charlotte200188

I have been reading through the posts on this forum and feel slightly happier about my current relapse situation. Although I'm still not exactly comfortable with posting my own issues I guess if anyone will understand, the people on here will and even if you don't at least you can't exactly single me out in the same fashion that im faced with in day to day life.

So my story…..
Points to consider:
1) Firstly as everyone around me sees it, my biggest problem is that im purposely throwing my life away. I'm far from stupid I have a career in London, some good friends and have always had long term bf's however I have never felt happy with myself.
2) My whole life I've seen feelings as a weakness, as a tool to break people and get what you want, I also seen a lot of the time its just words rather than feeling and the difference between meaning something and lying to someone is a very thin line. I have therefore closed myself off from feelings. This started as a very small child when I used to watch my parents fight maybe from as young as around 6 years. Needless to say I've become very good at keeping this emotional barrier intact at all times.
3) I've learnt I have a particularly addictive personality to anything and everything it can be yoga just as easily as it is getting wasted.
4) Knowing im different gives me immense self hatred and the urge to injure myself and unfortunately by doing so often others in my war path.
5) When depressed im the most horrible and callous drunk you will ever meet and able to break a relationship, built up over many years with just a few sentences.
So with these points in mind…...
I won't reiterate the whole story because its painful and pointless but in a nutshell By 16 I was hurt and angry I'd left school got a career and moved out of home with my first long term bf who was 7 years older than me. He introduced me to dance and the drug scene and for me it was the first taste of freedom from life and reality I loved it, it was an instant and happy release as I always bottle my feelings up.
Basically from there my life carried on going downhill I developed various addictions including drugs, anorexia, drink and isolation from anyone and everyone. I failed to understand the meaning of living like the rest of society and once again now feel the same hence falling of the wagon. I see complete pointlessness in living and conforming to all society because in my eyes the way we live makes no sense and nobody seems to have enough real desire or intelligence to think out the box and challenge the rules which we currently live in even though they were never made to contend with modern day society.
At 20 I nearly died of dehydration, I then hit another all time low at 21 and tried to commit suicide hence the men with the white coats appeared and put me in a psychiatric ward. I literally had no one at all there not even my parents would come to visit me. (Since then I've tried to commit suicide probably another 3 times each time with no luck and no understanding why as I have made sure I should never live to see another day.)
When I came out the ward I somehow allowed myself to believe my life was all own fault and it was my addictions that were the problem rather than everyone else so for 3 years I completely changed I got well and left every single addiction behind cold turkey. I got my job back in the city I got a 'normal' bf and honestly believed that would make me happy.
Well guess what now im back at square one only its worse because I know I used my addictions to hide from this misery rather than them being the problem and once again I've gone majorly downhill.
Saturday was a huge realisation point for me that thigns are bad again. I've been struggling for a while but never allowed it to run roit and act terribly like I did Saturday. I basically went to my new bf's best girl mates bbq already half cut and proceeded to abuse the whole family start a fight call my bf a c*nt not only did he end up smashign his hand up I fully understand that I upset the whole nights balance as well as making a complete fool of myself and upsetting everyone around me.
Now im feeling desperate for some advice from someone who understands.
Yes I am depressed, I am on all sorts of weird and wonderful cocktails from the doctors but none of these help.
Yes I have thought of counselling or CBT but I find it hard enough to speak to you right now that there is no way I could ever do that. I see pouring my heart and emotions out like this as venerable.
Please say there is at least one person who understands me?!:rotfxko

sugarbear1

go to silkworth.net and read the book (or take a listen) to Alcoholics Anonymous and listen to some speakers on xa-speakers.org and see if you relate to anything.

You aren't alone anymore.

