Please Help - I Can't Stop, So Scared
 

Greetings to All,

Not sure where to start, so I will try to give you as much pertinent info as possible without going on forever. Thank you in advance for those who take the time to read this and / or reply and sorry if it turns out to be a bit long.

I am a 43 year old woman who has been drinking since the age of 18. Some years were heavier than others – I would say that perhaps during my twenties the drinking bordered on normal (heavy-normal). During my thirties it escalated to where I was on usually between half or full bottle of wine a night, plus weekend binges which could include up to 2 -3 bottles in one day. Always wine, very rarely spirits (a few times a year on holidays, type of thing).

Now, in my early forties, I am really beginning to see how this gets progressive (as if it wasn’t before, right?). I am at the point where, if I drink one bottle of wine, I MUST have at least one or two more glasses. This results in my having a “backup” bottle on hand at all times and it doesn’t take much to guess that the entire second bottle normally ends up dry by the end of the night as well. Weeknights are not quite as bad, as I do have an office job but I have nevertheless been known to binge on a weeknight although I usually “limit” my intake to only one bottle. Sundays are my big drinking day, when I crack open the first bottle before preparing lunch around noon and am usually sitting in front of my computer, listening to sentimental tunes on YouTube and writing nonsense on Facebook by 7pm, well into the second or even third bottle. Naturally, I sleep terribly on Sunday nights and Mondays are a nightmare to face. There is usually a 4am rush to the computer to delete whatever humiliating garbage I had written hours earlier. It’s an awful way to live.

Like so many of you, I am a functioning alcoholic, although perhaps not a high functioning one! I hold down a decent full time job, have several rescue cats who live with me (they are my children!) and manage to pay most of the bills, most of the time. Could I look better? Yes. Could my house be cleaner? Yes. Could I be happier and healthier? Of course. But, maybe my problem is that I have not hit my “bottom”. As I have read the wise words that for many alcoholics, the bottom is their grave, I realize that by the time I hit my bottom it could be all over. I want to save myself, I want to LIVE. Please.

Miraculously, I seem to be in good health, with a sharp appetite, alert mental status, normal energy levels, and reasonable sleep quality. No nausea, vomiting, swelling, jaundice, spider angiomas, etc etc etc. However I have researched enough to know that liver disease is a silent killer and just because I have no obvious symptoms, does not mean my liver is all fine and dandy – how could it possibly be? I do hope, though, that as I am asymptomatic, if I stop drinking NOW, perhaps I can recover physically and escape the terrible fate of liver disease.

I did try AA – and had a terrible first experience. Let me first say that I am in no way disrespecting AA – I know it has saved many lives and is in general a wonderful, loving, amazing organization. Just my own experience makes me think it might not be right for me. I found a sponsor right away – someone who had been in the “program” for years. She turned out to be WAY over the top and very controlling – calling and texting me all hours of the day and night, ordering me to meetings, telling me where we were going and when. I lasted one week and was OUT.

Also – and I would be interested in others’ opinion on this – my sponsor had only been alcoholic for about 6 years and got sober at age 25 – she is now in her fifties… drinking for her is just a distant memory and what’s more, she never came close to me in terms of length of drinking years and volume of intake. I think sponsers and sponsees should have a similar drinking history – or at least not one as disparate at the one I had with my sponsor. How could she possibly understand someone who has been drinking for as long as I have, virtually every day? She has been sober as long as I have been drinking.

Surely there is a better way? I do realize from past attempts at stopping that I will need the support of others in recovery. The most I have been able to go without a drink in 25+ years is ONE WEEK. That’s quite pathetic.

And, actually I hate drinking. Yet at the same time I am madly in love with it. I am sure all other alcoholics reading this will completely understand that statement without requiring further clarification. Somehow, it pulls me in again and again and again.

