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Relationship Struggles

Old 08-09-2012, 09:07 PM
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Relationship Struggles

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. In the beginning, we both enjoyed drinking together.... Aside from my moments of stupidity that we laughed off. Then, my moments, well... got stupider. Still, we worked through it. So here we are, two years later. I have admitted that I have a problem and I am working on it. However, my boyfriend is what you would call a "normal" drinker. So he really doesn't get it. He plays into my AV (addictive voice) a lot without even realizing it. I know deep down he WANTS me to be a "normal" drinker just as much as I do. So we are in a dilemna; we fight when I drink (most times) AND we fight when I want a drink and can't because I have made a commitment. I poured my heart out to him a couple of nights ago because he asked me what I really wanted. I tried to explain to him that I really believe and admit that I am an alcoholic, and while I want to be able to drink like him... I just can't. I explained to him that I am really going to give my all to stopping. I explained to him that may mean not going out to concerts, or parties, or dinners. And we may have to cancel our trip to Vegas. I explained that I know that this is what I need in order to move forward and grow in my life. I also told him that I was afraid of this decision causing us to grow apart. Well, tonight was a difficult night for me... My av was coming on strong but I fought back. I just needed some space to get through it. He was annoyed and said that this whole thing is depressing. We ended up getting into a spat and then he asked me what I need from him! I feel like he doesn't hear me, or maybe he is just in total denial of what is going on with me! ANYHOW, THE DIRTY DETAILS ARE IRRELEVENT... I AM JUST CURIOUS, has anyone else experienced this; Being in relationship with a "normal" drinker, then deciding to get sober? How did it effect your relationsip, did you survive it? I have also heard that people who are getting sober shouldn't be in a relationship for the first year! Thoughts PLEASE!
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:16 PM
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The first year no relationship thing is pretty hard to accomplish if you are in a relationship. And i'm not too sure it's really that great of an idea -- I mean, recovery is supposed to be our prime focus, but it's pretty hard to just climb in a hole and avoid the natural instinct to be part of a couple.

In my case, I was in no shape for a relationship. Along time ago my wife got sober, I didn't, and it ended in divorce.

The important thing here is what is important to you. Has at any time during your decision to attempt sobriety ever resulted in your "normal drinker" just saying, OK, I will do it with you to support you?

A normal drinker isn't going to understand someone who thinks they are an alcoholic. Newly sober, going to Vegas? That would be hard, and, in my opinion, unwise. They place is soaked in alcohol.

I saw no one had responded to you, so I wanted to give you a greeting and word of encouragement. I did get into a relationship with a normal person, not a normal drinker, during my first year of sobriety. She saw what a wreck I was, left, but now we are back together.

I wish you had some supportive people around you who could give you some face-to-face support. Is that possible?
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:23 PM
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I was in a six year relationship with my ex-gf. At the beginning, like you, it was all fun and games. A new gf means lots of 'wining and dining' and such. I was not quite a full blown alkie at that point and it was kept to weekends. Gradually, my drinking started to increase and I was drinking weeknights. We were together 3 years before we decided to move in together. She didn't think much of me having a six pack after work, but that 6 pack turned into a 12 pack pretty quickly. By the end she had had enough and kicked me out. It was then I went to rehab, but the relationship was already over and we have cut ties completely. There was no way we could have stayed together. I couldnt have asked her to live a sober life too, since she was a normal drinker.
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:37 PM
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Thank you, Memphis. I really appreciate your response. He has quit with me before and does not drink around me now. But he will say something like, "so are we drinking at the show tomorrow night or not.... Its up to you?" When I hear that my AV voice kicks in and says, well, he obviously doesn't think you need to quit... Maybe you don't? I know that I have to take responsibility for my own addiction, but we ARE in a relationship and getting sober is hard enough, I think, when one is alone! I moved to a different state to be with him so I have no friends here... Which is probably for the best since most of my friends like to drink too much. I am going to check out AA and hopefully I will make some connections there. I agree, gonna have to say no to Vegas this time. The reality is, I would be setting myself up for failure.
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:43 PM
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Thanks Jitterbug, My bf says not to think too much about what will happen to us because either way, I am better off without alcohol. Our relationship hasn't been destroyed by my drinking... yet. I am afraid if I don't succeed in sobriety it is only a matter of time. On the other hand, I am afraid that if I do succeed in sobriety, it is only a matter of time. It is a conundrum for sure. I suppose it may be best to just take one day at a time....
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Old 08-09-2012, 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by MsAprilJ View Post
I am afraid if I don't succeed in sobriety it is only a matter of time. On the other hand, I am afraid that if I do succeed in sobriety, it is only a matter of time. It is a conundrum for sure. I suppose it may be best to just take one day at a time....
Hey, so I will do you a favor and leave the relationship advice to others, but since you mentioned AV... I think you've got enough here for a choir. If you don't succeed? You do have some say in the matter, yeah? A downside to recovery? Only AV could conceive of such a thing...

