serious

many people here can very well relate to your story.
many (including myself) have been there. wondering how did it ever happen to me? how did i get so low? what am i doing with myself and my life?... all the while continuing the cycle of drinking.

you need to break it, you need to give it time. you cannot expect anything different to happen, if you keep doing the same thing. anxiety and depression only get worse while drinking (i know this very well).

feeling scared of stopping is very normal. many people do not stop because of that... until it is too late. like many here you still have a chance.
and this is a good step you took by coming here. now you need to take the next one, decide for yourself that you want to see a positive change. decide to stop.

walkingwithgod

My therapist knows that I drink but only thinks it is a few. I am sure that she knows that I am lying. I was with my parents over the last week on vacation, and noticed that my dad had a beer or 2 and I had 5 or 7. I think that my parents think I have an issue to.

gincognito

I'd talk about it with your therapist more. I'd also man up and go to an AA meeting honestly, especially if you're religious which it sounds like you are. It's OK to be anxious the first time. You don't have to talk or do anything really. It's just anxiety and you can get past it.

ACT10Npack

Do you talk meds for your anxiety and depression? If not then talk to you doctor about it, it should help with your anxiety and depression. Also with those 2 hours that your alone, have you ever thought about giving your money/credit card to your wife so that you can't drink? Just getting out of the cycle of doing the same thing every day should help with not drinking. Good luck!

doggonecarl

No, your addiction thinks this way. I read over your initial post. I saw the words: sick, tired, anxiety and depression, regrets, depressed, hate, hungover, ashamed, and lost.

Where's the fun?

walkingwithgod

I seem to have fun or think I am when I am drinking. But, later I feel terrible. I have thought about leaving my debit/credit cards at home when I go to work, but never do it. So hard not to pull into the package store. I hate all the money I wasted on this crap, makes me sick and even more depressed when I think about it.

lilyrosemary

Hey WWG, your posts sound so desperate. it comes through in your writing. i feel for you because i felt just like that before i quit once and for all. the only thing i can say is there is a much better life for you without alcohol. it IS possible, and i hope and pray you find what works for you. the words that saved me were "you gotta do the work" for me, it was treatment, in patient. damn, but i did not want to go, but i did. the first night there i sobbed uncontrollably for about 3 hours and it came right out of the blue. i am not a crier and hadn't cried since my dad died years before. it was about a year later that i realized it was God breaking me down...so i could be made new. and i am new now. brand new. He took away any thoughts, any desires for alcohol. that, WWG, is a freaking miracle. I wish for you all the very best and i hope you can find what works for you. oh yeah, also, i was told once the only "normal" people we know are people we don't know very well. haha. God bless!! i hope you stay posting, and i will keep you in my prayers.

walkingwithgod

I feel desperate, but have for years. I hate waking up knowing I passed out and hating being hungover everyday. I want a lot of things and to save more for my daughter's college fund and to pay off debt. But, instead I stop at the packie. In a way I wonder if I like having this secret from everyone.

benice

Lots and lots of great advice here. I love your name. It indicates to me that you have the ability to give yourself 100% to God – if you choose to. In my opinion, it’s harder than it sounds, and fortunately He forgives me when I mess up.

Since you are a normal dad, it reasons to think that you should be able to drink like a normal dad. But what defines normal? We, here on SR, are normal when compared to each other. We have to be stronger than the casual social drinker. Once we embrace that knowledge, it becomes our new norm.

My favorite priest went into a hospitalized detox program. That was over 20 years ago. He was my favorite before and has been my favorite since. I say this to illustrate that there is no shame in our condition, but an obligation to conquer it for the sake of our loved ones.

Best wishes WWG. Make a plan. Maybe read the Serenity Prayer. WE CAN DO THIS!

benice

"In a way I wonder if I like having this secret from everyone."
Everyone does not include God. You have no secrets from Him. Just saying...

kittycat3

I second what doggone Carl is saying. It sure doesnt seem like you are happy now. What do you have to lose by giving sobriety a try?

walkingwithgod

I need to try at least today. But, I am already thinking about the drive home, and if I can make it without stopping.

thisisforellie

Maybe find an AA meeting in your area that starts at 4:30 or 5. Just try it out once. That will at least keep you busy for an hour.

Also, I would suggest being openly honest with your wife and family about this. For me, honesty is one of the best tools in sobriety. You will find that when you are honest, instead of finding shame, you will find a well of support and understanding. When I told my family, they were so relieved and proud of me for finally being open. It was my first step -- and now I am almost two years sober! It will be a huge weight off your chest to be honest. It is a step in the right direction. Give it a try.

I did it to be a better mother, and I ended up being a better wife, friend, daughter and person. I realize now that I also did it for me.

SlimSlim

WWG

This post is more than a year old:

What do you want for yourself right now and how do you plan on going about getting it? While people here at SR can support you, you are the one who has to make the decisions and take action.

Reading your threads reminds me of a rudderless ship. It goes around in circles. Your boat needs a new rudder and you at the helm. We'll be your crew as long as you give us some direction.

You might want to look back at your threads here and reflect on what you have or have not done, where you may have grown and use them as the basis to ask new questions and plan for your future...a life without beer as a loving husband and father and someone who has been able to squash the negative emotions associated with trying to hide your drinking.

walkingwithgod

I just want to be happy and be myself, who ever that is. I am sick of feeling like this. I just know no other way to relax or be happy without alcohol. I have tried to cut back and it never happens. I can't stop thinking about after work and what I am going to do.

Anna

I hope that you decide to stop drinking and live a sober life. You can do it.

My suggestion is that you make one change today during the 4:30-6:30 period. Do one thing differently. Take the dog out for a long walk. You will find that changing one thing will have a ripple effect in your life. You will begin to feel better about yourself.

walkingwithgod

I just cannot picture my life without alcohol, and it scares me. How will I survive social situations, how do I tell people. I just am so scared.

artsoul

I was terrified to quit drinking, too. It was the only thing I looked forward to every day. To give that up felt like jumping off a cliff, and of course, the minute I thought about going days or months sober all I wanted was a drink!

All you can do is start off right where you're at - don't worry about trying to figure it all out or about what's going to happen tomorrow or a month from now. The only thing that matters is the next step, what we choose to do now.

It takes a lot of courage to do this, so be patient and understanding with yourself.

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

freshstart57

I see myself almost exactly a year ago in your post, WalkingWithGod. Dad, kids, wife, home, job, and depressed to tears most days with a crippling anxiety that made it hard to leave the house sometimes. Being treated for depression with weekly regular therapist appointments, all the same thing, with maybe a heavier daily alcohol consumption than yours, say 500 - 600 ml of 80 proof vodka a day, every day.

The misery stopped when the alcohol stopped. I decided that whatever this mess was that I was in, I was going to face the music and face it sober. Even if no one had ever kicked the drink before in human history, I was going to do it. Nothing was going to stop me, to keep me from my goal. I chose to stop buying booze, bringing it home, opening the bottle and pouring it down my throat. These are all conscious actions and each one of them needs a conscious decision to do it. I stopped doing them. I stopped drinking that morning.

Carl said it, That was me. The moment I made a vow to never drink again, I felt this incredible relief that I never had to do the things that addicts do. It was in the past now. I was free.

willquit

How about changing your patterns. You are alone from 4:30 to 6:30 try to do something besides going home. I use AVRT. How about the gym? Anything from 4:30 to 6?