Stigmas attached to non drinkers
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Sounds to me like either a) he has a skewed conception of what 12 step programs are (some say "a cult" - not) or b) he is uncomfortable with the kinds of qualities 12 step members develop when they embrace the program: honesty, humility, a willingness to give to others, a heightened spirituality, less fear and anger. I have "friends" who've drifted away because I'm not easily manipulated (by fear, by desire to please others) and won't join in on gripe sessions anymore.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Ziggy)))))
Whether you are an alcoholic or not I commend you for trying to cut way back or quit and find a life without alcohol, if for no other reason than keeping yourself healthy.
As to his comment .............................. I have found over these many years of sobriety (31+) that the only men who are put off by my not drinking have been those that drink to excess and somewhere in their subconscious are afraid that they do have a problem. Just my experience.
I have also found many gentlemen friends over the years that have no problem at all that I do not drink. Have had some pretty good relationships over these past years.
To answer your unspoken question, each relationship ended for a legitimate reason. Job transfer, illness (mine), death (theirs), or serious family problems in another city (parent ill or dying), and we drifted apart relationship wise, but those still living I still communicate with today (mostly long distance). No bad endings (other than the sudden fatal heart attack which threw me for a real loop for quite a while).
Yes, I have found many sober friends outside of AA. I did do and still do to some extent 'volunteer work". Where. Well, at the local animal shelter, at the local library, at various nursing homes, asking who has had no visitors for some time, and becoming the person's weekly visitor (and learning a whole bunch in doing so). At the rescue mission with other volunteers, at the Sr Citizens Centers with other volunteers.
I have found as I have gotten to know the folks and the OTHER VOLUNTEERS that there are many sober folks in this world and I have made some very dear 'friends' that are not in nor have ever been in AA. We go to lunch or dinner, to movies, to concerts of ALL kinds, to 'old' movie showings', to fairs, to different events, etc
And yes, over the years, some of those volunteers have become SO's.
There is a WHOLE SOCIAL WORLD out there that does NOT involve alcohol.
Go for it!!!!!!]
Love and hugs,
Whether you are an alcoholic or not I commend you for trying to cut way back or quit and find a life without alcohol, if for no other reason than keeping yourself healthy.
As to his comment .............................. I have found over these many years of sobriety (31+) that the only men who are put off by my not drinking have been those that drink to excess and somewhere in their subconscious are afraid that they do have a problem. Just my experience.
I have also found many gentlemen friends over the years that have no problem at all that I do not drink. Have had some pretty good relationships over these past years.
To answer your unspoken question, each relationship ended for a legitimate reason. Job transfer, illness (mine), death (theirs), or serious family problems in another city (parent ill or dying), and we drifted apart relationship wise, but those still living I still communicate with today (mostly long distance). No bad endings (other than the sudden fatal heart attack which threw me for a real loop for quite a while).Yes, I have found many sober friends outside of AA. I did do and still do to some extent 'volunteer work". Where. Well, at the local animal shelter, at the local library, at various nursing homes, asking who has had no visitors for some time, and becoming the person's weekly visitor (and learning a whole bunch in doing so). At the rescue mission with other volunteers, at the Sr Citizens Centers with other volunteers.
I have found as I have gotten to know the folks and the OTHER VOLUNTEERS that there are many sober folks in this world and I have made some very dear 'friends' that are not in nor have ever been in AA. We go to lunch or dinner, to movies, to concerts of ALL kinds, to 'old' movie showings', to fairs, to different events, etc
And yes, over the years, some of those volunteers have become SO's.
There is a WHOLE SOCIAL WORLD out there that does NOT involve alcohol.
Go for it!!!!!!]
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Why didn't you ask him about why he does not date someone that's in the 12 step program?
Three things pops in my head to which why he would not date an AAer. 1 is that he dated someone that was in AA and relapse many times and was unstable. 2 is that he goes to places that involve alcohol aka bars, clues and always keeps alcohol at his place and don't want to deal with someone that can't go to those places. 3 is that he have alcoholic parents mom or dad and got sober with AA and invoke there life around AA and he was 2nd class to him.
Three things pops in my head to which why he would not date an AAer. 1 is that he dated someone that was in AA and relapse many times and was unstable. 2 is that he goes to places that involve alcohol aka bars, clues and always keeps alcohol at his place and don't want to deal with someone that can't go to those places. 3 is that he have alcoholic parents mom or dad and got sober with AA and invoke there life around AA and he was 2nd class to him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Well I found out tonight his recent ex girlfriend was in Al-anon and had some serious emotional problems and when that relationship ended he was really hurt, so I think he is just trying to protect himself it sounds like.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Hmmmmmmmmmm I would be very very careful.
Alanon is for Friends and Family of Alcoholics. A person usually goes to Alanon for themselves, when someone they are very close to is either an alcoholic or is drinking to excess. He was her boyfriend. MIght he be the reason she went to Alanon, and now he is blaming Alanon not his drinking for her leaving???
Please there are better fish out there to fry than this one.
Be very very careful.
Love and hugs,
Alanon is for Friends and Family of Alcoholics. A person usually goes to Alanon for themselves, when someone they are very close to is either an alcoholic or is drinking to excess. He was her boyfriend. MIght he be the reason she went to Alanon, and now he is blaming Alanon not his drinking for her leaving???
Please there are better fish out there to fry than this one.
Be very very careful.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
Hmmmmmmmmmm I would be very very careful.
Alanon is for Friends and Family of Alcoholics. A person usually goes to Alanon for themselves, when someone they are very close to is either an alcoholic or is drinking to excess. He was her boyfriend. MIght he be the reason she went to Alanon, and now he is blaming Alanon not his drinking for her leaving???
Please there are better fish out there to fry than this one.
Be very very careful.
Love and hugs,
Alanon is for Friends and Family of Alcoholics. A person usually goes to Alanon for themselves, when someone they are very close to is either an alcoholic or is drinking to excess. He was her boyfriend. MIght he be the reason she went to Alanon, and now he is blaming Alanon not his drinking for her leaving???
Please there are better fish out there to fry than this one.
Be very very careful.
Love and hugs,
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