DisplacedGRITS

as i said, i struggled today. my husband has been approached about a job opportunity in Minneapolis/St. Paul area. i have just gotten to a place here in Milwaukee where i feel like i am honestly happy. i like where we live (both the apartment and the neighborhood), i like my new job and i like where i am in my sobriety and my general environment. i don't want to move. but this job is possibly what my husband wants to be doing long term where what he is currently doing is not. i'm sad. i don't want my life to change and i know i'm being selfish. i've been putting on a brave face and hiding my fears from him ever since he told me he'd been contacted. i told him today via e-mail (i didn't trust myself to be able to tell him face to face) and had a good cry about it. i feel better but while i was typing i knew that i really wanted a tall glass of vodka and Diet Sprite next to me. i wanted to drown out my fears and that was the coping mechanism that part of me still wants to turn to. needless to say, i did not go out and pick up a bottle. as much as i wanted to go to my old stand by, i've gained too much in my sobriety to turn back now. anyways, isn't my sobriety part of the reason i want to stay here? telling my husband my fears and my general unhappiness did relieve me of a great burden. i had an orientation class for work this evening and going to that really helped me get everything off my mind as well. after having the cry, it took a lot for me to remind myself that i can't worry this much about something that is happening in the future and is not a sure deal. that's a problem i have that brings me unnecessary stress. when i first heard about this job offer i immediately went to craigslist and started looking at apartments and scouting the area. i felt the need to be proactive in something that may not even happen. i borrowed trouble. it's really hard to lay my fears aside and concentrate on living in the present but i'm trying. i'm feeling better now but it's really hard to not think that everything i've just begun to grow accustomed to and love about my new life here could be gone so soon. i want to be happy for my husband and this prospective job but i just can't. not with my whole heart. not even with half of it. the analytical side of me sees the advantages of it. a better job for him, more money, better insurance, a more secure future. the emotional side of me is devastated. i love where i live and i just recently started to not feel Displaced. i finally started to feel like i finally fit in here. and now i face the very real possibility that it could all be taken from me. i won't turn to alcohol but the pull is there and fighting it is taking it's emotional toll on me as well. i cannot control the world around me but i can control how i respond to it and i will respond to it with grace and as much strength as i can muster. and if i need to lean on a few friends for support, i'll do that as well and so i am here. i just feel like a leaf in the wind and a bit helpless. i want to do what is right but i don't know what that is right now. i want to be happy but all i can do is focus on the negative. i want to smile but i keep crying and i haven't felt this empty sadness in months. i'm sure i'll be happy if we move. i just know for sure that i'm happy where i am now and was just setting down real roots. i feel like i'm being uprooted before i even got a chance to prove that i could grow.

dancinggirl

I'm sorry that you're struggling! Life can certainly throw us some curve-balls, can't it? However, as you know, dealing with life's difficulties is INFINITELY easier with a clear, sober mind!!! Stay strong, know we're hear for you, get through the next 24 hours.
xoxo

DayTrader

I can identify with all those feelings.

All I can say is that, FOR ME, those sorts of emotional upheavals.....the "roller coaster"......is directly related and results from my alcoholism. When I'm properly treating it (alcoholism), I don't get those feelings. When I'm not treating it.....I feel like that a lot. And no, I don't have to pick up a drink to suffer from alcohoISM! Matter of fact, it's alcoholism when I'm NOT drinking that leads me to pick back up.

Thankfully, it's possible to outgrow all that garbage (aka "recover from a hopeless state of body AND MIND).........otherwise, I'd never have made it this far (about 5 yrs).

Anna

DG, I'm sorry you're going through this upheaval. I was a military wife and we moved about 15 times in 22 years. We had minimal choice about where we would be living and we were never anywhere near family. It was hard and I had to search for the upside. There were two things I focused on. I met so many wonderful people in our nomadic life, and our immediate family became very close because we really only had each other.

Eddiebuckle

DG,

Two observations from what you wrote above:

First, responding with social grace to a situation such as this is "nice" but overrated; responding with spiritual grace is a whole different thing. You are dealing with reality, and in this case reality is neither clean nor clear cut. Your emotional response is natural, normal, and self aware - it is normal to feel conflicted and sad (or even angry) by this prospect. Spiritual grace does not mean that we have a teflon soul to which no evil can stick - far from it. Spiritual grace is being able to roll with the sucker punches life occassionally throws, without responding in kind.

Second, regarding your last sentence, see above. You already have grown, there is nothing to prove.

IndaMiricale

I sent thougths and prayers for you to find that serene place.

I can relate I am in the process of doing work on the house and all that stuff to put it on the market. I have lived all over this country , but I never have moved in sobriety.

