Recovery for family members??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Belfast N.Ireland
Posts: 2
Recovery for family members??
My boyfriend has today reached 6 months off drugs. He spent nearly 10 years on cannabis. He attends the AA (rather than NA as he has family members in AA and a stronger network there).
AA has really helped him to stay off the drugs, and he is on step 9 of his recovery. I am grateful that he is away from that stuff, but I would like to know if any other members here have had the impossible situation where the addict's emotional behaviour doesn't improve? We have spent 4 out of the 6 clean months blissfully happy. Everything was great. However all of a sudden at the start of July everything collapsed. One little argument led to him calling everything off and saying he's never cared about me or loved me anyway. I got this all the time during addiction (we've been together 2 years), but always got the sob story and apologies after.
I have spoken to his family for help, and have been told by ex-addicts in his family that part of recovery is learning to deal with problems. During addiction an addict will bury their head in the sand and refuse to deal with problems. When they come to face a problem in recovery they don't know how to manage it. They let everything build up and everything becomes all consuming. What seems like a little issue to us seems like a mountain to them.
So to cut my yabbering short, we have spent 6 weeks to-ing and fro-ing. We had got back on track recently, had a trip away together, and were working things out. I have since found out he went out with a girl twice in July and hid all of my belongings in our home so she would think he was single. When I confronted him he went straight back to saying he doesn't care about me and he wants rid of me. Does he really mean it? Or is he putting up a wall of defence because his weaknesses have been exposed and he doesn't know how to deal with it? I am willing to forgive and move on as neither of us have been angels in the past, and the girl herself told me they only had one kiss.
How can someone be planning a future and looking at mortgages one day, then by the next day be telling you how you never had any future together and it was all just to 'keep me happy'. Is this part of recovery? How do I help? Or do I just walk away? (which would break my heart)
I am going to my first Al Anon meeting in an hour..
AA has really helped him to stay off the drugs, and he is on step 9 of his recovery. I am grateful that he is away from that stuff, but I would like to know if any other members here have had the impossible situation where the addict's emotional behaviour doesn't improve? We have spent 4 out of the 6 clean months blissfully happy. Everything was great. However all of a sudden at the start of July everything collapsed. One little argument led to him calling everything off and saying he's never cared about me or loved me anyway. I got this all the time during addiction (we've been together 2 years), but always got the sob story and apologies after.
I have spoken to his family for help, and have been told by ex-addicts in his family that part of recovery is learning to deal with problems. During addiction an addict will bury their head in the sand and refuse to deal with problems. When they come to face a problem in recovery they don't know how to manage it. They let everything build up and everything becomes all consuming. What seems like a little issue to us seems like a mountain to them.
So to cut my yabbering short, we have spent 6 weeks to-ing and fro-ing. We had got back on track recently, had a trip away together, and were working things out. I have since found out he went out with a girl twice in July and hid all of my belongings in our home so she would think he was single. When I confronted him he went straight back to saying he doesn't care about me and he wants rid of me. Does he really mean it? Or is he putting up a wall of defence because his weaknesses have been exposed and he doesn't know how to deal with it? I am willing to forgive and move on as neither of us have been angels in the past, and the girl herself told me they only had one kiss.
How can someone be planning a future and looking at mortgages one day, then by the next day be telling you how you never had any future together and it was all just to 'keep me happy'. Is this part of recovery? How do I help? Or do I just walk away? (which would break my heart)
I am going to my first Al Anon meeting in an hour..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi Star
welcome to SR
I think going to AlAnon is a brilliant idea It really healps to have people who've been in similar situations to talk to.
I'd also encourage you to visit our Family and Friends forums here
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
Only you can really decide what you want and don't want in your life.
I hope both the things I mentioned will ultimately help you make some decisions about what you want, what your boundaries should be, and what you deserve and don't deserve from a relationship
D
welcome to SR
I think going to AlAnon is a brilliant idea
It really healps to have people who've been in similar situations to talk to.I'd also encourage you to visit our Family and Friends forums here
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
Only you can really decide what you want and don't want in your life.