So, where do I start? I know that eating well and having other enjoyable activities is key – however I have always eaten well and my chief enjoyable activity is reading… I think I need more than that. Unfortunately for the next few years I am trapped living in an area of the country where the weather is not conducive to being outdoors (Florida – and I am a winter person through and through). Also I have almost no disposable income and a handful of friends who have families… so basically I am quite isolated and I spend a lot of time alone in my apartment. I like this – I am quite a solitary person (which I am okay with – it is who I am) and I am also a very homey person, so that is fine. However being home alone all the time without much to do is a recipe for drinking.

I want to wake up in the mornings feeling normal, I want to be able to get out of bed without a struggle. I want to know I am working to keep my body healthy as I get into middle age. Most of all, I want to live a life free of alcohol – I want to be free.

Where to begin?

With respect and kindness,

Claire

Try another meeting, try another sponsor, try to find activities which take you away from drinking. Personally I haven't had great luck with sponsors either but I get a lot out of listening to and connecting with people at meetings.

For me it helps to have some sort of group activity in the morning which I will fool like a tool for blowing off. Exercise or meetings.

Shepherdess, welcome to SR, lots of help here. The 1st thing I did was to make a "commitment" to stop drinking. I go to AA on a regular basis, and hang here on SR as much as possible. I'm 2 years sober now because I "want" to be sober, and believe me when I say, if I can do it anybody can. :egypt:

Wow, that sounds so much like me shepherdess, except for with beer instead of wine...If I do drink wine I can easily drink a whole BIG bottle by myself....the small bottles are just a tease.
I too do the facebook thing....and I feel so stupid the next day looking at all the crap I wrote. What I have noticed though is there are a lot of others on facebook who do the same thing. I swear I think facebook has created a lot of alcoholics, I mean, what's more fun then getting tipsy and "hanging out" with 500 people at once, in the comfort of your own home?

As far as hating drinking but loving it at the same time....THAT IS ME!!!

Welcome to the board!!! Today is day one for me so I don't have a lot of advice like the others will, but please keep coming back here, the folks here are so friendly and encouraging!

Please dont judge AA from that very brief experience. Understand that millions of people have recovered and are happy, sober and free thanks to the program of AA. It does so much more for people than just show them how to stop drinking.

You may have asked the wrong person to be your sponsor, but the length of our drinking and sobriety really does not matter if it is a person who has recovered through working the steps. Having done the steps, they have the answer. They can show you the answer, if you want it. It takes some effort, but the rewards greatly outweigh the effort it takes.

Try some different meetings. Keep an eye out for the women who are laughing and having a good time with their sobriety and life and ask them they have done. If you want what they have, do what they do.

That all being said, there are of course alternatives to AA. I know nothing about them, but other members here can fill you in.

Good luck to ya!

Hi Claire,

Maybe try diff recovery route, AVRT or something,

Try break the mold every evening, don't go by the liquor store,

Maybe join a gym or exercise out doors in your beautiful sunshine.

There no magic pill or magic way out, diff strokes for diff folks, maybe try AA again.
Its tough I know, we all know.

You def don't have to hit rock bottom lose your job, house etc
you just need a strong desire to stop drinking.

I wish you well

take care :-)

welcome to SR. I'm glad you have the desire to stop drinking. Read through the boards, it's not specifically AA oriented. There are many ways to stop and many people here who do not practice AA.

You do want to stop, and you want to start living, how great is that idea???? We have all been there. you may be at your bottom now too...everyone is different.

Google AVRT It works for me where AA didn't. :)

Welcome to SR.

What I would suggest is going to a few different meetings (held at different places and different times) to get a better idea of what fits you.

Also regarding a sponsor, you can take the time to get to know a few people and find someone who has what you want and who you are comfortable with.

I went to meeting for about a month before I was comfortable picking a sponsor and it worked out great because I was able to learn from others who was working a good program, etc.

The sooner you stop drinking and find some good people to help you in AA the better!

Well I could of just put the big qoutes from BBthumper. :)

Sorry that your first expeirance was like that, just remember that was a person. And being one person that comes from the disease that we have , can tend not to have truly worked the program.

