I don't know who I am without alcohol
 

Alcohol, wine especially, is part of my identity. I just celebrated my birthday and all of my friends knew precisely what to give me - bottles and bottles of wine. The events of my celebration are a little "foggy," not suprisingly. I made some mean remarks to my husband that I don't really remember. I apologized just to make him stop talking about it - get over it already, I apologized! Stop reminding me about how awful I was, can't you see I'm suffering (from a hangover - why did I do a shot of tequila?! I never do that!).

A few days before the party, my husband and I had a huge, knock-down, drag out fight. Because I was drunk, again, on a Wednesday, and had to go to work the next day. It ended with him leaving the house and me letting him. He came back, but slept in the guest room. As I drove to work, I thought to myself, "Don't get sick. Don't get sick. Better drive in the right lane in case I need to pull over." I made it to the parking garage, got out of the car, and promptly threw up.

He told me I am an alcoholic like my whole family. Why do I drink alone, why do I drink everyday? He wouldn't mind so much but I drink alone and I drink everyday. We made up. I told him I would get help with drinking but he also needed help with his emotional/anger issues.

Then it was Monday, and I was drinking again, by myself and when I had to work the next day. Another, smaller fight ensued. I woke up the next morning feeling depressed, full of regret, and with a headache from the wine the night before. It was my birthday.

I cried as I drove to work. I need to quit drinking. But who am I without my wine? It's part of my identity. A vineyard is the wallpaper on my phone. It's what everyone knows I love. Wine is the perfect gift. People ask me all the time to go wine tasting with them or to tell them where they should go on their tour. I work part-time at a winery! I have a line of wine inspired t-shirts I am months away from launching! How do I stop when so much of who I am is wine? I feel like to remove wine - alcohol - from my life is like cutting myself in half.

I went to a meeting yesterday. I had the book with the meeting times and locations in my desk drawer from the last time I was here (SR and this dark place of self-loathing and fear).

How do you move on when you feel as if you have to leave behind so much of who you are behind? I feel as if I am so wrapped up in wine that it is me.

Alcohol will eventually ruin your life, it is already ruining your marriage.

Wake up ! Give up the idea of being able to drink like a normal person.

We are alcoholic.

Mental obsession to drink will go away, you will emerge as a better person !

Alcoholism is progressive, it only gets worse.... I decided enough is enough, and am 1.5 years sober... I too was considered a "must have" on every Vegas trip, night out downtown, patio after work etc...

Good luck

If you really truly desire it, you can find out who you are sober. :) It takes a lot of patience and time and understanding. Most of all you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober.

You'll have no problem at the meetings with a Higher Power, you have one now that needs to be replaced.

All the best. We've all been there. You can do it.

Bob R

Departure:

I took some liberties with your post, putting your last sentence first and then using your very own words telling you what you would be leaving behind.

To me, those would be some great things never to have to face again!

The lure of that first drink and the initial glow of wine just doesn't seem worth all of the other bad stuff that follows. Right now you appear to be a highly functioning alcoholic, but if you continue to drink the problems mount even more.

Wine is not your life...you are. Let go of it; you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so.

well, you dont have to leave anything behind. if ya wanna take the gloom, dispair, and misery along, you can do that. it will be the same existance, only without alcohol.
or.....

you can make a decision that you want to stop drinkng, be willing to do whatever ya gotta do to stop, then find people that will help ya learn how to stop existing and learn how to live.

for me, i got to a point where the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality. complete desperation. i hated me and didnt want to be me any more.i was just existing for alcohol. so, i went to AA.
i got the Big Book, went to meetings, did what the Big Book suggested i do to recover from the hopeless state of mind, and havent had a drink in 7+ years now.
but better than not having a drink in 7+ years is the fact that i am no longer existing!! i am living a life today with worth. it has been an awesome journey to date and look forward to many more days sober through the program of AA.

Who do you want to be?

Is a life so defined by alcohol the one you want to live?

It's funny (well, not funny but...apt) to read that. Right down to the possessive of 'my' wine. I remember the feeling exactly. God, how I loved my wine.

But you know. Regular, non-alcoholic people. They like wine. And chocolate and... IDK... chicken. But it doesn't define them. They're not like "who would I be without my chicken???" I'll have to tear down my chicken wallpaper! :react

So to me once I realized that I had a pretty serious thinking error (<----- understatement of the day), it became easier to move on.

I accepted that I can't drink, ever and stay sane. I hope you do, too. I promise you. Once you 'get it', you won't miss it at all. :hug:

Hi Departure,

You are in the right place,

Are you drinking now?

Bruno.

Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp? She was a young, high-functioning alcoholic and her memoir is raw, emotional and inspiring.

I believe that stopping drinking is the beginning, but only the beginning. That's when I began the hard work of looking at myself, where I was in my life, where I wanted to be. And, then I figured out the changes that I would need to make in order for that to happen. It's hard. For example, I couldn't have worked at a winery. They are tough choices, but alcoholism will not rest until it has taken your soul.

Rather than thinking about "who you would be" without alcohol, it may be helpful to consider "who you would not be" without alcohol. One of my first posts was about things I had to give up when I quit drinking. It basically became a list of who I was no longer. In other words, who I am not when I don't drink. Pasted a little of it below. What would your list look like?........................................

