How does one conquer self-hatred?
 

I've been in recovery for a little over a month now (minus a small relapse). I feel great. Life is the best it's been for a while. I've been doing research and educating myself on my disease as much as I can as well as reading about others' experiences.
As I've come to find out, a lot of other people share my problem with self-hatred. And this is a huge reason why a lot of people become addicted in the first place. That being said, as time goes on, I realize how much of a problem it is for me. It puts a huge strain on my relationships and my ability to be social. It makes it very hard for me to enjoy my day. I spend a lot of time judging myself and beating myself up for things that I've done in the past. I put myself under a microscope and try very hard to be perfect. I think way too far into things and end up stressing about problems that don't even exist.
I was wondering if anyone else feels or has ever felt like this and if so what did you do to improve?

I have spent my life like this, I went to CBT last year I didnt think it had made any differance but a change of antidepressant meds and support from my GP has made things a lot better. High achievers can set themselves impossible goals and then beats themselves up when they dont get there. EH21 I dont know you or anything about you but none of us are perfect. We are on here

Are you a perfectionist, with social skill deficits or do you actually hate yourself? There may be other ways to describe what you are experiencing that may lead to ways forward.

In my experience there is always a way forward- even if we can't see it .......for now

I do not self hate...

Just here to listen, and support. :)

i went to AA and used the program outlined in the Big Book.

I've learned to forgive myself for things I had done and the way I was, while making positive changes every day I can.
Not easy at first, but slowly it has helped me gain (some) Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Eh.... I have the same issue. Though I question you as to wether you really hate yourself or are you slimply repeating things you were told through words or actions when younger. The way you learned to see yourself and now come to reinforce daily. Even despite proof that you are not a bad person to be hated in any way.

I don't think I hate myself.... I do know I tell myself nearly everyday things that I cannot yet shake. So I have learned coping skills that make it so I can get on with my day and not let them effect me as they once did.

It's called negative self talk. I wrote a post recently about mine. Here is the link.

Hope this helps and you can find peace within yourself.

Ken

Negative self talk

I found my way out of self hatred, self pity, depression, anxiety etc through the 12 steps of AA. I joined AA to stop drinking and got so much more than I bargained for. I am grateful for that.

The steps for me too...I believe they call that clearing the wreckage of your past....What blocked me from what's good.

For me it was therapy. My counselor--an LCSW--was very good and used a variety of approaches with me including CBT, "inner child" work, and even EMDR.

BTW, I don't know that it matters where the self-hate comes from. Whether it's taught or we were born that way, the problem is real.

AA has a solution, if you do the work... just attending meetings probably won't help too much unless you do the work... then they do help. The steps really truly helped me.

If that's not an option you wish to explore, OTT's suggestion is a good one, heck, it's a good one even if you do try AA.

The problem for me was the "self" in self-hatred. Get out of self.

For me, it got to the point where the only times I liked me was when I'd been drinking.
The problem was, when I sobered up, or should I say dried out? I hated myself more than ever. As to where the self hatred came from... does it really matter? It's there. I could say that I internalised a lot of stuff I heard over the years. That I wasn't good enough, that I was a horrible person. [Apparently I should have been able to spot somebody else had slipped a disc before it happened.]
I'm working on changing that now. Learning to like me, to stop hating me. Letting go of the past.

Are the feelings of self hatred related to your addiction? I had a difficult time with this myself because of the stigma, the lack of public understanding about addiction. But you can find many, many great individuals who have suffered from addiction and overcome it. I'm still not comfortable admitting out aloud to everybody about my problem, but it is what it is, and I think I've made my peace with my past as an addict as much as possible.

As I get older I seem to find general self acceptance easier. Self hatred consumes just so much personal, emotional energy... in my 30s I think I began to realize what a waste it was when I could be getting more out of life. I was also beginning to suffer health effects, not just mental and emotional but also physical, from this self damage.

It's still not easy sometimes and I have my demons which tend to come out occasionally. I find it very difficult to be alone at these times but it occurred to me just today, I seem to deal with it better now than I used to. I have a good counsellor who has helped me with a great deal of my negative thinking/behaviour, as a result of CBT therapy. I once did a self assessment from a questionnaire and was appalled to find that nearly 100% of my self thinking was negative... how can anyone expect to feel okay with that? Our thoughts also influence our behaviour, which reinforces those negative thoughts, in a continuous vicious cycle.

I had a lot of bad things happen to me as a kid, it happens to a lot of people. But as an adult now, I do have a certain amount of charge and control over my life, it is no longer that situation.

My mother is a very judgmental person who has her own issues, I realize now that she had some very unhealthy and unrealistic expectations of other people, and I assumed some of those myself. It wasn't until maybe a few years ago I realized the full consequence of this. I'm not perfect, I've stopped imposing that standard upon myself and others, but I am a responsible person for myself where I can be, and that's all I can do. I'm not responsible for other people all the time and can't please everyone else all the time.

It's not just CBT though, my spiritual beliefs I think have also helped but that's a personal area lol.

For me, living in a better way every single day helps those old times look smaller and smaller. As long as I'm making decisions every day to NOT be the person I was, I feel successful.

I had gotten way off-track in my life and I needed to find my way back. I definitely hated the person I had become, but thankfully I changed.

There are a few books that helped me a lot:

"A Course in Miracles" by Marianne Williamson
"The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav
"A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle

I agree very much with Flutter... it does fade. You end up making a new life for yourself, by living each day sober. I know the difference now, other people can also see the difference.

If you are doing the 12 steps, the middle steps work a lot with this stuff, but I strongly advise doing them with a good sponsor, I think you need support through the process.

Drinking made me hate myself. When I quit it didn't get better over night but I had faith that it would eventually. It is still improving but I have to say that now, right now, it IS better. I have finally made peace with myself. Waking up without a hangover helps.

What did it for me was the 12 steps of AA.