lostmyway

I won't beat around the bush, I've been here before, lots of times. I have had so many sober Day 1 and Day 2's, I can't even count. Something has shifted within me recently and I really want to get sober; I'm no longer just thinking, "Well, I should..." I have come to the point where I realize that I can continue destroying myself, or I can make a change. I am not willing to continue destroying myself. I made it to Day 3 today, but the cravings were absolutely unbearable. I feel as though I could tear my skin off with my fingernails; I've even considered self harm to take my mind off of the horrors it is dealing with. I think I have come up with a plan. I am going to go back to my old doctor to get help with the initial detox. Then I think it would be best to go stay with my mother. It is safe at her house and I will have no temptation to deal with. I figure I could stay with her for about a week. Does this sound like a good way to get on the road to sobriety? Just need some thoughts and input please.

lookingtolive

What have you got to lose? I've often thought about trekking to go hole up with my dad for a week or two because if he knew I had been hitting the bottle so hard and went out to get a drink he'd be very displeased. It's a good way to jump start one week into sobriety!

IndaMiricale

Yes the doctor definetly is the way to go. I would check out some in patient centers to go to. They are truly a safe place to begin.

And the safest things for me were meetings , meetings , and more meetings. I would go to 3 a day to be around sober people, that wouldnt serve booze.

You can be free , but you have to work for it.

Routing for ya.

jakec

Congrats on the 3 days! (= I'm on day 2!

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like that though. I've struggled with self-harm and trust me, it is NOT the solution!! It's only replacing one self-destructive habit for another.

Good luck on getting into detox! Stay strong!

tomsteve

i would highly suggest a visit to the doctor.
]however, i had to take some very hard knocks to get it through my head that wherever i go, there i am. the geographical relocations, going to live with someone else, and even just getting away from everyone, i took myself along and it didnt work. i had to change me my thinkin. i couldnt use my thinkin to do that. my thinkin is what got me to the point of desperation, so it wasnt gonna help fix me.
i went ot AA. i found a fellowship of people that had been where i had been, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and had gotten out from under. i let them teach me how to get change me and my thinkin.
it has been workin real good for me. i no longer have a drinkin problem, but i still have a thinkin problem, but it aint nothing near as what it was and its gettin gooder everyday.

lostmyway

The trouble is, I don't want to admit to my mom how bad it's gotten. She is the only sober person in my family. She has had to deal with so much...my dad is an alcoholic, they are still married, only God knows why. My grandparents are very elderly now and suffering complications of having drank heavily for so long. My brother is an alcoholic and I know she is tormented by that. The thing about me (in addition to being an alcoholic) is that I'm Bipolar Type II with Psychosis (this was my diagnosis before I ever even started drinking.) I just don't know how much I can burden this poor lady with. I don't want to lie to her, but I was hoping to just tell her I needed some time to straighten out some "problems." Would this approach be unfair to her? We are also in a really rural part of Pennsylania, and meetings require at least an hour of travel. I'm willing to do it if it will help, but I'm not sure how I would explain leaving my kids at her house for at least three hours a night. Sorry for the rambling, I'm just confused :/

Dee74

Welcome back

Whether or not you go to your moms you're going to have to start thinking in the longer term I think lostmyway.

What kind of support are you going to have when you go back home - whats around, what's available...how do the kids factor into that?

Staying with your mom for a week will probably be a great respite for you...but it's not really a solution IMO.

D

lostmyway

Dee - Well, I was just thinking to give it a week to get the withdrawals out of my system. When I go home, it's just me, really. My husband works 60-70 hours a week, and certainly won't be able to be there so I can go to meetings. I'm not trying to start a pity party, but I know no one in the area of Pennsylvania where we have ended up living. I'm so sad and lonely most days. I just keep thinking that despite these obstacles, there has to be a way. I have to get sober. I've never wanted it like this before.

tomsteve

saying your mother is sober is telln me she is in recovery?? either way, dont you feel she would be glad for you to see you admitting you have a problem and are going to seek help for it?

if she is in recovery, then she prolly already knows how bad it is.

2granddaughters

I strongly suggest you Google and read AA's "How It Works", especially where it says 'even those with grave emotional and mental disorders do recover if they have the capacity to be honest'.

Get with the AA oldtimers.. surrender.

"I have to get sober. I've never wanted it like this before."
I know that feeling of knowing that time is running out.
I wish you the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

and if you are honest with her and seeking the help, i am sure she would be understanding and willing to watch your kids.

