CardinalSin

Alright folks. I've struck up the courage to join a forum like this after more than 10 years solid drinking. I'll try and keep it brief - I'm sure you've read a lot of sob stories!

Anyway, I love drinking. Since I gave up the evil weed, I've done it every day. During the week, I usually drink alone and keep it "sensible"... 6-8 cans. I can function the next day, although I'm probably not legal to drive to work and spend much of the day feeling terrible and swearing blind I'll keep the next evening sober. Weekends I'll drink till I need to go to bed. Thankfully, my tolerance is still quite low and I've never got into serious trouble through drinking. I'm not quaffing bottles of vodka or anything, but I have been warned by a doctor before and I do get serious "drinking pains".

My problem is threefold.

1. Sheer boredom. I get home of an evening... most of my interests (gambling, watching telly, looking at youtube, reading the internet) ... can be done sober or pissed. I'm used to doing it pissed.
2. Pride. I can't admit to ANYONE about my problem. Well, I did to an ex-girlfriend once, but she was probably just as bad as me. My workmates occasionally notice my beery breath, but I can usually pass it off as an unexpected birthday or general "lad's behaviour".
3. This is the killer. ALL my friends drink. It's not surprising. You hang about with folk who are like you. Even if I suddenly took the pledge, I'd have no-one to hang about with. I could admit my problem, and I'm sure my closest friends would be supportive. But at the same time, point 2 gets in the way.

I've only browsed this forum briefly, and I know a lot of you are in far deeper than me. I have nothing but empathy - my mother died from alcoholism when I was 18. I'm 34 now and remarkably still in not bad shape. I feel a bit fraudulent coming on this forum when my life is generally still okay, but I don't want things to get any worse.

So that's it. I hope I can be of help with you guys, and at the same time, learn some things too.

hypochondriac

Don't feel fraudulent Cardinalsin! You drink about the same amount as I did and my life was 'generally okay' too, but I still felt like I deserved sobriety No one is gonna make you go away and come back when your life really is ruined!

My list was a just like yours too, though I did come to realise that the problem wasn't really that I was bored, or that all my friends drank, rather that I was an alcoholic and just needed to not drink. Health necessitated it in the end and gave me the appropriate kick in the behind.

I understand about the pride thing, and to be honest I was so broken when I finally quit that I couldn't speak about it to anyone. Now I see my ability to not drink as my greatest strength, especially when all my drinking friends look at me like I've just walked on water. It takes balls to not just follow the crowd and eventually your pride at conquering your problem will replace any pride you felt in having to hide it x

Welcome to SR btw x

CardinalSin

Cheers for replying hypochondriac. I'm not sure I should be replying when I'm still "weekday pissed". My main problem is that I don't want to give up drinking... I want to give up drinking alone during the week. I'd still like to be the happy-go-lucky chap who is the life and soul of the party, but not drink during the week.

I realise this goes against the grain of what most reforming alcoholics want / need to achieve. Which is why I feel I shouldn't really be here. But at the moment, the thought of giving up alcohol and eschewing the friends I've built up (usually when pissed), seems far worse than the imminent medical disaster that is bound to happen.

Anyway, as I said, I'm half-cut... I'll report back when I'm sober, but I think I'm bound to feel the same way. I guess I need something really bad to happen before I rethink my position..

Thanks again.

2granddaughters

It's amazing how badly we have to be mangled before we surrender....

All the best from a Scot in Canada.

Bob R

MetalChick

Hello CardinalSin,

Welcome to SR

Please keep reading and posting. Ambivalence is normal feeling in this situation. Being here is a good start for you

Already you are making new sober friends, albeit online, but this room is a great support with great people who really care.

hypochondriac

OMG, you are me! I wrote this exact thing down a few years ago when I first gave any serious consideration to my drinking problem. Easy solution right? Just don't drink during the week! I only really considered quitting totally after coming here and realising that I had wanted to do that for years and just carried on drinking. I like the quote that comes up on here sometimes...'If we could control our drinking we would have done it by now'. Sums me up anyway.