Many many other great women out there for you that can become not only your gateway to the steps and living a better life, but lifelong friends. :)

Hope you give it another go. :)

Hi and Welcome,

Many of us here have gotten sober and recovered without using AA. I have used a combination of great books and SR. This place has been a lifeline for me for many years.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I agree that it's possible your bottom may be too late to stop drinking. Who knows? I know how scary it is, and I know that I couldn't imagine how I would get through the days without alcohol. I can tell you for sure that stopping drinking is not the entire solution. I needed to do a lot of work on the issues that had caused me to drink to numb the feelings I was having.

You can do this. :)

I'm only on day 2 Claire so all I can say is keep reading & posting here. Couldn't hurt to try aa again in my opinion. Your post could've been written by me...its my life to a T. Hang in there (hugs)

Welcome Shepherdess,

I know when I decided to quit drinking, I looked into everything and anything to help me achieve my goal. I was on a mission. lol There are lots of programs out there and its up to you to find a fit. I went to meetings, I looked into Smart Recovery, AVRT and read everything I could find. I chose what worked for me.

When you want to be sober more than you want to drink...the madness can stop. I kept waiting for the "sober fairy" to come along. Little did I know, I was that fairy. :)

The support I received at SR was a life saver for me. I hope you stick around and experience the same. It's amazing!


My very best wishes to you!

Welcome. I can relate. the last time I drank (65 day ago) I drank almost 6 bottles of wine on a saturday. I got a call the night before that my dad was in the hospital and nearly died from a 3 week whiskey binge. I knew I had to quit or i'd end up in his shoes. Did I hit bottom? No. I was just like you. I had a wake up call, and maybe this is yours. Trust me. You don't WANT to hit bottom. I'm only 25. If you want to stop, stop. It takes a lot of hard work, but it's a great life being sober. (hugs)

Start with a doctor or ER for detox.

Welcome to SR!

Bottom is wherever you decide to stop digging..

Lots of great advice here Claire - look forward to seeing you around :)
Welcome! :)

D

Welcome to SR Claire :)

I have heard someone say that 'rock bottom' is when you're six feet under. I do think there is a dealbreaker in our relationship with alcohol though. For me it was a combination of bad health, horrendous anxiety, and it was threatening my working life. I managed to let my drinking take away all my self respect but threatening my 'functioning' status was a step too far.

I'm glad you've made the decision to make some changes. I went down the AVRT route myself but I fully intend to throw myself into AA too, provided I can find a sponsor who isn't too controlling ;)

Glad you're here x

high bottoms of the world unite
 

hi, i'm exactly the same type of high-bottom as you. daily bottle of wine..then a few glasses of beer or wine until I basically fall asleep. yes, it didn't even taste good anymore. weekly binges, to sort of forget my life for 24 hrs, didn't have huge consequences besides distancing a lot of people with my neglectful behaviour. It just felt like life was slowly going to continue to get more depressing... I joined aa and life in general feels a lot more positive and I'm not fearful about anything anymore.

I struggle with aa as I don't have the same experiences as most people who have hit rock bottom, but if you have the family history, it is just inevitable that it will progress until we lose our jobs or relationships. If i'm at home alone I'll drink myself to the hospital within a month that is for sure.

We have NO other options, no other place to go. So go to meetings and just talk and have coffees,etc with as many people as possible at aa until you find a few kind people you can share your difficulties with. If you find going to meeting tough for whatever reason see a therapist for support first.

There are many paths to recovery. i hope you find yours. On the fits sponsor thing, bad people are everywhere. I don't buy into the supervisory, mandating, do-as-I-say sponsors.

Suggestions to get to meetings? Well, that's what sponsors do. I can relate to the inability to relate to those with decades of sobriety. I have two, my sponsor 31, and for many people like her, the forget the desperation that brings us into the rooms of AA.

My issues go way beyond just not drinking. Actually, AVRT practices enable me to not drink. But then I am left with the character traits that made me have to drink, so AA addresses them.

If you decide to give AA one more shot, do shop for a sponsor that has what you want, that remembers with clarity the desperation of active alcoholism, and who offers you a helping hand as opposed to a "do as I say" approach. then again, I was so screwed up I needed firm yet gentle suggestions to follow or I wouldn't have made it to the two years of sobriety I have now.