice to able to share our inner thoughts and fears with others who really understand the hold alcohol can have over us. What a lovely way to reflect, with your son napping on your chest
Welcome to SR. It's nice to able to share our inner thoughts and fears with others who really understand the hold alcohol can have over us. What a lovely way to reflect, with your son napping on your chest
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome outdoors! Glad you've decided to kick that stuff out of your life. I didn't have any reason for drinking, either. I guess I thought it was relaxing & that it enhanced my life. In the end, it almost destroyed me because over the years I became completely dependent on it.
You won't have the regrets many of us have - your little boy won't know the drunk and foggy daddy, only the healthy, fun one. Congratulations on this wonderful decision.
You won't have the regrets many of us have - your little boy won't know the drunk and foggy daddy, only the healthy, fun one. Congratulations on this wonderful decision.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Originally Posted by outdoors 
Thank you for replying to my post.
For whatever reason it actually feels good to just be able to say, with some anonymity, what a mess I am. I am not going to drink today. I feel like every time I have tried to kick this that I have tried to make a sweeping change in my life based on a bad night. When I was younger I smoked and had a bit of a drug issue and I just kicked them as soon as I really wanted to, but every one of those vices I gave up seems to have compounded my alcohol issue. It was easy for me to stop buying blow, it was such a hassle anyway. But beer is in the grocery, I have to go to the store a couple times a week anyway to buy milk and food for my son and I always have bought beer when I went. Last month, I said I wouldn't buy beer again. but I ran out and needed more. Every day around 5pm I start to get the itch to have a beer. I don't know if thats normal for an alcoholic, but its like clockwork for me.
Not to sound like a self absorbed person, but I am a good looking, tall, athletic built guy. I chose to go to a large college on an academic scholarship instead of going to a smaller school on an athletic scholarship. This shouldn't be an issue for me, but I feel like a child. Like I don't have control of my life right now. I am trying to live the best life possible for my wife and son right now, but I have to get over this hump. I just don't understand why I do this to myself.
For whatever reason it actually feels good to just be able to say, with some anonymity, what a mess I am. I am not going to drink today. I feel like every time I have tried to kick this that I have tried to make a sweeping change in my life based on a bad night. When I was younger I smoked and had a bit of a drug issue and I just kicked them as soon as I really wanted to, but every one of those vices I gave up seems to have compounded my alcohol issue. It was easy for me to stop buying blow, it was such a hassle anyway. But beer is in the grocery, I have to go to the store a couple times a week anyway to buy milk and food for my son and I always have bought beer when I went. Last month, I said I wouldn't buy beer again. but I ran out and needed more. Every day around 5pm I start to get the itch to have a beer. I don't know if thats normal for an alcoholic, but its like clockwork for me.
Not to sound like a self absorbed person, but I am a good looking, tall, athletic built guy. I chose to go to a large college on an academic scholarship instead of going to a smaller school on an athletic scholarship. This shouldn't be an issue for me, but I feel like a child. Like I don't have control of my life right now. I am trying to live the best life possible for my wife and son right now, but I have to get over this hump. I just don't understand why I do this to myself.
The other thing that worked wonders for me was coming here and just letting everything loose... I'm really kind of a closed person in the real world and put on an act like everything in my life is so great. So it was amazing to come here and just tell the truth about how depressed and how much of an alcoholic I was. Anyways, good luck whatever you choose... there will always be people here to support you whenever you want!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 83
OK made it through day one. Last night I went and had dinner with my wife and son. It was the first time in recent memory that I didn't drink at dinner. My wife noticed, but she didn't push the issue. I think she knows whats up, but is trying to give me my space until I talk to her. I have had so many false starts in this over the last few years that I really want to make this stick.
So, no drinks today. Its a beautiful Sunday and I have a ton to do.
So, no drinks today. Its a beautiful Sunday and I have a ton to do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Clinton, MT
Posts: 255
Sounds like your on the right track this time.....hang in there and don't drink today.
Glad you guys enjoyed dinner out...
Enjoy the baby today...they grow up so fast and deserve the best that we can give them.
Have a great day...
Glad you guys enjoyed dinner out...
Enjoy the baby today...they grow up so fast and deserve the best that we can give them.
Have a great day...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: co
Posts: 329
outdoors.. your thirty.. if you drink for another 20 years you will be writing the same story, except it wil most likely be from a deeper hole. Trust everyone on this site. the only way to get out of the downword cycle is to quit. Does it really matter what you label yourself? Quit digging and start the climb out. it will be worth it..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 83
Well it's 430 and I'm doing alright. At least mentally I'm ok. Phisically I'm drained. My head is splitting and I have been sweating all day. I can't get enough to drink. I feel like I ate a pound of salt. But I am going to do this right. Thanks for the support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Quitting is the first and arguably the hardest part of this. And you have QUIT! Now you need to stay quit. Some can just walk away and be done with it. Others use AA. I used SMART and Rational Recovery. And this website too. Life is just so much better sober. You will find it that way too . . . I'm sure about that.
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