iaguy

I think it will help me if I just write.

I have always seen alcoholics as losers, poor people living in trailers with no ambition. Just basically failures in life. I never imagined I could become a drunk...

I have always been quite large, but about 5 years ago I topped out at near 400 pounds. I had gastric bypass and a week later after the haze from surgery etc wore off my best friend, my father died. I was hit hard with depression, I have suffered my entire life but no without the ability to eat or talk to my father I was devastated. Roughly a year later I was down to 205 pounds and doing good.

My wife told me she wanted a divorce, said she never loved me, my son and me moved back in with my mother. Shortly after I met a woman who was great to my son and to me. I started to buy beer after work and would drink about 4 beers and get pretty drunk. It was a descent substitute for food and I love the way it made me feel. We ended up fighting over my drinking and we agreed on only one time a week etc.

Well fast forward to this year. With my job I work from home but travel around fixing things and come home at night. Some days there is no work to do. After my wife leaves I will run out and buy a six pack of tall boys and hammer them down and be completely wasted by 8:30AM, eat junk food and pass out till around 1PM. Maybe due some work and no one is the wiser. I am almost back to 300 pounds, physically and mentally wrecked. I do this 3-5 times a week, as work allows. I would due it everyday if I could.

I went to see my Doctor and asked for a prescription for Campral. I took my first pill this morning and I believe it worked but out of habit a few hours after I took it I went and bought beer, got drunk and feel like a failure.

I so want to quite drinking, I am tired of telling myself I will quite tomorrow, just one more day. I am to scared to go to AA, I know they are there to help but I feel I will see people I will know, and they will talk about me. I know it is stupid. I guess I am just wanting to put this down so I can see it. I just do not understand how my life turned this way.

Dee74

Hi iaguy

Try to not get discouraged - a lot of us faltered a time or two - it's really hard to change our lives...but you will

I've never taken Campral either but I don't believe any drug is a cure for us....some medications can help, I have no doubt...but no cure.

I'm not sure from your post what your reservations are with AA...but there's a lot of other approaches around too

Here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

I'm not an AAer myself, but I found a lot of support here. I know you will too

Welcome aboard

DisplacedGRITS

i'm on Campral and have found it to be of great help but it wasn't a magic bullet. i drank on Campral when i first started taking it. no problem. it took me breaking my habits for me to really quit drinking. for me, that involved getting up and going to an AA meeting every day at 10 AM when i would normally have been awake and drinking myself into oblivion. mediation can help but you need to do the foot work. there is no pill that can cure alcoholism. sobriety is simple but not easy.

go to an AA meeting. if you see someone you know, it's not as big a deal as you think. it's Alcoholic Anonymous, not just Alcoholics. you may have to go to a few meetings until you find a group you're comfortable with but the key is getting out of your comfort zone. your comfort zone is alcohol and getting drunk. anything involving sobriety is going to be uncomfortable at first. it's just something we all had to do in the beginning. there is no easy way.

IndaMiricale

Welcome aboard

So many people fear that exact thing of seeing or being seen at AA. Until they go and realize, oh man I am here just like they are , for the same reason. TO LIVE A HAPPY SOBER LIFE.

And I know I didnt tell any grade school teachers that I wanted to be a homeless drunk and drug addict when I grow up. But thats what I did, I didnt understand it either, till I accepted I was a alcoholic and sought help to find that peace.

Routing for you, you can be free.

DisplacedGRITS

sorry if my initial post came off harsh. it's not easy but it does get better fast. it takes a lot of courage to take those first steps but after you take them you'll find the path becomes clearer and you'll be amazed that it took you so long to get on it. take the leap. you'll be amazed at how quickly your life will begin to change.

jennikate

Hi iaguy,

I know where you are coming from. I had a gastric bypass five years ago and believe it was a big factor in my becoming an alcoholic. Recent studies show that people who have had gb are much more likely to become alcoholics. I'll send you the links if you're interested. I'm not sure it's that important, however, as you still have to deal with the issue like anyone else.
It sounds like you are going down a similiar path to mine. Mine progressed furthur before I was able to stop. 69 days today! I do go to AA. At first I was reluctant but my husband insisted. It has been a long battle since then (involving hospitalization, detox, car accidents, and rehab). Now I've really embraced the program.
I'm also on Campral and believe it does work. When I say that I don't mean that it's doing all the work. But it does cut the cravings (as of now I have none). I'm not sure it would be that helpful in isolation but along with the other things I'm doing, I think it's a helpful tool.
I pray that you can get a handle on this before you get to the point that I did. No one deserves to go through that much pain and suffering. I mean both the pain of being an alcoholic and the pain that makes people like us turn to this ***t.

iaguy

Thank you all for the kind words. Seeing what I have written after a good nights sleep is a good kick in the pants.

So far so good today. I have a full work day that is almost over and I have taken 2/3 of my Campral and drinking lots of water, eating good food.

I have always heard one day at a time. Always thought it was BS, still do kind of but I am trying to believe it as much as I can. I was scared for this coming Sunday but I be with family all day now so that is a relief.

Thank you all for the kind words, I probably would enjoy AA and get something out of it. But bringing myself to face other people, to let others know what I have become still scares me.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Iaguy

I was scared of AA too. So I started of my recovery with AVRT. There is a book called Rational Recovery: the new cure for substance addiction, or you could look online for the crash course. That really helped me. It doesn't work on the One Day at a Time principle either, which worked better for me.

Did your doctor not offer you any other support? Like refer you to an addiction counsellor too?

Anna

I'm glad you're feeling better today.

Whatever program you follow, stopping drinking is always very scary. But, we are here to offer support.