'She' needs advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 75
'She' needs advice
I have told some of my story but not all of it. This seems like the best place to lay this problem and receive some advice. Let me start by saying that I know that only I can make this decision but I appreciate the opportunity to weigh advice from the kind people on this site.
The father of my children and I divorced several years ago. In that time I rekindled an old flame. He lived thousands of miles away at the time but relocated to be with me. Things moved quickly and we got married last year. He was a drinker and a pot smoker at the time. Fine by me as it didn't interfer with my drinking. Things were beautiful at first. Then he grew distant. Then there was that night. He had been drinking vodka all afternoon. I had some beers. Things turned violent. Very, very violent. Police involved, property destroyed, bruises, etc.... Never been through anything like that in my life. He left town (long story as to how he avoided being arrested). Hasn't been back since but has been sober since shortly after that night (almost a year ago).
We have had some contact as I work on my sobriety. He is genuinely horrified by his actions. Let me say now that the kids were at their father's and witnessed no violence ever (thank the lord). I can't help wondering if things could be repaired between us. At the same time I can't imagine ever accepting what happened that night.
I know that I am touching on a heavy subject. I put it all out in a post here because I know that alcohol plays a huge role in domestic violence and I am assuming that more than a few people on here have some experience with it. It makes my heart sick to know that's true.
Any words of wisdom or experience that anyone can offer will be helpful to me. I should also mention that the incident was the one and only time he has ever done ANYTHING like that. That's not an excuse by any means. Just wanted to make clear that it wasn't a pattern (yet?) in our relationship.
Thank you for reading this.
The father of my children and I divorced several years ago. In that time I rekindled an old flame. He lived thousands of miles away at the time but relocated to be with me. Things moved quickly and we got married last year. He was a drinker and a pot smoker at the time. Fine by me as it didn't interfer with my drinking. Things were beautiful at first. Then he grew distant. Then there was that night. He had been drinking vodka all afternoon. I had some beers. Things turned violent. Very, very violent. Police involved, property destroyed, bruises, etc.... Never been through anything like that in my life. He left town (long story as to how he avoided being arrested). Hasn't been back since but has been sober since shortly after that night (almost a year ago).
We have had some contact as I work on my sobriety. He is genuinely horrified by his actions. Let me say now that the kids were at their father's and witnessed no violence ever (thank the lord). I can't help wondering if things could be repaired between us. At the same time I can't imagine ever accepting what happened that night.
I know that I am touching on a heavy subject. I put it all out in a post here because I know that alcohol plays a huge role in domestic violence and I am assuming that more than a few people on here have some experience with it. It makes my heart sick to know that's true.
Any words of wisdom or experience that anyone can offer will be helpful to me. I should also mention that the incident was the one and only time he has ever done ANYTHING like that. That's not an excuse by any means. Just wanted to make clear that it wasn't a pattern (yet?) in our relationship.
Thank you for reading this.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
What an ugly memory for you. Can you forget it? Can you forgive it? Thankfully your children were not there.....what if they were...if there was a next time? Has he received counseling?
Honestly, I'm not objective, as I left a 21 year long abusive marriage and wish I'd done so sooner. You've showed such courage to post and ask the question. I think you might already know the answer.
Honestly, I'm not objective, as I left a 21 year long abusive marriage and wish I'd done so sooner. You've showed such courage to post and ask the question. I think you might already know the answer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by Pondlady 
What an ugly memory for you. Can you forget it? Can you forgive it? Thankfully your children were not there.....what if they were...if there was a next time? Has he received counseling?
Honestly, I'm not objective, as I left a 21 year long abusive marriage and wish I'd done so sooner. You've showed such courage to post and ask the question. I think you might already know the answer.
Honestly, I'm not objective, as I left a 21 year long abusive marriage and wish I'd done so sooner. You've showed such courage to post and ask the question. I think you might already know the answer.
He has received quite a bit of counseling but I think your question of whether I can forgive/forget is more important. I can forgive. I am a forgiving person. I don't think I can forget. If it was just me that would be one thing but the children..... I think I do know the answer. Just trying to circle my wagons and make a final decision to cut ties and move forward with the divorce.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 282
I think while kids are in your house it's not worth the risk. Someone said on here once that violence and alcoholism are 2 separate issues. There are a million drunks out there who've never layed a hand on anyone. If any man Touched me like that I just couldn't love him anymore....no way! All the best hon.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I think there's some brilliant advice here SW 
Personally, from my experience as someone who was in a violent relationship many years back, I believe that although the two may be found together, violence is a separate issue to alcoholism...& the latter never mitigates the former.
I hope you can find both clarity and peace in this matter
D
Personally, from my experience as someone who was in a violent relationship many years back, I believe that although the two may be found together, violence is a separate issue to alcoholism...& the latter never mitigates the former.
I hope you can find both clarity and peace in this matter
D
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
While I was drinking I was the one who became abusive toward my husband... lucky for me he is a strong man and I never hurt him other then all the emotional damage I did. I would wake up the next morning and not remember anything... and he would wake up the next morning and have all the memories of what happened.. while I had none.
I have been sober for 9 months now. Our marriage has never been better but, my husband has had to go on his own recovery path. I have had to work on myself and learn to forgive myself. Forgiving myself and allowing our marriage a chance is something that I am enternally grateful for. Now I know if I put anything before my soberity I will lose it. I am just grateful for today and yesterday I get to go to bed sober.
I have been sober for 9 months now. Our marriage has never been better but, my husband has had to go on his own recovery path. I have had to work on myself and learn to forgive myself. Forgiving myself and allowing our marriage a chance is something that I am enternally grateful for. Now I know if I put anything before my soberity I will lose it. I am just grateful for today and yesterday I get to go to bed sober.
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