Anyway, turns out (after a few months finding my sober feet) that I actually am still the happy go lucky chap(ess) who is the life and soul of the party. I'm just sober. I had some kind of weird delusion that if you took alcohol away I'd be dull, immobile, lifeless, drab person who would be incapable of speaking without a beer in my hand. So not true.

The problem for me giving up in the week is that if I allow alcohol in my life at all, I will just drink it all, no matter what day it is. And that will only lead to badness. If you can give up during the week, then do so. If not, you might want to consider giving it up x

CardinalSin

Very true Bob. I'd say "slainte", but under the circumstances that might not be appropriate.

I hope I have the courage to log back in when I've sobered up.

CardinalSin

And cheers for the kind words Hypochondriac and Metalchick... there's no danger that I won't forget writing all this tonight. I just hope that I have the wherewithal to reply when I'm sober.

Night folks. You seem like a nice bunch! x

MetalChick

Also,

You mentioned that you drink out of:


"1. Sheer boredom. I get home of an evening... most of my interests (gambling, watching telly, looking at youtube, reading the internet) ... can be done sober or pissed. I'm used to doing it pissed."


Do something different! Shake things up a little.

No one ever died of boredom, but you know(sorry about your mother) that they do die of alcoholism. My pop died of same thing when I was a teenager.

One more thing I have found that humility is necessary for recovery. I struggle with pride myself, and trust me, it gets in the way every time.

Hugs,

MC

heath480

Welcome to SR cardinalsin..

departure

I don't want to give up drinking either. I want to give up daily drinking and still be able to drink socially and within reason like a normal person. I just don't know that I can.

When I first was trying to come to terms with my problem drinking, I made a list, a prescription if you will, for normal, moderate drinking that I intended to stick to:

No drinking during the work week.
No more than 2 drinks on any given day.
Non-drinking days should occur more frequently in any week than drinking days.
No more than 7 total drinks in a week.

It was my belief and what I read that if I could keep within the confines of those rules that I could get my problem drinking under control and that I could drink like a normal person.

I failed. I did not have problems with the law, didn't end up in the hospital, have been able to take care of my kids, my marriage was still intact (although not without problems), am gainfully employed, and so on.

But I, more often than not, drank too frequently, in excess, blacked/browned out, suffered hangovers, fought with my husband, etc. My point is that I don't think you have to hit some terrible rock bottom to be an alcoholic. Don't you think maybe it's better to recognize your relationship with alcohol before you get there?

I don't know what I am doing yet. I don't want to call myself an alcoholic yet I know I have been drinking alcoholically. I can't open my mind to forever right now - it's to big and too scary. This is what I do know: I did not drink yesterday. I will not drink today. I plan to not drink tomorrow. That's all I can manage at the moment.

Dee74

welcome CardinalSin

I think everybody thinks they're not that bad...but how bad do you want to get? I started as as a irregular binger, then a regular one...I ended up drinking all day everyday...still thinking I wasn't that bad

I think everyone, too, wants to just cut back to one or two nights a week...I never achieved that tho and I've never known anyone here who managed it consistently.

I know it's confronting to come here and be told stuff like that....but you're not alone..we all remember and understand...

I hope you'll come back too

D

Hevyn

Welcome to the family, CardinalSin. It's great to have you here.

I once drank like you do, but I didn't have the sense to be concerned about it. Fast forward 20 yrs. and I was drinking 'round the clock, completely dependent on it. It was hell to get off it at that point - would've been so much easier if I'd heeded the early warnings like you are. Be glad you're taking a look at your drinking habits and what they're doing to your life. My life was turned upside down because I didn't. Keep on talking to us!

least

Welcome to the family.

debsam

Welcome...from another Scot living in Canada

We're a good bunch here...and we'll still be here if you need us.