walkingwithgod

I have been lurking for a while and have posted in the past. I am just sick and tired of being me and drinking every day. I have maybe 4 days in the last year that I did not have a least a beer. I drink about 6-12 drinks a day, and just tell myself it will be a few and it never is. I am 34, a father of a toddler and a husband. My biggest issue is that I drink alone after work before my daughter and wife get home. My wife picks up my daughter from the sitter on her way home, so I have 2 hours from 4:30-6:30 alone. I have being alone, and therefore I drink. I am in therapy for anxiety and depression. I just start to think about the past and my regrets and the money wasted on booze and it makes me more depressed. I hate waking up every day hungover and feeling ashamed. I am a normal middle class dad, how did this happen? Sorry to ramble, but I am just lost.

Weasel1966

Walking.... You hit the nail on the head. Your normal. The shame and loneliness that comes from being an alcoholic is universal. I am not sure you see yourself as an alcoholic but labels are just semantics. You are you and you drink more than you want when you don't want.

I hated being me for a long time. Still do. But by remaining abstinent I am starting to see bright spots where there were none.

I have spent many thousands of dollars on drugs and drinking. All with regret. But I think about the thousands more I will spend if I don't change.

Glad you posted. There are so many here willing to stand by you and support you. You can change. It's possible.

Not sure this helps directly but know you are not alone in everything you described.

The how you got here is not important. The how you are gonna move on is.

walkingwithgod

No one knows this about me, but my wife does think I drink a bit much. My friends think I am a normal dad and husband with a good job. Nobody knows my secret about drinking. Everyone thinks that I have it together and I don't. Just so ashamed.

Julynine

WWG

It happened because its progressive. Alcoholism creeps up on you and before you know it your life has become unmanageable. Your body is less able to process the alcohol out of your system, you start to need a larger quantity to get the same effect and depression/anxiety start to increase which leads you to drink more and more. You are in your 30's now, also the period in your life where your responsibilities are increasing significantly. Parenthood, responsible job, husband etc. Difficult enough without the added complication of an alcohol problem!

The only way you can stop the nightmare is to stop drinking. You'll find all the support you need from the fantastic people on this forum who are, in some cases, years into their sobriety.

Finally, don't make the same mistake I made and spend the next 10 years trying to quit, it was living hell. I, like many others on this forum have hundreds of day ones behind us. Your life will be so much better when it doesn't involve alcohol

All the best to you

Julynine

Weasel1966

Shame has never solved a single issue in my life. Be as honest with those around you as you are comfortable with.

When I finally told someone. I was met with support. Even when I thought I would be judged people felt I was stronger by meeting the issues head one and not hiding.

Just a perspective to consider.

And you are a normal dad with a good job. Nothing changes about that.

walkingwithgod

I have this fear that life will not be as fun with out the normal buzz. I know that is crazy, but I think like that.

walkingwithgod

The time that I am alone is so hard to deal with. I need to keep busy to keep my mind of drinking. I want to workout, take better walks with the dog etc, but cannot get it accomplished. I feel like a failure.

Weasel1966

Read many posts here. We all think that. I learned to have a level of excitement when I drank and drugged that when sober seemed flat. That maybe I was more fun and that people around me were.

The truth is not easy to see. Neither was "more" fun. It was an illusion in my head when buzzed.... Drunk.

That not something I can tell you about and have you believe me. No one can. That's something that you will need to learn. Because that specific aspect of change is something we relearn. I mean having sober fun. I have a lot MORE fun now sober but there was that bridge to cross.

Can I suggest that you not focus on fun... But the things needed to make this happen. Your kids... Wife... You.... Fun will happen when your not looking.

Dee74

welcome back walkingwithgod
I think it's a truism...if you want changes you need to make changes.

What do you think you need - more support?
lifestyle changes?

What are you prepared to do? See your Dr, counselling, a recovery programme?