I hope both the things I mentioned will ultimately help you make some decisions about what you want, what your boundaries should be, and what you deserve and don't deserve from a relationship
D
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Star......I hope you keep this thread going or, at least, shoot me a private message after you get back from that meeting. I sooooooo want to "tell you the answer" but it's truly best if you discover it for yourself......if it just unfolds in front of you.
For what it's worth.....I thought I was pretty stable my first year of recovery. No drinking, no arrests, no hangovers, none of the drinking related BS I'd gotten so accustomed to living with.
If you were to ask the girl I was dating at the time though (we'd been together for a bout a year before I got sober too) she'd tell you a compleeeeeeeeeeeeeeetely different story about how stable/sound/grounded I was. LOL. According to her.....I was worse than I was when I was drinking. Frankly, I'd trust her assessment over mine.
Your boyfriend is learning (hopefully) a completely new way of living......getting an entirely different outlook on life.....what he thinks, how he thinks, what's ok and not ok......ALL of that is going to be changing. The AA book uses the term "reborn." - Not in a "born again Christian" sort of way......but in a "we become a completely different person...starting from ground zero all over again" only now we're not infants in age.........but we're like infants in terms of this new lifestyle. It takes some getting used to, that's for sure.
Just like there are a LOT of similarities among addicts.....there are many similarities among those who love/live with addicts. When it gets right down to it.....addict, alanon, or "normie".....we all have a lot of similarities that we don't recognize because we're all presenting them somewhat differently.
A good strong Alanon meeting will be a big eye-opener for you........and it WILL make you a better/stronger person - guaranteed. The kicker for you is just the same as the kicker for him -- you have to be willing to do the work (ie, work the steps). Most of THE strongest and healthiest relationships I know of are two addicts in recovery or one addict/one alanon both in recovery.
For what it's worth.....I thought I was pretty stable my first year of recovery. No drinking, no arrests, no hangovers, none of the drinking related BS I'd gotten so accustomed to living with.
If you were to ask the girl I was dating at the time though (we'd been together for a bout a year before I got sober too) she'd tell you a compleeeeeeeeeeeeeeetely different story about how stable/sound/grounded I was. LOL. According to her.....I was worse than I was when I was drinking. Frankly, I'd trust her assessment over mine.
Your boyfriend is learning (hopefully) a completely new way of living......getting an entirely different outlook on life.....what he thinks, how he thinks, what's ok and not ok......ALL of that is going to be changing. The AA book uses the term "reborn." - Not in a "born again Christian" sort of way......but in a "we become a completely different person...starting from ground zero all over again" only now we're not infants in age.........but we're like infants in terms of this new lifestyle. It takes some getting used to, that's for sure.
Just like there are a LOT of similarities among addicts.....there are many similarities among those who love/live with addicts. When it gets right down to it.....addict, alanon, or "normie".....we all have a lot of similarities that we don't recognize because we're all presenting them somewhat differently.
A good strong Alanon meeting will be a big eye-opener for you........and it WILL make you a better/stronger person - guaranteed. The kicker for you is just the same as the kicker for him -- you have to be willing to do the work (ie, work the steps). Most of THE strongest and healthiest relationships I know of are two addicts in recovery or one addict/one alanon both in recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Belfast N.Ireland
Posts: 2
Hi DayTrader
Thanks so much for your reply. I did attempt to PM you but it says I can't PM people until I have 5 posts under my belt!
I went to the meeting yesterday and it was an eye opener. Although my partner's addiction was drug-based, a lot of the problems were identical to the family members of alcoholics. I spent an hour with a lady afterwards who told me I was making the exact same mistakes as she did with her alcoholic ex husband, and she ended up alone.
I went home determined to show that I could recognise any wrong doing I was doing and that I could change and listen to the Al Anon teachings. But his mindset remains the same - that I am the cause of all problems and the sooner I get out the better.
