SheWanders

Sobbed last night. Haven't cried like that in quite some time. Actually prided myself on how infrequently I cried despite some pretty sad life circumstances. It all makes sense now and I understand why all of these emotions came tubing to the surface but I was caught off gaurd by their intensity. Talked to a sober friend for 3 hours and finally got a little broken sleep. Was doing so well before this last slip up. I guess it needed to happen eventually. At least I didn't drink. I am finally accepting that I cannot ever drink again. I am killing the fantasy and liberating myself in the process. Accepting that you're an alcoholic is one thing. Accepting that you're not an exceptional, amazing and downright special alcoholic who can overcome this and drink like a normal person someday is quite another. At least for me. Saying it outloud and admitting the depths of my problem to someone was cruicial. It seems more real now. I made some progress. Painful, but needed to be done.

SheWanders

That's supposed to say 'rushing to the surface'. I don't think emotions can tube but ya never know ;-)

Sapling

I know exactly what you are talking about....I had the same reaction...For me it felt like a weight being lifted off me.

mecanix

I found the realization i never had to drink again quite an emotional epiphany.

Sounds like your moving forwards with it ,

Bestwishes, M

Dee74

Personally I don't think there is any alcoholic like that SW - maybe the some of the exceptional, amazing and downright special parts of us lie in accepting that?

D

SheWanders

Yep. Realized that last night. I know an alcoholic can't ever drink like a normal person. Sarcasm doesn't come across well when written. Man, I was so convinced that I could be the special one. Seems ridiculous now. It's liberating on one level and terrifying on another.

One foot in front of the other and trying to keep the horse in front of the damn cart.

Sapling

I caught the sarcasm...But you are right...It doesn't. They were talking about this in the 1930's and I think they hit it spot on.

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Pg 30

SheWanders

Wow. Well if that doesn't sum it up.....

Good to know that I am very ordinary in my 'specialness' ;-).

Sapling

Those guys and gals knew what they were talking about. I thought they wrote that book about me.

EyesofBlue

Thanks for your honesty. I can totally relate to what you're saying. I've been trying to be a rockstar on how I "manage" my drinking. Such a friggin' joke, isn't it? I have managed it so well that I'm fat, unkept and my liver hurts.

It's time to get real and stop boozin' once and for all (I'm talking to myself).

EoB

SheWanders

So my house guests are here. Staying with me for a work event (for them). Before they left one was chugging a beer in the driveway. Did I surround myself with alcoholics or what?!? Hey, I was exceptional at that at least ;-). They won't be back til after I am in bed. They have a 12 pack to keep them company. I have sparkling water with a splash of pomegranate juice (highly recommend it btw). Perhaps I should have just banned alcohol from the house but I really have no desire to drink (day 2 is always a breeze for me) and it saves me from having an awkward conversation other than 'I don't feel like drinking tonight'. They aren't gonna care that much as long as they can drink.

Thanks for giving me a place to check in. It helps tremendously. Off to do some laundry and then curl up with a book. Nice thunderstorm here. Very cozy.

SheWanders

Wish I had something profound to tell you. I agree that relating to others is extremely helpful. It has taken me quite some time to have the breakthrough I had last night. I knew it intellectually but couldn't drive the belief that I could learn to control it from deep in my heart until last night. Talking to someone who had done it themselves was instrumental. Hearing him say 'yep, you're an alcoholic' in a kind and understanding way was liberating. I am many, many things and an alcoholic is just one of them.

We can do this.

Dee74

I missed the sarcasm. Sorry about that SW

I do believe there's a lot of exceptional, amazing and downright special people (and lives) going on here tho

D

SheWanders

Couldn't agree more!