When I start feeling overwhelmed, I find it helpful to focus. First, on the present. What are the facts as they stand right now? Not fears, but facts. Second, which of those things do I have any influence over? The list of things I need to think about gets a lot smaller when I apply those two filters.

I hope things smooth out with your BF soon.
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Old 08-09-2012, 10:39 PM
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MsAprilJ, I've been married to my normal-drinking wife for 10 years, and I have no intention of giving up my relationship! I don't think it's automatic that a person has to be out of a relationship to get clean, but you do need that person's support. Given that you just had this outpouring a couple of nights ago it seems that he might need a little more time to understand what's going on.

My wife is the only person that I have shared my sobriety goal with. A day or two after I quit she got out some old liquor bottles after cleaning and left them out in the open. I had to remind her what I had talked to her about, and it wasn't a big deal.

Your partner should be completely supportive of your effort to get sober, but if he's heard you talk about stopping before when you didn't follow up, you may need to remind him of your intentions. Once you've made it clear that you intend to quit, you should expect his support.
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Old 08-09-2012, 11:26 PM
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I'm sure the 1 year rule refers to dating new people in recovery,not to those already in long term relationships. That said, 1 person getting sober can change the balance in any relationship. I have to put my sobriety first(luckily my DH supports me) but if he didn't and wanted me to drink I would have to question the relationship and consider what was really in my best interests.could you maybe take up new interests ,meet new sober people.good luck
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Old 08-09-2012, 11:51 PM
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Hi. Just wanted to share my experience. I've been married coming up 22 years. We've always drunk together and our relationship is and always has been a good one. ALL our social occasions revolved around alcohol. We had 2 kids, my drinking was heavy but ok ish. Didn't drink when pregnant or around them when they were little, but boy, as soon as they were safely tucked up in bed, I would hit it big time!
As they grew into teenagers something changed with our drinking. I know people say its progressive, and it's so true. We both stepped over that line into alcoholism. We would drink to blackout, and have to remind each other what happened the night before. It stopped being fun. We disappointed each other with our behaviour. I became distant and depressed. He drank because he didn't know how to help me. He got angry, I got more depressed. We both drank more.....
I made a decision to quit in March. He did not. He fought against it. I started getting better and he got more belligerent. He would practically sabotage my efforts to stay sober. Things were really not good.
Finally I caved in May. Just one night but I was totally wasted. Ugly, emotional, distressed. Didn't want to lose him, but couldn't carry on.
It shocked him. We talked a lot and everything was laid on the line that weekend. It really was make or break.
Neither of us have drunk from that weekend.
Our relationship started again as if we had met for the first time. We didn't know our sober selves or each other.
This is grown up and real and incredibly strong.
Getting sober is a tough enough deal. You need the support of those closest to you to get there xx
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Old 08-10-2012, 04:29 AM
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I'm almost in an identical situation. My bf and I had to have a hard talk about no alcohol for me if we end up in a social setting and others were drinking. It's not easy, and yes it does make you wonder, "maybe I don't have a problem". I'm glad to hear that you recognize for yourself that is your AV talking. I like the word AV- my sweet mom said when I start wanting a drink, to visualize my other favorite drink, Perrier water, but get creative. I'm trying to retrain my brain away from the old habit of wanting a drink every time I have hard emotions. I've only been sober as of a day ago. My bf and I are going to my first SOS meeting tomorrow night. I hope it all works out, I bet your relationship will get stronger with your sobriety.
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