effortjoy

My mom was visiting us recently and she kept complaining about the lack of vodka and wine in the house. She kept repeating that she just needs a drink to relax. When my mom drinks she only has one drink, maybe two, but it seemed strange to me for the first time how utterly dependant she is on alcohol for relaxation. So my question is this: does alcoholism require a certain amount of alcohol to classify a person as sick or is it the psychological need that defines an alcoholic? I can now see how I was raised to drink even if my parents are 'normal' drinkers. When children are taught that a drink is needed to 'relax' or socialize or recover from a loss/stressful event etc then that becomes the coping strategy for life bx it's easy and it's fast. But I am so grateful that I recognize now that it is not really coping at all...

Sapling

As far as I know alcoholism doesn't require a certain amount of alcohol to classify a person as an alcoholic...But only that person can say whether they are alcoholic or not...I know for myself....I was a master at concealing how much I drank. But when I needed a drink....I needed a drink.

2granddaughters

When I was in the recovery home there were 4 guys in my group of ~30 that didn't drink or use but their thinking was exactly like mine.
The day I went into the home I didn't drink anymore and I was just like those 4 guys.. we all had a "thinking" problem.
They had lost their jobs, their families, their self respect and trust in themselves... just like me. We were all recovering using the same program.

So, effortjoy, I would say that the amount consumed means little.

All the best.

Bob R

nonblondechef

My need was really WANT. I wanted to drink and so I did. Alot. Most every single day for several years. Excellent realization, effortjoy - keep up the great work!

Sapling

I'm curious what they did with those guys for aftercare Bob?....Do you know?

Lost3000

My mom is like that. Drives me a bit crazy. Since I quit drinking, she has curtailed it. But I can tell she's antsy and wants to drink. So far she's not spent a lot of time in my house, but I just realized how hard this coming holiday will be with her here. I don't want booze in my house - but am I supposed to have it there for her? I dunno. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Live2Run25

I absolutely wouldn't have alcohol at my house to cater to someone elses drinking habits. If she knows you are working at your sobriety, I think it'd be extremely rude for her to come into your house expecting to drink.. that's just me. I never have visitors at my house so i guess my story is a bit different.

Lost3000

What if she doesn't know?

2granddaughters

The majority of the "inmates" were local but the Recovery Home had satellite meetings in quite a few cities around Ontario. I think a lot of the guys did AA as well by fibbing just a little ..... One fellow I know had a glass of wine at Christmas with his family and gave it up to come to AA.

All the best.

Bob R

Live2Run25

Sorry. I didn't mean any offense by it. I guess I just assume parent's know.. i'm really close to my mom.. she is the one who told me I needed to get my act together. I just wouldn't have anything there. If she wants to bring her own/buy her own, that's fine.

Sapling

Interesting....I was wondering about that....Thanks Bob.

Lost3000

LOL - no offense was had!!! I was serious in my question. She doesn't know. I'm close to my mom but I'm also 40 and live in another city with my husband. So she wouldn't really have seen my "best" drinking - I kept that hidden. Trust me, she'll happily bring her own to my house, because she doesn't know I'm a drunk. I REALLY don't want to tell her though. I think some reflection is needed in that area. Sorry - didn't mean to hijack this thread!

hypochondriac

Great post EffortJoy. I think things like this highlight how accepted alcohol is in society. Since getting sober I have been hyper sensitive to people saying 'I need a drink' or joking about putting whiskey in the tea at work during a stressful day. It bugged me so much early on but now I'm able to laugh along with them a bit. But it's easy to see how that is such an unhealthy way of thinking when you've abused the 'coping strategy'. So many people still seem to think it's acceptable, even joking with young kids about it. It gives me the shivers.

Someguy23

Alcohol is the socially accepted mood-altering drug (although marijuana is quickly becoming socially accepted as well). It's ridiculous to think normal drinkers don't use it as such or that they consider alcoholic beverages no different from other beverages.

In Romania, in the countryside, it is customary to start the day with a shot to "steady the nerves"... Frankly, I think emotional dependance on alcohol is much, much more widespread than addiction to alcohol, and can sometimes result in some similar behaviour.

ACT10Npack

If it does not makes a problem in your mom's life then I don't see the issue of it. People can cave alcohol and have 1 or 2 and it stops there. I know a lot of people who drinks everyday and stops after 2 or 3. It's something I can't do everyday and don't want to. Relaxing on alcohol is a bad habit but a lot of people do that and don't have a problem over time. But some people who do that will get addicted to doing it and need more to get that fix that they need. At that point problems will come about.

purpleperson

If your Mom does know about your sobriety, it's really awful to try to pressure you into having alcohol around. If not, you may want to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her know. But, agree with others, no matter what you have to stick to your guns and your sobriety. Congratulations on all the work you are doing!!!

As an aside, I think that when non-alcoholics say that they "need" a drink, I don't think they really mean "need." I think they probably mean something along the lines of "a drink is relaxing and enjoyable and I really need to relax and enjoy something right now. I choose a drink." Maybe not the healthiest option available, but for non-alcoholics probably not much different from I "need" chocolate or I "need" a hot bath. Now, for an alcoholic, or at least in my case, I "need" a drink meant "I don't think I can function if I don't numb myself with alcohol and nothing else will do." I was obsessed with the drink being the only option for relaxation. To me it's just another example of how my brain thinks versus how a non-alcoholic brain thinks. FWIW.

DayTrader

I used to think I "wanted" a drink. I just wanted one to help me relax, to help me be more social, to calm me down, to make me happy, etc.

When I'd try to do those things (calm down, relax, be social, and so forth) without a drink though.....I'd discover I couldn't really do them very well. Knowing that "needing" a drink was a bad thing......a sign of alcoholism......I'd convince myself that I just wanted one, that I didn't NEED it, that I wasn't dependent upon it.

Alcoholism is, IMO, most easily spotted when someone is NOT drinking though. How tightly wrapped are they, how uncomfortable are they, how unhappy are they living an ordinary life sans alcohol or some other drug?

It took some growth and some time in sobriety for me to see that I didn't really just want one.....I NEEDED one. I wasn't able (or willing to try, really) to do many things without some type of social lubricant.