IWillWin

Good Morning SR! I'm fighting this battle alone, with the help of SR and my own toolbox of tricks that sometimes work and sometimes don't. But, today I'm feeling very, very frustrated. I totally understand what is happening to me - I think I could be on TV as an addiction expert at this point! So why, with all this knowledge and power and desire to win this war do I STILL find myself slipping and giving in. When I walked into the liquor store the other day I actually had a conversation with my AV and told him he won. I know this sounds crazy but I swear he laughed and said "I always do. You can only ignore me for so long..." And as this conversation is going on I was in the store, almost felt like I was sleepwalking (does this happen to anyone else?) grabbing beer and making chit chat with the clerk and paying for my poison all the while knowing it was the worst decision possible and I really didn't want to do it.
ARRRRGH! I think I just needed to get this out...and ask my fellow SR members if this experience is familiar to anyone? It is happening as I type this - AV is saying you drank this weekend so why not a few beers to take the edge off while you do the housework that HAS to get done today before the work week begins? I'm literally telling him to f*%k off and leave me alone I want to be sober today. I hope I win today...I'm sure gonna try. I wish my AV was an actual person so could punch him in his sick face when he taunts me. LOL!
Thanks to all of you for reading this ramble and ANY similar stories or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
I will win, I know it...I just wish I knew when

CraigA

It is hard to do it alone especially when you have noone to call and ask for help. The AV will lie, ovverpower you, wait patiently, what ever it takes, just like what we need to do to stay sober. What helped me in the beginning was when I wrote my thoughts down on paper sounds funny but once I got it out of my head and on papernot only did I see how sick it sounded, it lost power over me. If you just say it out loud the AV can try and fool you.
If you see that being alone or trying it alone don't jelp try an AA meeting or SMART, sober fellowship especially in the beginning is extremely helpful, Sr is also another way but ftf is important too. Hope you stay strong and keep posting!!!

Kza

Sadly I don't think it does. I cannot believe that any of us are going to wake up one day and not want to drink. If you have abused alcohol for 25 years, how can you expect to be free In any less than 25 years. Hell normal people want a drink let alone us.

IWillWin

Yes, I am starting to really, truly see it will never stop and my AV will be with me (evil little man) forever. I don't like him and certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life with him but it seems I do not have a choice.

Your replies are helping me this morning and I thank you for taking the time to offer advice and just be here for another alcoholic just trying to find her way to permanent sobriety.

CraigA

Remember we are sober just for today, another phrase that helped me is (I would say this every morning when I got up) "I won't drink TODAY if I feel like drinking tomorrow I drink tomorrow but I will not pick up TODAY". I said this every morning for about 5-6 months keeping in mind that we can only live in today, we can't live in tomorrw. So just for TODAY stay sober. Stay strong and stay connected!!!

Kza

Every day is now, no putting off till Monday or the first of January.

instant

It's the nature of addiction. I got to the stage where the part of me that had enough had wizened up, but I was running on autopilot. The AV would take over when I had been worn down.

When I was finally ready, I was exhausted and didn't care what happened, and stopped, and stayed stopped despite the AV, physical withdrawals and mental torment.

I had to learn about surrender and how to stay there.

Read the Big Book if you have not done so already

hypochondriac

You can't have an intellectual debate with your AV. It will always come out on top. You can however choose not to engage with it. I had this going on for years, debating with my AV about whether or not to drink... I never made it past day 1 for 3 years. Once I stopped fighting it became much easier. How much have you looked into AVRT IWillWin? Did you do the big plan and all that? One of the good things about that stuff is you can't actually argue with it. It's perfect if you have a tendency to want to intellectualize your addiction. If you find that's not enough for you though it may be worth looking into something else to help too like AA or SMART x

Anna

The important thing to know about your AV is that it doesn't control you. You can hear the voice, recognize it for what it is and let it go. And, that's the way that you make it lessen its grip on you. Each time you ignore it, you will become stronger and it will weaken.

freshstart57

There is no 'magic' here in this, I believe. My AV will always be with me, and I will still get a little *ping* from time to time in a particular situation, or even out of the blue. I decided a long time ago that I would recognize my AV and accept it without judgement. No fretting, no hankie twisting, no struggle to be won today only to repeat the same battle tomorrow. That is a mugs game, I believe, and one that I would eventually lose.

