wreckingball

This is very weird for me to be posting to a group of internet strangers about my issues, but I feel the need to share with people who might understand.

A bit about myself.. I'm 23 years old and have been drinking since about 16. I have struggled with depression and social anxiety since adolescence and have self-medicated with drugs and booze since high school. I am usually a very quiet, mild-mannered person but when I drink I turn into a different person - loud, chatty, risk-taking, sexual, stupid.. I don't necessarily drink every day, but once I start drinking I cannot stop and when I get nice and drunk I never know where I'm going to wake up, or who I'm going to wake up with.. I got a DUI when I was 17 and was forced into substance abused counseling but thought it was all a huge joke and wasn't ready to change any of my habits.

After last night I've decided to consider sobriety. I went to watch a friend's band and started drinking around 5pm with friends. I didn't want to get too drunk because it was a Sunday night so my friend and I just bought a small bottle of rum to share. I killed the bottle, got a good buzz, and (like always) could not stop drinking. I then started chugging from an acquaintance's handle of rum and ended up at a bar to see another band. I proceeded to get several more drinks at the bar, acted like an idiot, and had to get a friend to help me write the tip on the bar receipt because I was too drunk to do it myself. This morning I woke up naked on my friend's sailboat. My friend is more than twice my age and I have no romantic interest in him at all, but I ended up sleeping with him last night because I was hammered and I don't consider any consequences when I'm drunk. I'm also covered in mysterious bruises, scratches, and cigarette burns. I wish this was a rare occurrence but this has been happening regularly since I was 17. My roommate has said that I look like a "wounded veteran" after a night of drinking - I always laughed at this and took it as a sign of a good night but I'm not laughing today.

I stopped doing drugs (cocaine, meth, hallucinogens, etc.) several years ago but have never seriously considered quitting alcohol until now.. the thought is terrifying but I think I might finally be at a point to help myself. I'm sick of blacking out. I'm sick of waking up filled with regrets, depressed, and sick. I'm sick of being nervous to walk down the street in my small town because I don't know what I said to who the night before. I'm sick of hearing "wow. you were pretty drunk last night." from random people. I'm sick of putting myself and other people at risk because of the actions I take after I've started drinking. I'm sick of "just a few drinks" turning into a night like the one I described above.

I've turned most of the horrible things that have happened to me while I was drunk into great stories. I've learned to romanticize my problem and distance myself from it. I sometimes think it's okay to act like I do.. I'm young, just having fun, blahblahblah. But I realize that I do not drink like my friends do. I do not have a couple of drinks to loosen up and have a good time. I have a few drinks, have a good time, then continue to drink ferociously until I can no longer keep my eyes open. 99% of the time I wake up non-functional and filled with regret. I am realizing that this is not how most of the people around me drink and that yes... I have a problem..

I have made huge positive changes in my life over the years - improved my depression and anxiety, lost and kept off 50 pounds, stopped doing drugs, got myself through high school, got my BA in biology. Now I'm a 23 year old female starting my own business and traveling to third world countries to do humanitarian work. I'm living in a place I love, doing work that I love, with people who I love. I'm doing pretty freakin' good for myself.. except for drinking myself into a hole on a weekly basis. This may be the most difficult problem I have ever dealt with but I think I'm ready to change. Thanks for reading.

serious

sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you.
the reality is that if you keep drinking, alcohol will ruin it all for you... it's not going to get better, unless you stop and quit for good.
if you are undecided you should at least try to remain two months sober. see how things become different. personally, i don't think it's wise to try and learn to moderate (or use other "tricks"). i don't think you'd be here, unless you really wanted to get sober.

come up with some plan to stay sober (lots of great advice here), stay on SR and read and post as much as possible, and enjoy the ride.

Pigtails

I can really relate to you. I too have anxiety and am very shy and feel awkward but when I start drinking I feel like a different, "better" person, down for anything, even though it has risks and consequences.

I stopped drinking for over 7 months rather recently, and one of the best things about it was not having to worry about what I did or said. I am trying to get to know and love myself sober, without needing/wanting alcohol to change my personality. I must admit that is not easy. It is a lot easier to escape into the bottle. But, as they say, the easiest way is rarely the best.

I wish you the best and I can tell you that you are worth it. I have returned to sobriety and have only 5 days this time so far but I am remembering that I am worth it too.

hypochondriac

Do it. It's ace

In all seriousness though, I vaguely considered sobriety at your age and never did it. I wish I had. I managed to get my drinking under enough control to avoid immediate consequences most of the time but then there was all those pesky long term ones!

I hope you give it a go x

FredG

I started at 10 and quit at 25 - In between I did a lot of nasty stuff. Like you - sober, I was extremely introverted, and to be honest, that's why I started drinking, because after a couple I was anything I wanted to be ( or at least in my own mind I was )

You have accomplished much more than I did. Consider this an incentive - If you haven't lost absolutely everything that you value in your life - keep drinking - you will - Guaranteed !

