Why 90 days?
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
aeo, that only led me to drinking more. You are worth staying stopped. No telling what the alcohol will lead to, hun. You'd be searching for your drug of choice, even though you said "no more" of that!
Stay sober, switch up meetings or just get through those steps!
Stay sober, switch up meetings or just get through those steps!
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by aeo1313 
These wishy washy feelings are awful. I hate them.
Acceptance rarely happens overnight. In my experience, it's possible to have acceptance one moment and the next, not so much.
Try to focus on what matters. Try not be reactionary to every emotion you have. That's something I'm getting better at but I have to work on it everyday.
sobriety date 5-2-12
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
Last night I was seriously thinking of drinking. Two years agao that would have meant having a beer at the restraunt where I work after my shift. Last night I wanted a vodka soda in a kid cup during my shift. That's not "social" drinking. Went over to my neighbor's after work who had a bonfire and he offered me a beer but I said no. I didn't want one stupid beer...I wanted a 12 pack sitting next to me. I know in my heart I have passed the "normal" drinking stage but it's so hard to admit this to myself.
Why am I so clear on this sometimes (like right now) and yesterday had myself convinced I could drink again and so what about consequences. Luckily I am not acting on every urge that flies through my brain.
Honestly, what I wanted last night was to escape responsible me and go wild. I wanted to get wasted at my neighbor's, drunk dial people, flirt like crazy with him (yes, I know I'm married), eat junk food, and have a vacation from myself. Those vacations from myself leave me a depressed, suicidal, wreck the next day. In reality I sat outside at the fire and played with the dogs, came in and watched a movie with my husband, and woke up clear headed which was good bc I had to make an emergency run to my husbands work bc his contact tore.
Why am I so clear on this sometimes (like right now) and yesterday had myself convinced I could drink again and so what about consequences. Luckily I am not acting on every urge that flies through my brain.
Honestly, what I wanted last night was to escape responsible me and go wild. I wanted to get wasted at my neighbor's, drunk dial people, flirt like crazy with him (yes, I know I'm married), eat junk food, and have a vacation from myself. Those vacations from myself leave me a depressed, suicidal, wreck the next day. In reality I sat outside at the fire and played with the dogs, came in and watched a movie with my husband, and woke up clear headed which was good bc I had to make an emergency run to my husbands work bc his contact tore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Aeo... if you'd have asked me four months ago if I'd be happy with the way my life is right now, I'd have said "God, no, how terribly boring and mundane" and would have swore I would never end up like that. I seemed to have some personality trait that meant all I wanted to do was rebel... rebel against myself, my husband, my parents, his parents, the whole damn world... I believed that getting blind drunk was who I was and it was my right - I didn't think about the damage it caused to my body, my mind, or the lives of those who love me. All I was thinking about was that right at that very second, I'd had enough of this sh!tty world and I wanted to get out of it. I knew that I'd feel like death the next morning, but right at that very moment I couldn't have cared less... because it was my time to zone out and so I was going to do it. 4 months later and I don't drink, I don't smoke, I take pleasure in doing 'boring' things like housework, walking the dog, every day mundane stuff that all I wanted to do was escape from before. I guess I'm telling you all this because I can see myself in you when you say that you wanted to escape responsible you and just go wild... because I think that is COMPLETELY spot on. I was terrified of responsibility, back then. My drinking was a way of me escaping all of that. Having a vacation from myself was also right up there.
All I can say is that things do change with time, but I do know that the reason why I'm OK with how things are now is that I've accepted it... and (this is not supposed to sound mean at all) I don't think you have. I don't think anything can make someone accept that their future can not include alcohol at all... I think it has to come from within.
Wanting to escape from yourself, or take a vacation as you put it, is a sign of not being happy with how things are in your life (I'm only saying this because that was true for me, forgive me if that's not how it is with you) and taking away alcohol does not fix everything... it makes it easier to fix things, but the problems just seem bigger because we can't hide from them. Drinking won't make any of that better, it just allows us to forget them for a while.
I'm glad you didn't drink last night and I hope things get better really soon.
All I can say is that things do change with time, but I do know that the reason why I'm OK with how things are now is that I've accepted it... and (this is not supposed to sound mean at all) I don't think you have. I don't think anything can make someone accept that their future can not include alcohol at all... I think it has to come from within.
Wanting to escape from yourself, or take a vacation as you put it, is a sign of not being happy with how things are in your life (I'm only saying this because that was true for me, forgive me if that's not how it is with you) and taking away alcohol does not fix everything... it makes it easier to fix things, but the problems just seem bigger because we can't hide from them. Drinking won't make any of that better, it just allows us to forget them for a while.
I'm glad you didn't drink last night and I hope things get better really soon.
sobriety date 5-2-12
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
Originally Posted by MrsKing
Aeo... if you'd have asked me four months ago if I'd be happy with the way my life is right now, I'd have said "God, no, how terribly boring and mundane" and would have swore I would never end up like that. I seemed to have some personality trait that meant all I wanted to do was rebel... rebel against myself, my husband, my parents, his parents, the whole damn world... I believed that getting blind drunk was who I was and it was my right - I didn't think about the damage it caused to my body, my mind, or the lives of those who love me. All I was thinking about was that right at that very second, I'd had enough of this sh!tty world and I wanted to get out of it. I knew that I'd feel like death the next morning, but right at that very moment I couldn't have cared less... because it was my time to zone out and so I was going to do it. 4 months later and I don't drink, I don't smoke, I take pleasure in doing 'boring' things like housework, walking the dog, every day mundane stuff that all I wanted to do was escape from before. I guess I'm telling you all this because I can see myself in you when you say that you wanted to escape responsible you and just go wild... because I think that is COMPLETELY spot on. I was terrified of responsibility, back then. My drinking was a way of me escaping all of that. Having a vacation from myself was also right up there.
