This is a joint venture
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
This is a joint venture
If maintaining abstinence is tough for one person to achieve.... Two is twice the effort.
Not true!
It's 4 times the effort!
Both our AVs and our selves makes for a complicated discussion at times.
Who are we speaking to at any given moment?
When I am learning to hear my voice I hear his as well.
So how do we address this for the coming weekend?
First of all we both need to agree we need a plan.
Seeing the end goal and agreeing on it is key I think.
The end goal is not just abstinence. That's the catalyst. There are so many other things to adjust to as we progress.
We made three plans. One for me alone.... One for him alone... And one to deal with the both of us.
They include things like:
Remove ourselves when We know our AV I trying.
Not question if someone wants to get out of the house for a while
Communicate when we are struggling but in the talk we must use only I statements.
Make plans to stay active at times we know are the worst.
Go to the beach... Take a long walk... Go to a movie... And we love going to dinner and lunch out.
I get angry when my AV is at its best. We agree to not to pick fights or be sensitive to the fact we both have emotions changing at the same time.
And we also agree to have some alone time. So we can work through issues we may have at the Moment.
There are no steps or plan or effort that can possibly be too much.
We learned to break down walls by sharing at the tough spots.
I have learned so much about myself and him through this process.
I know my strengths and weakness a lot better.
We as individuals have lost our way.
As a couple we became blind to one another's problems.
Together we compounded the issues.
Together we will persevere.
If we don't make it it will not be out of a lack of effort.
Recovery can take odd turns I am learning.
I want to be the driver if I can.
Not true!
It's 4 times the effort!
Both our AVs and our selves makes for a complicated discussion at times.
Who are we speaking to at any given moment?
When I am learning to hear my voice I hear his as well.
So how do we address this for the coming weekend?
First of all we both need to agree we need a plan.
Seeing the end goal and agreeing on it is key I think.
The end goal is not just abstinence. That's the catalyst. There are so many other things to adjust to as we progress.
We made three plans. One for me alone.... One for him alone... And one to deal with the both of us.
They include things like:
Remove ourselves when We know our AV I trying.
Not question if someone wants to get out of the house for a while
Communicate when we are struggling but in the talk we must use only I statements.
Make plans to stay active at times we know are the worst.
Go to the beach... Take a long walk... Go to a movie... And we love going to dinner and lunch out.
I get angry when my AV is at its best. We agree to not to pick fights or be sensitive to the fact we both have emotions changing at the same time.
And we also agree to have some alone time. So we can work through issues we may have at the Moment.
There are no steps or plan or effort that can possibly be too much.
We learned to break down walls by sharing at the tough spots.
I have learned so much about myself and him through this process.
I know my strengths and weakness a lot better.
We as individuals have lost our way.
As a couple we became blind to one another's problems.
Together we compounded the issues.
Together we will persevere.
If we don't make it it will not be out of a lack of effort.
Recovery can take odd turns I am learning.
I want to be the driver if I can.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Ken.
I can totally relate. Me and H are at the same point in our recovery, this weekend will be 12 weeks. Last weekend was the hardest. I had a wobble on Sunday, came very close to drinking. He was strong and got me through. Then the position was reversed at the beginning of the week.
We both got through it sober and stronger.
You can do the same.
All the very best to you both xxx
I can totally relate. Me and H are at the same point in our recovery, this weekend will be 12 weeks. Last weekend was the hardest. I had a wobble on Sunday, came very close to drinking. He was strong and got me through. Then the position was reversed at the beginning of the week.
We both got through it sober and stronger.
You can do the same.
All the very best to you both xxx
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Thanks jeni.... Yeah the weekends have been tough. The worst if is we are both weak at the same time. Need to remove ourselves or we convince each other it's ok to drink.
Not this weekend! We are ready.
Not this weekend! We are ready.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Although in some ways we are sharing similar journeys though, each is our own and not dependent upon the other.
If he relapsed tomorrow it would be a huge test to me, but I would have to dig deep, search out my friends in AA and SR and carry on.
