Judyw

I am just discovering my son has been using heroin (among many other drugs) It would take me 3 pages to write a full history of our life and how we got here.. I will instead write a brief summary and elaborate as needed. I just don't have the energy right now..have been up for the last 3 nights unable to sleep.
He is 20 years old, has been smoking pot since he was around 13 (according to him) Our life has been volatile to say theleast. I am happily married to his father for 22 years and we have 4 boys all together, this one being the oldest.
I have wondered over the years if he had some type of borderline personality disorder..we/he have done some counseling but it never seemed to help much.
His friend told us 3 days ago (after a huge blow up at home at which point the cops had to be called..not the first time) that he has been using heroin for 4 years.. the length of time is debatable...I am hearing conflicting times. But that doesn't matter..if he is using he is using..period.
He says he has been clean for over a week...he doesn't "need" to use..although he was taking someones prescription suboxon (sic?) and went through my husbands entire bottle of kolonopin (stole it) but he said he did that because he was bored..
He denies "needing" the heroin..he just wants to come home (we asked hinm to leave the night we found out)
I am soooo confused/tired/worried. His behavior has been so erratic for so many years..I don't even know who he really is anymore. There would be brief glimpses of a happy person now and then but he has been a very unhappy young man for many years.
I am going to attend a nar-anon meeting tonight along with my husband.
Okay, that's a short history.. I guess my number one question is this ...is it possible to be a "casual" heroin user and not be addicted (he snorts it by the way) or is there no such thing. Is it possible he quit and is "fine"..(I highly doubt it but am looking for confirmation)
I don't know where to turn...he refuses help/rehab/detox, but is willing to meet with my brother-in-law, a recovering alcoholic. He said he will talk to him tonight, but I am not sure if he will follow through.
Thank you all in advance for listening to my story and for any advice you have...I am in utter despair right now...

Judyw

Wanted to add...I was told by my sons friend that my son is also talking to an online sponsor (perhaps in a public forum such as this?) and in a chat room..To me that shows he is reaching out for help (help he denies he needs) which is a good thing. But ultimately we would like to get him into detox and a rehab facility.

SeekingGrowth

Hi, Judy. Welcome to SR, although I'm sorry for what brought you here. I was the mother of a heroin addict who died at the age of 19. I currently work with addicts and their families on a volunteer basis at a local rehab facility. Others who have wrestled with addiction themselves will be along to reply to your post shortly, but in my experience a person doesn't use heroin "casually" for four years. Also, snorting it - as opposed to shooting it - does not make it any less addictive. Interestingly, that seems to be the belief of many young people, and my AS told me for a long time (once the cat was out of the bag re. his heroin use) that he was "just" snorting it because he thought that made it sound less scary to me. He told me that he would "never" shoot it because he was afraid of needles, and he would never get so obsessed with it that he would engage in bad behavior like stealing. He ended up doing both of those things and, in his own words, became his own "worst nightmare."

It sounds like your son is in active addiction, a conclusion that is bolstered by his theft and use of your husband's klonopin. You might want to take inventory of your valuables and hide them away; before the roller coaster ride with my son was over, I discovered that he had stolen a substantial amount of jewelry from me to support his habit, something I would NEVER have imagined he would do.

I suggest that you post to the SR Friends & Family of Substance Abusers forum as well as this one. There is some very valuable information in the stickies on that forum, and a lot of very responsive people with tons of knowledge and experience.

My son's experience with Suboxone - he was prescribed it through an outpatient rehab program, then was kicked out of the program for testing positive for heroin anyway. He would use it to stave off withdrawals when he didn't have heroin, and would deliberately not use on other days so that he could use heroin. Very dangerous approach, but not uncommon, I understand.

Your son won't get clean unless HE wants it. You can't force, bribe, negotiate, threaten, or love him into recovery. There is nothing you can do to control his use; it's all on him, and from your post, it sounds as though he is in denial and at least at the moment, doesn't want recovery. The only thing you can control is what YOU are willing to live with. You get to decide whether you are willing to have an active addict living in your home or not. I lived with it for a couple years, trying to do all the things that I just said won't work, trying to control the situation, to make him want and pursue recovery. It didn't work, of course, and I made myself crazy during that time.

Judyw

Thank you for your reply. It does help knowing that there are moms and dads out there going through the same thing. There is so much more to his story but from what I have been reading on here sadly all our kids stories sound eerily similar.
I am also starting to feel that his future is bleak at best if he doesn't get some professional help. We are even debating on hiring an interventionist at this point, but again...so unsure how to proceed.

SeekingGrowth

Oops. Just saw your second post. So maybe your son is contemplating recovery. Also in my experience, addicts are often terrified of the prospect of rehab because it means a whole bunch of negative things - admitting that you have a serious problem, admitting that you need help, the embarrassment and blow to his pride of getting treatment, not wanting his friends and family to know, the fear of letting go of drugs and trying to live drug-free. Also, many addicts have a misconception of what rehab is all about. My AS thought that they would just throw him in a room and lock the door while he went through cold turkey withdrawal - which is not AT ALL what they do. If he is ready and wants recovery, rehab is a great way to go - there is a lot of opportunity for personal growth, introspection, and forming strong bonds with people who are struggling in the same way you are - in addition to getting clean with medical supervision and learning techniques for staying clean and avoiding relapse. It's not a magic bullet - the hard part is staying clean once you get out - but it's a good way to jump start recovery.