Just can't do it on my own!! The beast is too powerful!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Just can't do it on my own!! The beast is too powerful!!
This beast is brutal!! It's amazing how tomorrow becomes a month so quickly. I kept telling myself I would quit and get back on the site tomorrow... then tomorrow... then tomorrow. But, today I know I'm slowly slipping back in to my old self. I bought a fifth at 12 o clock and have been drinking it since. First time I drank before 5 on a weekday since the dark days. And I knew it was wrong but I wanted to do it anyways. I got back with my gf and we hung out since Friday and I just wanted to escape today for some reason. We went to a wedding yesterday and I was only allowed to have a beer. So today I think I kind of revolted. I'm still in a relationship that I hate.
In the past month I have been doing well. I have drank every single night. But it varies from half a bottle of wine, couple beers, or even more. Stopped the day time drinking. Finally started golfing, going to movies, going hiking, camping, weddings, etc. Bought a new wardrobe, been going to meetings at work again, shaving every day, got my eyes checked, teeth cleaned, physical, took over my finances, etc. So what I learned from the time I was here has helped a tremendous amount. I'm still working out, still working on my career, which is going well. But I just feel the beast creeping up on me. It has slowly but surely come back and today I actually feel it. I feel the darkness that I was feeling before. And I feel helpless again.
My health feels good, I can go with just a beer and not feel the shakes the next day, or feel any heart issues. So I haven't been "binging" and don't think I need to see a doctor. I just think I need to come back here. That was the best month and a half I have had in years. Just being able to communicate with people who understand what it's like to fight this fight. And the best part is when I type this stuff out, I can't hide from my feelings any more. I hide my feelings from everyone, and if I'm not describing them I hide them from myself. It's so easy to convince yourself to give up today and wait for tomorrow, but when you put it out there that you are weak, that you can't do it on your own, it is just a sense of relief that is amazing.
I just realized today that I'm on a slippery slope and I do not want to start over completely from scratch again. I learned a lot the last time, hopefully this time I can add even more to it. I just want to stop drinking again. I can just picture myself every morning waking up with such a great feeling and such a positive attitude towards life when I was here. That was fun!! Anyways, I don't know where to post or what to do, so I wanted to take that step and open up communication again... because I know today was a sign that there is trouble ahead!!!
In the past month I have been doing well. I have drank every single night. But it varies from half a bottle of wine, couple beers, or even more. Stopped the day time drinking. Finally started golfing, going to movies, going hiking, camping, weddings, etc. Bought a new wardrobe, been going to meetings at work again, shaving every day, got my eyes checked, teeth cleaned, physical, took over my finances, etc. So what I learned from the time I was here has helped a tremendous amount. I'm still working out, still working on my career, which is going well. But I just feel the beast creeping up on me. It has slowly but surely come back and today I actually feel it. I feel the darkness that I was feeling before. And I feel helpless again.
My health feels good, I can go with just a beer and not feel the shakes the next day, or feel any heart issues. So I haven't been "binging" and don't think I need to see a doctor. I just think I need to come back here. That was the best month and a half I have had in years. Just being able to communicate with people who understand what it's like to fight this fight. And the best part is when I type this stuff out, I can't hide from my feelings any more. I hide my feelings from everyone, and if I'm not describing them I hide them from myself. It's so easy to convince yourself to give up today and wait for tomorrow, but when you put it out there that you are weak, that you can't do it on your own, it is just a sense of relief that is amazing.
I just realized today that I'm on a slippery slope and I do not want to start over completely from scratch again. I learned a lot the last time, hopefully this time I can add even more to it. I just want to stop drinking again. I can just picture myself every morning waking up with such a great feeling and such a positive attitude towards life when I was here. That was fun!! Anyways, I don't know where to post or what to do, so I wanted to take that step and open up communication again... because I know today was a sign that there is trouble ahead!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
good to see ya back,paul. do you still want to try the moderation thing or honestly and sincerely stop completely?i sure hope you want to stop completely.
during that time of not drinking, did you do anything to work on fixing you and yer thinkin?
during that time of not drinking, did you do anything to work on fixing you and yer thinkin?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 269
Best of luck! I have found this site to be extremely helpful and supportive. I totally know what you mean about feeling it creep up on you. Just try to keep remembering how great you felt when you weren't drinking. Start over tomorrow!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
It's so good to see you, Paul.
It is a slippery slope and there's no question that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It is relentless in its need to take over your life. I'm glad that you know you want and need to stop drinking.
It is a slippery slope and there's no question that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It is relentless in its need to take over your life. I'm glad that you know you want and need to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Paul,
I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I have missed you! I loved reading your posts.
You have got to get back on the horse asap. Do it before the back sliding gets worse....and it will. It sounds like you were making great progress in your life, and you WERE really happy - it came out in your posts. I hope to read more posts from you. Hang in there.
I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I have missed you! I loved reading your posts.