Dee74

Here's some good places to start

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

A lot of the programmes have online options now...some, like Rational Recovery, have no meetings at all.

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach like RR or SMART

and here's some links I dug out once for someone else in PA

Clinics in Pennsylvania | Free Health Clinics in Pennsylvania
Pennsylvania Drug & Alcohol Rehabs (Low Cost)

D

lostmyway

No, my mom is not in recovery. She has never had a drinking problem. I've admitted my problems to her before in the past, only to go back to my old ways, and she enables it, as she does with every one else in her life. I am not criticizing her; this is just the way it is. I feel bad for her, though, she works almost as many hours as my husband does, and I don't want to be selfish in dumping my kids on her. I was raised to believe that you have 'em, you take care of 'em, all the time, and don't rely on anyone else. For some reason, I feel like recovery is a selfish action, as it's taking me away from my kids. I know that doesn't sound right. I have to get my priorities in order.

lostmyway

Thank you, Dee, I am going to start checking out the links now.

Dee74

Actually...if I read anything from parents on here lostmyway it's that *drinking* takes people away from their kids.

Recovery's about giving you back to them....

D

lostmyway

I love my kids more than anything in the whole world. Booze is my habit, my kids are my WORLD. I want more than anything to be 100% present for them.

IndaMiricale

I have not drivin in just over 2 years. I walk everywhere. But I to wanted it, so I would walk up to 15 miles round trip to go to meetings. And after I went to a couple I couldnt believe how many people want to help , by pick me up or driving me home. I still walk to many because its very theraputic for me. But now I have these friends that I could call any time. 24 hrs if I need help. And now I go daily and I am never lonely.

And you better believe it recovery is a selfish thing, it better be the top priortiy every day for it. Because without I would have nothing to offer.

You can do this for YOU and then everyone else can benifit from you selfishness

artsoul

I'm exactly the same way, lostmyway...... I used to think my mother invented guilt, but I've decided that I've perfected the art. I feel guilt ahead of time, lol. I never wanted to let anyone down, so I stressed myself out instead.

I know it takes some planning/logistics if you wanted to do something like inpatient treatment and you may not be at that point, but sometimes things will come to you if you keep an open mind to all the possible options. I had 2 pre-school children at home when I got sober the first time and no family within 700 miles. Treatment seemed impossible, but we managed to find a day care and work it out. I'm not saying that's what you should do, just that it's not selfish if that's what you need. People sometimes get seriously ill and have to spend a month in the hospital. It's just life.

On a more positive note...... congrats on 3 days.... hugs coming your way!

hypochondriac

I don't have kids Lostmyway but this struck a chord with me:

I know I was raised to sort out my own problems and not rely on anyone else. My mother even looks down on my sister because she has been to see therapists in the past. 'She's not like us' she said...yeah, not like the rest of us who have self harmed and drank our way out of our problems!

Along with this over the top self reliance I have a low self esteem that makes me feel like I am not worthy of spending time concentrating on my own problems, that I should just get over it and get on with it. The other side of this was my AV making excuses as to why I couldn't spend time getting better. Plenty of reasons why I couldn't do stuff (go to meetings etc..) but no concentration on the positive things I could do (read some recovery books, go to online meetings).

On the subject of children, I had a very negative view of drinking when I was young purely based on my mothers drinking habits. I think it was Carol who said that 'no child is ever glad that their parent is a drinker'. I would suspect that your kids will prefer you sober

Also, if you have children yourself you are probably perfectly aware that you are not a burden to your mother, no matter what your situation x

I hope you find the help you need Lostmyway. I would start thinking long term plan too though. You are worth spending time and effort on yourself. *Hugs* x

SlimSlim

Not sure if this is off the wall or not.

If it takes you at least an hour's worth of travel to get to a meeting, surely there are others in the same position. Is the group large enough that a second group could be formed closer to you? There might be other people out there in your position who don't go to meetings for the same reason as you.

Depending on the make-up/mentality of the group, the response could range from being well received to being perceived as a threat to break up the group????

Another possibility is to go to a few meetings and try to befriend a couple of people so that you can carpool. For safety reasons, I'd recommend not going with just one person until you feel you truly know and trust them. At least with carpooling, you'd extend your "meeting time" to include some of the time driving.

Joining in with others to seek out medical support through this process.