fgo

Hi everyone jut wondering what I should do?
I am 20 days sober today and I am beside myself with guilt about losing my girlfriend of almost 2 years to my drinking.. She has lost all trust in me and from what i have been reading on sr it is very common. I now she loves the sober me, its the drunk me that she hates... so do I. Long story short I fou nd avrt and it has been my savior, I know I will never drink again. It really was a freeing experience. The problem is I have said it before and without thinking i was back to drinking and hiding it. She wont talk to me on the phone so the only form of communication is text. Ill take any advice or experience tha I can get. If I were ever going to drink again it is now, but i will never drink again no matter how much the beast wants to. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what drinking has done in my life, but it is tearing me apart......

Dee74

Hi finallygotout - welcome

I think many of us have lost relationships over our drinking...I did that twice.
I sobered up too late to undo the damage, but others are luckier.

Really, I think the best thing you can do is work on your recovery...if you and your gf are meant to be, you will be...

You can't set a timetable for someone else tho - if your gf is hurting over past actions you have to wear that.

She may forgive you and trust you again, or she may not.

I'm batting 1 for 2 on that score...one partner is still in my life the other is not...but we've all moved on and are happy

You being sober will help you be in the best place to deal with whatever ultimately happens

D

Shaymer

I'm in the middle of that right now my friend. Married for 3. Receiving texts as I type. I've got no advice.

fgo

Thanks dee.
as hard as it is I know you are right. I just wish threre was something i could do or say to make it right.

Someguy23

I've definitely been there, my last girl dumped me because I was always getting drunk when we went out.

Experience has taught me the only way to get a girl back is for her to come back, but I've never been with anyone for 2 years (not even close), so maybe different rules apply...

In any case, I sympathize.

Anna

I can understand how frustrated you're feeling right now and I'm sorry for your situation. Dee is exactly right with his comments. All you can do is work on yourself and see what happens. I had to learn patience in early recovery and it was so very hard, but you need to be patient right now.

quitforme79

Sorry to hear you are going thru this. I'm early in so I don't have advice as I have gone thru this too and it just sucks. But like Dee and Anna said all you can do now is focus on yourself and keep staying strong. I like to think that what's meant to be will...

fgo

Reason number 25,287,432.. to never drink again.. thanks everyone. Shaymer my heart goes out to you. Stay close to sr amazing people here.

sissy07

Yeah, yours is a familiar story, but that doesn't make it any less painful for you, I know. I agree with every one else - focus on your recovery. If she is still communicating with you there is hope...but it will take time. Best wishes to you.

Shaymer

Hey Finally- laying on the couch, hoping my wife sends me a good-night text...nothing! My text notification is a ringing bell, which made me think of the expression, "you can't un-ring a bell"
Good luck.

fgo

Shamer.. Where is the rewind button when you need one. i do know one thing, nothing bad that happens in my life will ever have to do with me drinking again. good luck to you. I do agree with everyone it is going to take time.

Wayne444

Good luck to you FGO. "I've heard that before" is something that I have heard many times and am hearing again right now. I think I've come back with 100 different variations in responding to why this time was different. I recently screwed up after doing well for quite a while and I know what a horrible feeling you have. I wish I could give some good advice. I am just trying to show rather then tell right now, in a quiet way.

Deserto

Hey finally, I'm with you as well. Wife of 15 years (together 20) wants to see some serious commitment to recovery before she'll consider rebuilding the marriage.

One thing she wants to see is... things she can see. AVRT ain't one of those things. So get a counselor, go to AA meetings, or whatever. Saying "all better now" isn't going to convince anyone.

And I say that as someone who is using AVRT as one of my primary recovery tools. But I recognize that I have to do some things that are visible to another person, not just argue with my AV in my head.

onlythetruth

finallygotout,

I really have nothing to add to the excellent comments you've already received--I just want to wish you the best with this and remind you to try not to make your recovery hinge on regaining this relationship. Truly, in the long run, freedom from the addiction is its own reward.

stugotz

I lost keys, cellphones, and lighters. Relationships, jobs, money, houses, etc I threw away. Just sayin...

Lost3000

I'm a little over 7 months sober and now I occasionally have pangs of guilt. In the first month or two, the guilt was pretty heavy with me. Luckily, my husband didn't leave me, but I realized what hell I put him through over the past years and that hurts. Because there's nothing I can do to fix it, and I can't redo those years. It sucks.

I did give him a heartfelt apology, and I know that part of my 12 step program I'll have to make an actual amend (or maybe I already did it??) - but that's all I can do. I kept on in my program and sobriety, am keeping on, and eventually realized that being sober in itself is a type of "I'm sorry", because I'm not continuing to do the damage any longer.

Does that make sense? It's like the guy who keeps beating on his wife and saying sorry, when she really wishes he'd just quit beating on her. Hope this helps. It does get better. Just keep plugging along. Sorry you are having a hard time.

fgo

Onlythe truth you hit the nail on the head. She broke up with me several months ago and i got sober for a couple months to get her back, and got her back. I dont now why I picked up again. Now I know why and I am doing it for me this time. I want my life back.
Thank you everyone.

Beetle53

Hi- I'm sorry you're going through all of this, everyone here I'm sure can relate and knows what you're going through.

My husband has my back with what I'm going through right now. But, I wasn't being "hurtful" to him when I was drunk. I usually waited to get super wasted until he went to bed actually. By the time he had come home from work in the evening, I'd patched my hangover up pretty good- so he really didn't realize how bad it was until I quit and started to detox...

That being said- I have been in your girlfriend's shoes in the past with an addict ex. You asked for advice, so here goes;
I think since you were together for 2 years that it's perfectly reasonable for you to send her a text. But I really think it needs to center on your recovery and NOT getting her back with you. Meaning- let her know you're serious about staying sober, let her know that you're there for her if/when she wants to reconnect, give her space, and work on you! That's not about getting her back- it's about doing/focusing on what you truly need to do. If she really loves you, whether she takes you back or not- I'm sure that's what she wants from/for you. Hope that helps.

Congrats on your 20 days!!! Keep it up!! :-)

Lost3000

This is not, I say, NOT with regard to your relationship as I am not in it and not you or your husband. I wanted to point out, that one way I didn't realize I was "hurting" my husband was by not being the wife and person I could be. By hurting myself, I was not living up to the standard of a wife I wanted to be and felt I should be to my husband.

Beetle53

@Lost3000- Yeah, that's why I added the quotes to "hurtful"... Everything you just said is the TRUTH and was meant to be implied by adding the quotes. I meant I wasn't OUTRIGHT hurtful in that I have not been abusive or broken my vows. Were my actions healthy? absolutely not! Did he feel unloved or uncared for at any time- No. Was I being the best person I could be, allowing me to be the best partner to him- No way! (I was worried that "hurtful" may be taken the wrong way.) I understand how it may read to some, and I agree with you 100%! Just wanted to clear it up so you understand what I meant. It was purely for brevity. There is a much longer story there (of course!) but I didn't want to jack his post.. Just trying to give some insight through what I've learned. Again, you are 100% right and I'm right there with you!!

@finallygotout- sorry for going left there- Just wanted to clear it up! I hope my advice was helpful. Trust me, I wouldn't offer it if I didn't have my own personal insight- and boy do I!! I think most everyone here does for SURE! :-)