You have got to get back on the horse asap. Do it before the back sliding gets worse....and it will. It sounds like you were making great progress in your life, and you WERE really happy - it came out in your posts. I hope to read more posts from you. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: pawtucket RI
Posts: 2
Defeat the Beast
LIKE THE OTHERS WHO POSTED ADVISED, JUST GET BACK ON THE HORSE. YOU HAVE BEEN DOING AN EXCELLENT JOB KEEPING CONTROL OF YOURSELF. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF AND ALL YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED. IF YOU GO BACK NOW YOU WILL FEEL EVEN WORSE THAN YOU DID BEFORE. I USED TO BE YOU, THEN I GOT TIRED AND BORED OF DRINKING EVERYDAY.NOW I JUST HAVE A COUPLE OF DRINKS ON THE WEEKENDS. YOU'LL BE OKAY, KEEP FIGHTING MY FRIEND. YOUR WINNING! PS I USED TO DRINK ON THE JOB EVERY DAY, EARLY MORNING, STOPPED COLD TURKEY. ..
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Paul (welcome back!)
I know exactly what you mean about "tomorrow becoming a month." I finally figured out that it got harder, not easier, to quit the longer I kept at it. That meant there wasn't going to be an easier time down the road when I just wouldn't feel like having a drink. It sounds like you're realizing that, too.
I had a feeling you might be back at some point and it was good to see your post!
I know exactly what you mean about "tomorrow becoming a month." I finally figured out that it got harder, not easier, to quit the longer I kept at it. That meant there wasn't going to be an easier time down the road when I just wouldn't feel like having a drink. It sounds like you're realizing that, too.
I had a feeling you might be back at some point and it was good to see your post!
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I can't moderate and I couldn't stop drinking because I a, an alcoholic. I had to completely change my life and I did it through AA. I now have 8 months as of yesterday, and my Higher Power, or God connection is stronger than ever. I don't ever want to go back to my old self. I love my new self, my new freedom, my new life, my new feelings, my new me!! I will continue to do it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Welcome back, Paul. One of the things that really surprised me when I quit was how much better I felt psychologically. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, which I knew, but it wasn't until I quit that I put two and two together and realized how depressed I was as a result of daily drinking.
I hope you make today the day, it just might be the best day of your life.
I hope you make today the day, it just might be the best day of your life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
Glad to hear from you Paul Reading your posts inspired me to join this site and begin to post. I tried moderating last summer and quit 8 1/2 weeks ago. Quitting is easier.
Think about what you need to stop drinking and stay stopped????
Think about what you need to stop drinking and stay stopped????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
I scanned your last thread on moderation, and am glad you are back here posting. I think just signing onto a site called Sober Recovery is an important admission that this is indeed a significant problem. A deadly one, actually.
When I was still a functional alcoholic -- great job, etc -- quitting just wasn't in the cards. I had to to dig for a bottom where I could finally appreciate the ramifications of drinking, the total lack of control, of powerlessness, I had over alcohol. I gather you had about 45 days sober?Well, it wasn't until I was way over a year sober that I could actually look back and recognize the powerlessness I had over alcohol. And it was then that I was able to start doing the inside work on what made me an alcoholic. Drinking was just a manifestation of a lot of things that were just wrong inside of me.
Signing on here is a start. Talking about your lack of control over alcohol is a start. But there just comes that wham-o moment when you have to accept that two beers here, a half bottle of wine at dinner, results in buying that fifth a few days or a few weeks down the road.
You just have to accept that alcohol and you don't ix. Once you get to that point -- and I hope it's not after you lose your health, your job, your relationships -- you do find a new freedom. It's not going to be all rainbows and orgasms, but is a freedom you don't seem to have now.
I do AA, by the way.
When I was still a functional alcoholic -- great job, etc -- quitting just wasn't in the cards. I had to to dig for a bottom where I could finally appreciate the ramifications of drinking, the total lack of control, of powerlessness, I had over alcohol. I gather you had about 45 days sober?Well, it wasn't until I was way over a year sober that I could actually look back and recognize the powerlessness I had over alcohol. And it was then that I was able to start doing the inside work on what made me an alcoholic. Drinking was just a manifestation of a lot of things that were just wrong inside of me.
Signing on here is a start. Talking about your lack of control over alcohol is a start. But there just comes that wham-o moment when you have to accept that two beers here, a half bottle of wine at dinner, results in buying that fifth a few days or a few weeks down the road.
You just have to accept that alcohol and you don't ix. Once you get to that point -- and I hope it's not after you lose your health, your job, your relationships -- you do find a new freedom. It's not going to be all rainbows and orgasms, but is a freedom you don't seem to have now.
I do AA, by the way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Thank you very much everyone! I look forward to getting started again tomorrow. Today was not a great day. I felt for the first time in over two months that darkness that haunted me for two years. I'm not going to lie, I will wake up pretty hungover and not in the best mood. I just gotta suffer through that day one pain!! Anyways, thanks again for your support!
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