"It can be challenging and a lot of things change. Here are a few things I had to give up:

1. Walking into work hung over and hoping nobody could see the "foggy head" that I felt.

2. Being afraid to answer the phone because I knew my speach would be slurred.

3. Hoping people weren't noticing my glazed eyes as I walked through Wal-Mart.

4. Regretting the stupid things I said the night before.

5. Worrying about whether my eyes are turning yellow as I look in the mirror.

6. Wondering if permanent damage has occurred yet.

7. Being shocked at what my black out has erased after someone had to remind me.

8. Waking up with some strange, unexplainable anxiety....it seems so real, obvious, and concerning at the time but makes no sense the next morning (hard to explain, sort of like a sleeping panic attack??)

9. Wondering if I would beat this disease like my Dad did or if it would kill me as it did my brother.


....and on and on the list could go. You give up a lot when you get sober and I am thankful!"

What an awesome journey you are undertaking to find out, who you are and all. Difficult, sure it is!! But it will be the best journey you will ever take.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised!

I've noticed that I'm returning back to the "old" me BEFORE drinking took hold of my life. You and I were both born without that liquor bottle. There is a YOU without the alcohol.

I didn't start heavily drinking until around age 26, so I remember how I was before that time. While there are some parts of the now me I would change or get irritated with, there is no part of what I was like with alcohol that I want back.

I lived in a very drunken, party-filled city. Adjusting was hard and I eventually moved (I wanted out of that city to begin with but quitting the bottle made it much easier to leave).

A sober life is a different life (in a good way). It's one that you have to get used to but you can do it if you really want it. If alcohol is already tearing apart your marriage, it can get worse if you continue.

Also remember that you aren't bound to the first meeting group you go to. If you don't find yourself comfortable, always try another one. Sometimes people have to do some major searching to find the right group.

There is a book I read at the beginning of my sobriety called "The Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife" by Brenda Wilhelmson that I was able to relate to. Her timeline in that book almost mirrored mine which was a huge help and she talks a lot about the struggles of finding meetings and dealing with her alcoholic friends. Maybe you can relate to that also.

Thank you, you are right. You are all right - down to the chicken wallpaper!

I was taught to love God before all else. I learned from a wise man to love my husband more than myself and my marriage more than him. It is obvious from the events of the last week that I put drinking as my priority and with it myself, everything else was left to fall away.

I did not drink yesterday. I will not drink today. I was looking for my 24-hour chip from last time and can't find it. Apparently I threw it away, literally and figuratively. I am going to get a new one at a meeting today. I want it.

Thank you for your book recommendation. I will look it up. In the meantime, I read a story from the blue book. Someone gave it to me yesterday even though I didn't want it.

You've already gotten great advice above. I think we all probably felt some version of "who am I without alcohol"-I know I did. But now that I'm sober, for the first time because I really WANT to be (not just because I know I should)-it is better than I ever would have believed. Seriously.

Give yourself that gift. And give yourself time-it takes awhile to get in the groove. We'll be here when you need support.

Good luck to you.

MM

I felt the same way - It seemed so much safer staying where I was, even if I was miserable. It's the fear of the unknown that holds us back. We think life is going to be worse without the one thing we look forward to and depend on to feel good.

If that were really the case, I don't think anyone would be glad to be sober. It's hard at first, for sure, but that's why you take it one day at a time, or a minute at a time if you have to. Don't worry about what's going to happen tomorrow or next week, or Christmas, or what's going to happen with the T-shirts. Those are all minor details that you don't have to deal with right now. Just stay in today and focus on the next right step. We're here for you - you really can be both sober and happy.....:hug:

Can I add this? You mentioned the alcoholic family. Nothing worked for long for me until I began reading Adult Children of Alcoholics literature. Alcohol (wine in particular) was my family identity. It was the only thing I'd understood and I'd been taught to turn to it just like my parents did whenever I need a friend. ACA helped unravel that. Because we're not the wine, we're better than that.

I thought alcohol defined me too.

Then when I quit, I rediscovered a me I'd totally forgotten - a me I actually really liked....

turns out drinking me wasn't the authentic me at all...

I'm sure you'll find the same, departure :)

D

I feel the same way. My only identity was through drinking... when I stopped they asked me 'what else do you do to have fun?' and I was just a blank slate. I'm still waiting for the 'life beyond my imagination' everyone keeps talking about to start. on step 3. At least i'm awake and alert and don't live in constant background fear of things falling apart.

I felt the same way, that I was stripping away a massive part of my life. But if you cloak your life in drink then you never really get to know yourself at all. So what you think is the 'real' you (the wine-loving you) is actually just covering up who you really are. You'll never get to know who that really is unless you give it a try. I've found out all kinds of things about myself since giving up drinking, and I really like what I see. I haven't given anything up - I still happily go down the pub with my friends and drink coke - but I've gained so much. I urge you to try it.

It sounds like you're ready to turn a corner in your life, Departure. Wine was a huge part of my identity too, I know it's difficult to strip that away. But believe me, those parts of you get replaced and filled in with something so much better. I couldn't imagine even going out to dinner without wine. How (and why???) do people do that? Now I have fun and I even order dessert because the bill's half what it used to be when I was drinking.

This may not be the case for you, but I realize (only now) that for me, I'd built my life around wine. I worked in restaurants because the drinking culture was huge. I took vacations to vineyards because all the activities involved drinking. I had relationships only with other alcoholics and married a heavy drinker. I gave wine as a gift to everyone except small children. But this was me making my world this way...because I obsessed about alcohol...because I'm an alcoholic. You can change your world and what it revolves around, and you don't have to lose any bit of yourself in the process.

Patience and faith that it will get better are your friends here. I don't know about you, but it took me some time to feel good about not drinking. Then I could start to build a new life that didn't revolve around wine.

All the best to you!!