I just brought this up at a meeting not long ago. I like it here , love my AA here. But I have to realize for me, what is meant to happen will happen. As long as I continue and strive to keep doing the next right thing. That all good can only come from it.

Maybe a good movie and ice cream to take you away for just a bit.

Doodledog

Hi Grits:

Like the others have said, I'm sorry you're feeling so troubled. I've had to move a lot in my life for jobs. Always felt like I was taking an axe and chopping off roots. Terribly painful. I did a big move about two years ago and even though I felt so much sorrow, I began to realize -- and then trust -- that I had someone who was going to watch over me and that it was going to be OK. And it was.

Praying you find some peace in the coming days.

ddog

Pondlady

DG,
I always enjoy reading your posts, you have good insight. Trust your feelings . Try not to overwhelm yourself....and reach out to all of us here

Wayne444

DG, I also have really enjoyed and benefited from your posts. So thank you for those and please stay strong. You deserve it.

DisplacedGRITS

thanks everyone. reading about how others have gone through moves really helps me. i know i'm not the only one. i'm a military brat and moved a bit as a child and i seem to harbor some resentment towards my parents for moving me at critical moments in my childhood. i don't want to resent my husband if we move and i don't think i will. after my dad retired i didn't have to move for over 15 years and i was really happy with all the roots i put down. i made many friends, met and married my husband, bought a house, started a business and thought naively thought it would stay like that forever.

Kev and i had a nice, fun dinner and i'm smiling tonight. i know whatever happens, i'll still be with my best friend and we'll always make the most of where ever we live. we have so far. if we move, it'll be another adventure. and anyways, i can be a Packer fan anywhere in the country. ^_^

Pigtails

Sorry for my mis-post, I posted in the wrong place and have now fixed it.

sugarbear1

AA'er? prayer and meditation. what better way to improve your conscious contact with that power greater than you?

Big hugs!

sukosuko1

Its easy to get active in aa anywhere. but if you have good family and friends in milwaukee i wouldn't leave that without thinking hard about it. you have the right to simply say you need to stay in one city, its really hard for the family to move. and milwaukee is a big city with lots of job opportunities. I grew up in cudahy!

Jeni26

DG, I'm thinking of you lots. I feel your insecurity and worry.
Remember though how far you've come. Wherever you live in the world, you take your new strength and sobriety with you. You won't leave it behind.
Try not to spend time in imagined scenarios. Today you are ok. Let tomorrow take care of itself xxxx

neferkamichael

GRITS, hang in there, using would just be another problem.

Threshold

DG, hugs and double hugs, I've moved many many times to follow my ex's career.

I think that you are wise to think deeply on this and have a heart to heart with your spouse on whether this move is the best thing for both of you.

Sometimes it is not true that the one with the biggest paycheck or benefit package wins without question. There are many many important facts to be taken into consideration.

For many years, through many moves my ex and I avoided that discussion. I didn't want to be "selfish", and of course what was good for his career was good for me, right?

People can't be put on hold, they must be tended to. Fed, loved, cared for at every step of the way. We can't put off our needs for a few years on a promise our turn will come later, when it's more convenient.

Make sure this move is truly going to be good for both of you. Even a great job offer, isn't always what is best for the person the job is offered to!

I had so many discussions, arguments, etc in my own head over the issues of all our moves etc...that I failed to talk it out with the one I should have been discussing it with, my ex. If it affects both of you, then both of your needs should be taken into deep consideration.

I have no idea what is right for you as a couple. I just offer this because I see I swallowed some things when I should have spoken up.

benice

My initial reaction to reading your post was to say, “What grace and strength you are already showing!” Then I read Eddie’s eloquent post about grace. His type of spiritual grace is something to really strive for…and it is clearly within your reach.

Several years ago I read Philip Yancey’s book, “What’s so Amazing About Grace?” I don’t think it specifically said this, but I took from it one definition of grace is the ability to forgive where forgiveness is neither warranted nor sought.

I love that you are married to your Best Friend (I am too). That is a huge factor in your situation.

Fortunately SR is within reach wherever you go!
Hugs,

foodie1

Sorry to hear that DG, it's so hard to have your life change and not be in control of it. Stay strong, communicate, pray. Hugs to you!

NoFireWater

Threshold, what a great post!!

DG I'm sorry you may have to move again. I always have a love hate relationship with moving. I hate to leave friends, but I think it's really good for me to move every decade or so and shake things up a little.

This definitely seems like something to be discussed with a big long pros and cons list. It's not always all about the money. Good luck with your decision, either way!

hypochondriac

Thinking of you DG. I hope it all works out for the best xxx