I can't understand how people can have such extreme changes in the space of a day - from booking a holiday together on Monday morning to being told it was all over and our relationship is nothing by Monday night. He himself has told me that when he is in a difficult place he over-thinks things and problems become much bigger than they ever actually were to begin with. But he has talked himself around and around so much that he is convinced we have no future. He can't acknowledge the lovely holiday we had last week, because apparently AA teaches you to live in the day. So a bad day spirals out of control and results in the end of a relationship?
We had difficulties in July and we got past them, had a lovely time last week and were really back on track. The argument on Monday has wiped all of that from his memory. And as it stands he is convinced I am simply a desperate hanger-on. We've had the same ups and downs for 2 years and got through them - how can I show him we can do it again?
Thanks so much for your reply. I did attempt to PM you but it says I can't PM people until I have 5 posts under my belt!
I went to the meeting yesterday and it was an eye opener. Although my partner's addiction was drug-based, a lot of the problems were identical to the family members of alcoholics. I spent an hour with a lady afterwards who told me I was making the exact same mistakes as she did with her alcoholic ex husband, and she ended up alone.
I went home determined to show that I could recognise any wrong doing I was doing and that I could change and listen to the Al Anon teachings. But his mindset remains the same - that I am the cause of all problems and the sooner I get out the better.
I can't understand how people can have such extreme changes in the space of a day - from booking a holiday together on Monday morning to being told it was all over and our relationship is nothing by Monday night. He himself has told me that when he is in a difficult place he over-thinks things and problems become much bigger than they ever actually were to begin with. But he has talked himself around and around so much that he is convinced we have no future. He can't acknowledge the lovely holiday we had last week, because apparently AA teaches you to live in the day. So a bad day spirals out of control and results in the end of a relationship?
We had difficulties in July and we got past them, had a lovely time last week and were really back on track. The argument on Monday has wiped all of that from his memory. And as it stands he is convinced I am simply a desperate hanger-on. We've had the same ups and downs for 2 years and got through them - how can I show him we can do it again?
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
star1987,
I think most newly abstinent folks find themselves on an emotional rollercoaster. Most of us had no coping skills whatsoever other than to use our DOC, so without the DOC we have basically NO coping skills. We can tend to be very black and white and to look for a set of rules that work in all situations, which is okay when the rule is "don't drink" but not so great most other times. That's how someone can decide that rule like "live in the moment" means "ignore your history and make no plans for the future".
This sort of thing can be very frustrating and confusing to live with, and in fact my heart really goes out to you because it sounds like your guy has quite a severe case of what amounts to emotional infancy. The only thing I can tell you is that with time, most of us do manage to settle down and handle things in a more balanced and mature fashion.
In the meantime, I suspect your Al-Anon friends will be teaching you about this thing called "detachment". While I'm not a 12 step person, I've found the idea of detachment to be a good one, particularly the concept of not getting tripped up on someone else's drama. So, difficult though it may be, possibly the best way forward here is not to try to convince him of anything! Simply let things play out. Step back. Protect yourself by not making any permanent decisions (mortgages, marriage) until he is behaving appropriately and consistently.
I think most newly abstinent folks find themselves on an emotional rollercoaster. Most of us had no coping skills whatsoever other than to use our DOC, so without the DOC we have basically NO coping skills. We can tend to be very black and white and to look for a set of rules that work in all situations, which is okay when the rule is "don't drink" but not so great most other times. That's how someone can decide that rule like "live in the moment" means "ignore your history and make no plans for the future".
This sort of thing can be very frustrating and confusing to live with, and in fact my heart really goes out to you because it sounds like your guy has quite a severe case of what amounts to emotional infancy. The only thing I can tell you is that with time, most of us do manage to settle down and handle things in a more balanced and mature fashion.
In the meantime, I suspect your Al-Anon friends will be teaching you about this thing called "detachment". While I'm not a 12 step person, I've found the idea of detachment to be a good one, particularly the concept of not getting tripped up on someone else's drama. So, difficult though it may be, possibly the best way forward here is not to try to convince him of anything! Simply let things play out. Step back. Protect yourself by not making any permanent decisions (mortgages, marriage) until he is behaving appropriately and consistently.
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