Anna

I hope you do make the decision to stop drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop. It sounds like you're ready.

MrsKing

Hello wreckingball and welcome to SR. You're in the right place if support and understanding is what you're after

I'm 24 and four months ago was exactly like you. I didn't know when to stop... I would plan on only having a few and end up drinking until I passed out. I changed totally when I was drunk and in the morning I remembered all the things I did and thought that I didn't even know who that person was. The shame, embarrassment and guilt were overwhelming... I felt like everyone was watching me fall apart. But I'm sober now and I'm loving it. You sound like you do some wonderful things... that you're very proactive and energetic in life. Use some of that energy and determination and put it into getting sober, if that's what your plan is. You're 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't want to be looking back at this moment in 10, 20 years time thinking "oh, how I wish I'd have quit then," because of all the things that have happened due to alcohol since.

You can be sober. All you need is determination and will power. Just don't pick up that drink.

FCErikaMc

Wreckingball - I can totally relate. The way that I was when I was drinking sounds like the night you described above. But the fact that you're here shows that you recognize that this behavior is destructive and that you want to change it. I wish I would have decided on a life change at 23 instead of now when I am 28. You can get sober. Life can still be fun. You've got a huge support system here.

CaiHong

Wreckingball
That was a great post, such an articulate description of an alcoholic. I could certainly identify with the drinking patterns.
It is wonderful that you recognize the problem at 23 years old. At 58 I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had realized earlier on that drinking was the root cause of my anxiety and depression.
I use AA and SR to stay sober, sobriety is my main focus everything falls into second place, that being said I living a pretty interesting life, I am currently renovating a small restaurant on the river in Vietnam. I am telling you this to illustrate that when I was drinking I would have fantasized about this and other adventures but would never have got around to doing it, I would have been hungover anxious and depressed.
I am having the time of my life, meeting great people, having and remembering great conversations, learning more about myself. This is the most important thing I have ever done. I like and respect me sober, I really don't like the other person I become when drinking.
I sincerely hope you find your way to sobriety, you sound great.
Love
CaiHong

DarkDays

Wish I had the foresight to have stopped at 23 , instead I wasted 20 more years yep 20 more years of hangovers and BS.

Good luck to you I really hope you can do this.

awuh1

There is quite a gap between

and

Only one of them can be true.

If you stop lying to yourself about this, forever and from this time forward…..your chances are good.

I suggest that you work a proven program or method like your life depends on it, because it just might.

2granddaughters

Hello wreckingball:
You told my story from about 1965.

I suggest you Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous". See if you can identify.

All the best to you kid !

Bob R

wreckingball

Thanks everybody. Its really great reading all of your replies- I was nervous about being so open but hearing back from supportive people who can relate is awesome. I've spent the entire day in bed, not working, and feeling nauseous and ashamed because of my actions last night. I'm really hoping there won't be many more days like this in my future.

Live2Run25

You and I have the same story. I got sick of it. So I changed it. I am 72 day sober. You sounds like a smart girl, quit drinking and do something with your life.

least

Welcome to the family! You're smart to give it up at your age before you waste the best years of your life. I'm over two years sober now and happier than I've been in a long time. You can do this.

Dee74

welcome to SR wreckingball
recovery was a big step for me, but I've never regretted it...I lived again

D

AllArise

Our stories DO sound similar. Scary similar.
I wish with all I had that I could be like one of my friends - have a few drinks, have a good time, let loose, and wake up clothed with 100% of my memory from the night before.

Hevyn

Like DarkDays, I went on for many more years trying to manage my drinking - just so I wouldn't have to give it up entirely. At 23 I already knew in my heart I had no control, but refused to acknowledge it. Thankfully, you're taking control of this now - before you destroy your health, your business, your sanity. Congratulations for that! Please keep posting and reading. Alcohol will suck the life out of you. Don't let it.

mm222

That all sounds very familiar! I, too, knew I had a problem at 23-really, even before then. I didn't stop drinking until I was 32, and I really regret that. A lot of time wasted. I so wish I had listened to myself and trusted myself years ago-could've saved myself a lot of nastiness.

Good luck to you-stay strong and true to yourself. Sounds like you have so much going for you.

xx

kittycat3

Yep, same here, same story. I totally recall the feeling that I'd get when hearing those same dreaded words...."do you know how drunk you were last night?!" No regard for consequences. And the same as you, not a daily drinker, just lost control when I did.

I'm 35 now and after 6+ years of sobriety I thought I'd test the waters of drinking again. Guess what? I still act like that same idiot that I did when I was 25. And I no longer have that excuse of being young and foolish. I agree with you, at 23 you are toeing that line...

Good on you for posting here and recognizing you need help. Please do yourself a favor and follow through with quitting! You will not regret it and will save yourself much heartache. Love to you.