Today is the Day
 

Hello,
I just wanted to introduce myself and reach out to folks in recovery and those just starting and struggling with me. I've had several stints of abstinence from alcohol over the past 5 years, the longest being 20 months or so, though I would consider myself a dry drunk during these times. Those months without alcohol were some of the best of my adult life. I learned to kayak, I was hiking all of the time, my music was thriving and I was in the best shape of my life. But I was still angry. My family and friends have commented that when I quit drinking I turn into such an angry person and I know this is not the core of who I am. I sometimes think I'm deeply scared of letting myself love, be loved, and be happy. I have got to stop today and know that this time I'm going to really need the support and guidance of folks in AA. I hate that I'm an alcoholic because I really enjoy drinking, but I am not living up to the person I know I am. I am wasting my life.

My wife had our first baby a few weeks ago and I thought that would automatically "fix" me. Of course, I was drinking beers in the hospital at night and have been drinking steadily as if nothing changed in my life. I am a good husband and father and thank God that alcohol hasn't yet stripped that from me, but I know it's just a matter of time if I don't quit alcohol for good. I am feeling scared and excited and slightly hungover. I want to be the absolute best father I can to my son and make sure I am always there for him (and my wife).

I work in an old school office where the bar is always full and open at 5. This will be one of the hardest times in the day for me to overcome. I know I need a plan and appreciate any words of wisdom that people have to offer. I have always been stubborn when it comes to getting a sponsor and have a fear that it will take too much of my time. I imagine the time spent with a sponsor is probably miniscule in comparison to the time I waste on booze. Anyway, that's my rant and I'm thankful that this community exists. Thanks for letting me share.

CONGRATULATIONS on your firstborn! It sounds like you will be a fabulous father! Glad you posted! You will get lots of support here...:You_Rock_

Hi and Welcome,

Congratulations on the birth of your child.

What really helped me in the early days was changing my routines to avoid usual triggers to drink. So, if 5pm is drinking time for you, make a change. Go to the gym or better yet, go home and spend time with your baby.

I understand what you mean about not allowing yourself to be happy. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and if I expressed happiness, there were negative consequences, always. So, I had to look deep within and connect with the spiritual part of myself and know that, yes, I did deserve a good life, a happy life. Everyone does. :)

Welcome to the Rooms, RiverFriend.

Have a seat and enjoy the ride.

All the best.

Bob R

Welcome to SR RiverFriend :)

I know I always waited to be automatically fixed... Glad you're making the right decisions for you and your new family x

Welcome !

Are you done flirting with the idea that you can one day drink like a normal person ? If so, GREAT !

You need to admit and accept that you are powerless over alcohol RiverFriend...

Get involved in a program !

...and congrats on your new baby.... I am sure you know that it deserves the BEST you, and so does your wife...

Good luck man !

Welcome Riverfriend! It's great you've decided to make this huge change in your life. Untreated alcoholism progresses over time, and you're preventing yourself from all sorts of damage and drama by stopping now. I wish I'd been that wise.

Congratulations on that lucky little boy! He'll have a sober and loving father that he can count on. You're doing a great thing for your family and yourself.

welcome to SR RiverFriend :)

D

Welcome to SR, RiverFriend, and congratulations on becoming a father!

5:00 p.m. is also my toughest time of the day. I used alcohol to deal with stress that built up during my working hours. Of course, I always found that any relief I found from my after work drinking sessions was all too temporary.

It sounds like you know well the many benefits of sobriety, and that's a good thing. One thing that's helped me deal with the 5:00 urge is to make sure I've got something lined up to do at that time. It sounds like you enjoy working out - - this is what I do at 5:00 a lot of the time. A good hike or walk, or even a trip out to my vegetable garden helps me to take my mind off of drinking.

Best wishes with your recovery. I know that you'll get other ideas from the community here. It's been a great resource for me.

Welcome to the family!:)

Well done, RiverFriend. It sounds to me as though you are ready to exercise the ultimate control over alcohol, and kick its sorry butt to the curb. The first step is to agree that you can never drink again. The second step is, well, there isn't one. One step is plenty.

I wish you the best on your journey, and keep posting!

Welcome!
Do a lot of posting and reading here, that sure helped me. Sounds like you will need to leave at 4:59. I used to be the keeper if my bar at work, and it was open by invitation only at 4:30. What a waste. Those days are gone now thank goodness.
Today is a good day to be sober.

Welcome and congrats :)

Well, I guess that day was not the day for me :/

I ended up drinking again the following two days though nothing yet today so far. I get so frustrated with myself and am really fighting the craving for the past hour ending my work day with a scotch. Ugh, I have been self medicating with alcohol and substances since I was 12 (now 31) and struggling with the balance ever since. I was fortunate enough to have a loving family that supported me while I kicked all of the "hard" stuff some 10 years ago but the alcohol still remains.

Guess I'm not done flirting with the idea that maybe I'm not an alcoholic as Toronto Guy accurately put it. This cycle is so frustrating. When I'm drunk or hungover I think 'I have got to put this to an end...it's not worth it,' but once I'm feeling better, my brain starts saying 'Hey, you might not be an alcoholic, rather a heavy drinker, just like the Blue Book says.' And then it starts all over again. I spent the last 10 years considering myself an alcoholic, stating I'm an alcoholic at meetings during sober times, and am just now struggling to really accept it. Struggling with the first step.

Could it be that perhaps I am a problem/heavy drinker rather than an alcoholic? It seems I can always force myself to stop drinking (white knuckled) when I need to...but I know I would miserably fail the 'drink 2 drinks a day, no more, for 30 days' test. Once I have one, I ALWAYS will have more. Sigh.

I had to get honest with myself and answer this....

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.

pg 44

I lied to myself about that for too many years.....Save yourself some misery if find either of those true.

RiverFriend,

Good morning and congratulations on your new baby! You have the desire to be here and to get yourself straightened out and that's a tremendous step. Good for you and keep at it. You will get there.

I spent a year or two or more struggling with defining my problem. Was I an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker? If I was "just" a heavy drinker, maybe I could learn how to moderate my intake. If I was an alcoholic, then this would mean I was powerless and... I couldn't even complete that sentence in my head because I resisted this idea of being powerless with all my might.

I'm not "cured" and I'm no expert and I'm still at the start of my journey (again). Everyone has to find their own path, but for me, this concept of having to label myself as diseased or helpless is not helpful. You don't have to decide "what" you are to acknowledge that drinking is a problem for you. There are alternate approaches to working on solving this problem. If you haven't checked out the Secular Recovery section of this site, take a read and see what you think. Using the label of "alcoholic" works for some people, for others it doesn't. However you frame it, I hope you keep coming here to post and read and commit and recommit to transforming your life into what you want it to be.