All I can say is that things do change with time, but I do know that the reason why I'm OK with how things are now is that I've accepted it... and (this is not supposed to sound mean at all) I don't think you have. I don't think anything can make someone accept that their future can not include alcohol at all... I think it has to come from within.
Wanting to escape from yourself, or take a vacation as you put it, is a sign of not being happy with how things are in your life (I'm only saying this because that was true for me, forgive me if that's not how it is with you) and taking away alcohol does not fix everything... it makes it easier to fix things, but the problems just seem bigger because we can't hide from them. Drinking won't make any of that better, it just allows us to forget them for a while.
I'm glad you didn't drink last night and I hope things get better really soon.
All I can say is that things do change with time, but I do know that the reason why I'm OK with how things are now is that I've accepted it... and (this is not supposed to sound mean at all) I don't think you have. I don't think anything can make someone accept that their future can not include alcohol at all... I think it has to come from within.
Wanting to escape from yourself, or take a vacation as you put it, is a sign of not being happy with how things are in your life (I'm only saying this because that was true for me, forgive me if that's not how it is with you) and taking away alcohol does not fix everything... it makes it easier to fix things, but the problems just seem bigger because we can't hide from them. Drinking won't make any of that better, it just allows us to forget them for a while.
I'm glad you didn't drink last night and I hope things get better really soon.
I'm not thrilled with how my life is right now, but most of it is out of my control. I work two jobs and my husband is waiting tables bc he hasn't been able to find a full time teaching job. I know even that doesn't sound that bad- bc we both are working- it's just not how I expected our lives to be 15 years into our marriage.
I have signed up for a 5k nighttime glow run in two weeks and next month I am doing a 5k mud run...so I am trying to encorporate "exciting" into my sober life.
It just sucks being responsible ALL THE TIME. I'm a 36 yo wife and mom- that's my job though.
Thanks for understanding
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
I think that's the thing... changing what we view as exciting and thrilling... because for so long all of that has been centred around drinking and so we just associate excitement with being drunk and feel like life isn't fun any more if alcohol isn't included in it. I'm not one for exercise (though I do love a bit of badminton!) so running isn't for me... but I'm glad you're doing something that gives you a buzz. I think another thing is that I've accepted that life is OK without that instant buzz... like I don't really need to get all WOOHOO about things any more - I do still find lots of pleasure in things, but I try to remind myself that seeking major highs is not always necessary to be happy... and when I find that I'm starting to feel in need of that crazy excitement I remind myself that being calm beats being crazy any day.
I can understand that working 2 jobs and having your husband not be able to find a job that suits his qualifications could be incredibly frustrating and not be what you had in mind when you imagined your future, but like you say those things are out of your control right now... and all we can ever do is make the most of what we have. There's no harm in wanting more for ourselves and working towards a better life but what really matters is what we have right now (I know this sounds like philosophical rubbish but it works for me when I'm feeling down) and being positive is a sure way of getting what we want in the future... negativity solves or creates nothing but more negativity.
Good luck on the runs!! Hugs.
I can understand that working 2 jobs and having your husband not be able to find a job that suits his qualifications could be incredibly frustrating and not be what you had in mind when you imagined your future, but like you say those things are out of your control right now... and all we can ever do is make the most of what we have. There's no harm in wanting more for ourselves and working towards a better life but what really matters is what we have right now (I know this sounds like philosophical rubbish but it works for me when I'm feeling down) and being positive is a sure way of getting what we want in the future... negativity solves or creates nothing but more negativity.
Good luck on the runs!! Hugs.
sobriety date 5-2-12
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
MrsKing- you have made my day with your words! Btw- I am not a runner...I've never ran more that 2.5 miles at a time! My 5k will consist of me walk/jogging and gossiping with my friend whose doing it with me! I just wanted to do it bc there is a DJ along the route with great music and we get to dress ourselves up in the glow in the dark stuff! There is a huge beer garden at the end, but I will leave that to my friend!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Luckily I am not acting on every urge that flies through my brain.
I think it's worth mentioning that it is okay to not feel okay. To not feel secure in our sobriety or happy in our life. I have doubts about not drinking sometimes. I'm pretty sure that will always come and go. And the stuff I'm not happy about I have the option of working on now, rather than just drinking to ignore them. I don't think anything magical is going to happen at any point in recovery. Maybe it's just a constant work in progress x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Originally Posted by aeo1313
MrsKing- you have made my day with your words! Btw- I am not a runner...I've never ran more that 2.5 miles at a time! My 5k will consist of me walk/jogging and gossiping with my friend whose doing it with me! I just wanted to do it bc there is a DJ along the route with great music and we get to dress ourselves up in the glow in the dark stuff!
sounds REALLY fun, in fact!
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