Hugs & love,

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

It sounds like you want to change your life. Are you ready to stop drinking? I hope so because that will be the first step. And, I would encourage you to get counselling for your anger issues and depression. You might find that things improve when you stop drinking but you may also need counselling.

wpainterw

I agree with Anna. You may need counseling to learn why you believe feelings are a weakness and are useful only to manipulate others to get what you want. Why do you drink and drug? Do you do this to try to escape from or hide from your feelings? Does it work? It never worked for me. When I drank it made my feelings worse, made me more angry, more lonely. What's wrong with recognizing and living with your feelings? Could it be that if you were able to stop drinking you might be able to put yourself in perspective, lessen or eliminate your self hatred, be less depressed (alcohol is a depressant), less lonely, more happy? Have feelings which you could acknowledge and live with?
So why not try counseling, and try some kind of recovery group, AA or otherwise. You certainly don't need any more booze or other stuff. Every good wish.

W.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Charlotte

I can really relate to this:

But I will never understand why so many people who feel like that end up addicts (myself included) rather than trying to actually think outside the box

It sounds to me that you may get alot out of going to AA. You'll meet a lot of people who aren't quite comfortable either. For me a large part of getting sober has been about being honest. Even though I have always considered myself to be chronically honest, I have realised how much I have let people walk all over me, or lied to get things I want. Being honest about my emotions does not come easily but I think it may be a necessity to living an honest life, by which I mean true to my self and not full of BS.

Glad you're posting here x

2granddaughters

Charlotte: Your story sounds a lot like mine only I was a little older but had the same mental/emotional/spiritual defects and deficiencies which I self-medicated with booze and Valium.

Alcoholics Anonymous has enabled me to quit drinking/using and stay quit. The 12 Steps have shown my how to address my defects and shortcomings which precipitated much of my drinking in the first place.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

regeneration

Hello Charlotte.... I have problems managing emotions and issues with anxiety/depression. I drunk to "manage" those in the past, and it made it worse. When I stopped though, it was like shining a spotlight on everything, I did and still do find it hard as I'm 4 and a half month's sober. But I"m getting there with support. My life is much better now I don't drink (depression lifted) and I'm learning ways to manage anxiety and unpick my emotions and learn to feel properly. It's a slow process but the way I figure it is that I've decades getting to this point, it won't happen overnight.

I think you need support in the "outside world", as well as online (here and other boards are great though). I'd look at counselling and recovery groups as others are saying.

I've had therapy for years, it's actually working a lot better now I'm sober (I can be more open and thought processes are clearer). I know it's difficult to start with but if you did try out a couple of different people you should find someone who is compassionate and can help you begin the process. Counsellors/therapists have heard a lot of stories, and are used to helping people who are feeling vulnerable (I feel vulnerable a lot, I'm trying to learn to feel comfortable with it).

I also go to AA, if you try that I'd also advise trying a few different groups. There is a lot of choice in London. Happy to PM you some suggestions.

If you need more time/aren't sure about counselling then keep posting, there are always people on here.

Dee74

some great suggestions here Charlotte - I can't better them
I'm really glad you've joined us - I never felt as if I belonged anywhere either - but I belong here

I know you'll find acceptance, support and encouragement here too

D

Jitterbugg

Hi Charlotte,
I can relate to being an absolute fool at social gatherings. My most embarrassing was vomiting all over the front door of my friend's parents' house at his engagement party. I felt the urge to be sick, but apparently that door was locked as I tried to run outside. So when I was done being sick, I come back to find my friends' mother on her hands and knees wiping up my vomit. Haven't been invited back since haha.

I think I drink for the same reasons you do. I have never truly been happy at any point in my life and I don't see where I fit in. I had a promising career in finance, but I never felt it was right. I have pushed all emotions inside and I feel like a fraud so no one really knows what I really think. I feel like a phoney....as Holden Caulfied said.

I am sober now....but still feel I am acting out someone else's life. Im 35 now, so I figure I can live the 2nd half of my life the way I was meant to.

charlotte200188

thank you all for the very helpful comments and support

charlotte200188

im so pleased im not the only one that makes an idiot of myself thanks for sharing your story! x