Once I decided that my AV could no longer 'force' me to do anything, that it really has only the power I choose to give it, things became clearer and the penny dropped. I do not have to do what it suggests - my body is under my absolute control. My AV can't make me drink any more than it can make me scratch my azzz.

I learned to be present and to be mindful. I didn't understand what these words meant until I found out about things like Urge Surfing, and that helped me a great deal.

This is your AV right here, IWillWin, this is how she starts with you. That self doubt can only come from one source. You don't have to punch or battle or struggle here, just recognize that any thought about ever drinking, ever, or any doubt in your ability or the strength of your will is not you, it is your AV.

When does it end? Our AV may always ping us from time to time, but the drinking stops when we say so. The choice, the power and the responsibility that comes with that responsibility are ours.

nonblondechef

In the January class of 2012 we have frequent roast "beast" picnics. We spear the beast and throw his a$$ on the coals and char him good! Cunning, baffling, powerful. Why does the AV pick some of us to serrenade and not others? Why not us for we are the many, the strong, the diligent recovering alcoholics. We ARE doing this sobriety thing and winning the battle, one day at a time. Keep up the great work!!

sugarbear1

I lost my obsession to drink over night. I spent over 35 years drinking/using, so it can happen. I did work the steps of AA.

Something will work for you!

MrsKing

I think the key is to not give it too much mental energy. Recognising your AV is essential, conversing with it is not. My AV is pretty much silenced now and I attribute that to not giving it any time or worth. In the beginning it wanted to chat an awful lot but instead of giving in to that I simply acknowledged what it was and almost 'stared' at it, until it disappeared. The less mental energy and effort with give to our AV, the less it pesters us. This is true of all thought processes, I've come to realise. If I have any sort of obsessive thought that creeps up on me day in and day out, the best thing to do is recognise it but not react - the brain seems less likely to reproduce things if it gets no mental reaction to it. Or that's the case for me, any way.

You are still allowing your AV to win by allowing it to have too much power over you. You are struggling with it and ultimately it will win. You are allowing it to direct you. Next time it pops up, recognise it for what it is, and do something/think something else as soon as possible.

Maybe do some reading on the subject? May help!

Wishing you all the best.

IWillWin

Wow! Thanks to each and every one of you!!! Such wisdom and support here...

I did AA but due to my work and other reasons the meeting thing didn't work out. I learned as much as I could about other tools and the AVRT stuff resonated with me but I admit I have not fully studied and practiced a plan. I've just been fighting the voice, recognizing what it is, and winning most of the time but losing some too.

From reading everything, I think I will get the BB and also do more in depth study on AVRT. Perhaps a more fully equipped toolbox will makes this a bit easier ... Actually, I know it will.

PS - I love the "roast" BBQ idea! That is such a cool visualization to help fight our unseen demons!

onlythetruth

As I understand it, the AV is basically the voice of our reptilian brain...so that voice is never going to go away completely. But I'll tell you this: the sucker gets really, really tiny and weak if it's ignored long enough, to the point where instead of being a "Beast" it's more like a dying fruit-fly.

But the key is--keep in mind I'm not really an AVRT expert, this is just how I think of it--not to argue with the AV. If you're in the liquor store having a discussion with it, it has already won. The AV must be ignored, and the more it is ignored, the weaker it gets.

SlimSlim

IWillWin:

Do you visit the "What is Recovery?" forum on this site? If not, check out this thread that has popped up again...the Beast and its true colors shining through.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html