We've all got to value our own sobriety above anything else I reckon xx
If he relapsed tomorrow it would be a huge test to me, but I would have to dig deep, search out my friends in AA and SR and carry on.
We've all got to value our own sobriety above anything else I reckon xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I have so much admiration for those of you who are quitting with partners. You are both doing fantastically and I'm sure you are providing heaps of inspiration for others in the same position. Well done! x
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Thanks Hypo!
The mood swings are tough when we both have em. Like tonight.... Ughhh... but we stopped and talked about how we were feeling. we managed it and it passed.
So now we are going to get some really good food and relax.
The mood swings are tough when we both have em. Like tonight.... Ughhh... but we stopped and talked about how we were feeling. we managed it and it passed.
So now we are going to get some really good food and relax.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Boy, that does sound complicated, Ken.
On the other hand, he wants to quit and supports your desire to quit. Can you imagine being involved with an unrepentant alcoholic?
Of course, quitting would be much simpler if you were single. Let's face it, everything's simpler when you're single. But then you'd be missing out on the benefits of all those entanglements, no?
Grass is always greener, Ken. And your AV is always first to point it out.
On the other hand, he wants to quit and supports your desire to quit. Can you imagine being involved with an unrepentant alcoholic?
Of course, quitting would be much simpler if you were single. Let's face it, everything's simpler when you're single. But then you'd be missing out on the benefits of all those entanglements, no?
Grass is always greener, Ken. And your AV is always first to point it out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Weasel1966 
Welcome Scat!!!
Keep us posted on your progress. I find the need to be on SR a lot on the weekends to keep me grounded.
Hope to see you around!
Keep us posted on your progress. I find the need to be on SR a lot on the weekends to keep me grounded.
Hope to see you around!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 56
just chillin with good gooey comfort food and each with our laptops. Me on SR and he on a game. we both need our time to get thru this. its been a very long time since a sober weekend. can't wait to wake up and be happy that i remember the night!
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Natalie
I could not agree more!!,!
Sober Saturday morning. Up and head in to the stores for errands.
Satisfied in my choices last night and morning right in this moment.
Continuing to make the choices every hour on weekends.... More if needed.
I don't drink.
Ken
I could not agree more!!,!
Sober Saturday morning. Up and head in to the stores for errands.
Satisfied in my choices last night and morning right in this moment.
Continuing to make the choices every hour on weekends.... More if needed.
I don't drink.
Ken
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Originally Posted by Weasel1966
I don't drink.
Ken
Ken
It's a simple decision, everything else can be complicated . I always try to get the simple things decided before i even get out of bed .
Have a great day, M
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Saturday afternoon here in England. The hottest day of the year so far. We are sober, planning a BBQ with our kids and their partners. And everything is great.
Nothing a drink couldn't completely ruin!
We don't drink. We choose to have lovely summer family days, and remember them.
Have a great day Ken x
Nothing a drink couldn't completely ruin!
We don't drink. We choose to have lovely summer family days, and remember them.
Have a great day Ken x
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 56
After a steak and shrimp dinner we made it thru!!! I know the meals are expensive but I figure we have saved quite a bit just in 5 days! Although, H said if I had walked in the liqour store he would have bought a bottle! Well he had time to think it thru. Our son is out for a concert and we have to be awake for him when he comes home. Yay sober Sunday here we come.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Comfort food,laptops, and reading on SR-good end of day routine.
Ken, I think you made some really good guidelines for kicking this with someone else. I'm sure there are adjustments for both of you every step of the way and it's got to be tricky when you progress at different rates, or weaken at different times. Add in 2 AVs and it's a massive challenge. It sounds like you have good communication which will probably save the day more than once!
Ken, I think you made some really good guidelines for kicking this with someone else. I'm sure there are adjustments for both of you every step of the way and it's got to be tricky when you progress at different rates, or weaken at different times. Add in 2 AVs and it's a massive challenge. It sounds like you have good communication which will probably save the day more than once!
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