I was scared of change too - my life wasn't very good but it was all I knew.
There's hundreds of people here who've looked at how bad their life really is thanks to drinking, faced that fear of 'what if', and made that leap of faith...

noone would stay in recovery if they thought they lost out on the deal

I hope you'll make the leap too

D

MrsKing

It happens to a lot of us, walkingwithgod, even though we never dreamed we could get ourselves into that situation. You probably know this already, but alcohol makes depression and anxiety very, very much worse. It appears to alleviate the symptoms but it is only short lived, and the next day we're back at square one, or worse. I was a very unhappy, anxious person before I quit drinking 4 months ago, and now I am the happiest I've ever been - depression and fear and guilt and shame are far behind me and I can now live my life the way I want to live it. You can do that (if I can, anyone can - believe me) you just need to be absolutely determined that you can beat it, and do everything in your power to remain sober. Have you considered AA? Or other recovery methods? You're not alone in this, and being at SR will really help... I know that for me it is a lifeline. All the best to you.

walkingwithgod

I have not considered AA, and my anxiety would likely prevent me from going. I am just not even sure who I am anymore, and what I like or want to do with myself. Because, all I do in my spare time is drink.

Jeni26

I have been where you are. It seems impossible to move forward and the more time you spend under that dark cloud, the harder it becomes to step out into the light.
Read how others are achieving it. Read the many success stories. I spent time reading the thread where those who have over a year of sobriety tell their stories. Many of them came from a worse place than I did. They managed it, and I became determined to too.
I am coming up to 11 weeks sober, it isn't easy, but I'm finally getting glimpses of the life I want and deserve to lead.
Stop looking back and wondering how you got here.
Your new life starts today.
Pick a plan and go for it. We are all here to support you. SR is my lifeline.
Wishing you the best of luck x

Weasel1966

Hang in there. It does get better

MrsKing

You don't have to go to AA. I used AVRT - there's a crash course online that you can google. There are no meetings involved and once you learn how to recognise your addictive voice you're away. It was revolutionary for me and I can't begin to explain how things changed once I was told about it.

Of course you don't know who you are. I didn't know who I was either, and all that I did know about myself I disliked... I was embarrassed, ashamed, full of regret and guilt and drinking only exacerbated this, even though I drank to escape all those things. Not knowing who you are is a horrible place to be in and I feel for you... drinking alcohol takes away all sense of self and soul... I know that much from experience... but I also know that being sober can give you all that back, and you can lead the life you want to lead. Stop drinking - that's all you have to do... and you can work on all the things you dislike.

kittycat3

I've been there too, WWG. Other than the brilliant advice here, I'd say to find a way to change the routine. Can you pick up your child instead of your wife for some quality father - daughter time? Or prepare dinner so when they arrive you are ready to eat? Maybe you can alter your work hours so you don't have quite so much time alone.
If you can make a change in the short term changing your routine will be easier.

LoftyIdeals

walkingwithgod...your name says it all. You are in the right place right now. I remember your early posts and am glad you are here now. And, I'm glad you recognize your misery enough to do something about it. You sound very close to where I was a year ago. You have my prayers to just set down the booze today, and continue in your walk in new strength.

2granddaughters

If you get yourself through the door the first time, you will find many folks on the inside who are EXACTLY like you.
You have to go to experience it.

Go to a couple of "OPEN" meetings in your area. You will hear your story told over and over.

All the best.

Bob R

Pondlady

It is difficult to know what will work, unless you try different things. The important thing is to TRY. Read to educate yourself, reach out on SR, talk with God, envision yourself as the father / person you wish to be. Think about what to do today between 4:30 - 6:30 - just don't drink. You can do this

sugarbear1

Alcohol creates more anxiety and depression. Does your therapist know how much you are drinking?

Find a program and work it well. You can stay stopped, too!

Hugs,

walkingwithgod

I can pick up my daughter instead of using the time to drink. I am so lost as to how this progressed from beers on the weekend to almost a 12 pack a day. I regret this so much. I just have no idea how to be happy without being lit up.